Maggie Jones, bless her, tries so hard with the iylismwdyglt’s:
I’d rather live in a decent city like Cairo where you don’t get knifed and people are polite
than live in this expensive, dangerous London.
Ibrahim, LondonYour having a larf ! I’ve been to Cairo, and one thing it is not is decent. People harass you, pickpocketing, begging is rife, filth, smells, anti-westerners……..Ibrahim my friend, there are many airports here in the UK most fly to Cairo, off you go son, no-one is stopping you !
Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom
But sometimes she doesn’t quite pull it off:
The Western invaded Muslim countries! There’s not 1 Muslim country that’s not been either intellectually or physically invaded by the West - We don’t want Western style democracy in our lands, we don’t want your troops in our lands, the sooner you move out of our lands I for one will be happy to go!
Mohammed, LondonNot to mention all those Muslim countries that have been invaded by brother Muslims, Iraq/Iran, Iraq/ Kuwait, the list goes on, and so should you!
Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom
She also sometimes gets confused about what she thinks:
I wonder how many of us would eat meat if we had to kill it & prepare it ourselves. I reckon that 95% of the country would go vegetarian.
Chickens are reared in appalling conditions and suffer a horrendous death just to go on our plate.They feel pain just like us, and their little short lived lives are worth just a couple of quid, Tesco’s have done themselves no favours here.
Yes I eat meat & so does my husband, but humanity does not exist where there is a profit to be made.
Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom
I just wish she could control these FUCKING MOOD SWINGS!
People are sick of war, too much indiscriminate loss of life, being in Jerusalem you more than anyone should be in favour of talks.
Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom
I very often make bread & butter pudding with my stale bread, it was what my lovely Mum taught me, she taught me to never waste food, so what happens when my niece and friends came the other day looked at my bread & butter pudding and said Yuk !!
After I finally persuaded them to try it, within 5 minutes the dish was scraped clean, and to top it all my niece asked me for the recipe. It all comes down to education at the end of the day.
Its amazing what dishes you can prepare with left-overs.
Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom
If these thugs persist in carrying knives to use in gang fights etc: and their desire is to kill & inflict pain on innocents, may I suggest they go to the front line in Afghanistan & Iraq, to get rid of their venom & anger.
When faced with their own possible death, they might know how it feels to be on the receiving end of madmen who would quite happily behead them or blow them up, fear works wonders for bullies & thugs ! Make it compulsory.
Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom
Bring back the Death Penalty, abolish the PC brigade. Cut out all the luxuries of prison, give these thugs the rope, end of story !!
Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom
But she makes up for all that with an edgy sense of humour. Ask her about binge-drinking, go on, ask her.
It all started with Jesus, turning that water into wine !
(Relax I’m Christian)
Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom
I actually visibly relaxed on reading that. After the shocker of the previous line, I was sat tense, hunched up in my seat, wondering what kind of imbecile could make a statement as moronic as the one above.
Then I realised. A christian.
aaaaaahhhh
Bet they won’t print this
But I really can’t relax…after reading all that my hair’s falling out and my skin is coming off in thick clumps.
What a fucking turd-biscuit.
She is truly the fount of all knowledge. It was famously said that there is no royal road to wisdom, but having read the above, I now know better. Merely by reading the above excerpts, I feel truly enlightened as to the essential nature of things. Especially Bread-and-Butter pudding.
holy shit! this woman has posted like 6 times on the same thread!! saying fucking exactly the same thing each time.
where do these people find time to eat and wash themselves?
‘Relax I’m Christian’
You fucking would be, wouldn’t you, Maggie? How else would you be so ready with a string of uninformed, half-baked convictions?
You are the twat of a syphilitc baboon.
If I didnt know better i would say you actually made Maggie up. She really is the perfect HYS enthusiast.
A genuine IYLISMWDYGLT - tick
Complete ignorance of Islamic or other cultures - tick
Contradictory and hypocritical beliefs - tick
Condescending attitude especially toward non Brits - tick
Pointless and boring storytelling - tick
In favour of national service & death penalty - tick
Belief that there actually IS a PC brigade - tick
A Christian, allegedly……
If anyone can find a mention to Gordon Clown or ZaNuLiarBore from her, she could be crowned as HYS monarch….They’d love that. Their own royalty.
