Miscellaneous Prats07 Mar 2008 03:30 pm

Pseudonym

By Nelson

In case you were wondering where your submission got to, here’s an example of one that I’ve only just got round to reading. A chap called Matthew sent it me before Christmas. I actually get shitloads of them now and I’d like to assure you that I’m grateful for each and every one, even if I don’t always have time to reply. So, your submission might still be in my queue. Of course, I might have already read and disgarded it with a snort of derision.

I ‘heard Santa Claus wasn’t going to visit us ,this year. Last year he was ‘nabbed’ for Parking. Fined by a Pooper snooper, when Dancer did a woopsy on the pavement! Charged with ‘house breaking because he couldn’t find a chimney to descend! (neighbor watchers )Caught on a speed camera,when fireworks frightend Prancer on the motorway! O yes,and done for ‘low flying!
‘ I would come’ he said ‘But I can’t afford it’
happy Christmas everyone
Cyclops
Peter Short, Birmingham

Such subversive wit. I expect the (fucking) blogosphere will soon be ablaze with rumour, as people race to uncover the true identity of “Cyclops”.

12 Responses to “Pseudonym”

  1. on 07 Mar 2008 at 3:35 pm   Perfidy

    None other than Birmingham’s Peter Short I suspect.

  2. on 07 Mar 2008 at 3:38 pm   Nelson

    It does have a whiff of Peter Short about it but it could just be someone emulating his style (witless and mildly incoherent).

  3. on 07 Mar 2008 at 3:43 pm   NWSimon

    It doesn’t even make sense as PGCM bollocks - you can’t even, er, break into people’s houses, fly too low, or let your pets shit on the pavement - are there no freedoms left?!

  4. on 07 Mar 2008 at 4:00 pm   Mr Blackett

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  5. on 07 Mar 2008 at 4:01 pm   Padwick

    It’s like paint by numbers, but with words and terrible grammar. Why the moniker “cyclops”? He has not got depth perception. Did he want it for christmas? Is that what this literal mess is about?

  6. on 07 Mar 2008 at 4:07 pm   Honest Mistake

    Maybe Magneto spiked his drink.

  7. on 07 Mar 2008 at 4:14 pm   Padwick

    With what? Brain-AIDS?

  8. on 07 Mar 2008 at 4:26 pm   philbert

    Pics or it didn’t happen.

  9. on 07 Mar 2008 at 9:48 pm   Clara Belle

    “Last year he was ‘nabbed’ for Parking”

    Nabbed for parking? Of all that I don’t understand that bit I don’t understand most of all. With the Yank spelling of neighbour I think they just plagiarised that bit of nonsense…which is slightly more frightening

  10. on 08 Mar 2008 at 9:40 am   The Home Secretary

    You know Nelson, old son, if you’re having troubles keeping up with submissions I could whip-up a site where people could submit stuff and we could vote on whether it’s shit or not.

    There could be a danger of the site turning into what it hates, without your screening however. We could always make voting invite only?

    I’ll get the Number 10 Web bitches working on it ASAP, just say the word.

  11. on 10 Mar 2008 at 12:19 pm   Morte

    Surely he would be in more danger of appearing on the Sex Offenders register? Well have you ever see Gary Glitter and Father Christmas in the same room?

  12. on 05 Jul 2008 at 11:39 am   Valentine

    Just do it: ,