spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to Neil for sending me a link to a bunch of boring arseholes discussing the death of Heath Ledger. Not sure quite why they’re all so upset. It’s on a forum about black and white photography so I expect they feel things much more deeply than us average sheeple, sleep-walking through our daily lives without ever knowing that kind of pain.

I JUST read about it… My heart broke— like I litterally felt it.
I’ve been inlove with him since 10 Things I Hate About You…
And I was so looking forward to seeing him as the Joker in Batman… it’ll be bittersweet.
So talented. So young.
LaBellaVida

Sometimes I cut myself, just to make sure I’m still real. My parents don’t understand. People like me are more sensitive to emotions. Like that time we ran out of hummus and I tried to kill myself by skipping breakfast for a week.

One of the last movies I saw was A Knight’s Tale, where he acted in a completely engaging, charming & understated way. It was during a tough time in my life and I have lasting fond memories of Mr Ledger’s unique storytelling ability.

Although I don’t follow the entertainment or celebrity world, I am very much saddened to hear this news.

You seemed like a genuinely talented & nice chap, a rarer thing than should be.

[gasaig], Glasgow, United Kingdom

How bad does your life have to get before ‘A Knight’s Tale’ seems like a highlight?

“Heath Ledger found dead: Your reaction”

Heath who???
Ronald Dubbs, Florida, United States

Heath LEDGER. It says it at the top of the page, dullard.

Thanks to the Domino Cat.

When light comes to turn lithe subtleties into greatness, we all get bent out of shape. KL is dead and it’s really none of our business. He was working it out and we all went along to get a piece of the action, along with our popcorn and coke, and while we were sitting there pondering the relevance of our own secular sexualities, he was bleeding, banging on the door asking questions that 99% of us are too afraid to ask. And if you were still wondering, it’s not cool to be a gay cowboy anymore.
gbm, london

Good old Heath, banging on the door and asking questions we’re too afraid to ask. Stuff like:
“Are you finished yet? I’ve got turtlehead.”
and
“It’s gone crispy at the end. Is it supposed to look like that?”

Heath Ledger found dead.

The cause of death is something that worries us all. Was he stupid enough to take his own life or had he developed a drug problem or was it an incredibly tragic accident?
Either way, it was a nasty surprise to hear of his death upon getting into work this morning.
RIP
Andrew Bannerman, Cleethorpes

Thanks Andy! What’s your opinion on beige? What do you think about happiness? Do you like being happy? How do you imagine Heath’s family feel now? Do you think they’re sad? What did you have for lunch yesterday? How many teeth have you got? What’s the circumference of your thumb? Can you let me know exactly what colour your lips are? Mine are probably a little pinker than most. Some people’s are almost grey! What’s your opinion on lips? Do you like biscuits? What do you think about shitting? I mean, I sort of like it but I wouldn’t want to have to do it all day. Would you hate to be covered in shit? I would. Have you got any pets? What do you think about Britney? What do you think Nigella Lawson’s tits weigh?

Yet another round of self adoration and mutual congratulation.

Unfortunately, this rodomontade will keep a decent programme off the television.
Atom John, Derby

Got a new thesaurus? You’re a cat’s cunt.

Something I’ve started to notice recently is the HYS regulars using it more like a forum. Not only do they post several times a day (we only see the ones that are published!) but they’re actually creating “threads”. It makes me even more grateful for your submissions, as they save me having to read too much of it myself.

You obviously took cookery lessons rather than english langauge then.
Totally Disgruntled, Wokingham

Yes I can cook, but thing the that hits me is what a Dumbo you are, please go back to your beans on black toast.
That is if you can cook toast?
ALAN GRAVES

Not only can you not spell, but you don’t cook toast, you cook bread to make toast.
Britain’s Ruined, Reading

This would be fucking tragic on a normal forum but just imagine the dedication it takes for these pointless wastrels to sift through every last arse-grindingly boring post, just so they can find the next response from some other subnormal wanksock and keep their petty feud going.

Todays Labour cooking class will make -
Gordon Brownies
Ed stuffing Balls
Harman Eggs…
Myfanwy Morgan, Mumbles, Wales, United Kingdom

Hahahah! It’s funny because it’s true!!111lulz.

I’ve decided to introduce a new regular feature. I’m calling it “Animal Fanny Tuesday”. I expect I’ll also include gonads and penises at some point. Maybe even later today.

No worthwhile directorships for anyone likely at Farepak last year.
This time around it is a bank - and a non-executive post at a bank would be a nice little earner.
Am I a cynic?
Lord Zakspade of Elbonia

No. You’re a horse’s vagina.

Thanks to Andrew for this.

Why worry about human rights in China, it’s none of our business. We already trade with countries that abuse human rights like Cuba and their Guantanamo bay prison for untried suspects.

Of course Guantanamo bay is in Cuba, I’ve looked it up.
parlo vero, reading, United Kingdom

You need to bang yourself against a wall for a bit until you’re less rubbish.