I’ve been reading posts by the poignantly tragic Jack Taft. He posted this first one in both “Who would be your dream duet?” and “How can the battle against drugs crime be won?”. I think it works well in both.
God rest his soul but a duet of Luciano Pavarotti and Paul Potts singing the Nessun Dorma.
Opera was never my thing but Luciano and Potts changed that for me, and I suspect, many others too.
Jack Taft, Birmingham, United Kingdom
It was a bit like when Nigel Kennedy turned the world of classical music on its head by wearing a denim jacket.
This one is from “Are some subjects tougher than others?”.
What in the name of all that is unholy is a GCSE in “Citizenship”?
[Vulpus_rex], London, United KingdomI took the subject two years ago, in yr9, yes my school just wanted to get it out of the way and not interfere with proper subjects, quite right of them too, looking back on it i realise there was a large element of the exam that tested how politically correct you were.
Labour’s Citizen, no wonder I failed then…
Jack Taft, Birmingham, United Kingdom
How the gibbering fuck do you fail any GCSE these days? Did you accidentally wipe your arse on it or something? All you had to do was pretend, for 60 minutes or so, not to be a racist. Even the BNP can manage that.
What is depressing about this is that he’s still a young man…I assumed the deranged rantings on HYS were written by no one under the age of 65.
It’s worrying that the fucktards are breeding younglings.
Oh noes! Yr 9? We all know what that means!
PEADO PEADO PEADO!
this makes this suffering cockwand no more than 15.
it’s nice to see NuLaBORE trying to weed out racists from society before they make it to puberty anyway.
Idiot child, I will not even stoop to patronising him. He can have a cheeky ruffle of the hair, and be told to space between his ellipsis and that the ellipsis was redundant to his closing statement. Other than that, no patronising.
He’s got to be particularly dumb to fail completely. I know someone who lost their bottle during an A-level exam. They got as far as writing their name and one sentence of the first answer before rushing out of the exam room in a panic. They were awarded 27 points. For spelling their own name correctly.
That’s probably why Jack failed. His second name is really spelled D-A-F-T.
He might be a 30 year old looking to groom someone by posing as a school kid.
More likely that he’s a 30 year old who was kept back in school for 15 years because he manages to do the unimaginible and fail a GCSE.
Conjures up an image of some union jack touting skinhead trying desparately to hold his tongue/fists in cheque during full paryer at Finsbury park mosque while Nick Griffin stands by solemnly with a stopwatch in a bid to “prove” the “mainstream” appeal of his party.
“God rest his soul”
What kind of a Gibbons growler uses that phrase - especially one who we assume isn’t yet out of his teens.
Now I’m not going to dis Pavarotti as he had a decent voice on him and liked a good lunch, but Paul Fucking Potts, and Nessun Bloody Dorma.
Not only that why does he then refer to them as Luciano and Potts.
Luciano? What was he, your fucking mate?
Also…. Large element. Aaaaaaargh.
Well, isn’t it a good job they got it out of the way in year 9, so that he could concentrate on proper subjects like “English Language”. That paid off.
Ah,kids these days with their light classical music and hard-right politics. When I was his age all we had was drugs, punk-rock, Trotskyism and casual sex.
But we were happy.
‘i realise there was a large element of the exam that tested how politically correct you were.’
Was this a question that said: ‘What is the appropriate reaction when meeting people from an Muslim background?
1: Treat them respectfully like any other human.
2) Sneer at them and walk away in the opposite direction, muttering racist abuse and twitching.
3) Follow them home and shove dogshit through their letterbox, then go onto HYS and whinge about immigrants and crime.
I bet he ticked the last one.
Frankly, having seen how scruffy some of the 13 & 14 year olds are who hang around our local off-license they could do with some grooming!
And a nut-sack full of jizz in the face wouldn’t hurt any of them either!
Maybe I’m just over-tired, but the comments on this post made me nearly wet myself laughing. The Nessun Dorma fuckin’ genius, great find Nelson.
and
Both absolute comedy gold.
Sorry I haven’t got anything clever to add to the conversation. Just wanted to compliment all you whale’s ballsacks on your excellent form today.
