spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to Martin for this one from www.petrolprices.com.

Two points.

1 Does anybody really expect the Government to say “We are wrong. There is too much tax on petrol. We are going to reduce it” ? If so, wake up !!

2 What if your car ran on tea ! A cup of tea in a cafe costs approx 50p. That is for about one-third of a pint. So for a pint of tea it would cost £1.50. 8 pints = 1 gallon = £12. Aren’t you glad your car doesn’t run on tea!!

BTW I do wish the price would come down, but I have serious doubts that it will unless the price of oil drops considerably (then the Government would add more taxes !).
Posted by Martin Rosen, 14th December 2007 6:34pm

What would it cost me to get from Stoke to Bracknell if my car ran on Ann Widdecombe’s piss? What about if I had it converted to run on Jeremy Clarkson’s salty tears?

Apparently, Radio 1 have edited the word “faggot” out of “Fairytale of New York”. This seems to have caused a massive stir which proves that either:
1) Some people actually DO listen to that hysterical twittering pre-teen shitcast
or
2) Everyone commenting on it is just bored/stupid/angry.

I shall be having pork ‘fagg*ts’ in gravy for my tea tonight, before washing my dishes in ‘fairy’ liquid. Then I shall relax in my reclining chair with my feet up on a leather ‘pouf’ whilst admiring my vase of ‘tulips’. I shall have a ‘gay’ old time with ‘nancy’ unless I come over all ‘queer’.

Seriously though, it’s rubbish. I have a mate who is a Para and is homosexual. You can call him p**fter, nancy, queer and he couldn’t care less. Call him gay and you will need a good dentist.
andy williams, Holyhead

He’s not gay alright? He’s a poofter with a parachute.

Censorship or no censorship, who cares? I just find the christmas songs on Radio 1 a nice refreshing break from the chart rubbish they play over and over again everyday, I’m sure there is about 20 songs that are played all day. Radio 1 is poor, i listen to Chris Moyles in the morning as i find him and his team funny, but the music is truely awful. Moyles actually seems to have good taste in music but unfortunately is forced by his bosses to play rubbish all morning. Shame.
Andy, Northampton

Who’d have thought that “The cunt who likes to hear christmas songs all fucking day” and “The cunt who likes Chris fucking Moyles” would actually turn out to be the same cunt?

In the Dambusters there’s a black dog with a name so offensive I can’t get this website to accept it. It spoils the film for me, but I don’t know what to do about it, I really don’t. If this website won’t tolerate the word, correctly in my view, why should the film? The use of the word in any context is encouragement or incitement.
Diane, Sutton

I too live in fear of ever hearing the word “nigger” in case it triggers a load of slavery. It’s almost completely spoiled my enjoyment of hip-hop due to the frequent occurrence of the word “nigger”. I’ve had to avoid all half-decent music and listen to that lame-ass “gangsta” shit they drop on the radio because at least they censor out the word “nigger”. Niggers oughta realize.

Let’s see according to this report if correct the Iranians gave up their Nuclear program in 2003.
Who was President of the US in 2003?
Why that would be George W Bush.
What was George Bush and America doing in 2003?
Why we were removing the International trouble maker and Dictator Saddaem Hussein and his thugs from power in Iraq.
So now the Iranians no longer needed Nuclear Weapons to protect themselves from Iraq.
Another Victory for George Bush and America making the world safer for all.
Ronald Dubbs, Florida, United States

Can you imagine trying to explain ANYTHING to Ronald Dubbs? You’d have to start every sentence by hitting him in the face with a spade.

From some debate.

[...] Ever since the 1950s when I was born [...]
Arthur Smedley, Carshalton Beeches,Surrey, United Kingdom

From the debate on social networking sites.

I am an adult and use social networking sites…adult ones ! Oo-er Matron !

So far , I have met 3 men pretending to be teen girls from Lithuania and a 74 yr old lady from Plymouth who sent me a photo of herself taken when she was 25. The German bomber in the distance gave the game away though.

