Thanks to Jon.
Charity shops are not being charitable nowadays: many are too choosy & turn down slightly soiled items.This is unacceptable & I have ceased to support them on that account.
ian cheese
They must be fucking gutted not to receive your “slightly soiled items”.
Something about knifecrime. Did you hear what I said? I said KNIFECRIME! Got it? KNIFECRIME!
If the wheatfield has weeds present, how do we cleanse the field and turn the weeds into wheat?
We can treat the symptoms (knifecrime), we can also try to treat the causes (Mr Tony Blair had 10 years to tackle this).
The basic cause surely influences more than knifecrime, and influences all crime? Burglary, theft, car crime, fraud, child abuse, rape, violence, murder, …
What are the government achievements to date in reducing the causes of crime? An update please, Home Secretary….
Justice Cocklecarrot, Auchtermuchty, United Kingdom
Did anyone else read this and expect the wheatfield analogy to come back? I was hoping we were going to bang Tony Blair against a metal grate until his chaff fell off. Or maybe grind up the “symptoms wheat” into “causes flour” and then bake a tasty “crime bun” or something. Sadly, it seems that Justice Cocklecarrot has limited RAM and forgot his opening gambit by the time he got to the next sentence. The Twat-O-Tron is genuinely more coherent than these people. It’s actually frightening.
Thanks to Stephen for this one. On an unrelated note, I broke the Twat-O-Tron last night and then fell asleep. When I woke up, the world was full of people wailing and gnashing their teeth. So I fixed it again.
Start with the adults of today and then move on to the adults of the tomorrow. More jobs in public sector, less people scrounging on dole. Self funding and cleaner, better Britain. Hence long term change of attidute/behaviour and therefore passed down onto children. Therefore more police and less crime, also as more people working there is less time for boredom and hence less knife crime.
project is a 15+ years project. There is no short term fix.
*David*, Chesterfield
You are wise beyond your years. Unless you’re over 12.
A couple of chaps (Chris and Ed) created a generator that makes up HYS bollocks. It’s frighteningly realistic and I’m honouring it with its own page.
Behold, the TWAT-O-TRON.
Thanks to Chris.
the idea that song lyrics are good sadly is a missguided concept. not since the early eighties has popular even resembled human speach. its endemic of poor quality university studies to analyse song lyrics, either they cant learn anything worthwile or it realy is true that with higher learning you lessen common sence and these are our future polititions well now i understand new labour sadly i can honestly say i feel a deep shame to say im british.
[delminister], truro, United Kingdom
I went to see Public Enemy last night. Imagine my surprise when a couple of African-looking gentlemen jumped up on stage and started shouting incomprehensible gobbledegook from the ghetto.
Thanks to one of my donors for these entries from the complaints log.
DOCTOR WHO
“A good idea for a storyline would be if the Doctor finds an old record player in the Tardis and plays some old songs on vinyl.”
Space vinyl? Or just normal vinyl from the 16th century?
RADIO 2
“Steve Wright said used the Celsius measurement to provide the weather forecast. This is not the temperature scale I use or anybody else in the UK. Its European Union propaganda and I’m fed up with the BBC constantly pushing it.”
BBC RADIO WM
“Ed Doolan should not have allowed the person being interviewed to promote vegetarian and vegan foods.”
BREAKFAST TV
“There is no need for two presenters on the programme. I also don’t like to see coffee cups on the table.”
CASH IN THE ATTIC
“I am upset by the use of therm ‘anoraks’ by Jennie Bond when a train set was sold. It gives a negative impression of people who have train sets and there is no need for it in my opinion. The term ‘anorak’ conjures up images of men who expose themselves in long trench coats and it is unfair to label people with train sets in this way.”
BBC NEWS (GENERAL)
“I feel there is so much crime in Britain that it warrants its own, separate news programme. This way we could watch the regular news and not be subjected to constant stories about murder and assault”
Brilliant idea! There could be another one all about sport, and another one all about weather. Then they could put them all on, one after the other, in quick succession, using the same presenters.
Cars have become quasi instinctive in people and cannot be reversed by petrol price hikes. They will forego most things before giving up driving.
[Cosmologic], London, United Kingdom
“Quasi instinctive”? Twat.
