spEak You’re bRanes

Give thanks again for more from the complaints log.

RADIO 4 - GENERAL
“There are far too many programmes about women and gay people. Why don’t you broadcast an hour of entertainment for men?”

They could broadcast the sound of indignant spluttering.

RADIO 4 - WOMAN’S HOUR
“I cannot hear what Jenni Murray is saying. She has an unclear, soft voice. I would appreciate if she could speak a bit louder.”

Don’t worry, everything she says is shit.

RADIO 5LIVE - GENERAL
“The newsreader said ‘Gary Glitter was due to come back to ‘England’. I found this annoying because, as far as I am aware, England has the same passport controls as the rest of the UK.”

I can only imagine your rage when you were forced to learn that he flew into Heathrow.

RADIO ESSEX - NEWS
Re. Report on Holidays: “The reporter said the caravans [at a particular camping site] are wonderful and not the type of thing that you get stuck behind on the A8. I was offended by this as I enjoy towing my Caravan to different locations.”

It’s all about the towing.

NEWS AT TEN
“During this report a representative from the organisation Human Rights Watch was interviewed. As far as I know they are a discredited organisation and therefore an inappropriate group to have speaking on the programme.”

By “discredited”, did you mean “not quite racist enough for The Telegraph”?

GENERAL TV
Re. CHILDREN IN NEED: “I was concerned by newspaper reports that 7/7 bombers received money from the programme: I think this is ridiculous, and I won’t be donating again in future.”

90% of the money raised is spent on Xbox 360s for bumpy-faced, swarthy paedophiles on benefits. Trufax.

MAN WHO CYCLED THE WORLD
“I find this programme to be very poor, it is pointless and I would prefer to see some sort of variety show.”

Because, sometimes, only Shane Ritchie singing songs from “Oklahoma” will do.

TRAWLERMEN
“I object to yet another series from the BBC glamorising the profession of those people who choose to catch and kill innocent fish as a living. I see it as a barbaric act and I don’t think they are brave at all.”

Get a fucking grip you transparent, half-dead twat.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
“The BBC is only interested in people with ancestors from abroad and exotic locations. Is this the BBC’s black propaganda to make us think that we come from somewhere else.”

Them black people may have evolved from monkeys in Africa but us TRUE BRITS evolved from badgers, hedgehogs and good, honest, plucky sparrows.

‘Are “Titan Jails” the best way to house prisoners?’. Norman passes on something wise he once learned about storing very old eggs.

Of course they are. When there are too many rotten eggs for the basket, you go out and but a bigger basket.

Or you can always do what this snivelling government have done, and pretend the stench is wafting from a different bowl.
Norman Pot-Noodle, Bedsitland

I’d throw a few of those rotten eggs away. Just keep the good ones and use the money you’ve saved on baskets to buy the rest of the ingredients for an omelette.

Just think, if you could do metaphors like that one, you could post on HYS for years and nobody would ever guess what you were on about.

Thanks to the ever generous complaints donor for sending me this one. It was emailed to the BBC, presumably by some tragic bollock who used to watch “That’s Life”.

So the proms season is here,
A chance to celebrate,
15 year old girls in unregulated limos,
Is this something for BBC to debate???

What protection is offered?
Self regulation at best!
But paedophiles are resourceful,
Didn’t self regulation make the internet such mess??

CRB Licensing,
This forced the paedophiles underground,
No authority licensing limo drivers,
Their paradise they have found!!

In the BBC news reel,
The girls appeared to drink Champagne Wine,
Alcohol is often sold with the package,
Selling Alcohol, I thought I needed a Liquor licence that was mine???

When work is up,
Limo drivers appear from the blue,
Some drive bus and lorries all week,
Is this a safe practice to do??

The proprietor and drivers are unlicensed,
This is no joke,
Drug dealers-Rapist- Murderers,
There is no licence to revoke.

Who regulates the vehicles,
Why not ask the BC???
The answer will be silence,
So are they allowed to rome free???

A Bill of Rights debate brings out some predictable responses. Here are some of the less predictable.

Categorically not required. A bill of rights is a slippery slope towards a written constitution - something that lesser countries than England believe in!

[SaxonHero], Lancashire, England (not UK)

How dare you say ‘England’ without singing ‘Land of Hope and Glory’.

A Bill of Rights?

Isn’t it enough to have the Law? Can’t we just use that?!

James Hardaker, Skegness, United Kingdom

Better still, why not make your own? All you need is sticky-backed plastic, toilet roll and a small aubergine.

I would just like to see the Magna Carta back in force.

This and the Human Rights Act should be the ideal precursors to driving all future bills which protect or enforce our rights.

We already these things in action before Bliar removed them so is this a reminder that they weren’t a bad idea to have after all?

