Retired Colonels14 Jul 2008 12:18 pm

Carbon Fartprint

By Nelson

RADIO 4 - P.M.
“A journalist described Ana Ivanovic as being ‘lovely’. I think this was inappropriate. It’s sexist and unacceptable from the BBC.”

I just googled her and I have to say that she DOES have a fine ass. She’s probably awful though so I’m upholding your complaint. Heads will roll over this one or else the Queen will refund your licence fee.

RADIO 4 - TODAY PROGRAMME
Re. Bill Gates: “I am disgusted that the BBC doesn’t seem to think one of the responsibilities Bill Gates has is to combat child pornography on the internet. He produced the software and isn’t interested in tackling the problem. This should have been pointed out.”

You can’t hold him responsible for the way people use his software. Just because he personally designed and implemented “Microsoft Kiddieporn Studio 2008 (Express Edition)”, doesn’t mean he endorses the kiddieporn people create with it.

BBC NEWS AT ONE
“It was stated that the Queen costs everyone in Britain 60 pence. I dispute this as the Queen has her own assets and she actually gives money to the country.”

She bought me a cheese and onion pastie worth at least 80p so I’m 20p up this year already.

BBC NEWS CHANNEL
Re. Planned wind mills: “The report was biased in favour of the proposed increase of the number of wind mills in the UK. The report failed to mention the amount of fossil fuels that will be needed to build these wind mills or the size of carbon footprint this would create. Overall it was very one-sided.”

Don’t worry, we can “offset” the footprint by buying a fucking tree or something.

NORTH WEST TONIGHT
“I wish Tony Livesey would shave and smarten up. I don’t see why my licence fee should be used to promote his scruffy image. It makes me switch to ITV.”

Let’s hope you don’t see something completely bollocks on ITV too. You might end up having to turn the thing off! Think how shit that would be, staring at a blank screen for hours every day.

WEATHER
Annoyed that metric measurements are used rather than Imperial. “I feel that the BBC should not use this foreign temperature scale. I have been listening to the BBC since the war and you cannot change the British temperature scale that has been used for close to 300 years.”

It’s good that, as democracy, freedom and hard-won social justices are eroded, our public infrastructre neglected, our planet raped and our taxes siphoned into the pockets of corporate shareholders, there are tweedy, piss-soaked anachronisms like you bleating on about important shit like “foreign temperature scales”. In the years to come, the oppressed people of GREAT BRITAIN will meet in secret, away from the prying eyes of the state, and remember you as “another one of those small-minded shitwanglers who let this happen”.

34 Responses to “Carbon Fartprint”

  1. on 14 Jul 2008 at 12:25 pm   huck

    how about a bumper sticker saying “300 more years”

    i’m pretty sure penny farthings have bumpers

  2. on 14 Jul 2008 at 12:26 pm   Fish

    The Queen has her own assets

    Oo-er, fnar, Mrs., etc.

  3. on 14 Jul 2008 at 12:26 pm   Paul D. Waite

    It’s not just Bill Gates. Digital camera manufacturers, paper factories: child porn is THEIR fault, and they MUST DO SOMETHING about it.

  4. on 14 Jul 2008 at 12:28 pm   Fish

    I’m surprised Sheffield City Council isn’t being sued for the current craze for “KNIFE SHOCK HORROR” stories.

  5. on 14 Jul 2008 at 12:31 pm   C4RO

    In the theme of offsets and such. May I recommend the following guilt removal tool.

    http://www.cheatneutral.com/

  6. on 14 Jul 2008 at 12:31 pm   James from not Sussex

    I’d love to see Clarkson start describing “torques” in metric measurements. Because that’s Newton metres. So these Bufton Tuftons would enter some kind of neural loop where Newton is both a GREAT BRITISH HERO and also FUCKING EUROPEAN PROPAGANDA.

    With luck, they’d have aneurysms.

  7. on 14 Jul 2008 at 12:36 pm   skunkpussy

    …one of the responsibilities Bill Gates has is to combat child pornography on the internet..

    Bollocks! Everybody knows that paedos are Mac users.

    I bet this was Steve Jobs phoning in to spread a bit of FUD.

  8. on 14 Jul 2008 at 12:37 pm   Ben

    I am annoyed at the amount of complaint-spam about the units of temperature used in the weather forecast, but you don’t hear me complaining about it.

  9. on 14 Jul 2008 at 12:39 pm   Ben

    We can offset by buying a fucking tree? Is that some sort of wooden paedophile?

  10. on 14 Jul 2008 at 1:30 pm   QuestionThat

    “The report was biased in favour of the proposed increase of the number of wind mills in the UK. The report failed to mention the amount of fossil fuels that will be needed to build these wind mills or the size of carbon footprint this would create. Overall it was very one-sided.”

    Actually I agree with this one. What’s funny about this? Wind-power is a scam.

  11. on 14 Jul 2008 at 1:35 pm   Em

    The CheatNeutral site, on the other hand, is *

    First you should look at ways of reducing your cheating. Once you’ve done this you can use Cheatneutral to offset the remaining, unavoidable cheating

  12. on 14 Jul 2008 at 1:37 pm   Brian Snail

    It was stated that the Queen costs everyone in Britain 60 pence.

    S’right. Try not paying it and an equery’ll come round and set about your car windows with a mitre. If you still feel like not paying the Queen her 60p just try saying, “Oh Yeah? You and whose army?” and see what happens, but I warn you, Chieftain tanks make one hell of a mess of your lawn.

  13. on 14 Jul 2008 at 1:51 pm   arsebanana

    Everybody knows that paedos are Mac users.
    I find this offensive - I am a mac user and … oh right scrub that.

