If someone told you to try “The Amazing Hydration Diet” what would you think? What about if your friend Jeffrey Adamson told you he was changing his name to “The Amazing Jeffrey Adamson”. Yeah. Me too.
Thanks to Jamie for pointing me at the comments for this article.
I have been on a detox diet and it was excellent. I’ve also drunk over 5 litres of water a day for a sustained period. But you are supposed to balance your water and salt intake as both are vital to health. Detox diets are powerful and need to be undertaken with care. But I don’t believe there is anything wrong with the idea that you should flush excess toxins from your system.
Robert, London
How could there be anything wrong with flushing toxins eh? They’re TOXINS. WAKE UP PEOPLE.
Having said this, the detox diet is very time consuming. You’re (literally) pissing away hours and days of your life that could be spent doing something useful like building a pyramid for travelling in time or a talisman for warding off Janet Street-Porter. Want to carry on flushing those toxins without all that time-consuming dieting and drinking? Sign up to my “Amazing 30,000 PSI Colonic Rocketwash” and flush out ALL your toxins (and probably a few other things) in just 1 minute! You might as well. It’s £9,995 a pop but if you don’t spend it with me, you’ll only end up giving it to some twat pretending to be a fucking wizard or something.
24 Responses to “Amazing”
As any fule kno, you can’t pressurise water, not even to 30,000 PSI.
Are you using air instead.
Obviously a question mark should have appeared at the end of that last comment.
Please use this spare one: ?
Er, you can’t really compress water, but you can sure as hell pressurise it. Just ask anyone who has ever been to the bottom of the sea.
(Obviously I don’t condone allowing people from the bottom of the sea into the country, bloody Mer-men, taking our indigenous jobs, swanning around as if they own the place etc etc etc)
I’ve got a couple of slightly shop soiled umlauts you could use if you’re short on question marks. And I’m sure there’s one of them funny furrin’ upside downey question marks at the back of that cupboard under the kitchen sink; we brought it home from Barcelona one year. You could have that if you want.
Robert is quite clearly an asshat. The world seems to be full of credulous asshats at the moment. That’s the only way I can successfully explain away Gillian McKeith.
I share an office with two such asshats. They’re always trying to tell me that magnets, high strength vitamins or dried chinese monkey testicles are the cure to every known medical complaint experienced in the history of mankind. They also cheerily inform me that scientists wrongly dismiss these miracle cures because they don’t know what they’re talking about or it’s a global boffin conspiracy to keep big pharma in the money; or somesuch.
They’re always on detox this or macrobiotic that - even they wouldn’t touch this one though. They both tell me they lead a “chemical free” lifestyle.
Last time I checked H20 was a chemical so they better steer clear of Robert’s suggestion. I’ve looked at some books once - so I must be right. Apparently Air is a chemical too - so when they finally make it to the office this morning I shall stick a plastic bag over their heads to prevent this evil chemical violating their bodies. I shall call it the Thaumaturgical Detoxificationising Treatment (TM)(R).
Perhaps Robert would be interested in it?
What’s this pseudo-intellectual-marxist-immigrant-bumwash? If I want to drink 5 litres of water a day, I will. Especially if the zaNU-LaBORES say I shouldn’t. Take THAT system.
Yeah.
Another from the same thread:
“…it also broke my previously bad food addictions - tea, coffee, cola. I’ve gone back now 7 times in 5 years.”
That’s that addiction broken then.
I once sat through a whole afternoon of a “company day-out” being forced to listen to some idiot colleague relentlessly trying to persuade me that his new GOLD solution was just the ticket. Yes, the fucking twat was DRINKING GOLD. Apparently it could cure pretty much anything I was able to come up with, warts, common cold, alleries, cancer of the arse, the lot. And no matter what arguments I was able to offer (having a chemistry PhD allowed me to come up with one or two) he just kept refering to himself and saying “you can’t argue with the evidence mate, I feel grrrrreat”.
