spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to Alex for this one. It’s from a Times piece about the reappointment of Mervyn King for a second term as Governor of the Bank of England. Yes, I’ve had it in my inbox since January.

I have been attacked today in Tesco for sending a Birthday card to my sister aged 61. The counter assistant decided it was not Jewish to celebrate birthdays and so I was weeded out. The Irish woman with IRA terror effects refused to serve me and left my card and difficult gift card unattended where anyone could have grabbed my goods as gift cards are easy fraud with no security for gift. A youth like Bhutto or orange brown skin and about 3 women than harangued me and said the woman was crying. In my life women have made me cry when younger and so it seems silly. They did not discern my need and now we face smaller and smaller populations while aliens and terror history rules our green and once pleasant land. These juveniles banned me from Tesco2 and seem to know my telephone number and address and my dire financial situation which I manage but they have a conspiracy with dentists, doctors, sport & car to block my every move as a sick intelligence as in 1984 + 3,4 wars before.
Dr MI Barton MA. MBA.PhD, Oxon., UK

It’s obviously written by someone who’s a bit poorly but it’s quite good fun trying to imagine what really happened in Tesco that day.

Thanks to Michael. What lessons should be learned from last Summer’s floods? Anyone else starting to feel the same way about the phrase “lessons to be learned” as they do about phrases like “I’m sorry, I think I just shat in your bed”?

The lesson to be learned is that our councils have more interest in wheelie bins and fortnightly socialist rubbish collection than in safeguarding individual householders against flood damage. Why should they care, they are all insured rich people anyway.
jeremy slawson, plymouth, United Kingdom

Are those fucking commie dustbin men taking your away rubbish again? Can’t trust anyone these days can you? You leave it out for ONE NIGHT and what happens? They fucking ‘ave it away. Bastards. You’re just going to have to keep it all indoors. In fact, you could kill two birds with one stone by using all those Chinese takeaway containers to store your turds where the psuedo-marxist sewage operatives won’t find them! Bloody socalist wankers, trying to redistribute your wealth. It’s your RIGHT to let it accumulate dammit!

Thanks to Matt. These are about AIDS.

Sexual deviations, sex outside the marriage, unprotected sex and reckless blood transfusions enlarge the reach of this disaster. More funds is not the singular magic wand that can arrest this modern plague. Even when the most educated fall prey to the tentacles of this malady, one can well imagine the plight of ignorant fools who easily falter in the heat of the moment. It is a world disaster that overlooks race, religion, colour or creed. A multi-pronged attack is overdue in the now or never.
Aziz Merchant, Fremont, United States

I was quite taken with the idea of “reckless blood transfusions”. I expect they’re performed, just for the hell of it, up a stepladder in a cage full of randy hippos.

Sadly this disaster needs to kill even more and we need a few more massive disasters as well if this planet is to survuive mankind. there are too many of us so we need thinning out. It is either natural disaster or the crusades (christine v muslim) go full scale (not just Iraq) and we wipe loads of us out and include china & india in this too. Sad but true
Mad Max 4, St Annes

Poor Christine.

It is a disaster which is a shame because it all could have been prevented 25 years ago. Our governments knew and tracked the small group of promiscuous people who first began spreading the disease they contracted from chimpanzee populations in Africa. Had these people been removed from the population countless lives would have been saved. It exposes the failure of indecisiveness and political correctness.
Patricia Henley UK

If only there were more researchers like you working on this. I look forward to seeing your findings published in the “Keith Chegwin Journal Of Immunology & TV Schedules”.

Thanks to Mike for pointing me at this thread over at MEN. It’s a very brief article about Hugh thingamajig who was trying to get Tesco to be nice to chickens. This is a bit like asking a handbag full of icecream to give a lecture on the role of neurotrophic factors in the growth of motor neurons. Even if it was willing, it’s just not equipped to pull it off.

The comments thread seems to have turned into a competition to see who can say the stupidest thing.

And who is going to pay for the difference in price?
alvinlwh

Indeed. Ever since the Universal Declaration of Human Rights we have all been entitled to lumps of vaguely-chicken-like white stuff for under £1 and we’re not about to give that up.

The housewife has a choice either a chicken for Sunday lunch or mash and sausages. It don’t take rocket science to know which one.
S P In exile, Tameside

So how DO you decide without a rocket scientist on hand??

Well i’m NOT gonna change;with the rising cost of food cheap chicken(and not how it was fed/killed/ slaughtered/prepared etc because I DON’T CARE AS DON’T MANY PEOPLE ON BUDGETS)is the ONLY OPTION FOR ME AND I DON’T CARE EITHER.
Anthony, Accrington,Lancashire

I’m all in favour of people like Anthony. As the oil runs out and meat prices continue to soar, idiots like him are going to be fighting over nuggets of tasteless reformed chicken-scrapings, leaving the last few tasty cow arses for the rest of us to gnaw on.

