Thanks to Steven. This is from a Times Online article that I’m not going to even attempt to read because it will make me angry.
I wrote a book 11 years ago for a woman I once loved. I never published it then because I thought it might get me killed.
Now I think the world might be ready for it.
So yes the world has changed radically.
From monotheistic to multicultural. On an emotional level.
Believe it. It’s true.
Rhys Jaggar, Leeds, UK
Maybe. Though perhaps you should leave it for another 11 years. Fuck it, make it 50 years just in case… um… well, just in case it’s shit. I’m not saying it is shit but, you know, there’s always that risk. You know the story: You write a novel, think you’re fucking brilliant, but then it turns out that you’re a penis. Then you spend a couple of years raging against the world, drinking, gambling, alienating everyone you know and insisting that you’re ahead of your time. By now, you’re not only a penis, you’re a fat, alcoholic penis with no mates. I wouldn’t want you to go through that right now. Best hold off on the publication. I mean, I’m not saying that would happen to you but just in case, yeah? Yeah.
Perhaps in the meantime you can release that song you’ve been working on? The one you didn’t dare release in January in case it blew somebody’s mind? Yeah.
I foolishly DID read that article, by a former adviser to John Major, apparently, and you were quite right, it’s shit.
I’m not going to bother reading the article either as I am pretty sure it won’t make Rhys look any less of a cock.
Who the fuck could he posssibly have been in love with that might have resulted in his murder?
The daughter of some evil Russian mafia boss?
Saddam Husseins wife?
Or perhaps just the sister of the really scary bloke in the pub who has threatened to punch his lights out on several occasions and has that vicious looking dog?
Perhaps he should have got it published earlier and saved himself the embarrasment of having to write that post.
I got as far as “The social psychology revolution is” and realised it was shit, and reading any further would be a waste of my life.
Funnily enough that was exactly how far I got.
I read it. I think he’s proposing Freakonomics For Tories. What that has to do with The Novel So Good It Would Murder Rhys, I cannot fucking imagine.
Clearly this is one of Diana’s many lovers, talking about his much-rumoured book, ‘Hot Anal Princess’
@ Jon.
I always thought Diana was a back door babe.
Jon: From my own personal experience, The Princess of All Our Hearts was not fussy about the choice of orifice.
Hence my forthcoming work “Airtight Di”
Well, I did read (some) of the article and he’s right. “If everybody thinks that everybody else is getting fat, then more people will put on weight.”
When I go out at lunchtimes and see gross slobs gorging on junk food I can feel my waistline expanding. This week alone I’ve put on 20 Kgs and developed an addiction to massive crap burgers.
“I wrote a book 11 years ago for a woman I once loved”
Should have made her write it herself, lazy cow.
Rhys probably thought Daniel Finkelstein would make him look modest, unassuming and generally less of a badger’s banjo string.
“But at the time it was a considerable intellectual achievement for a politician of the Left”…
He was wrong though.
Sorry Rhys, remind me at which point in history was the world ‘monotheistic’, emotionally or otherwise?
Or by the world, do you mean Leeds? And by Leeds, do you mean your parents’ loft conversion (insulated against the elements with an abundance of crusty socks)?
It was Myra Hindley wasn’t it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzJRrQpmdp4
“I wrote a book 11 years ago for a woman I once loved. I never published it then because I thought it might get me killed.”
just cos 11 years have past, doesn’t mean your mates won’t still kill you for shagging a lady boy.
I’m putting together a script based on the life of Diana. Called “Princess of Nails”, the six-part docu-drama will reveal for the first time that by day a mild-mannered and dim princess, Diana was an international crime-fighting ninja by night, with a personal bodycount of well over 300.
However, such an extreme lifestyle was to manifest itself in ever increasing deparvity in her private life, so much so that she could only achieve orgasm when donkey-punched by salad-tossing jodhpur-clad stable-boys called Tarquin whilst two horses looked on.
The series will build up to the climax on the sixth and final episode, where for the first time it is revealled that Diana was murdered by a conspiracy involving MFI, Ben Dover, the Rice Krispie midgets and the Daily Express.
