spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to pencilmonitor for finding this on the Daily Express site. It’s about someone who got murdered (does anyone else struggle to be terrified by these, admittedly awful, stories? I just can’t connect freak events to the uneventful lives almost everyone is actually living. Perhaps I need to get worse at maths. Or maybe just join more mobs).

I’m not sure the phrase “shooting fish in a barrel” quite covers spotting SYB entries on the Daily Express site. I prefer “smashing sleeping kittens in the face with a hammer”.

Felt quite giddy reading this. Bring back hanging as soon as possible because these crimes are just getting sicker and sicker. If they are hanged they can’t plead temporary insanity.
SonofNeptune

Depressed? Temporarily insane? Worried about what you read in your arse-scratch of a newspaper? Got a bit of a sore leg? Hang yourself today!

Thanks to Angel.

What is your reaction to Budget 2008?

Whatever happens, it won’t benefit me.

I drive a car to get to work every day to do a job I hate, so I can pay tax so other people don’t have to..

I’d leave if I had my own country to go back to.
Working Class tax payer, Bracknell

Hate your job? Hang yourself.

This comment was posted on the Sky News site in response to Kay Burley’s mildly controversial interview with Steve Wright’s wife.

While his lack of sex in the bedroom is no excuse whatsoever for killing 5 prostitutes, I cannot help but bring out the fact to be considered here - the high age gap between couples, particularly if the older one happens to be the female. In Steve’s case, his partner is 60years old, 11 years older than him. Can anyone show me a 60 year old pensioner that still wants sex? She will be medically dry. Even my wife at 42 years old do not want sex anymore! So for such a man with such a high sex drive, what chance has he got with a 60year old, who will probably not be sexually active? Hence, I think there needs to be some sort of govt regulations into age gaps in marriages, in other to prevent such incidences occurring where the younger partner, with a higher sex drive will have to resolve to either prostitutes or affairs for sex. That said, lack of sex should not make a man a killer, so if he has indeed killed all those 5 women, keep him in and throw away the keys!!!
Jude Fellows from Chelsea

Very balanced and not at all mental. I’m worried that extrapolating from “doesn’t want to have sex with me” to “doesn’t want to have sex at all” may not be statistically valid. Ideally, you need to ask your missus if there’s anyone she would hump. Try starting with Johnny Depp. Also, I strongly advise that you have a wank. Immediately.

A very old one. Thanks to Ner for this. Fuck knows what the question was.

Great Britain quite contrary
How does your workforce grow?
With no disabled but with white women
and their children
waiting at home.
Robert Edge

I’d always wondered who exactly it was that enjoyed “comedy songs”. It’s the people who haven’t the wit to write them. This explains why everyone has occasionally had to sit through some cunt singing songs where one line ends with “muck” and the next rhyming line ends with “Ffffinsbury Park”. YOU THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO SING “FUCK”! DO YOU SEE? THAT’S WHY IT’S FUNNY. HE NEARLY SANG “FUCK”! GET IT? “FUCK”? IT’S RUDE AND HE NEARLY SAID IT. Laugh? I nearly dropped my wheatgrass sorbet.

Thanks to Steven.

If there’s anyone that should pledge allegience to put British interests first, it should be the Labour government!

Gordon Brown, Tony Bliar - I’m talking about you!

This imbecile Britain-hating government always puts foreign interests first, like when Gordon Clown gave 1 billion worth of aids to China and India the other month!
Butter Fingers, Nothinghamshire

If you really are that upset about giving away a load of AIDS, you could always go and sleep your way round Africa to try and get some of it back. You’d have to put a bag over your head first, obviously.

To be serious for a minute, whilst the whole “Gordon Clown” thing is very funny indeed, I think you’re missing the point of his clever plan. Surely, giving all those foreigners AIDS is a good thing? In a matter of weeks, all the Indians and Chinese will be dead from this terrible plague and we can finally work in OUR OWN BRITISH call centres and allow OUR OWN BRITISH children to work 18 hour days stitching trainers with their tiny, nimble hands.

Thanks to Abhishek for introducing me to this hateful, sweaty, bison muff. He actually talked about his “birthright” once, a word which always makes me think about steaming turds. “Your birthright sir? Ah, yes. It’s nearly ready for you, sir. Just a moment…. NNNNNNGGGG… I had a mixed grill for .. HHrrrrng.. breakfast… NNNNG.. AHHH. There you go, sir. Shall I pop it in a bag for you?”.