It’s only a chicken for god’s sake who cares how it lived its life?
Not me for sure
We are higher up the evolutionary ladder so we can kill and eat meat, it just a fact of life
Tezza, Tyldesley

Be careful what you wish for.

Thanks to Alex.

The UK will simply change political elite. The undercurrent of hatred, tribalism and conflict caused by cramming far too many people from utterly disparate races, into a small space will continue. We need real change, not more of the same and I’m sorry to say it, but a swing toward the hard right is the answer for this country under the current set of circumstances.
Diesel Dog, United Kingdom

It’s nice that even the most hardened right-winger understands that their position basically boils down to “As long as I’m alright, fuck everyone else”. If only the HYS crew were smart enough to realise that they’re actually “everyone else”.

On “Are your clothes ethically made?”

Go naked!

Julie, Lancashire

On the fourth plinth?

Lets stand there, naked. And then we won’t have to feel guilty about wearing clothes which are made unethically.

Julie, Lancashire

Now does Julie have a serious public nudity agenda, or does she just not want to waste a good joke by only telling it once?

For the fourth plinth:

How about an obese woman wearing nothing but lycra….maybe that will shock some obese people into not wearing lycra which they seem to do with regularity causing many to feel ill.

Tony Caban, United Kingdom

We also need a new Union Jack that says “No Fat Chicks”.

I used to think that, for every debate, ignorant HYSers would decide whether to post a disgusting and ignorant opinion, or to make sure everyone knew that they had absolutely no interest or opinion at all. Congratulations to Peter Allen. He manages to have no opinion and still be a prick.

Are my clothes ethically made?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

Peter Allen

Complaints log again. Thanks!

RADIO 4 - FRONT ROW
“It was disgusting that someone said ’show me yours and I’ll show you mine’, during the programme.”

I bet you had yours out before you remembered that, even if Mark Lawson kept up his half of the bargain, you still wouldn’t be able to see it.

RADIO 4 - AFTERNOON PLAY: BEIJING’S SLOWEST ELEVATOR
“I was unhappy that the play featured China. I believe the Chinese eat dogs and cats and skin them alive for their fur and so the play shouldn’t have mentioned the country for this reason.”

Perhaps, if you close your eyes and rip a few pages out of your atlas, a billion Chinese people will wink out of existence.

RADIO 4 - IN OUR TIME
“I think the presenter should not break the programme into small segments.”

Maybe you could make your own program with NO GAPS AT ALL! Start right now! We’ll tell you when you can stop.

NEWS GENERAL
“I believe the BBC is biased when it comes to reporting on Zimbabwe. Robert Mugabe is constantly attacked, but I believe the BBC is trying to undermine him because of its out of date, colonial attitude.”

RIGHT ON! Let’s march on Broadcasting House!

COLDPLAY AT THE BBC
“I am very annoyed that this concert was funded by the BBC licence fee. It seemed that the main beneficiaries were the BBC staff who were watching from the balcony.”

You’re not the only person with a telly you know. Millions of us really enjoyed it. While you and the poor fuckers on the balcony were listening to their excruciatingly twee GCSE music coursework, we were all in the pub.

WEATHER GENERAL
“I have noticed that parts of Warwickshire are not even covered by the weather map used on the programme. I live in Rugby, and it is nowhere to be seen.”

RADIO 4 - THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
“The programme seemed to advocate homosexual marriage, which many millions would find repellent. I find it comparable to being thumped in the face by a fascist.”

That’s great news for millions of unmarried homosexuals who’d like to thump you in the face.

This is the price you pay for me not having adverts here. I just make up my own.

Check out the awesome majesty of “Theme From Your Face“. You could then pop over to Hand on the Plow and find out good music.

While I’m promoting music, I’ll promote some of my own. Check out Pleated Lemon’s “Surefire Hit” (also on Hand on the Plow). It’s only slightly more SFW than the rest of this site. I mean, it’s safe for MY work obviously but I work in a place where singing about “Cocks and Fannies” is considered eccentric but acceptable.

Anyway, you can definitely still buy a digital release (at iTunes or Bleep if iTunes makes you want to burst your own eyeball in frustration). You can probably find the vinyl release in “Help The Aged” too (or at Boomkat if any of you have a gramaphone). Come on, prove to us that there’s a market for dancing-tramp techno-folk on 12″ vinyl. I know you’re out there. I saw you asleep outside the Co-op once.

While I’m here plugging shit, does anyone want to buy an ancient Peugeot 105 with 130,000 miles or so on the clock and nearly 45 minutes of MOT left?