[druid2002], UK

Yet again ZaNuLiarBore is pandering to the interests of minorities! What about the rights of the Barons!?!!

Sounds like a socialist charter to me. If New Labour have any say in this, then it will be the final curtain for this nation, thats for sure.
Don’t these loony MP’s realise that because of this type of ideology like New Labour and its PC brigade have been pushing at us, is responsible for the sorry mess we are in now after 12 years of New Labour Lunacy and PC madness.
WE would ALL end up on some drug ridden council estate surrounded by refugees and loafers.
NO THANKS, continue with your hols.

Sir Herbert Scroggins, Edgeley, Stockport, United Kingdom

Don’t worry. The refugees’ and loafers’ human rights would prevent them having to live near you.

Would the Bill of Rights protect white males in the face of positive discrimination? Or is this just another politically correct Bill of Rights for minorities?

White Male #1059475, Mansfield

I checked your number on the database and no, you’re not included. Evens only, I’m afraid.

Here’s the Bill Of Rights I’ vote for :
Right not to be taxed to death
Right to stop paying for everyone who can’t be bothered to go to work
Right not to be persecuted as a motorist
Right to have my bin emptied once a week
Right to not be treated as a terrorist when I get on a plane
Right to stop having the Government tell me I should eat 5 portions of fruit a day

Ulysses S Drivel

As the great Thomas Jefferson said, there is no greater right than that of not having to eat your greens.

Before attempting the following question, please remember the following:

• Innocent until proven guilty is only for white people
• Torture is OK if you do it to really nasty people
• All prisons are five-star hotels and Cuba is the destination this summer.
• The Geneva Convention is all about road signs or something.

Got those at the front of your mind? Good. Does the Guantanamo conviction justify the existence of the US prison?

Guantanamo should remain open, the people kept inside are not innocent decent people, they are nasty people who are involved in terror. Let them rot..

The ones who got out, were lucky. there was not enough proof, but there are all involved or they wouldn’t have been held there.

Let’s grow up folks, these people are not being held for fun.

[juleshampstead], London, United Kingdom

Oh, I dunno. I have it on good authority that the people who administer the waterboardings think it’s “wicked radical.”

Guananamo isn’t the best solution but it’s a better solution than EU “human” rights legislation and UK judiciary that prevents us from deporting illegal immigrants and all islamists that have encouraged racial extremism in the UK.

[iceagecometh]

Yeah, if you don’t think it’s somehow sinister that the EU doesn’t have legislation allowing them to detain people at will without proof, condone torture under the grounds it’s “not really” torture, and bypass its own laws by shunting this all off into another country that doesn’t want it there, you can fuck off back to Stalinist Russia, hippy.

How many HYS readers know that over 50 detainees have already been released… and found back on the battle field in Afghanistan & Iraq?

If there is proven mistreatment of detainees, and not just allegations, then condemn those. But Korans were never flushed down the toilet, they are too big. But, U.S, guards have had feces thrown on them.

The Geneva Convention allows prisoners on the battle field not in uniform to be shot. Would you rather that or detention?

Stephan Wright, Atlanta, United States

As with any post that begins “How many HYS readers know that…” this is a trick question. The correct answer is “None, they all just make it up.”

Do you wish it was still the 1950s? Is nostalgia preferable to living in the real world? Do you find it troublesome to judge people on their merits rather than their gender? Does your worldview consist of nothing but truisms and fear? Is a mother’s place at home?

Mothers are far better at dealing with housework & crying babies & screaming kids…& all at the same time as well.

Fathers, & males in general, are IMO more likely to crack under the pressure and/or more likely abuse babies & children left in their care in one way or another…and that includes verbal abuse & also sex abuse.

Generally speaking, nowadays I wouldn’t trust men to discipline small young child unchecked, while considering that many men are now on or dealing in drugs.

magicalways54, Romford

Credit for the spot goes to Naich, who “being a man, [is] probably ripped to the tits on that crack heroin.” So am I, Naich, but only when my fucking shitbag kids shut up about being raped long enough for me to smoke up the syringe.

Mark Easton wrote in his blog about how disproportionism in the media leads to hysterical fear of crime.

What’s the correct response? Hysterical fear of crime, naturally.

Responsibilities - I wish!!!

Person A is a responsible person who can be trusted with a knife (or a gun, or a child, or whatever).

Person B is an irresponsible person who cannot be trusted with a knife (or a gun, or a child, or whatever).

We are not allowed to discriminate between A and B as this would be an infringement of B’s “rights”.

Therefore, we must treat A in the same way as B and impose any amount of petty restrictions on both of them.

And B, being irresponsible, will evade the restrictions imposed to control him/her.

While A, being responsible, will try to abide by the restrictions which are not necessary for him/her.

