Animal Fanny TuesdaysWednesdays #05
About that thing that squeaks at teenagers. Thanks to Gary.
Liberty once again takes to the stage for their regular display of moral dressage. These fantasists make deliberate choices to promote the rights of a smaller group to infringe on the rights of a far larger. I accept that the the privations meeted out to kids who enjoy standing outside a kebab shop annoying people in their eyes at least is far greater than the small scale privation suffered by the rest of walking past them but in aggregate the greater good is wilfully ignored by Liberty.
Gerry, London
Everybody’s got a novel in them somewhere. Except Gerry.
I heard some woman on Radio 4 doing a piece about this. She wandered into some shop that had one of these high-pitched “anti-teen devices” outside and asked the chap in there “What about the kids’ human rights?” (obviously trying to get a nice sound bite, she might as well have asked “Do you give hand-jobs to paedos?”). The chap said something like “Oh tush! Human rights!”, but a bit more working class and without any consonants. It got me wondering, are the “anti human-rights brigade” ignorant or just monumentally selfish? After all, these are the first people to complain when their conveniences are slightly infringed, let alone their rights. I concluded that they’re just everyday selfish humans. It’s just that their horizons are so narrow they can’t see the danger of denying the rights of others whilst trying to hang on to their own. Like dogs sat under the table, aware of the gluttonous feast above but waiting, patient and obedient, for a dropped chicken bone over which they can fight to the death. Bat twats.
See? I’m back with a vengeance. Comedy gold to brighten up your day.
40 Responses to “Animal Fanny TuesdaysWednesdays #05”
I was going to be serious, and quote the old line about “first they came for the Jews, and we did nothing, etc etc etc”, but I can’t be arsed.
Instead I want to know what the working-class translation of “tush” is. Was it “fuck that shit”?
Fish, he said they were working-class, not from the ‘hood.
According to my “Dictionary of Stereotypical Class Behaviour” he would have said “Gah, them ain’t for the likes af us, guvner” and then done amusing dance with a broom.
I’m sorry, my observations of the working classes were taken from a lowly housing estate in Dagenham where I had fun* growing up.
*If you think years of counselling to get over it is “fun”, that is.
“See? I’m back with a vengeance. Comedy gold to brighten up your day.”
Ooh, where, where?
Just kidding.
The have your say on this subject was so depressingly spiteful and small minded that I nearly left a spittle flecked rant of my own.
Instead I went out and burnt down some shops whilst wearing my hoody.
“Bat twats” is the funniest sentence I’ve read in months. Thank you.
Nanananananananananana Bat Twats!
Quickly Robin! To the Twat Cave!
I thought this was comedy gold too. Wow, there’s a device that screeches in the ears of kids between ages 11 and 18 only, who’re wearing tracksuits, spitting, loitering and dropping litter.
That’s amazing targetting, what about the ones that are farting in your general direction? Or the ones pissing in your flower beds? I suppose you only get those features with the ‘professional’ edition.
I’m wid da kidz on this one insofar as banning these machines ought pave the way for an outright ban on Mariah Carey. Where are my fucking rights when she opens her wretched noisy facehole? There are exceptional circumstances where the medical profession ought refrain from intervention; of which her vicarious self-harming episode was a perfect example.
They should play the ‘brown note’, the tone that makes you shit yourself instead.
Yes, the shopkeeper might shit himself too, but that would all be part of the fun.
And: Jacqui, they only switch the sound on when said betracksuited kids are in the vicinity. At least, that’s the theory.
Think I’ve got the solution to this one: let’s create a device that makes an annoying noise, only audible to miserable old penguin anuses whom spend their time moaning on have your say.
Or the BBC Web site could be rigged to play Mariah Carey whenever someone types: ‘PC brigade’, ‘PC gone mad’, ‘scum’ etc. Is that torture enough Matthew?
Let me know, Gordon and I are having a bit of an ideas deficit on this one.
Love, Jacqui.
I don’t understand young people these days. When I was young, my friends and I would line up along the promenade and eat our faggots and gravy in an orderly, respectful manner.
Why can’t todays youth do this?
Whats their fucking problem?
Bloody wankers.
A proper northern working class man on Radio 4 said the most profound thing I’ve ever heard recently when asked about the allowances for relatives scandal. First he was asked if he’s give money to his own kids, and he said yes, and then was asked “what if it was 40 thousand pounds?”. The chap replied:
“We have an expression… you can scratch your bottom, but don’t tear a hole in it!”
I cried at the beauty of both sentiment and expression.
