spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to Tom for this work of demented genius (from a Metro comment page).

hi gerry and kate madeleine will be back with you both on new year’s eve.your detective is doing a very good job, finding madeleine. she loves you both very much indeed . my name is debbie carroll . madeleine is a lovely little girl.who would want to harm her . i was watching a programme last night and this morning about maddy’s dissapearance. martin brunt was doing it on sky news.she will be home ok.has the song goes, oh thinging about the days when you were here with me.
debbie carroll, ireland co louth

Tom adds:
I can only assume Debbie is under medical instruction to carefully write down any thought-like impulses she might have, as they caper merrily through her brain like fleeting ghosts.

I’m imagining them as psychedaelic elephant-shaped balloons wearing sinister grins, slowly bouncing off each other in an aircraft hanger made of Maddie’s dreams.

The grief athletes begin to flex their anguish-muscles.

Ms Bhutto will now forever be symbolic of bravery, particularly among women in this region where they get little respect. Oh hateful, cowardly, close minded people. Those craving peace and democracy, be strong and brave as Ms Bhutto but fight. You can’t talk or reason with brainwashed, idiotic extremists.
Chris

Oh poor distressed creature! Come to my arms my dear boy. Weep no more. Daddy’s here.

Benazir Bhutto was a shining light for female emancipation in the Islamic world…..and I say that as a man. A proud woman who was respectful of her faith and yet secular too in her outlook, a great leader and a great loss to liberalism and humanity.
Matt, London

I am also a man but my opinion subtly differs from yours. How should we proceed? Please advise.

I am so sorry, I predicted this in advance but never expected it to happen so quickly. [...]
B Lockwood F.A.C.T., Norwich Norfolk

You should have notified the authorities as soon as you began to suspect the assassination attempts were intended to kill her.

Democracy doesn’t seem to work in Islamic countries - they choke on the sweet air of freedom.
Andrew Johnston, Leeds, United Kingdom

I put this one in to remind us that, whilst this sort of event causes some to “exhaust the pomp of woe”, Andrew Johnston from Leeds is just a total penis.

I know of a house near my Mother’s that is full of eastern european agricultural workers. Often there are 12 living there in a 3 bed: terraced.

They only pay the same council tax as my mother and brother that occupy an identical house.

So, 12 pay the same to the council as 2 and my mother is an 80 year old pensioner.

Now, if we had the Poll Tax, which meant all individuals paid, the 12 would be paying 6 x as much and consequently would be contributing more to local services. Job done!
Britain’s Ruined, Reading

Less whining, more action. Invite a dozen desperately skint labourers to bunk up with your mum and she can start saving money today!

Sorry for the mostly lack of updates. I’ve been doing the whole Christmas thing (drinking). Well, to be honest, I’ve been boozing in bed with a laptop, a shitload of cream crackers and a delicatessen-worth of interesting cheeses. It’s getting pretty crumby in here so I expect I’ll be getting up and rinsing myself off any day now. The missus is threatening to buy a couple of litres of that stuff they use in sheep dips.

There have been many good submissions over the past week or so and I have peered at them with one horrifed and bloodshot eye. I shall begin slowly posting them. Expect a steady trickle of wank.

Should soup kitchens be banned? Ceri Bethany squawks her tiny woollen brain.

are they going to stop immagrants coming into our country next?? NO don’t think so.. so why stop something thats helping our own!!!!
ceri bethany

Come on Ceri. It’s only a short step from “I’m alright, fuck all foreigners and brown people” to “I’m alright, fuck all homeless and hungry people even if they’re white and British”. Just a little more effort and you’re there.

Thanks to Larry for this one.

British people are puritanical and are fond of finding something like a substance that they can ban and blame instead of accepting natural human error. It is not a question of morals, as your report suggests, but individual judgement; you can have a dangerous sober driver and a safer and careful one who has drunk a little. Many Kenyans can drink up to 10 beers and still drive home safely. But then in the UK the government behaves like a mother.
Njuguna, Nairobi Kenya

Exactly. It’s fine as long as you steer clear of stuff like Stella or gin. Stick to the “Driving Lager” and you’ll be able to drive home after 10 pints, no problem.

My 77-year-old neighbour recently asked me to lend him £339 in order to pay his 29-year-old girlfriend’s phone bill! He didn’t seem to understand that £339 was rather a lot for just two months of calls.
James, Bath

Sounds like a fucking bargain to me.

“Torture is NEVER justified…………..

Michelle, Greenport, NY ”

Michelle, you are in a room with Osama Bin Laden, you know 100% it’s him, the real deal. He knows the whereabouts of your family and has organised their death.

What cha gonna do?

View Pointer

Poke him with a stick?

Thanks to Tom for this bizarre collection. I’m a bit worried about Tom. He must have spent quite a while browsing HYS to collect all these. He’s probably living in someone’s shed by now, muttering about weasels.

Why should the use of the name Mohammed be consider an insult to God. It was only the name of a prophet. My name is Edward ie. Teddy and I don’t object to children’s bears being called ofter me !
Edward Dowty, Kings Lynn, United Kingdom

The Edwardists are a uniquely tolerant bunch though. Remember that the Islams chop off your wives’ heads every day.

As many of us have witnessed the Sudanese religion is mixed in with their government which shows us, like a blinding light, it doesn’t work and is so highly dangerous to their and the general public.

Gillian should have studied the Sudan law and culture BUT to be treated like filth for such childish like issue then something had to be done. Our law has progressed so much that death can only be caused
illegally or through suicide or even death wishing.
[eyquem]

Biscuit? Want biscuit? Biscuit? Look! Biscuit! Roll over! Roll over!

think should be stopped abuse the UK citizans by muslims relegion fanatics abroad and in the UK.
Alex Durbin, London

GOOD BOY! Jump up! Jump up! Biscuit! GOOD BOY.

Thank God for the secular society we live in - lets keep it that way!
Lorraine, Bristol

Thanks God!

Thanks to Matthew.

What can we really expect when many of these Youngsters were raised in a Society that actually PRESCRIBES Drugs - as a Treatment ?

I do, however, understand the Stresses that Troops are under - but Drugs on a Battlefield will only cause problems for their own Men and can lead to innapropriate behaviour - this was seen in the Vietnam War - Arocities!

Tez Anderson, Derby, United Kingdom

This is much funnier if you imagine that last word in the style of Tommy Cooper.