spEak You're bRanes

More from the beeb’s complaints log. Thanks again.

RADIO 2 – MUSIC GOES ROUND
“I thoroughly enjoy this programme. I sing along every week.”

RADIO 4 – FRONT ROW
“They keep talking about ‘Hip Hop dancing’ without actually saying what it is.”

RADIO 4 – PM
Re. Humming sound heard in Norfolk: “In the 1930′s a similar humming sound was heard in the air in Yorkshire and I felt the programme should have discussed if there was a possible connection.”

NEWS AT 10
“I would like the BBC reporters speaking from the actual spot where soldiers are killed in Afghanistan and not sitting miles away in a hotel.”

NEWS CHANNEL
“The weather presenter was heavily pregnant, which annoyed me immensely. Instead of standing there looking as if she was about to give birth, she should just go home and look after herself. Someone needs to tell her to stop being so silly.”

OLYMPICS 2008: THE GAMES TODAY
“Gabby Logan is a poor quality presenter. She is too ugly to look at. Please get rid of her.”

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
“Jeremy Paxman referred to Hugh Laurie as a comedian on the show. I feel that this was inaccurate as Hugh Laurie is also an actor.”

WEATHER
“Scotland should not be included in the weather forecasts. They have their own Parliament after all.”

Pete Tong seems to have invented a whole new category. I’m calling this one the ‘Reverse IYLISMWDYGLT’

This government gets more like the “TALIBAN” everyday, Ban smoking, drinking alcohol, reading lads mags.

If I wanted to live in Afganistan I would emigrate there.
pete tong

Thanks to Martin for finding this lunatic on the Telegraph website. I think it might be about the Olympics or something.

watch my lips :

DRUG-TAKING CHEATS.

THAT’S WHAT I SAID

LET THEM PROVE ME WRONG .

RHETORICAL QUESTION :

I WENT TO A GYM 4 TIMES A WEEK FOR A DECADE AND I HAVE A NORMAL MALE BODY : SLIM , STRONG AND NORMAL

I SEE WOMEN ON TV WHO HAVE BODIES THAT EVEN A MAN WHO GOES TO THE GYM 4 TIMES A WEEK FOR A DECADE DOING WEIGHTS DIDN’T GET.

THEY ARE DRUG-TAKING CHEATS.

ALL OF THEM FROM EVERY COUNTRY

AND THAT’S FINE BY ME AS LONG AS THEY ADMIT THAT…

..THEY ARE ALL DRUG-TAKING CHEATS

MAN ON WATERLOO BRIDGE

As Martin says:
Extra points for not quite being all-capitals, which proves that the capitals were either deliberate or a result of a feverish accidental press of the caps-lock key whilst rushing to get the brain-dump out. Also, great use of the phrase “rhetorical question”, without an actual question.

I reckon it looks like blank verse. But does he recite it, sing it, rap it or just hare around Waterloo on a scooter, yelling it at passers-by?

Thanks to Richard. Someone by the name of Raze has been experimenting with the BBC’s joke thread.

The BBC ‘have your say’ page has a thread about jokes.
as a test of the pc bbc I have made a number of posts with the following results.

My Irish joke was posted
My scotch joke was posted.
My George Bush joke was posted.
My jewish joke was posted (surprised by this)
My sexist men are idiots joke, published.

However my gollywog joke was rejected and my joke about mosliems was also rejected
who would have guessed ?

Next they’ll be making you let all your slaves go.

Give thanks again for more from the complaints log.

RADIO 4 – GENERAL
“There are far too many programmes about women and gay people. Why don’t you broadcast an hour of entertainment for men?”

They could broadcast the sound of indignant spluttering.

RADIO 4 – WOMAN’S HOUR
“I cannot hear what Jenni Murray is saying. She has an unclear, soft voice. I would appreciate if she could speak a bit louder.”

Don’t worry, everything she says is shit.

RADIO 5LIVE – GENERAL
“The newsreader said ‘Gary Glitter was due to come back to ‘England’. I found this annoying because, as far as I am aware, England has the same passport controls as the rest of the UK.”