  14. on 14 Jul 2008 at 1:55 pm   Rich(MMath)(Oxon)

    I always nip to the barbers to get my short back and sides neatened up, go home and shave before putting on my sunday best and singing the national anthem whenever I turn the tv on.

    I fully expect Tony Livesey to do the same.

  15. on 14 Jul 2008 at 1:57 pm   philbert

    According to wikipedia, Daniel Fahrenheit (of the eponymous “British” temperature scale) was born in Gdansk. Which part of Britain is Gdansk in, exactly? Is it the big Poland-shaped part of Britain hundreds of miles to the East, perhaps?

    By contrast, Anders Celsius was from Sweden, and hence a comparative local, although if we want to be really patriotic we should adopt the Kelvin scale, and Lord Kelvin was, you know, actually British.

    /rant

  16. on 14 Jul 2008 at 2:10 pm   Haviland

    Excellent idea, philbert.

    It’d be a nice 290 degress today.

    And they say that global warming’s a myth.

  17. on 14 Jul 2008 at 2:11 pm   Nelson

    Actually I agree with this one. What’s funny about this? Wind-power is a scam.

    Would you like me to send you an “I Don’t Get It” badge? You could just wear it at all times instead of having to let everyone know every time you don’t get it.

  18. on 14 Jul 2008 at 2:13 pm   Pedant

    Could I perhaps suggest the Rankine scale? British AND incrementally the same as Fahrenheit.

  19. on 14 Jul 2008 at 2:16 pm   Nelson

    I always nip to the barbers to get my short back and sides neatened up, go home and shave before putting on my sunday best and singing the national anthem whenever I turn the tv on.

    I fully expect Tony Livesey to do the same.

    I just ran through a sequence of events in my head where I mailed back the person who kindly sent me the complaints log, saying “Actually, I agree about Tony Livesey. What’s funny about this? He is actually quite scruffy”. It ended, somewhat unrealistically, with me realising that I’m a dick.

  20. on 14 Jul 2008 at 2:40 pm   Coach

    That muppet (I assume it’s the same one?) probably only keeps banging on about Imperial measurement ‘cos he’s got 12 toes and 14 fingers.

  21. on 14 Jul 2008 at 3:05 pm   McGazz

    To be fair, Tony Livesey is scruffy. And a cock.

  22. on 14 Jul 2008 at 3:34 pm   Plugged_In

    Rankine Scale… excellent idea. FYI Haviland, that would make it 748.8 Re… now thats HOT.

  23. on 14 Jul 2008 at 3:36 pm   philbert

    On second thoughts, perhaps Kelvin wasn’t British enough, since he was born in Norn Iron and ended up in Glasgow. Why won’t an English person invent a temperature scale? Why? WHY?

  24. on 14 Jul 2008 at 3:50 pm   QuestionThat

    Yeah, e-mail it to ‘questionthatblog@gmail.com’

  25. on 14 Jul 2008 at 4:04 pm   Mr Cat

    Is that windmill bloke likely to be the same one featured on here awhile ago?

    The one who complained on every thread in every paper about wind power, even where there was no reference to the subject in the topic.

    Then it emerged they were building one near his home town or something.

    The comment about the queen is surely some sort of genius

  26. on 14 Jul 2008 at 4:37 pm   Gin'll Fix It

    “I have been listening to the BBC since the war and you cannot change the British temperature scale that has been used for close to 300 years”

    During exactly which war 300 years ago was the BBC broadcasting?

  27. on 14 Jul 2008 at 4:37 pm   Paul

    I have invented a new temperature scale. It is called the Hysersarecocks scale. It runs from 0 to whatthefuckareyouonabout. I am British, and pay my TV licence. I demand the BBC start using it now. END OF!

    As for the Queen costing everyone 60p, I think thats a bargin. All clubing together like that seems to work. A fine woman like that would cost at least £100/hour where I come from.

    And finaly on to Bill Gates. What about makers of macs (the coats, not the computors). Why are they not offering to share the cost?

  28. on 14 Jul 2008 at 5:14 pm   Duds

    When did the BBC start using Celsius? My surprise is not that these people exist, but that it apparently took them 20 years to notice.

  29. on 14 Jul 2008 at 7:50 pm   not that i pay a license fee or have a tv anyway

    I’ve noticed that apart from tony livesey (whoever he is) bbc presenters are smartly dressed and elegantly coiffured.I hope my license fee is not paying for them to tart themselves up like this.

  30. on 14 Jul 2008 at 8:18 pm   immigrant/benefit scrounger/generic dago type

    I’m sure this has been pointed out before, but if you people like the metric system so much, why don’t you go live there?

  31. on 14 Jul 2008 at 8:20 pm   Dave from Bristol, UK (not not Europe)

    I bet the person objecting to Ana Ivanovic being called “lovely” goes to Father Ted-style Lovely Girls contests. Hypocrite.

  32. on 15 Jul 2008 at 4:40 am   Nicky

    I like to think these complaints about Celcius instead of Farenheit come from the same old fart ringing in every day. Every day! Imagine the apoplexy if just once they did it in farenheit instead.

  33. on 15 Jul 2008 at 9:33 am   Mr Ed

    Clarkson did use torques the other week, and it was about a Bentley. Which we’ve sold to the Germans. Head’s must’ve popped all over the home counties

  34. on 15 Jul 2008 at 1:41 pm   From Nelson, not Nelson

    Tony is from Nelson in Lancashire. I can assure you that he is a veritable fop compared to the toothless inbreds in that town.