spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to Poppy for this one from the Southern Daily Echo. She liked the way their pointless argument created a set of nested boxes. So did I, so I coloured it in.

Thanks to Lucie for this one from a BBC article about the A.S.A.

Well after reading this I have concluded that there’s not much point in having ASA. As far as I’m concerned all of these complaints should have seen the adverts banned, as should all adverts of female hygiene products. How standards have slipped with the passage of time. Bring back Mary Whitehouse, I say.
Anne Porter, Belfast

There should be a women-only channel where women can talk about their disgusting secret without having to worry men and children about it. It’s especially important to protect young girls from the truth, just in case they start thinking it’s perfectly normal.

More from my favourite soulless prick. The first is something to do with immigration.

This is just the first of many FACTS that the woolly-left have been ignoring for many years now.

It is only a matter of time before race riots spill blood on our streets.

Why did nobody listen to Enoch Powell all those years ago?

A mongoose and a snake will never live happily in the same pit.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

You heard it here first. DON’T MIX YOUR MONGEESE WITH SNAKES OR THEY WILL NEVER BE HAPPY.

Is hip-hop ‘wrong’ for Glastonbury?

I never understood why people go to these things anyway.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

Haven’t you heard??? Owning a valid Glastonbury ticket entitles you to pay an extra £500 into your cash ISA!!!

I’ve got a raft of entries from this hilarious pig snatch. Although he (male I think) is a racist prick there’s also plenty of tragic comedy to be had in his consistently moronic posts. It all got even funnier when he mentioned that he’s 27 and suddenly my imagination dressed him in a bow-tie and had him listening to the musicals of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Here’s a first batch, concerning communism.

The UK should be very cautious of its ties with china until they abandon their archaic hold onto Communism (China, that is! Hard to tell who I mean with Labour in power, I know!) and continue to try and acquire Western military technology/data by surreptitious means.

I also will not listen to one more hypocritical word from this shower of a government with regards to “protecting the environment” and “green taxes” while they continue to encourage manufacturing in China.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

I love the idea of those sneaky Chinese peasants (with their bamboo trousers and hats made of rice) trying to sneakily steal all our brilliant technology and data. Any day now they’ll acquire the recipe for gun powder and THEN WHERE WILL WE BE?

But how slender does your grasp of politics and history have to be in order to think our government is communist? I guess it’s possible that he actually has a really solid grasp but has had his head wedged in some railings since 1993 and gets all his news third hand from his mum. She feeds him mashed up banana with a spoon and then tells him stories about the evil red threat and how it’s safest if he stays here, wedged between the bars with mummy, until Elrond has defeated Gordon Brown.

“Mr Brown should be ashamed that he has allowed his position as PM of this country to be used by a ruthless communist regeime.
Mark, Hednesford“

As I have been saying for many years now, the Labour party are merely Communists in disguise.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

It’s a VERY fucking good disguise.

Is this the beginnings of Cold War 2? Let’s hope so… it’s just the shake-up that Britain needs.

A call to arms will soon sort the wheat from the chaff. Or should I say the willing from the chavs?
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

What sort of hippo’s cock actually thinks a war would be good way to have a “shake-up”? The sort of startlingly misinformed Young Conservative who thinks the Cold War was actually a war, that’s who. We should round up all these sabre rattling idiots, give them guns and put them on opposite sides of a big field and shout “Go!”. Part of me hopes that they’d kill each other but it seems more likely that they’d hide in a ditch and wet themselves instead (to be fair, this is by far the sanest response and I suspect a great deal of army training is based around overcoming this instinct).

I’ve got loads more from him. Most of these prats post 10 boring racist rants for every comedy gem but this cunt is accidentally hilarious almost every time.

Thanks to James for this one from Sky News about the Austrian father who kept his daughter captive. I can’t really improve on James’s comment: “Obviously SR has seen the pictures of his house and considers some DIY in order”

To PAUL FROM HERTFORDSHIRE, i would be first in line with a house brick in one hand & a pair of pliers in the other.
SR, Stoke-on-Trent

Thanks to Kara for finding these in The Sun. Too easy I know, but she bothered to take pictures so they’re going in. They’re a bit hard to read so the text is here too.