Wouldnt it just be cheaper for the shopkeepers to just buy a big vicious dog? As long as it was trained to identify the hoddied yoof of course.
I’ve long been of the opinion that middle class people and grannies would buy kebabs by the truckload, if only the shops weren’t full of oiks saying things like ‘fack!’ and ‘cant!’ all the time.
Perhaps playing music through your mobile phone speaker counteracts the effects if the high pitched ‘weapon’(?).
Frankly, I would say they should just erect lazer powered death rays on the top of cctv cameras and simply exterminate any youngster without a side parting and proper shoes.
I’m not convinced that teenagers are sensitive to high frequencies at all. I’ve heard plenty of yoot listening to the high-pitched squealing sound of “Drum’n'treble” on their mobiles. Feel the weight of the half-inch woofer. Bass pressure.
Cloth-eared twats.
I don’t understand. How come no violent youth have glasses? You never see a speccy twat beating the shit out of an alsatian with an 1988 Wheezer & Chips Annual.
I say give these yobs glasses and watch them become polite and sport side-partings.
Bloody wankers.
The thing is, it’s not that targeted , I’m 30 years old and still able to hear the bloody thing… For the record, I don’t own any tracksuits or hooded tops.
Sorry, you must be either a theiving shit, dropper of litter, or have spent your yoof beating grannies.
What you’re trying to say is: all todays chavs should be given Lord Snooty conversion kits? Don’t think he had glasses, but definitely had a side-parting.
“The chap said something like “Oh tush! Human rights!”, but a bit more working class and without any consonants.”
Can I ask what’s wrong with being working class or speaking with a working class accent? This site can be really very funny but every now and again you write some guff like this. You may as well start ripping the piss out of pikeys.
I mention black people occasionally too. You should pull me up on my racism while you’re at it.
Yeah Nelson. When ARE you going to start ripping the piss out of Pikeys?
Nice easy target for you after all.
That’s not what he meant. Is it. Innit.
Oh come now Nelson, this site spends a lot of time picking people up on their narrow-minded prejudices, don’t be churlish if someone picks you up on yours. You weren’t just mentioning the working class, you were actively taking the piss out of the way they speak. If you did that about black people you most certainly would be picked up on it.
a) I wasn’t taking the piss out of his accent in any way. For me, calling something “working class” is not in any way pejorative.
b) You’re projecting your own prejudices or grievances onto me.
c) You’re a nincompoop.
d) I have a slight black country accent (where I grew up) mixed with a hint of Nottingham (where I’ve lived for the last 15 years). Do you imagine me with some sort of plummy voice?
e) I can’t believe I’m bothering to reply to you. You’re a nincompoop (see point “c”).
Disappointingly, Gerry’s had to resort to short bursts of plain English to express that (a) what the kids are doing is “standing outside a kebab shop”, and (b) what the victims are suffering is “walking past them”. You can *almost* miss that in the rest of the incoherent bullshit, though. I give him a B-.
I’ve never seen a child, so I can make no claim to be an expert. But aren’t they generally smaller than adults. Lets just give them a ruddy good kicking.
Or is that too obvious? After all I am no expert.
when does the pikey piss taking begin then?
After eight cans of super tenants and snuff movie.
Fucking hell, my retarded grammar strikes again. I’m on at least 5 strikes now.
My mum once refused to buy pegs and heather from a gypsy and the gypsy put a curse on our house. I laughed as the dilapidated excuse for womanhood hobbled down the street muttering to herself (the gypsy, not my mum…my mum is a fine woman…a very fine woman).
[quote]Sorry, you must be either a theiving shit, dropper of litter, or have spent your yoof beating grannies.[/quote]
Damn, you have me sussed… Eh well, back to my aspiring career in politics
and clearly not a career in quoting people…
Gerry sounds a lot like Oliver Kamm what with the verbal flatulence and torturous syntax. Like Kamm, I suspect he also has an over-inflated sense of his own intellect.
I wish he’d turn on comments on his blog but I somehow don’t think he will
I don’t think any of the people who might agree with him have ever heard of him. The only reason I’ve come across him is through a series of increasingly desperate attacks on Chomsky (who he seems to view as some sort of cult leader
). Not read any for a while though. Has he got round to criticising Chomsky’s hair yet? Or maybe his juggling ability? His sewing skills?
How do you do those Word Balloons? Honestly, it’s one rule for us hard-working Brits and another for immigrunts.
How do you do those Word Balloons? Honestly, it’s one rule for us hard-working Brits and another for immigrunts.
Bah. Not like I tried to, obviously.
Hah!