A, being responsible, is far easier to police and prosecute than B. A will therefore be more disadvantaged by these restrictions than B.

Until we are once again allowed to DISCRIMINATE between A and B, things will go from bad to worse.

And no, it’s not really that difficult to tell the majority of the As and Bs apart . . .
AZLewes

Yes, the Bs all have little squinty eyes that are too close together while the As are all 6′ tall and blond, with proud chests that swell with the joy of living.

But that’s not it for poor long-suffering A and scumbag B…

[AZLewes] is spot on, however I would go one further as the situation is now in reality much more skewed in favour of the irresponsable person B.

The responsible person A is going about his legal business in the street and is unarmed.

A is approached by the irresponsable person B who is armed and intent on relieving A of his wallet containing his hard-earned cash. This is required to feed B’s drug habit. Person B pulls a knife.

Unfortunately for person B, A takes exception to B’s criminal behaviour and is morally obliged to decline the invitation to hand over his wallet. Being a fairly well built chap A defends himself using reasonable force and person B suffers hurt feelings and a cracked nail as he is forceably separated from the contents of his cuttlery draw.

PC Plod (person pC) arives on scene and decides for some reason that ‘a dispute’ (you can b***dy say tha again) has occured between person A and person B, whose ‘rights’ are now for some inexplicable reason equal even though person B is clearlt a knife wielding thug well known to the Police, and person A is just trying to get home from work.

A is fingerprinted, DNA tested, and charged with assault. Whilst A is held overnight in the cells, B is released without charge because “it is soceity wot dun it to ‘im innit?” and is therefore free to knock over A’s house during the small hours to rearm himself from the cuttlery draw and steal A’s property to fund his drug habit.

The law abiding person A now has a criminal record and looses his job, his house and his wife.

Well done pC, UK law and British common sense.
——–

Whilst this situation is mercifully rare, it has occurred in the past and although laughable when expressed like this, it is unfortunately now a genuine concern for the law abiding.

The fact that it is rare is because most people in this situation would actually just hand over their wallet, loose £10 in cash, cancel their cards and not bother to report it (because no-one will be caught anyway and it is not worth the effort having the conversation with the administrator on the front desk of the police station, even if you can find one that is actually open) rather than risk taking a stand, or indeed help anyone else finding themselves in this position.

It is this fear of the state by the law abiding which is causing antisocial behaviour in all its forms to spiral because quite simply, the law abiding do not feel able to take action or intervene in any way lest they end up in the cells. Untill this dire situation (or the perception of this situation) is clearly reversed, crime and general disorder will only get worse.

Repealling the fatuous Human Rights Act, a European construct with no place in UK law, would be a fantastic start.
UKIntel

Check your newspeak dictionaries, citizens: “Mercifully rare” should replace the oldspeak term “Completely made up.”

Cyril Bradley seems confused about what he thinks about Ehud Olmert. I wonder what our Israeli readers think of his inference that their former leader is not a total muthafucking badass.

Although he has not been found guilty of anything yet I think for for the good of the country he did the right thing, for me he was too wishy washy, Israel at times needs a leader who can put the hammer down.
Cyril Bradley, Detroit USA

Thanks to Shoelace and Lucy. On the untimely death of Isaac Hayes.

Isaac?
Who?
Sorry he died.
Burry him deep.
All musician need to be so done with.
Else, they erupt again to blare with their stuff to bother us all again.

Music 2 Years

I’ve been racking my brains for what this means, and can only conclude that Music 2 Years is his stage name and these are his lyrics. I imagine a balding middle-aged man with a cod Jamaican accent.

What a shame. I remember meeting him once in a burger King in Brixton about 10 years ago, he ordered a double whopper with extra fries, and a coke. Just goes to show that food will kill you, just like Elvis, except on a tread mill, and not a toilet.

Joseph Steadman, Brixton

I once met Shobna Gulati out of Dinnerladies. I mumbled something about her play being quite interesting and she said ‘thanks’. Needless to say, if she should ever die it will be down to this.

Griff is hoping to end all war with the sheer force of his pomposity.

I know that this will not be a popular view but I am having serious problems. I know that sport and politics should not mix but we cannot ignore where these games are being held.
When the national anthem is played I do not feel proud, we must never forget our involvement in Iraq. What we have done brings nothing but shame on our country.
I call on the world now to declare that they will boycott the London olympics. Gordon Brown must not go to China, shame on us all. Everything is in our name.
[griff22], Exeter, United Kingdom

By the beard of Zeus! You’re right! Oh woe! Cry treachery! I call upon mighty Thor and his fleet of Volkswagen Passats to strike down those who have brought such shame to the shores of this once great land! Rain down fire and brimstone! Stop Gordon going to China! Ask awkward questions on Newsnight!