GIVE the men n women in UK forces all our support n 5-star accom. N string up murderers!
MARK, Preston, Lancs

I really love the dedication to using “n” and the careful use of an upper case “N” at the start of the sentence. N also the complete non-sequitur.

JUDGES who give lenient sentences to paedos are hiding hidden desires themselves
ANON

I think people who spend most of their time being conspicuously outraged about paedos are probably paedos. It’s a bit like the whole “he who smelled it dealt it” thing. You really can’t win. Especially not if you’re a horrid, yellow-fingered paedo.

From Dr. Goblin. These are old but I’ve been sat on them a while, warming them with my arse. From the debate ‘Will the world go short of food?’.

If people would only use their ‘Loaf’! Nobody would starve!
ps Sorry if you don’t get the pun!
Iam Alwrite, MN, United States

Could you explain it to us?

Thanks for the reminder… I forgot to get my daily bread!!!!
Iam Alwrite, MN, United States

Shutup fucker.

And another set from “Is the church of England in crisis?”. In case anyone has forgotten, this “crisis” was prompted by Dr. Rowan Williams mentioning sharia law but forgetting to make absolutely clear that all muslims are untermenschen who eat babies.

what religion is he in? a christian is not a muslim.if he likes islam so much he should quit and go and be a muslim.
kzin, london

Yeah. Let’s go fetch your mum and you can tell on him.

The Anglican church is an apostate heretical mess that has long departed from the Bible. Its candle has already been plucked from the lampstand and no longer has anything to do the remnant kept by the Lord God.
[5ptCalvin]

Think about it, if you could create light by simply saying “let there be light” would you bother with a candle remnant? No. There’s only one reason the Lord God would need a candle. He’s enjoying an everlasting, omnipotent bumwank. That’s why we’ve heard feck all from him these last 2,000 years. The waxy-arsed bastad.

Anglican church is in crisis because of you not church leaders. You, and like you try to seed insecurity between people. Probably most of you are homosexsuals, and muslims.
Lee

99% of terrorists are gay muslims. FACT.

More from the racist thread. These two made me laugh. The first was posted on March 6th at 9:30 AM.

The white silent British majority is just too apathetic to do anything, unlike the French who use their boats to blockade ports and stop, empty and burn the contents of British lorries when they get upset.

We bang on about our wartime spirit, but don’t seem to have a peace time spirit.

Our tolerance threshold seems far too high, we just take everything lying down.

About time the silent majority got off our backsides and fill London streets with hundreds of thousands of marchers.
Totally Disgruntled, Wokingham

At this point, the confused old camelcock obviously dragged his piss-soaked corpse out into the street for a quick protest about darkies. Unfortunately, it turned out that the white, silent, British majority was at work and so he had to head back inside, totally disgruntled. Then, at 10:45 AM, he had another idea:

If the silent majority is too apathetic to march through London, why don’t we all put a national flag of choice as a protest in a window of our homes, to show politicians, both local and national, that we are fed up being discriminated against as white people in our own country.

By flags of choice I mean the respective flags of England, Scotland, Wales & Ireland.

It will get the message across, take little effort and be very visual as a protest.
Totally Disgruntled, Wokingham

It’s very effective. Whereas, if you just painted “I’M A CUNT” on your door, all the forruns wouldn’t understand.

Will extra police curb radicalisation?

I expect the 300 extra police will be proactively recruited from ethnic minorities and will exclude white British males.

So, far from fundementalist Islamists having to find covert ways to infiltrate our police “services”, they are likely to be welcomed with open arms with all the usual standards and requirements being skewed to ensure they get in.

Then we will need another police department to keep an eye on those watching for terrorism.

You just couldn’t make it up!
Totally Disgruntled, Wokingham

I found this one an interesting (if slightly depressing) insight into the mind of a boring racist prick. I like the way he starts off with a bit of conjecture, then fabricates a ludicrous scenario, elaborates wildly, gets annoyed about it then, finally, having forgotten that he’s making all this shit up proclaims that you “couldn’t make it up”.

What tests should immigrants face?

Question 1: Are you a Muslim?
If yes to Q1 then finish questionnaire, you are rejected, return to the Middle East, do not pass go!
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

I hope you grow a dog’s cunt where your eye should be.