spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to Andy. “What is the best way to treat depression?”

There is little doubt that the most expensive placebo fed to the public over recent years is wind power – with hundreds now operational our power stations still burn the same amount of fossil fuel on windy days as they on windless days. But please do not tell the green soothsayers - as without this placebo they may all turn to Prozac or Seroxat.
Brian Christley, Abergele

Idiot. The wind farms weren’t built to treat depression. They were built to treat elbow cancer. Are YOU going to be the one who tells a distressed mother “I don’t care if your child has elbow cancer. I hate windmills”? ARE YOU BRIAN?? No. I thought not. Now comb those rabbit droppings out of your hair and get yourself cleaned up. They’re bringing your dindin in a minute.

Perhaps Brian is one of those people who, with a TPM* score of 0/3, answers all questions with the same answer. e.g.

Conductor: Can I see your ticket please?

Brian: Windmills make Brian boo hoo.

or

Random Stranger: Hi! I’m really sorry to bother you but I’ve just seen you sitting there and I felt compelled to come over and tell you that your entire demeanour screams “I’m a cunt!”. Are you, in fact, a cunt?

Brian: Windmills make Brian boo hoo?

* TPM = Thoughts Per Month. Two numbers are usually given. The first is the number of original thoughts. The second is the number of thoughts copied from a tragic, pot-bellied wanker in the pub who looked a bit like Jeremy Clarkson and pretended, through careful use of the word “pussy”, to be getting lots of sex.

Thanks to Gareth for putting me onto this confused pterodactyl twat.

Typically your average criminal sits on the inside of his five star prison refusing to be tested for DNA on the grounds of “human rights”. It’s law abiding subjects who get punished. But that’s our great country for you. I wouldn’t go back there.
[BritSoldDownTheRiver]

I do wonder why some of you people don’t abandon your lives of toil and hardship and join the gravy train. Come on, get yourself down the dole office. After a short spell of raking in £50,000 a year for doing nothing, you can send your kids to private school. After that, you only need to murder a few women (prostitutes are best for this) to earn yourself a happy retirement in a 5-star prison. All this is within your grasp. Stop whining and put some fucking effort in.

Infringement of human rights? Gay rights, women’s rights, immigrants rights. What about OUR rights?
[BritSoldDownTheRiver]

Once again, you’re just not trying hard enough. You can’t very well change your ethnicity and changing your sex is probably a little extreme. You can, however, go gay RIGHT NOW! All those human rights are there waiting for you if you’d just suck another man’s cock.

Thanks to Andy.

Northern Rock will sit like indigestion in the Brown, Darling and the Labour Party for decades.
cerroball, brighton

Hur hur.

No Matter How the Vote Turns Out, Mr Chavez does not plan to Lose,. He will either Steal the Election, Ignore the Vote and Declare Victory, or Blame the USA.
As if Hundreds of Thousands of College Students opposing hIm in One Rally after another are on the Payroll of the CIA and cannot Smell a Rat trying to Sieze Unlimited Power.
America wishes only the Best for the People of Venezula, Buena Suerte, Libertad…
Ronald Dubbs, Florida, United States

Every sentence in that was not merely “complete bollocks” but “deeply ironic complete bollocks”. You should have typed the words from “It’s Raining Men” instead. It would have seemed like you were just a bit odd rather than actively trying to convince everyone that you’re an idiot. Your opinions are worthless and you’re a halibut’s cunt.

A comment on this.

I have to ask, do people really believe we are somehow less prudish now than we (as a collective human oragnism, I guess) were sometime “back then” (another statement that seems imprecise by necessity)?

I’m sure you’re aware of this monstrosity (in the monstrare sense).
Nicholas

I bet he eats Ferrero Rocher EVERY DAY.

Even though I am law abiding I find that my attitude to the Police has changed over the last decade or so. I now actually avoid and fear the police in case any interaction leads them to decide that they need to sample my DNA and add it to their database. When they have your DNA it’s creepy - almost like they can read your sole.
Lisa, Manchester

If you’ve done nothing wrong then you’ve nothing to fear. Also, if you are planning on doing something wrong, just borrow someone else’s shoes, then they’ll never catch you.

Thanks to Magnus for this one. It’s from a Times Online article about how the modern world lacks heroes. You can see the original article here if you really want to.

Where, indeed, have all our heroes gone? It would seem that to find civilian and non-combat heroes today, we have to look at the list of recipients of the George Cross (including its predecessors).

As the George Cross is the counterpart to the military Victoria Cross awarded for gallantry in combat, it is an award for those who of their own volition, and when they did not have to, stepped forward to put their own life and limb in jeopardy. Those heroes came from all walks of life, and (ranged from pensioners to school children as young as 13 and 14.

What is disturbing is to see that fewer and fewer whose actions have measured up to the George Cross standards.

1900-09 — 2
1910-19 — 31
1920-29 — 25
1930-39 — 91
1940-49 — 183
1950-59 — 18
1960-69 — 7
1970-79 — 11
1980-89 — 0
1990-99 — 3
2000- 4

(The war presented more opportunities for heroism.)

Is the Health and Safety Nanny breeding heroism out of the British character?
Bob Evans, Anaheim, California

Your chart really brought it home to me. Where’s the opportunity for heroism when all our wars involve bombing the fuck out of poor people, thousands of miles away, who are no threat to us whatsoever? We need to start a war with someone who’s:

1. Local
2. Armed
3. No, sticks don’t count. Armed like we are, with aircraft carriers and fighter jets and 500lb bombs.

Only then will we see the necessary rise in the number of people losing limbs whilst trying to save dying children.

Of course, this would all be rather inconvenient and expensive so, as an alternative, I propose that we just start awarding the George Cross to the people we’re bombing instead. We’ve got a guaranteed supply of heroes there. Every last one of them has tragically lost family members and body parts. Perfect.

Another one from days of yore. Thanks to Toby for these (the second one is a reply to the first).

Good idea. I wonder how they will cater for those who ‘can’t’ or won’t want vegetarian - hindus, halal - muslims??? Start as you mean to go on. This is England, Britain even. Make all pupils fit the curriculum not the other way round. Remember we are English, British
sheila scott, Hadleigh

Cocksucker.

Had to comment on this one, I am a white british person, also a veggie. we are not all strange people you know!
[matt_the_countryboy], Norwich

You’ve got a you-don’t-have-to-be-mad-to-work-here-but-it-helps mug haven’t you?

Thanks to Becca.

ADHD is a lame excuse I have ever heard. My doctor told my parents I had ADHD. Guess what!? my dad from al bundy school of thought beat the ADHD out of me and now I am a normal upstanding law abiding member of the community.
braah, bradford

Becca wondered why it is that people who say things like “I turned out fine” are often complete twats and not fine at all.

I think one of the defining characteristics of the non-twat is that they sometimes think to themselves “Perhaps it’s me that’s the twat here”. Your average HYS twat never even considers the fact that they might be a twat. Ironically, this a large part of what makes them complete twats.

“How will the cut in interest rates affect you?”

Hopefully it will mean that my war coffers will buy the British Liberation Army army more munitions when we descend into an anarchic civil war following Dr. Rowan’s irresponsible comments.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

HAHAHAHAH ahahaha AHAHAH HAHahAHhahaha.

I’m sure the establishment are sitting up and taking notice, now that they’ve seen just how serious you are! You should stamp your feet a bit to really add emphasis.

hooahahahahohhoooo. HHAHAHAHahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHH.

Every time I think I’m desensitised to your insular turdbursts, you go and open up a whole new orifice to shit out of.

Hahahahahhahah..”more munitions”.. brilliant.