You’ve got to admit, that there has to be something in the fact that the first recorded miracle of Jesus was to turn water into wine to keep the party going - now that’s a religion I could get involved with, it’s just a shame about all the other stuff…
Kudos for the Spaced reference.
Spotted.
kill & inflict pain
…in Afghanistan & Iraq
…venom & anger
…bullies & thugs
Somebody has found the ampersand - what a timesaver!
Just what Jesus would do!
I hate this argument. It’s like saying “How many of us would watch television if we had to construct the cathode ray tube ourselves?”
I’d love to rear chickens in my flat, and slaughter them when I fancy a roast dinner, but the landlord won’t let me.
I realise that everything else she says is bollocks too, but I’m sick of hearing this particular comment.
Personally I’m quite happy to eat what I kill. Had to move out of Norwich though.
I’m so so sorry everyone, but I have this stuck in my head:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFOY4qvK618
Yeah. It’s not like any kids are carrying knives because they’re afraid of being stabbed.
I wonder how many of us would eat meat if we had to kill it & prepare it ourselves. I reckon that 95% of the country would go vegetarian when faced with their own possible death. They might know how it feels to be on the receiving end of madwomen who want to chop them up and pop them in a preheated oven (gas mark 7, 250 degrees FAHRENHEIT) for 30 minutes until golden clown on the outside.
I think I like the “If these thugs persist in carrying knives…” one best. I can’t decide which is most annoying:
- her inability to use punctuation properly (”to use in gang fights etc: and their desire is”)
- her garbled syntax (”to be on the receiving end of madmen”)
- or her touching conviction that only Muslim soldiers would “quite happily” behead people or blow them up. The occupying forces always stick to the military equivalent of Queensberry Rules, as any fule kno.
‘Golden clown’ is the best thing I’ve ever heard.
I’m confused - is she Maggie Jones, or Christian? Tell me!
I think her focus slips a little on the classic HYS post-closers, denying her a place amongst the true HYS cream-de-la-cream (I think that was one of AtomJohn’s). If only she’d paid attention and finished with “End of!” rather than the needlessly wordy “End of story”, then she’d be right up there. “Simple as!” would have been even better, but I want the moon on a stick, I do.
Wasn’t this Jimmy Swaggart’s way of persuading Louisiana prostitutes into anal sex?
Maggie, if you’re reading this, don’t worry. I like your views and am looking to move to Cheltenham!
Whilst I may be posting on SYB..
Relax, I’m a Muslim.
I wouldn’t eat meat if I had to kill it myself. But I wouldn’t eat vegetables if I had to grow them myself. What’s your point?
I think Half Man Half Biscuit said it best:
“A woman who described herself as “A little bit Bridget, a little bit Ally, a little bit Sex In The City” and chose to call her baby boy Fred as a childishly rebellious attempt at a clever reaction to those who might have expected her to call him Julian or Rupert. Bit of advice: call him Rupert, it fits, and besides it’s a good name. Don’t be calling him Fred or Archie, with all its cheeky but lovable working class scamp connotations, unless you really do have plans for him to spend his life in William Hill’s waiting for them to weigh in at Newton Abbott”
Beautiful
She flies like a bird and I wish that she was mine.
Breaking news - Spotted. Wrong thread though
“Yes I eat meat & so does my husband”
Bet she doesn’t eat her husband’s meat though.
“too much indiscriminate loss of life”
Yeah - not as much fun as more discriminating loss of life!
“If these thugs persist in carrying knives… may I suggest they go to the front line in Afghanistan & Iraq”
Because if there’s one thing that’ll defeat a well-armed, highly-trained guerrila army it’s a bunch of semi-literate, fuck-witted teenagers with pointy bits of metal!
“fear works wonders for bullies & thugs ! Make it compulsory.”
Yeah! Compulsory fear! Let’s scare the shit out of everybody all the time! It worked in Stalin’s Russia! (she’s obviously one of those badger-loving Commie-Christians)
“How did you do, what you did” - pure fucking quality! Like she has any clue. Has she been knocking back the Chateau Sainsburys in warm up for her Palace invitation?
