Credulous Nincompoops and Curtain Twitchers11 Jul 2008 01:42 pm

Introducing Paedos

By Nelson

Thanks to Andy.

Unfortunately our children do not go out on their own anymore. There are a number of pedos in the area that we have been unable to find any details on. Maybe these pedos were introduced to scare us mothers into looking after our kids better.
Densie Satchell, Stevenage

I know exactly how you feel. There are a number of enchanted ducks and fire-breathing cod around here (living off discarded wine gums) but, when I looked on the google internets AND wrote to Esther Rantzen, I found NO DETAILS ABOUT THEM WHATSOEVER. Every time I see a duck (or cod), I have to run around a church widdershins to stop him pulling me down to hell by my winky.

If you love your children at all, you’ll sedate them heavily and keep them in a safety-dungeon.

Oh, and make sure your safety-dungeon has a panic-room, just in case you turn paedo yourself and your kids need to get away from you. TRUST NO-ONE.

36 Responses to “Introducing Paedos”

  1. on 11 Jul 2008 at 2:08 pm   Simon

    poor Densie, she was doomed from the moment her parents first failed to spell Denise.

    if you really loved your children you wouldn’t have brought them into this paedos’ playground called Earth at all.

  2. on 11 Jul 2008 at 2:08 pm   Mike

    I reckon they are introducing secret pedos into an area to keep the numbers of kids down which will keep the numbers of teenagers down and therefore reduce knife crime in the future. Quite brilliant.

    It’s good that she feels she has to be scared into looking after her children though.

  3. on 11 Jul 2008 at 2:13 pm   Anthony

    I’m with Densie. I have just accompanied my wife for her 12 week pregnancy scan, I think the consultant was a pedo - he seemed to linger a long time over Little Anthony’s genital area. The hopsital even had a department for them right next to the ante natal unit, it was full of kids. Is there NOWHERE SAFE for our little ones?

  4. on 11 Jul 2008 at 2:14 pm   Frances

    Pedos (is that some kind of abbreviation for pedometers?) should have some kind of symbol next to their names and addresses in the phonebook to comfort poor Densie.

  5. on 11 Jul 2008 at 2:16 pm   Rich(MMath)(Oxon)

    I managed to get a lot of details about local paedophiles by going on chatrooms posing as an 8 year old girl, and inviting all them all round to dress up barbie dolls.

    I would strongly encourage others to do the same.

  6. on 11 Jul 2008 at 2:17 pm   Han

    I would to hear the inner monologue that eventually led to Densie turning paedo.

  7. on 11 Jul 2008 at 2:25 pm   Sam

    We have a number of pedos in our area too - stomping around at night with their big massive feet, yellow feathers and long necks, staring in our fifth-floor windows and kicking over the bins. The noise they make when foraging for berries is incredible. And the poo can be smelt as far away as Chesterfield. Not nice, I can tell you. Enough to make anyone want to raise their kids properly.

  8. on 11 Jul 2008 at 2:37 pm   pa010

    I could see the News of the World struggling with the 14 year old who won junior Wimbledon “She’s a right smasher!” “hang Paedos!” Hang on? erm.. she’s 14 erm… what’s our view on this?

    So, is it Sarah’s law that makes it essential to have a paedo on every street corner?

  9. on 11 Jul 2008 at 3:20 pm   Setyourfacestostunned

    “Maybe these pedos were introduced to scare us mothers into looking after our kids better.”

    I think that they should introduce muck spreaders to British High Streets in order to make people better at maintaining their personal hygiene.

    Perhaps we should introduce kneecapping to make people nicer to the disabled and infirmed.

  10. on 11 Jul 2008 at 3:29 pm   db

    “Unfortunately our children do not go out on their own anymore.”

    I bet they hate her.

  11. on 11 Jul 2008 at 3:32 pm   fucko the clown

    beware the peado’s in speedo’s

  12. on 11 Jul 2008 at 4:16 pm   alanthehat

    What’s even more tragic is that probably every person poor Densie has ever let inseminate her was probably was a paedophile…

  13. on 11 Jul 2008 at 5:08 pm   Cheesey Monkey

    Of course, “Speedos For Paedos” wold make for a great band name. Not sure about the logo though…

  14. on 11 Jul 2008 at 5:30 pm   Catamite

    I like to find out where the pedalos are living and then I let them bum me for cash to pay for my drugs.

  15. on 11 Jul 2008 at 5:39 pm   Sam

    @ Cheesey Monkey - what about this?

    Disclaimer: I am in no way suggesting that the Hoff actually touches little children in a sexual way. But, let’s face it, he’s really not doing himself any favours here.

