spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Jez for this one from a thread about the “special” relationship.

The UK will need the US again when multicultural Europe fragments, becoming balkanized in the same way that Yugoslavia fragmented, and for similar reasons. We are facing a clash of ideologies in Europe (multiculturalism v the ideology of Islam), which many people believe will end in civil war, just as it did in British India and many other such places when people tried to mix the belief systems in a multicultural utopia. When will people learn the lessons of history?
English Citizen

It might be more pertinent for you to ask “Why don’t I know anything about history?”. And the answer is that your knowledge of the world is gained by staring, open-mouthed, at a 3-word headline (preferably alliterating) followed shortly by a calming picture of some tits.

Thanks to Ruaidhri.

I’m a Londoner first and English second. Being English I believe it is most impolite to speak to strangers and as a Londoner, even if I did most people in London don’t speak English. I am polite but curt if someone tries to talk to me, and if a foreigner ask directions I pretend I am not a Londoner. Thankfully this means that I can take my journey to work in peace and not be bothered with meaningless conversation.
Katie True, London

If you REALLY want people to fuck off and leave you alone, letting them get to you know you a bit might be more effective than ignoring them.

Anyone else here a fan of the brilliant Ben Goldacre? I bet this unfortunate brain-damaged woman wishes she was now. But not to fear, some people who started out brain damaged are here to challenge the notion of evidence as we know it.

Yes I detoxed about 5 yrs ago. The side effects were not good. Dizziness, headaches, blurred vision, feeling faint and weak. I had three 4 day sessions every 10 days. I lost a dress size and felt wonderful afterwards. But it is short lived and not worth the expense. Better off re-assessing your lifestyle!!

Kim, Lichfield, Staffordshire

So it’s terrible but great but terrible. Got it.

The detox industry is entirely unregulated. A lot of detoxes don’t work at all. But some certainly do. Like thousands of others I went (abroad) to a spa offering a detox regime of a week of fasting, daily colemas and at the end of the fasting a diet high on fruits and raw vegetables. It did all and more than I hoped – not only did it make me feel better than I had for years, it also broke my previously bad food addictions – tea, coffee, cola. I’ve gone back now 7 times in 5 years. If it hadn’t been very good for me I certainly wouldn’t have gone back again and again.
Bob, London UK

So you have to go abroad in order not to eat junk food? God, the planet really is fucked, isn’t it.

And yes, I looked up colema, and yes, it is just a fancy word for an enema. I don’t know about you but to my mind “a condition requiring your barking spider to be violated by a rubber hose for a week” is pretty much the exact opposite of “good health.” Doing it voluntarily for fun, now that’s fine.

I have recently returned from Thailand having done a 9 day detox diet. It was properly overseen. There was no suggestion of drinking VAST amounts of fluid. There were lots of fruit and vegetable dishes and protein drinks. Yes, it was a little rough for the first few days with headaches etc. But I felt indescribably fantastic and so much better. I lost just over half a stone – which I have kept off. My skin improved and has only now started worsening with the introduction of small amounts of sugar in my diet! At the end of the day, FAD diets don’t work. They are, in my view, dangerous and don’t teach the person to eat a proper, reasonable, balanced diet.

Sally Jenkins, Bedale, North Yorkshire

Yeah, they come off them and start eating sugar and their skin goes all wonky again. And again with flying halfway around the world to eat fruit. Or are you just too embarassed to admit you like a bit of rubber hose backdoor action in the UK?

I started a Lipotrim diet in 1997. It consisted of 3 sachets of ‘food’ mixed with water per day and plenty of water. The weight loss was amazing. The diet was given to me by private prescription and I was weighed and monitored each week. Within a few days I became constipated and was advised to drink more water. At the end of three weeks I was drinking apporx 3L of water per day. I then had an epilectic fit. The following month (by now I was on 5L of water per day and still constipated) I had a series of about 8 fits over 24 hours and was taken into hospital. I lost my memory, was unable to drive for 18 months, had difficulty in making decisions, panic attacks an inability to do everyday things like shopping, washing and looking after my two young children.

Pauline Major, Looe, UK

This is a very sad story, but did it not occur to you to maybe give the diet a break after it broke your fucking brain? Gosh, this “hitting my hand with a mallet” diet seems to be causing a large amount of tears to flow from my eyes. Shall I stop, or shall I start hitting my hand 66% faster? I mean, I need the hand and all, but this blood just goes so well with this outfit!

More complaints. Thanks!

