spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Chris.

This is dangerous ground!

Yeast used in baking creates alcohol.

If you eat a couple of bread rolls and then drive, there will be enough alcohol in your system to get you banned from driving!

Anyone who drives over the limit should be charged with attempted manslaughter.

Atom John, Derby, United Kingdom

Our streets won’t be safe until something is done about the menace of bun-scoffers. I hope your plan works.

Thanks to Jo for this one.

this ruling shows how unjust and medieval islam is.islam IS the main problem in the world right now.even moderates of the religion seem archaic in their attitudes,but then, it is a backward religion anyway.the UK, has been tolerant of islam and it’s followers for a long time but this should end.if they don’t like our culture,christian heritage,way of life,then go live in a country where a woman can get 200 lashes, for being in car with a non male relative and getting gang raped by 7 men.
richard lee, london

What do we want? Less backward religion. When do we want it? Pretty soon because Jesus is coming back in 2008. He’s going to carry us up to heaven on His bicycle and when we get there everything will be fine and we will be happy and there will be rivers of honey and home perms will be just as good as the ones you get at the hairdresser.

On the teacher being charged with something ludicrous in Sudan.

If this country (and religion) insists on being stuck hundreds of years in the past then Britain should take a ‘colonial’ stance on this if they harm one hair on her head – I hope I don’t have to draw a picture!
[andrew_dorking]

Here you go. I found a handy diagram just in case we need to adopt a “colonial stance”.

Look. I drew you with your hammer as well.

Mel found ReallyWorried.com. It’s a site where people can share their worries. Seems to consist of people asking for and receiving advice about things like health and money. In a stroke of lunatic genius, however, they’ve added a “Current Affairs” section. I think we know what comes next.

Really Worried about Ulrika Jonsson
She is pregnant (once again) with her fourth child. Her other three children are from three different fathers.
karlo – written 29 days ago

Really Worried about Amy Winehouse
She is always in the papers for drink, drugs and self harming. Her husband is currently remanded in custody.
jan59 – written 6 days ago

I’ve been worrying about Frodo Baggins in that scene from that film where Frodo Baggins gets into danger. You know the bit where he’s on the horse with that bloke from Aerosmith’s daughter and she’s riding along and Frodo is all blue and flopping about and you’re clutching the sofa and screaming “OI ARWEN! YOUR HOBBIT’S GONE WABBY!” and you worry that he might die? Damn. I barely slept a wink last night.

Entertainingly, it appears that the chap who runs the site showed up commenting on the “About” page. He says “I don’t get what you are saying about the site. Please explain”. Can it possibly be that he doesn’t find some of the worries hilariously, arse-bendingly daft? Either that, or he’s just trying to generate a bit more traffic. Here you go chap.

Also, he’s the absolute spit of Harry Hill. Gaze upon the face of Richard Rubin. Quality.

Freedom of speech or provocation?

Free speech, human rights, health and safety. They are all as bad as each other.

Regardless of what the majority want no one will listen and the people with power will push their own aganda rather than the majorities
Jon Derbyshire, Coventry, United Kingdom

Fuck yeah! Down with free speech! Down with human rights! Down with health! Down with safety! What do the majority want? CENSORSHIP! And what else do they want? A REPRESSIVE DICTATORSHIP, CURFEWS, POLITICAL PRISONERS AND SUMMARY EXECUTION! Anything else? YES! DISEASE AND DANGER!

Somebody should stick a fuck-off cactus up this halfwit’s arse and then waggle it around a bit.

I went to A&E a couple of weeks ago as a split contact lense had become lodged somewhere (I could feel it). After examination was told there was nothing there. 5 days later, after using my contacts when I went cycling, I could still feel something.

That night I removed my lense and along with that – the half a lens that was apparently not there! The whole point of going was they had the specialist equipment – I can’t see into my own eyes easily. It could have been a more serious injury…

Cynical Old Git, Worcester, United Kingdom

I think I can help:

Thanks to Jemma for this submission from the page about vaccinating against cervical cancer.

Why are only girls being vaccinated? Is there any health reason why this should not be delivered to all boys of the same age group as well? It might teach them something about responsible attitudes to sex.
Mary Roulston, Belfast

This is going to be a little shocking for you Mary. Boys don’t have a cervix and so they have to store their cancers elsewhere. Don’t worry about the complicated medical stuff for now, I’ve drawn you a diagram that should explain everything.

Thanks to Lynn for sending me this post. It’s probably not important what “L Evans” was trying to comment on.

The number of middle Englanders is on the decline; more career minded women leaving it late to have families and struggling to conceive, no more big families (except benefits scroungers)

Less people means less workers; The government is ALLOWING immigrants to come here to plug the gap, in their minds to avoid an employment crisis.

British people made Britain Great; this deluge will lead to mediocrity and decline, and ultimately slippage down the global rich list; then where..?
L Evans, Birmingham, United Kingdom

Um… Laserquest?

Another one from snoman.

Every failure gets the maximum publilcity and perhaps rightly so but what about the successes? Taxing your vehicle can be done on a governmaent website and is fantastic. my disc new was recieved on third day from using the very simple procedure and I was delighted not to spend time queueing. Where are the plaudits for this and all the other advances we enjoy? The person who made this mistake with the missing data should be sacked but to blame the government is ridiculous.
Gren Gaskell, Malvern

snoman adds:
I’m with you Gren – for instance, we’re all too eager to moan about the senseless slaughter in Iraq, but fail to thank Gordo & Darling for the fact that we can now work out our taxes ourselves and pay them online.

when I was young I met someone who did a year for stealing a car ( 1980 ). He really didn’t want to go back inside because Prison is a frightening place.
Much later I bought some Vivitar SLR lenses off a Prison guard who wanted to upgrade to video. He’d been a marine and he was the toughest guy I’ve met.
Why do criminals keep on being sent back? I don’t know.
There is a lot of waste in our society. We should rehabilitate them and give them jobs as gardeners.
A Pettman, Cambs

It must have taken a great deal of courage for you to speak out on these important issues but please don’t leave the story half-finished! I’m sure I speak for all HYS readers when I say that we want to know more about this very tough marine.

Update: I wish I’d thought of this response (from Steve) “Lenses? Paedo.”