Casting is well underway and I can exclusively reveal that Ray Winstone will feature as Mohammed al-Fayed, Dirk Bennedict as Tony Blair and the role of Diana herself will be played by dead-eyed, feature free talent-vacuum Jaime Murray.
The series will premier on BBC 4 in Autumn 2009.
Perhaps the woman in Mr Jagger’s life is Mrs Palmer.
Not the worst comment though. Emma Whipday needs a slapping.
‘I never published it then because I thought it might get me killed.’
..or perhaps it’s unrelenting bollocks that noone will touch? Also, if the grammar is anything like your post I may have to invest in a new red biro.
You probably hid in her attic, followed her around for months until she got the Restraining Order. She was then forced to change her identity and appearance and move to Bradford because of your unwanted attentions. Your wall is probably decorated with photograpghs of her some of which have strange stains…
I quite like the comments on the Times Online, they’re just as bonkers as the ones on the BBC, but with (mostly) correct spelling and some idea of grammar.
Much of the outrage generated by the recent “I slept with my brother” story was hilarious.
Woman. I love you. But your mimsy smells of rotten fish and you scare the living fuck out of me when you’re up on bricks.
THE END
“I wrote a book 11 years ago for a woman I once loved. I never published it then because I thought it might get me killed.”
It probably would have done - it probably still will do.
I can just see you fleeing in fear from a baying mob wanting to beat you to death with copies of your “masterpiece” for being the cum-stained wank-rag you obviously are.
“I wrote a book 11 years ago for a woman I once loved. I never published it then because I thought it might get me killed.”
Translation:
It’s never puzzzled anyone else, you semi-literate saloon-bar nazi.
Puzzzled?
I should be muzzzled.
Time for a strong drink.
“I wrote a book 11 years ago for a woman I once loved. I never published it then because I thought it might get me killed.”
Translation: I wrote three sides of A4 about the woman across the road I watch in the shower using my telescope. I never showed it to anyone because then they will see that I’m a perv.
Is he worried about a fatwa? Well if they didn’t get Salman Rushdie then they won’t get Rhys Jagger. It wouldn’t be worth the bother. That’s probably his pen-name, anyway.
I wrote a letter once to a woman I “loved”. I wish I’d left that unpublished for 11 years…
“I wrote a book 11 years ago for a woman I once loved. I never published it then because I thought it might get me killed.”
Perhaps it was his sister - and the reason he didn’t publish it is because his father would’ve beaten him to death with his own scrotum.
Wonder what colour crayon it was written in…?
Nah, if she’s that unfussy the last thing she would have been was airtight.
Google reveals that everyone’s cruel, cruel speculations about Rhys are, well, entirely correct.
In responsible to some Bridget Jones style dreck from Times Online:
“I’ve done the hiding in the apartment bit.
It makes you fat, ugly, depressed and lonely.
Try doing what makes you happy, in a place you enjoy, with people you respect.
I suspect you’re already doing that. Which is why you don’t need an escape fantasy.
You need a man fantasy! Don’t you??
Rhys Jaggar, Leeds, UK”
I think it is the second question-mark that moves Rhys from the “sad lonely man” category into the “sad lonely man looking through your window while furiously masturbating into a gardening glove he found in your shed” category.
I read the article, and just for good measure, I looked at his picture (just to the right hand side of the article).
He looks every inch the kind of shit-muncher who I wouldn’t piss on to stop them burning.
Dammit, that Times article completely misunderstands the science. Grr.
For what it’s worth, you don’t “inherit behavioural characteristics” you inherit the small sub-cellular changes caused by aspects of your ancestors’ behaviour. It does give you a slight genetic predetermination to behave that way, but it can be easily overridden by any other element that might affect your behaviour. He makes it sound like an absolute inheritance, like hair colour or something, which it isn’t.
I guess it’s not that far off, but it’s gotten irritatingly garbled and the fact that it’s being waved about triumphantly as a weapon by people who don’t know what they’re talking about just drives me up the wall. Anyway, pedantic rant over.
Broadsheet newspaper misunderstanding science? The shock has literally knocked me off my chair.