Self-appointed Sages30 May 2008 01:13 pm

Knifecrime

By Nelson

Something about knifecrime. Did you hear what I said? I said KNIFECRIME! Got it? KNIFECRIME!

If the wheatfield has weeds present, how do we cleanse the field and turn the weeds into wheat?
We can treat the symptoms (knifecrime), we can also try to treat the causes (Mr Tony Blair had 10 years to tackle this).
The basic cause surely influences more than knifecrime, and influences all crime? Burglary, theft, car crime, fraud, child abuse, rape, violence, murder, …
What are the government achievements to date in reducing the causes of crime? An update please, Home Secretary….
Justice Cocklecarrot, Auchtermuchty, United Kingdom

Did anyone else read this and expect the wheatfield analogy to come back? I was hoping we were going to bang Tony Blair against a metal grate until his chaff fell off. Or maybe grind up the “symptoms wheat” into “causes flour” and then bake a tasty “crime bun” or something. Sadly, it seems that Justice Cocklecarrot has limited RAM and forgot his opening gambit by the time he got to the next sentence. The Twat-O-Tron is genuinely more coherent than these people. It’s actually frightening.

19 Responses to “Knifecrime”

  1. on 30 May 2008 at 1:19 pm   fucko the clown

    I’d use cillit bang, it gets rid of most problems.

    suggest it to government steering committee?

  2. on 30 May 2008 at 1:30 pm   Rich (MMath)(Oxon)

    That wheat analogy is deep. They should be studying this guy at Cambridge instead of wasting their time with Amy Winehouse and those other rappers.

  3. on 30 May 2008 at 1:40 pm   NWSimon

    Why does he say ‘Mr Tony Blair’? Is he referring to the actual former Prime Minister or the puppet from the Friday Night Armistice?

  4. on 30 May 2008 at 1:43 pm   John A

    Note that no “causes” are actually presented to the reader other than Tony Blair’s premiership.

  5. on 30 May 2008 at 1:44 pm   Katie

    This guy is properly on top of things. Fraud *and* rape, in one sweeping anti-crime wheatfest.

    Good to see he’s also dealing with burglary as well as theft. Too many people leave the theft and focus just on the burglary.

  6. on 30 May 2008 at 2:01 pm   Umlaut Ampersand

    Unleash the Combine Harvester of Justice!

  7. on 30 May 2008 at 2:04 pm   Alex

    How do you turn weeds into wheat?

  8. on 30 May 2008 at 2:09 pm   Oliver (not Oli)

    I’m surprised he didn’t put something in there about sexandviolence too.

  9. on 30 May 2008 at 2:10 pm   773

    I’d like to see a Venn diagram of all these crimes. I’m interested to know to what extent murder is a subset of violence, and vice versa. Also to see whether there’s any overlap between theft and burglary, or indeed fraud and child abuse, or whether they’re discrete/mutually exclusive phenomena. Could I have that on my desk first thing tomorrow morning please, Home Secretary? Thanks.

  10. on 30 May 2008 at 2:17 pm   Peter

    Just to be terribly geeky, the knobrash is actually stupider than the average person. He lives in Auchtermuchty, in Scotland. Thus the Justice Secretary and Scottish Government have responsibility over justice policy. Unlike most of Scotland, he doesn’t seem to know this…

    Probably a good thing, we can send him down to London when Ec gets independence…

  11. on 30 May 2008 at 3:06 pm   Paul D. Waite

    I’ll take a tasty crime bun. Actually, I’ll probably STEAL it, a ha ha ha ha hm.

    I believe theft and burglary are two different crimes though, to be fair. Burglary is when you break into someone’s house to commit theft. See the Theft Act, 1968.

  12. on 31 May 2008 at 12:12 am   Royce

    The Home Secretary is too stoned off her face on these non-wheat weeds to respond.

    If the wheatsheaf doth glint in the night, beneath the moon’s eerie whiteness, how do blacks keep getting into our fucking country that is for us whites. Unless they’re poles. Unless they’re the ones that fixed my toilet when I vomited and accidentally missed the keyboard.

  13. on 31 May 2008 at 6:51 pm   Mr Clovis

    Wheat fuels gluten intolerance.
    Wheat leads to bread, slicing and therefore knifecrime.
    The reader is left to ponder rape seed.

  14. on 01 Jun 2008 at 8:42 pm   sackcloth and ashes

    ‘Justice Cocklecarrot’ is a character in ‘Private Eye’, so this may be a piss-take.

  15. on 01 Jun 2008 at 9:17 pm   Alex

    Or an imbecile that reads Private Eye.

  16. on 01 Jun 2008 at 10:26 pm   clansman

    Totally obvious piss-take. Auchtermuchty indeed! As the appalling John Junor might have said “Mr Justice Cocklecarrot will be dancing in the streets of Auchtermuchty tonight” if he reads this site.

    So I suspect might ian cheese the “slightly soiled items” charity shop man.

    Someone needs to fine tune their twat detector, and possibly take them self a little less seriously.

  17. on 02 Jun 2008 at 7:44 am   James

    Surely if it’s a piss-take it should be, you know, funny? Or at least coherent enough to make plain what it’s spoofing?

  18. on 02 Jun 2008 at 9:53 am   Nelson

    Sackcloth and Clansman are obviously pisstakes.

    e.g. “sackcloth” posted another comment just before that one about how one of our armchair generals was actually a sound military strategist and laughing at him makes us look stupid :)
    http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/2008/01/29/toy-soldiers/

  19. on 03 Jun 2008 at 12:30 pm   Alex

    Wow, here’s a great solution to knifecrime, courtesy of angry man:

    I worry more about Blackpool whose souvenir shops sell stabbing implements of a completely different nature and I can’t make up my mind which I’m the more scarred of?…..

    Believe it or not I don’t want to see those scars. So what’s your solution?

    Sidcup….! Sidcup!!