RADIO 4 BULLETINS
“I feel that there is a great deal of censorship on the Radio 4 news bulletins. One particular example is the reports of the children who were stabbed in Surrey allegedly by their mother. An important detail that was left out was that the parents are Sri Lankan immigrants I believe. It is my opinion that the BBC is no longer impartial for this specific reason.”

Sri Lankan eh? All makes sense now.

BBC NEWS AT 10
“I was disgusted to see that the report on the British soldiers injured on active service in Afghanistan was carried out by a female journalist. The Army is primarily a place for men so why does the BBC not use a male correspondent to report on this, perhaps even an ex-serviceman? You are obsessed with thrusting women into the limelight.”

Sorry, I see the word “thrusting” and the word “women” in such close proximity and the weight of millions of years of evolution hits me. You could be bleating on about curtains for all I care. Right now, I’m way down in the bits of brainstem we share with gerbils and geckos.

BREAKFAST (TV)
Annoyed that Susanna Reid wears red nail varnish on the programme. “When I receive my news I do not want a woman flashing her nails at me. I find this very off-putting and it is very unprofessional.”

Another stiffy in front of the kids? Must be starting to get embarrassing.

“The report about the RSPCA’s campaign to stop children in schools being able to have pets was backed by both your presenters. Everyone knows that the RSPCA is aligned to the Labour Party, and its ideas seem to be wholly supported by the BBC without question.”

I’ve heard that it was the RSPCA who brought down Building 7. They used Very Bad Dogs.

POINTS OF VIEW
“I am appalled and disgusted with the standard of dress in the BBC. Jeremy Vine is not even wearing a tie. I would never dream of going to work without a tie on. I find this quite offensive.”

They’ll never take you seriously if you just phone up and splutter angrily. You’re going to have to shit in an envelope and post it them.

SONGS OF PRAISE
“I was furious that I had to wait three minutes before there was any hymn singing.”

It’s just not the same when you accidentally blow your beans before they get to the big “Amen” is it?

WEATHER – GENERAL
Annoyed that metric measurements are used rather than Imperial. “I do not understand why everyone has gone Metric. This is not a metric country.”

Don’t worry Colonel. It’s all just a silly misunderstanding where everyone else started using new units and you stopped being useful for anything.

If someone told you to try “The Amazing Hydration Diet” what would you think? What about if your friend Jeffrey Adamson told you he was changing his name to “The Amazing Jeffrey Adamson”. Yeah. Me too.

Thanks to Jamie for pointing me at the comments for this article.

I have been on a detox diet and it was excellent. I’ve also drunk over 5 litres of water a day for a sustained period. But you are supposed to balance your water and salt intake as both are vital to health. Detox diets are powerful and need to be undertaken with care. But I don’t believe there is anything wrong with the idea that you should flush excess toxins from your system.
Robert, London

How could there be anything wrong with flushing toxins eh? They’re TOXINS. WAKE UP PEOPLE.

Having said this, the detox diet is very time consuming. You’re (literally) pissing away hours and days of your life that could be spent doing something useful like building a pyramid for travelling in time or a talisman for warding off Janet Street-Porter. Want to carry on flushing those toxins without all that time-consuming dieting and drinking? Sign up to my “Amazing 30,000 PSI Colonic Rocketwash” and flush out ALL your toxins (and probably a few other things) in just 1 minute! You might as well. It’s £9,995 a pop but if you don’t spend it with me, you’ll only end up giving it to some twat pretending to be a fucking wizard or something.

Thanks to Sally.

From a Telegraph.co.uk article, “Dumpster diving with the freegans: Why pay for food?”.

Soon we will have dumpster wars with the Mafia taking over the prime sites and the foreign illegal immigrants controlling their pitch and having the cream de la cream and leaving only rotting garbage for the Brits to pick through
jock

You paint a truly terrifying picture of the inevitable future. By the way, who is it that’s throwing away all the food that’s in the dumpsters? Hybrid gypsy-foetuses? Gigantic metal muslim robo-clerics? Our new pterodactyl overlords?

Thanks to Jo. These are from a thread about that Serbian chap who’s going to be tried for war crimes. Many on HYS are obediently joining in the Two Minute Hate and frothing with rage at the chap they’d never heard of until yesterday, but others are more considered. Examples to us all.

Great news! Now – and this is important – make sure he gets a fair trial. We have to start standing for something again. If he’s truly the butcher they say he is (and I’m sure he is – but don’t convict him on my word) there should be no trouble trying him for his crimes. The world doesn’t need vengeance, we need justice. Make sure we get it and nothing less.
[Scott_From_Columbus], Columbus, United States

It’s all very well adding “don’t convict him on my word”, but you’ve already gone and let the world know what Scott from Columbus thinks. How do you expect him to get a fair trial now?