I can only imagine your rage when you were forced to learn that he flew into Heathrow.

RADIO ESSEX – NEWS
Re. Report on Holidays: “The reporter said the caravans [at a particular camping site] are wonderful and not the type of thing that you get stuck behind on the A8. I was offended by this as I enjoy towing my Caravan to different locations.”

It’s all about the towing.

NEWS AT TEN
“During this report a representative from the organisation Human Rights Watch was interviewed. As far as I know they are a discredited organisation and therefore an inappropriate group to have speaking on the programme.”

By “discredited”, did you mean “not quite racist enough for The Telegraph”?

GENERAL TV
Re. CHILDREN IN NEED: “I was concerned by newspaper reports that 7/7 bombers received money from the programme: I think this is ridiculous, and I won’t be donating again in future.”

90% of the money raised is spent on Xbox 360s for bumpy-faced, swarthy paedophiles on benefits. Trufax.

MAN WHO CYCLED THE WORLD
“I find this programme to be very poor, it is pointless and I would prefer to see some sort of variety show.”

Because, sometimes, only Shane Ritchie singing songs from “Oklahoma” will do.

TRAWLERMEN
“I object to yet another series from the BBC glamorising the profession of those people who choose to catch and kill innocent fish as a living. I see it as a barbaric act and I don’t think they are brave at all.”

Get a fucking grip you transparent, half-dead twat.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
“The BBC is only interested in people with ancestors from abroad and exotic locations. Is this the BBC’s black propaganda to make us think that we come from somewhere else.”

Them black people may have evolved from monkeys in Africa but us TRUE BRITS evolved from badgers, hedgehogs and good, honest, plucky sparrows.

‘Are “Titan Jails” the best way to house prisoners?’. Norman passes on something wise he once learned about storing very old eggs.

Of course they are. When there are too many rotten eggs for the basket, you go out and but a bigger basket.

Or you can always do what this snivelling government have done, and pretend the stench is wafting from a different bowl.
Norman Pot-Noodle, Bedsitland

I’d throw a few of those rotten eggs away. Just keep the good ones and use the money you’ve saved on baskets to buy the rest of the ingredients for an omelette.

Just think, if you could do metaphors like that one, you could post on HYS for years and nobody would ever guess what you were on about.

Thanks to the ever generous complaints donor for sending me this one. It was emailed to the BBC, presumably by some tragic bollock who used to watch “That’s Life”.

So the proms season is here,
A chance to celebrate,
15 year old girls in unregulated limos,
Is this something for BBC to debate???

What protection is offered?
Self regulation at best!
But paedophiles are resourceful,
Didn’t self regulation make the internet such mess??

CRB Licensing,
This forced the paedophiles underground,
No authority licensing limo drivers,
Their paradise they have found!!

In the BBC news reel,
The girls appeared to drink Champagne Wine,
Alcohol is often sold with the package,
Selling Alcohol, I thought I needed a Liquor licence that was mine???

When work is up,
Limo drivers appear from the blue,
Some drive bus and lorries all week,
Is this a safe practice to do??

The proprietor and drivers are unlicensed,
This is no joke,
Drug dealers-Rapist- Murderers,
There is no licence to revoke.

Who regulates the vehicles,
Why not ask the BC???
The answer will be silence,
So are they allowed to rome free???

A Bill of Rights debate brings out some predictable responses. Here are some of the less predictable.

Categorically not required. A bill of rights is a slippery slope towards a written constitution – something that lesser countries than England believe in!

[SaxonHero], Lancashire, England (not UK)

How dare you say ‘England’ without singing ‘Land of Hope and Glory’.

A Bill of Rights?

Isn’t it enough to have the Law? Can’t we just use that?!

James Hardaker, Skegness, United Kingdom

Better still, why not make your own? All you need is sticky-backed plastic, toilet roll and a small aubergine.

I would just like to see the Magna Carta back in force.

This and the Human Rights Act should be the ideal precursors to driving all future bills which protect or enforce our rights.

We already these things in action before Bliar removed them so is this a reminder that they weren’t a bad idea to have after all?