I said “Yes I can, because you are a scabies ridden giraffe minge”.
I changed jobs shortly afterwards.
“Last time I checked H20 was a chemical”
Careful with that ‘water’ stuff, it’s dangerous. It’s really Di-Hydro Monoxide which can be lethal in even small quantities.
http://www.petitiononline.com/BanDHM/petition.html
According to those eggheads at NASA, as long as you balance out your water and salt ratio you’re alright. So you can drink as much as you like, provided it contains salt.
Welcome to the juice-from-a-Pot-Noodle detox.
That made me laugh out loud, and I’m a right miserable twat. Well done.
I’m on a gin diet and I’ve lost three days already!
(Apologies!)
A talisman for warding off Janet Street-Porter? Is THAT what the Fantastic Mr Cheezes was for?
Take your science and go somewhere else! The Amazing 30,000 PSI Colonic Rocketwash WORKS and I’m living proof! The FACT is that you CAN put water under pressure - I put my foo-foo under so much PRESSURE it made my eyes WATER, which is proof. And now, I feel GREAT!
Colonel Colon, I shall be forever in your debt for highlighting the dangers of Di-Hydro Monoxide. From lunch I shall be replacing all of mine with CH3CH2OH.
I love it when people claim to be ‘addicted’ to tea or coffee. It puts all that nancy-boy shite like meth and crack in their place, doesn’t it?
I’m very sensitive about my tea addiction, thank you very much.
I’m also addicted to nice food, moderate exercise, and wearing socks.
It’s plagued me for most of my life.
Why didn’t they just call it the “Leah Betts Diet”?
How dare you sir! Take that calumny back. I AM addicted to tea. I have mug of it every fifteen minutes throughout the day*
Tea addiction is a serious blight on our society. It’s more widespread in use than Meth and Crack and deemed more socially acceptable. So it’s a worse problem. Even the Church of England drink the stuff. It’s peddled by furriners like the Reds in China and in them countries what send all them immigrants to bastions of upstanding Englishness like Leicester and Tower Hamlets and Salford.
Through this evil trade we’re contributing to the economies of these furrin places and it’s probably funding terrorism and immigration, or something like that.
It’s probably responsible for huge swathes of crime in Ingerlund. Serious stuff like knifecrimes, falling property prices and being Muslim without due care and attention. The sooner we remove this dangerous drug from the streets the better.
My Shatner’s Bassoon is completely screwed from taking this stuff. It’s dangerous - just like that Di-Hydro Monoxide. I demand that we form a campaign to ensure that this so-called government does something about this vile drug. Drinking just over a gallon of water a day, (none of that furrin metric stuff here thank-you!,) it the least we can do to combat this evil menace.
*Admittedly I do drink REALLY strong Assam with milk and two teaspoons of china-white.
@ Briantist
You’re sick…
I like that in a person.
It would seem I’ve been going about it the wrong way, all these years filling my body with toxins rather than flushing them away.
No wonder I’m fucked.
Ignorant stupid fuckwits who go on ‘detox’ diets have the educational equivalence of an Amoeba with learning difficulties. While the human body is by no means perfect it does have a pretty good detoxification system of its own, comprising two fucking kidney’s and a great big cunting liver. People who go on these diets are so gullible and trusting they make the Dodo look paranoid. I do recommend Goldwasser as an after dinner liquer though, its fucking strong.
Mr O
“you can’t argue with the evidence mate, I feel grrrrreat”.
Your colleague, Tony the Tiger, was clearly an idiot and you rightly moved jobs.
One particularly simian faced colleague of mine insists that “he’d rather have a bowl of Coco Pops” every morning. I too am job hunting.
@ Simon
LAWL!
Setyourface: Like the name - might nick that one………
Anyone of working age that eats coco pops ought to be shot. Perhaps you should go postal rather than changing jobs. Bit harsh I admit but with a certain amount of thought (and quality malt whisky) it makes perfect sense.