We, the British people, now face the very real prospect of becoming an ethnic minority in our own country within a few decades. The only way to stop this is to vote BNP. It’s that simple.
David Owen, Newport

IT’S THAT SIMPLE.

British nationality should be about blood and ancestry, not passing some silly test.
The sooner our laws are changed to reflect this, the better, in my opinion.
David Owen, Newport

I examined your blood and ancestry. Turns out you’re a rat snatch.

“Do we really want a Nazi state?
John Anson, Camelford, United Kingdom”

If that’s what it takes to put this country back on track, John, then the answer, I’m afraid, is yes.
David Owen, Newport

I note that Dr Williams suggested that we come to “an accommodation” with the Muslim community regarding Sharia law.

I seem to remember another prominent Briton, Neville Chamberlain, using the very same terminology with regard to his dealings with the Nazi’s.

Appeasement of a dangerous ideology didn’t work in 1939, and it won’t work now.
David Owen, Newport

Watching somebody this stupid attempt to construct a coherent, internally consistent, argument is a bit like watching a gorilla try to fashion a fully functional television set out of plums and rabbit tods.

Thanks to Jon for pointing me at this chap. I eagerly await the usual brace of comments assuring me that he can’t possibly be real.

It has long been known that Royalty is appointed by God. Having a prince at their side will be a boost to the common footsoldier.

Even the Talyban will think twice before shooting at a prince. Their respect for god will weaken their resolve to kill his annointed representative on earth.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; Cry ‘God for Harry, England, and Saint George!’
[UnionJackSparrow], London, United Kingdom

It’s a wonder he bothers with bodyguards, what with that holy aura.

White working class people do the bulk of fighting in Iraq. But would any of these so called Iraqi Asylum seekers join the British Army - fight for the country that has welcomed them onto its dole against their oppressive former homeland.

People coming to Britain need to BE BRITISH FIRST.
[UnionJackSparrow], London, United Kingdom

That’s the cleverest idea I’ve heard in years. Suddenly, China’s growing military strength seems less worrying. Granted, we may not have the resources to invade them ourselves, but if we outsource our army to China (where soldiers are cheap and plentiful) we can take them easy.

The “How come I’m poor? I’m WHITE FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” debate has been mostly presenting us with incomprehensible hate-rants, so I’ve decided to redress the balance with a short essay from the ever insightful Dixon Duval.

I’m sure they are ignored in many ways, it’s a two prong approach, a double whammy if you will. Normal straight working white people do what they are supposed to do, complain moderately, if at all, and protest little. That’s not news worthy in this day of “dirty laundry”, violence and the perverse. Without publicity there is a “fading” of identify or notice. Jobs will continue to change and the white working class must stay ahead of the curve or lose their livelihood. The government ……..
Dixon Duval, NM, United States

I admire your stamina. I nodded off about three words in, myself.

Another old one. I’m ill in bed so I’m going through them. My life has changed immeasurably since I got a laptop. Sometimes I sit on the bog and write my blog. Thanks to Joe for this. The submission, not the ability to post while pooing.

I am concerned at the number of foreign people selling the ‘Big Issue’ in my town and in other towns around where I live. Many of them are Romanian. I do not understand why they continue to live here if they are homeless.

I also do not understand what happened to the Scottish Big Issue sellers. Have they all been rehomed? I doubt it very much.
Jane Knox, Hamilton

After reading this, all I could think of was Charlie Brooker’s Scum-B-Gone, so I’m just going to link to it. I prefer his early, more difficult work and I went completely off him at the exact moment you started liking him.

In case you were wondering where your submission got to, here’s an example of one that I’ve only just got round to reading. A chap called Matthew sent it me before Christmas. I actually get shitloads of them now and I’d like to assure you that I’m grateful for each and every one, even if I don’t always have time to reply. So, your submission might still be in my queue. Of course, I might have already read and disgarded it with a snort of derision.

I ‘heard Santa Claus wasn’t going to visit us ,this year. Last year he was ‘nabbed’ for Parking. Fined by a Pooper snooper, when Dancer did a woopsy on the pavement! Charged with ‘house breaking because he couldn’t find a chimney to descend! (neighbor watchers )Caught on a speed camera,when fireworks frightend Prancer on the motorway! O yes,and done for ‘low flying!
‘ I would come’ he said ‘But I can’t afford it’
happy Christmas everyone
Cyclops
Peter Short, Birmingham

Such subversive wit. I expect the (fucking) blogosphere will soon be ablaze with rumour, as people race to uncover the true identity of “Cyclops”.