My advice is talk to people you can see !
Arthur Smedley, Carshalton Beeches,Surrey, United Kingdom

My advice is “turn off the computer and stop wanking”.

Now that we are withdrawing out troops out of Iraq, are the Iraqies here in Britain returning back to Iraq. There are more of them here than troops in Iraq. Perhaps they can do better than the soldier.
Mary Villers, Stoke on Trent

Perhaps you should let your local Iraqis know that we’ve finished redecorating their country and they can now go home. By the way, I hope you don’t catch your fanny on some rusty railings and rip part of it off.

Before my mother passed away I decided to go in a lunchtime and evening meal time to ensure she ate some food as she was not eating.
While there the first evening an arrogent nurse came up to me and demanded I leave as it was not visiting time.

I then asked her if she was going to sit and help my mother eat her food to which she replied “NO”.
I politely told her where to go and if she wanted to make an issue of it to bring the hospital manager to me.

This stupid nurse quietly walked off.

Mark, Hednesford

YOU WON THE NURSES.

Thanks to Tom for this one from “Is there a problem with drug use in the armed forces?”

This is hardly news.

Drugs and other intoxicants have been used by the armed forces of many countries for many years…whether that be a rum ration, ciggies or amphetamines…it’s NOT new!

Go watch Platoon if you don’t believe me.
Ben Cook, Horley, United Kingdom

I’ve seen that very same footage! This whole thing is a diversionary tactic by the evil BBC crypto-commie death eaters. Every moment we waste discussing drugs, Lord Voldemort grows stronger and the evil Decepticons are regrouping in preparation for their next attack on Earth.

Thanks to Chris Applegate for this one from the Evening Standard. It’s about a damaged tube train being repaired.

Metal has memory and as such “like will attract like” the energies of the bomb and the event that caused the damage will remain in the train - as such I do pray that the same energy will not attract another bomber. The very least that Bombardier should do is allow the train carriages to be blessed so that they are put back into service with a positive note and remove the negative energies of the past event.
- T Beckham, Kent

Don’t you know ANYTHING about physics?? Opposites attract. The negative energies of the bomb will attract positive things that DON’T explode. You dangerously ignorant fuck.

Thanks to Nick for this (most recommended) post from “Should police get better pay rise?”

Once again it’s everyone else in the UK apart from the Scots who are getting a raw deal from this government

The Scottish mafia that are in charge of the government ensure that their own are looked after, the rest can go whistle

They already get £1,500 per head more spent on things such a free prescriptions,free university etc

Now a betrayal of a promise and a supposed pay ‘increase’ which is well below the governments rate of inflation

Except those that are Scottish of course.
The Guv’nor, Wirral

Fuck it, let’s invade.

I suspect there’s plenty more joy to be had in that thread. I found the next one a few posts down.

All these people moaning about how you never see police on the streets.

Don’t blame the brave police men and women, blame the government who think it is more important ofr them to complete statistical monitoring forms than actually be out on the streets dealing with crime!

You’ve been robbed, and you’re a one eyed, afro carribean lesbian with learning difficulties??

Well there’s another 4 monitoring forms for them to fill in to start with!!
Alan Walters, Salford

I think somebody needs to re-sit their “Bigotry and Shouting” module. You correctly blamed the government for the extra red-tape (although you could have got bonus marks for mentioning civil service pensions) but the blind, black lesbians were not strictly appropriate here. Also, it’s “one-legged” not “one-eyed”, ok? We’re angry with them because they get all our money in benefits and lottery funding, not because of extra forms.

Thanks to Jeremy for this one from the debate on wind power.

what will happen when you draw so much energy out of our atmospheric system? or how much energy can you pull from moving air before the air stops moving?
justin, aylesbury

I found this quite sweet. Don’t fret Justin. We’d have to use an AWFUL LOT before we run out of breezes.