[druid2002], UK

Yet again ZaNuLiarBore is pandering to the interests of minorities! What about the rights of the Barons!?!!

Sounds like a socialist charter to me. If New Labour have any say in this, then it will be the final curtain for this nation, thats for sure.
Don’t these loony MP’s realise that because of this type of ideology like New Labour and its PC brigade have been pushing at us, is responsible for the sorry mess we are in now after 12 years of New Labour Lunacy and PC madness.
WE would ALL end up on some drug ridden council estate surrounded by refugees and loafers.
NO THANKS, continue with your hols.

Sir Herbert Scroggins, Edgeley, Stockport, United Kingdom

Don’t worry. The refugees’ and loafers’ human rights would prevent them having to live near you.

Would the Bill of Rights protect white males in the face of positive discrimination? Or is this just another politically correct Bill of Rights for minorities?

White Male #1059475, Mansfield

I checked your number on the database and no, you’re not included. Evens only, I’m afraid.

Here’s the Bill Of Rights I’ vote for :
Right not to be taxed to death
Right to stop paying for everyone who can’t be bothered to go to work
Right not to be persecuted as a motorist
Right to have my bin emptied once a week
Right to not be treated as a terrorist when I get on a plane
Right to stop having the Government tell me I should eat 5 portions of fruit a day

Ulysses S Drivel

As the great Thomas Jefferson said, there is no greater right than that of not having to eat your greens.

Before attempting the following question, please remember the following:

• Innocent until proven guilty is only for white people
• Torture is OK if you do it to really nasty people
• All prisons are five-star hotels and Cuba is the destination this summer.
• The Geneva Convention is all about road signs or something.

Got those at the front of your mind? Good. Does the Guantanamo conviction justify the existence of the US prison?

Guantanamo should remain open, the people kept inside are not innocent decent people, they are nasty people who are involved in terror. Let them rot..

The ones who got out, were lucky. there was not enough proof, but there are all involved or they wouldn’t have been held there.

Let’s grow up folks, these people are not being held for fun.

[juleshampstead], London, United Kingdom

Oh, I dunno. I have it on good authority that the people who administer the waterboardings think it’s “wicked radical.”

Guananamo isn’t the best solution but it’s a better solution than EU “human” rights legislation and UK judiciary that prevents us from deporting illegal immigrants and all islamists that have encouraged racial extremism in the UK.

[iceagecometh]

Yeah, if you don’t think it’s somehow sinister that the EU doesn’t have legislation allowing them to detain people at will without proof, condone torture under the grounds it’s “not really” torture, and bypass its own laws by shunting this all off into another country that doesn’t want it there, you can fuck off back to Stalinist Russia, hippy.

How many HYS readers know that over 50 detainees have already been released… and found back on the battle field in Afghanistan & Iraq?

If there is proven mistreatment of detainees, and not just allegations, then condemn those. But Korans were never flushed down the toilet, they are too big. But, U.S, guards have had feces thrown on them.

The Geneva Convention allows prisoners on the battle field not in uniform to be shot. Would you rather that or detention?

Stephan Wright, Atlanta, United States

As with any post that begins “How many HYS readers know that…” this is a trick question. The correct answer is “None, they all just make it up.”

Do you wish it was still the 1950s? Is nostalgia preferable to living in the real world? Do you find it troublesome to judge people on their merits rather than their gender? Does your worldview consist of nothing but truisms and fear? Is a mother’s place at home?

Mothers are far better at dealing with housework & crying babies & screaming kids…& all at the same time as well.

Fathers, & males in general, are IMO more likely to crack under the pressure and/or more likely abuse babies & children left in their care in one way or another…and that includes verbal abuse & also sex abuse.

Generally speaking, nowadays I wouldn’t trust men to discipline small young child unchecked, while considering that many men are now on or dealing in drugs.

magicalways54, Romford

Credit for the spot goes to Naich, who “being a man, [is] probably ripped to the tits on that crack heroin.” So am I, Naich, but only when my fucking shitbag kids shut up about being raped long enough for me to smoke up the syringe.