Hhhow did yoow dooo (hic) hwhat yoow did, Isenbard, brrrupp. Hexscuse Me.
Is that like the Boys’ Brigade? How much are subs?
I loved
It’s like she doesn’t know “the PC brigade” is (what passes for) a figure of speech. I bet she thinks it’s an actual organisation.
“Is that like the Boys’ Brigade? How much are subs?”
The subs are quite cheap - it’s the doms you have to pay top dollar for.
I think it’d need to be a very long night of conversation in Maggie’s case. Because she’s thick, see.
I’m assuming the thread specified that it could be any historical person as well as alive people and that Maggie hasn’t just decided that the theme includes digging dead people up. Because that’d be a bit wrong. Maybe it’s not so bad if you get them shrink-wrapped from Tesco. Except that it’s actually still really bad. But she still does it. Oh the humanity. Or something.
I’m confused now.
Let’s nuke every undeserving chav and tea-towel head from here to FUCKING Timbuktu!!!!
(Relax I’m Christian)
People from Cheltenham should be ritually disembowelled on copies of ‘Horse and House’ and ‘The Lady’ whilst whistling the Iraqi national anthem and screaming “CELSIUS” at a suitably orgasmic level.
Relax, I’m working class, pet.
I was enjoying her witterings until I came across this:
So am I. But now I feel soiled …
You missed this zinger from “Is there life on Mars?”
Ho ho ho ho. Lol. One.
Back before I was introduced to the subtle pleasures of marital bliss, the only reason I’d invite members of the opposite sex round to a party would be to try and get-off with them.
That said, I’m Maggie would get on well with King-Of-The-Apes - especially seeing as the other three in her top-five potential guests were Scooby-Doo, Mr Ed and Shep.
“It’s not like any kids are carrying knives because they’re afraid of being stabbed.”
It’s very kind of those kids to carry a spare knife in case their attackers have forgotten to bring one of their own.
How am I supposed to kill these chicken if I don’t carry a fuck-off big knife. TELL ME!
Relax,I’m a psychopath.
Relax…I’m a Christian
Hilarious sitcom starring uptight housewife Maggie Jones, crusader against muslims, political correctness, communism and the concepts of love and happiness.
I am now reasonably sure that when I look into the abyss that Maggie is the one looking back.
Now push back like your taking a dump.
That’s right,
Relax, I am a sodomist.
Bum sex is no luxury in prison, well maybe to the giver but not to the reciever
I thought the British army was a bunch of semi-literate, fuck-witted teenagers with pointy bits of metal? Have you ever been to Catterick?
“I thought the British army was a bunch of semi-literate, fuck-witted teenagers with pointy bits of metal? Have you ever been to Catterick?”
Complete balderdash!
Our brave boys are plucky lads with no time for any of that “reading” nonsense because they’re too busy square-bashing and training to kill a thousand fuzzy-wuzzies armed only with a blunt spoon and a copy of Nuts (or possibly Zoo) - cruelly betrayed by Gutless Clown’s Nu-Liar-Bore Government which sends them charging like heroic lions into battle without any body armour, vehicles or ammunition because they’d rather sell all the decent weapons to Saudi Arabia or one of those other brown countries in return for some massive backhanders!
It’s political correctness gone mad I tell you!
And if you like Catterick so much why don’t you go live there!!!???
END OF!!!!!!!!!1
*sniff* lions led by bleedin’ donkeys, so they are. *sniff* Lions! Everyone one of them’s a solid gold hero. They’d all die for the Queen like That without a second thought, I tell you, like THAT. Remember Rourke’s Drift? Bloody Marvellous. 144 Tommies killed 50,000 Zulus while singing the Dambusters. *sniff* Makes you proud.
Pint of Heineken, Love.
Jesus liked to take deliveries through the back door.
(Relax I’m Christian)
Mary was a slut
(Relax I’m God)
“Relax I’m a Christian
When you want to go to it
Relax I’m a Christian
When you want to come
Relax I’m a Christian
When you want to come
When you want to come
Hey-Prey”
perhaps
“Bum sex is no luxury in prison, well maybe to the giver but not to the reciever”
That’s easily the funniest thing I’ve read on here, treat yourself to an extra wank today.
Maggie is a Dick
Relax, I’m a bitch