  16. on 11 Jul 2008 at 5:42 pm   Far-Q

    Fuck me, invisible pedos. What will the sneaky bastards think of next?

    i vote we just go down to Stevenage and beat up everyone who looks a bit dodgy ‘cos at least one of them’s bound to be a kiddy fiddler, so it all evens out in the end, innit?!?

  17. on 11 Jul 2008 at 5:50 pm   Far-Q

    Aaargh my eyes my eyes make it stop make it stop aaarghhhh……….

    *shudder*

    Sam, a little more warning next time please? I could have been eating.

  18. on 11 Jul 2008 at 6:15 pm   The Paedofinder General

    This is a job for…

    THE PAEDOFINDER GENERAL!!111!

  19. on 11 Jul 2008 at 6:17 pm   Cousin Merl

    Maybe some kind of special introduction agency is called for?

    You know, where the neighbourhood kids and their parents can be introduced to the molesters in a safe and professional environment, and have a chance to really discuss what they want out of a coercive and secretive physical relationship.

  20. on 11 Jul 2008 at 6:27 pm   Anthea Turner

    Haha. Widdershins.

  21. on 11 Jul 2008 at 6:27 pm   Mirth

    Unfortunately I live in Stevenage, and even the 50ft invisible roaming Paedosaurus Rex could not motivate the ubquitous 15 year old mothers that live here into parenting their children.

  22. on 11 Jul 2008 at 6:38 pm   domino

    Fuck me, invisible pedos.

    are you asking, there?

  23. on 11 Jul 2008 at 6:49 pm   Another Paul

    Are invisible paedos worse than visible paedos in invisible speedos?

  24. on 11 Jul 2008 at 7:18 pm   Jordan

    Then what if your kids become paedos? Make some sort of deterrent from themselves? That looks a bit like a cone that a dog has to wear when it has stitches?

  25. on 11 Jul 2008 at 9:14 pm   Far-Q

    are you asking, there?

    Only if you’re offering..

  26. on 11 Jul 2008 at 10:50 pm   an unconcerned mother

    I don’t care how many invisible pedos there are down our way, NOBODY forces me to take care of my kidz

  27. on 12 Jul 2008 at 7:34 am   domino

    Only if you’re offering..

    that depends - a/s/l?

  28. on 12 Jul 2008 at 2:30 pm   arsebanana

    Maybe some kind of special introduction agency is called for?

    It could be speed dating. At the swimming pool. A sort of speed Paedos in Speedos thing.

  29. on 12 Jul 2008 at 4:25 pm   Tom

    She knows they’re guilty because they weigh the same as a duck.

  30. on 12 Jul 2008 at 6:09 pm   DW

    I feel sorry for Densie’s kids, both are prob 17 - 20 years old and thanks to an over protective mother they have to stop in on a Friday and Saturday night while their mates get drunk, do drugs and fuck like rabbits

  31. on 13 Jul 2008 at 9:54 am   jimlad

    Oh God thank you Jesus for that LO fucking L.

    Priceless.

    Ever heard about the Spider-Baby? It’s got the body of a spider, and the mind of a baby.

  32. on 13 Jul 2008 at 1:18 pm   popiella

    how do you know its a baby, do they push it about in a pram or something?

  33. on 13 Jul 2008 at 4:35 pm   Gemma, Manchester

    ‘They’ introduced a Pedo in our area too and never told anyone anything, but I have a little shamanic Mouse that lives behind the Domestos under the sink who told me where the Pedo lived. Luckily I was able to organise a hate campaign and we burned the evil child-rapist’s house down.

    Good job my spirit-mouse sensed he was a Pedo, because he looked just like a normal person in every other respect.

    ‘They’ said he wasn’t a Pedo, but, of course, ‘they’ would say that.

    (Squeak says Gordon Brown is controlled by a secret, all-powerful, Muslim league who pay him to destroy all resistance to a Sharia State. In return they’ll let him have the shape-shifting alien UN Council’s secret for eternal life.)

  34. on 13 Jul 2008 at 9:25 pm   norbert

    Personally I keep my own trained Pedo in the basement. That way at least I know that when my kids get diddled I can be 100% sure of the provenance and proclivities of the person responsible.

  35. on 14 Jul 2008 at 11:26 am   Informer (like Snow)

    We had someone write into work who said that paedos were roaming round her town with diplomatic immunity!

    Whatever next?!?!?!?onehundredandeleven!?

  36. on 14 Jul 2008 at 4:10 pm   Andydrew

    Maybe these pedos were introduced to scare us mothers into looking after our kids better.

    It’s a curious thought process, isn’t it? In order to comprehend something bad, she feels it must exist for a good reason.

    Maybe she thinks terrorists were introduced to scare us into not leaving bags unattended.