Thanks to Angel for this one from Times Online. It’s a restaruant review as far as I can make out and doesn’t have anything to do with Lauren, her mother, support or messages of support.
hello ,i am a teacher in a boys school in Dublin ,Ireland and we read about Lauren the young girl who cared for her mother at home .The boys were so moved by her efforts that they wrote individual letters of support to her with messages of support ,how do I get them to her ?
anthony o flynn , dublin 6 w , ireland
You could try pasting them into random text input fields all over the internet?
Thanks to Mike.
Do any of you out there copulate with animals to reproduce? I think not. What sort of territory are we moving into? This whole exercise will result in the reproduction of some being, neither human nor animal.
The Pheasant Plucker, Norfolk
As Mike pointed out “Of course we don’t copulate with animals to reproduce, it’s just for recreation”. So if your pheasant is telling you that she’s pregnant with your “being”, don’t listen to her, she’s just trying to screw you out of child suppport.
There’s so much of this stuff I don’t think I can carry on splitting it up so much or I’ll be generating TOO MUCH content. Then all the ISPs will come and ask me for money to help provide the service their customers are paying them for.
BREAKFAST (TV NEWS)
“I am sick of the constant mispronunciation of the word ‘February’ on this programme.”
“Declan Curry should have told the couple wearing sunglasses with the baby, that their baby was squinting against the sun and that they should have therefore protected its eyes as well as their own.”
Re. Sex Education: “I feel that it is so irresponsible to talk about sex this early in the morning. There could be young children watching and they certainly do not need to know about this yet. It should be the parents decision to inform children about sexual education and not a news programme.”
“The presenter keeps saying the word for ‘ate’ by pronouncing it as ‘et’ this is very poor spoken English.”
ESCAPE TO THE COUNTRY
“The programme suffered as a result of the presenters using the word ‘okay’ too often. It was said so many times, that it made me switch off. It is frustrating to hear the same phrases said too many times.”
PANORAMA - PRISONS UNLOCKED
“The programme should have investigated the possibility of using prison ships to hold prisoners.”
WATCHDOG
“The programme used animals to highlight the problems with a car company. It is a disgrace that animals were used to highlight these faults.”
BREAKFAST (TV NEWS)
“I would like to suggest a new section called ‘what if?’. It would discuss scenarios based on current news items such as ‘what if all the pensioners in the country put up their own candidate and voted for themselves?’ and various other taboo subjects.”
DOCTOR WHO
“I think that there should be a spin-off type programme which emulates I’D DO ANYTHING, were they look for his next assistant from hopefuls around the United Kingdom.”
“I would like Michael Caine to appear in a future episode.”
EASTENDERS
Felt the scene where Steven Beale tried to suffocate Pat Butcher was unsuitable for broadcast. “I was appalled to see Steven attempt to smother Pat with a pillow. I was watching with my young grandchildren and this was not what I wanted them to see. At the very least there should have been a warning before the programme to warn parents.”
Felt it was inappropriate to show two men kissing. “My four year old son was watching this. I had to explain to him that it was not right to kiss boys.”
GENERAL TV
“I do not want to see David Cameron on the television anymore.”
ONE SHOW
Feels that the programme is excellent. “I watch it every night, although Adrian Chiles needs to sit properly or he will damage his back in later life.”
BREAKFAST (TV NEWS)
“Sian Williams relaxed manner makes her very easy to watch.”
“Would it be possible to get a weather forecast from Carol Kirkwood without her being inundated with compliments by the other presenters? Does she have such low self-esteem that she has to be encouraged all the time? I find it very irritating.”
EGGHEADS
“I am unhappy that the Eggheads always have silly grins on their faces, when the Challengers get an answer wrong.”
HEROES (US SERIES)
“I thought that it was wrong to broadcast images of a girl cutting off one of her toes at this time of the evening. I understand that it was after the Watershed, but in my opinion it was still too early for something like this to appear on TV. Children would undoubtedly still be awake and it could give them the idea to copy the girl.”
ONE SHOW
Felt it was inappropriate for a presenter to yawn at the camera. “We were eating our tea at the time and it was disgusting.”
“The smallest house in Wales is not in Conway as you reported but it is in Llanrwst.”