I haven’t been able to go through all the comments, but hasn’t anyone questioned why this person wasn’t recognized by his voice before now? He was the LEADER for heavens sake. He was on television and radio all the time. I could recognize Tony Blair or George W when they spoke, even if they had bags over their head.
[Allitnil], Coquitlam, Canada

Serious? NOBODY questioned that?? I suspect it’s a cover up. Or perhaps he spoke through a kazoo for the last few years.

Now he’ll get the overdue justice medicine he truly deserves…. it’s complementary & also complimentary…& all his victims now hope… he enjoys his “JUST DESSERTS”!

PS. I forgot to say there will be plenty enough for his old friend & perpetrator Ratko Mladic as well.
Jaker, London & Dublin

Thanks for reminding us that war crimes don’t have to be all “DOOM AND GLOOM”!

Gronk strong caveman. Gronk live in nice cave. Gronk’s property values through the fucking floor since all these foreigns moved in.

How is your petty fiefdom changing?

Things are getting more expensive, and anything “fun” is regulated down to the last detail. New York is nothing more than a predictable, crowded, corporate playground. I’m also noticing more Islamic veils, which is never a good sign for any civilization.

PK, NYC

Always behind the curve, PK. They’re not Islamic veils, they’re “fun shrouds.” Peel one off and you find a naked woman who dispenses crisp, clear Budwesier from nipple taps. It’s their way of saying sorry for regulating your “fun” cross burnings out of existence.

Salford (yes it is a city!) has changed so much over the last 3-4 years, it is now more like an African city than an English one, so huge has the rate of immigration been recently.

Looking forward to all the posh BBC employees moving up to Media City (titter!) in a few years, I’m sure they will love the feral chavs that make up the the other half of the population!

Alan Walters, Salford

I’m sure that every immigrant hanging from the axle of a fruit lorry for eight weeks to make it through the channel tunnel is just dreaming of the utopian life waiting for them among the glittering beauty of Salford. Imagine their disappointment when they discover it’s full of people who use the word “titter” with a straight face.

Basically, the white urban underclass has been displaced by a vast influx of every race and culture under the sun. The city itself is much improved in every sense from the early post-Thatcher grimness of the early 1990′s. But we have lost out I feel to uncontrolled immigration – it has utterly eradicated the old white working class. Where they have gone, I don’t know but they aren’t in the city anymore. Now its Poles and Africans and Asians. You really do feel like a tourist in Leicester ..

Chris Gavin, Nottingham, United Kingdom

I don’t know where the white working class actually is, but from the sheer volume of racist bile on HYS I can be reasonably sure that they’re still as numerous as before, and wherever they are it’s got broadband and a ready supply of the Daily Mail. I have a tiny hunch that just maybe with increasing wealth they’ve fucked off to the suburbs, but then “the white working class is doing alright for itself” doesn’t give you anyone but yourself to blame for not joining them.

Also, just a point of note but when you’re in Leicester and you come from Nottingham, technically you actually are a tourist.

I found Eliza Wright trying to make friends with the internet.

“Are you affected by council strikes?”

I had somehow missed the fact that the strikes were today. I had to do some shopping, and wondered why there were so many famillies around, including one in which I knew the father was a teacher. My last call was to drop something in at the town hall, and I tried several times to phone ahead and tell the person I was dropping it off with, but there was no answer. It wasnt til I arrived and saw the strike notice, and realised reception was poorly staffed that I realised!!
Eliza Wright

Hahaha! Brilliant! Tell us that one about the time the bus was nearly 3 minutes late!

“At what age can children safely be left home alone?”

it depends not only on the child, but on the culture you happen to be living in. In many tribal communities, the 7 and 8 year old girls look after the babies whilst their fathers hunt and their mothers grow crops.
Eliza Wright

Will you be my “Phone-A-Friend” if I go on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”?

Blah blah council workers.

They deserve a pay decreace if you ask me. What good have they done in your local are recently. Cos in mine they havent done a darn thing. Our roads are never repaired, yet we are paying a stupid sum in tax towards it. We have no local facilities in our area yet are paying the council £1000s to fund these things. According to our local council a badger has more rights to live in the area than the people who pay to live here. I dont like them, get rid of the lot of them.
i should be working, Cambridge, United Kingdom

Right on. I mean, I’m not badgerist. Some of ‘em are alright. I’ll say this for the badgers, they’re very hard-working. But you can’t trust ‘em. There’s probably 15 of them living in that set. And they’re sending half the money they earn back to their family in Badgerland. Fucking badgers.