spEak You’re bRanes

There is no doubt that less tailored styles and softer colours make the wearer ‘less authoritative’, but it also makes them look sloppy and inefficient. I am not impressed with what the staff of London Underground and the Post Office are wearing. In fact, when our ‘postie’ cycles up he would not look out of place cycling idly along a country road as if on holiday. Call me old fashioned, but a smart uniform requires good personal appearance and thus self discipline. London Underground staff with masses of hair sticking out at all angles from their caps make them look scruffy and unreliable - not the image an efficient transport system wishes to convey. The same goes for the scouts - gone are the days of ’spit and polish’ and the pride when inspected on parade. The scouts today wear a bit of this and a bit of that, the result being a group of children that look more like refugees than an organised scout group. We go on about the chaos in society today and demand law and order. It is not the building of more prisons that will resolve this, but a return to the basics of self respect - and we could start with smartening ourselves up a bit!
Noddy, Soton

Wise words Noddy. Did Elgar compose “Nimrod” whilst wearing shit-streaked pants and a dressing gown with egg on it?? Did he bollocks. He was wearing epaulettes and a pair of proper shiny shoes.

Thanks again to Hektor for this one.

Let’s use housing as an example. It’s a situation of supply and demand. Three things affect demand for accomodation. Birth rate, Death rate and immigration in AND out of a country. If demand outstrips supply (as is the case now), prices rise. If it’s vice versa, they fall. To remedy it I suggest we do curb immigration for a while, as that’s more managble than getting people to die sooner (death rate), or stopping people having kids (birth date) at the other end of the scale.

Richard Stone, Dudley/Portsmouth, United Kingdom

Balls. What’s so unmanageable about the death rate? Just start shooting people randomly in the street and your problem’s solved. Death rate goes up and, because we’ll inevitably kill a few potential mothers, the birthrate goes down. As if that wasn’t good enough, it’ll make those damned immigrants think twice about coming over here once they hear about the indiscriminate cull. The more I think about it, the better it gets. THIS PLAN HAS NO DOWNSIDE.

Thanks to Paul Sharville for finding this one.

If only people who can speak English were allowed to live here then we would not have this problem

David Holland, London, United Kingdom

This comment is apparently about recycling but the topic is unimportant. These people would find a way to crowbar their racism into a discussion about different kinds of fire extinguisher. “Britain really went downhill after all those black CO₂ extinguishers appeared.”

Thanks to Céline for this one.

100% with them on this.
Morally, I think that couples should get married.
Whatever people say, its still not nice to be a child with unmarried parents, and like all similar propositions, this couls become a slippery slope.
Its still seen as ‘low’ to be living with someone long-term and I think that as a CONSERVATIVE party, it’s about time we heard some CONSERVATIVE veiws.

**Michael Taylor**, Leeds

Well Michael, it’s all very well preaching from your high-horse but what about offering some practical help or advice? Do you think I want to be living (long-term) with the woman I love??? Perhaps we should seek out this “CONSERVATIVE party” of which you speak and see if they can help us turn our lives around. Incidentally, my girlfriend has a fantastic arse and sometimes we forget to say grace before having sex WITH THE LIGHTS ON. HELP US.

It took only two hours and twenty minutes for someone to mention the SAS…

Musharraf is acting sensibly - shame the kidnappers are not sensible people.
Eventually they will run out of patience and commit atrocities.
Better to send in the SAS now.

John Atom, Brimington on Sea, United Kingdom

You know what it’s like… You’re should have a quiet night in… but all your friends are out committing atrocities. Eventually you’re going to run out of patience. You’re only human, after all.

From James.

To be honest it doesn’t really matter as the world as we know it will end in Dec 2012 when the Earths polarity is reversed due to the huge predicted solar flare we are over due.
[masterEloso]

Good good.

I would like to live in Gaza city, so that I can see where the EU is spending millions of pounds of UK tax money.

Unfortunately I can’t live there as they would kill me for being a “Westerner” (*see “White/ European” or “Christian”).

potato lord, cardiff

Perhaps if you wear a load of fake tan and carry a copy of the Qu’ran you’ll be ok. Make sure you don’t open your mouth though… I’ve heard they kill pig-ignorant dickheads as well.

If you’ve sent me submissions and they never made it here then it’s either because I didn’t want to put it here or, more likely, because I forgot or lost it. This is immensely slack of me, as I specifically ask people to send me submissions. Sorry. I disgust me.

I just found this lot lurking in a forgotten corner of my computer. Thanks Jimlad.

More men and women in the job and better pay and conditions are what’s needed. How about taking all the riff-raff who prefer crime to work, and forcing them to do a stint on the frontline? Three years of hard training should prepare them for it, so if we started now….

Marie Scott, Nottingham

The sooner we get these criminals super-fit and trained with firearms the better.

Perhaps giving control of the armed forces back to the Queen might help.

They are officially her troops, but somehow the government took them over.

atomjohn Lee, Derby, United Kingdom

Jimlad says he’s “pretty sure an 80-year old woman is what the army needs right now”. I couldn’t agree more. We need her steely military mind.

Standard Labour policy. Can’t destroy a country in ten years if it has a strong millitary so you run it down. Then, send whats left to fight a war illequiped and under recourced. Next put in place laws which make it easy for groups to attack the country from within. Objective achieved.

john, France

Curse these revolutionary lefties and their ringleader, Tony Blair. He might seem like our kind of man on the surface but I bet he’d have abolished tuition fees if he’d been given half a chance. Commie.

Hi Alan,

G A P - God Answers Prayer! And He certainly did in your case. I am so happy that you are returned safely to your family and look forward to seeing you back at work soon, doing a job you obviously love. Will leave the location up to you…………

Janlyn Skeete, St. Lucy, Barbados

The winner of this week’s “Piss Poor Acronym Competition For Dullards” is Janlyn from Barbados. Well done Janlyn! There’s a Sacred-Heart-Bendy-Jesus toy on it’s way to you now.

Tony Blair’s appointment as the Middle East Envoy would fail like John Bolton’s appointment to the UN and Paul Wolfowitz’s appointment to the World Bank. Blair is perceived as being part of the Bush admin.
Russia will never allow it and the vast majority of Middle Eastenders will never accept it.
Maybe now he can become an envoy of the vatican.
Farhad Navkhoda, Preston, Lancashire, England

Stuck in the middle of an endless and depressing Christmas Special.