GCSE EXAMINATION FOR GROWING UP AND BEING BRITISH
Candidate’s Name (10 Marks)
Candidate’s UK ID Card Number (10 Marks)
Religion:
Q1) What is the UK’s official religion:
a) Islam
b) Jew
c) Christian
d) Whatever the Queen says it is
Q2) A person born in the UK goes to a Mosque and worships Allah. Is he:
a) A foriegner
b) A British-born foriegner
c) Soon-to-be deported
Q3) If people in the UK speak in defence of any enemy-designated foriegn country should they:
a) STFU
b) Go live there
c) Have their dole money stopped.
Q4) Knifecrime. Discuss.
Q5) What is the UK’s national anthem:
a) God safe the Queen
b) Land of hope and glory
c) The theme tune from the Dambusters
They might catch the bad aids though. Or end up smelling of hammers. No matter how desperate the public order situation - never trust the peedos. Paedophiles have more genes in common with crabs than they do with you or me. Now that is scientific fact. There’s no actual evidence for it, but it is a fact. As any fule kno.
Even a marmoset’s mimsy like Jack realises that much. Perhaps Jack could use his large element to give them all third degree burns - or at the very least brand them as a chav or immigrant? Then the PC brigade could easily identify who they should rally in aid of.
Waitaminnit!
Jack Taft failed the “Citizenship” GCSE???
But - but - that mean’s he’s NOT a citizen!!!!!
Deport the badger loving peedo immigrunt NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
From the current thread ‘What makes a good joke?’
How the shuddering fuck do you fail this?
http://www.ocr.org.uk/Data/publications/assessment_materials/L_GCSE_SC_Citizenship_Studies_SAM.pdf
Sample questions:
2 What is meant by the term “Democracy”?
(i) A political system where the most powerful people always get their way.
(ii) A decision made as a result of consulting everybody involved and following the best argument.
(iii) A political system in which all citizens can have a say in decisions or in choosing their representatives.
(iv) Appealing to the House of Lords as the highest court in the land.
8 (a) State what is meant by the term political party.
Why did he take the GCSE 2 years early if he was likely to fail it? And why is he proud of this fact?
Is it all part of some elaborate hoax to make Labour look a bit bad?
Damn you, John - I was going to post that. He truly is an utter piss-artist, isn’t he? Reminds me a bit of Tory-boy from the Harry Enfield show, all spotty and slimy. And I bet he spends half his time wanking over pictures of darkies, then chastising himself for being so filthy.
8 (a) State what is meant by the term political party.
Two Government Ministers, a back bench MP, 3 underage Eastern European hookers, a half-kilo of coke, as much tequila as you can drink and a hot custard enema.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, Jack, you funny cunt, for a second there you made me think… oh, no… what? Oh, I was right. It ISN’T funny. So you’re just a cunt then. Figures.
Can anyone explain this “joke” to me? Obviously, it’s not ACTUALLY funny, or I wouldn’t have to ask. But I can’t tell which bit is SUPPOSED to be funny.
maybe the joke was funnier in polish before he got 77% of his local residents to translate it.
i’m sure he’s missed ‘opportunity’ out of the punchline. look it’s a priest AND a woman. clearly the problem is it’s not a young boy. maybe *that’s* the joke.
I think he must have been at the school for grooming purposes after his attempts to do so on the internet failed…
So why did you move on to Schools then Jack?
So they told the police about you did they?
And can someone please explain THIS:
How do you get teen gangs off the streets?
Phwoar?
Why did he take the GCSE 2 years early if he was likely to fail it?
They now cram kids for a year on half the subjects they are going to take, test them, cram them for a year on the other half, test them on those, and then wonder what happened to school leavers who can remember a single thing they’ve been taught.
So he didn’t fail the test early, they just tested him the same fucked up way they test everyone now.
But this doesn’t explain the fact of his failing rather than its timing.
If he failed the citizenship test why is he still here? Claiming dole or student’s grants paid for by CITIZENS I suppose. Or do they have internet access for the criminals awaiting deportation in Belmarsh PRISON now? Oh silly me, they do already.
On jest vulva z martwego konia.
To jest koniec.
(But mind that I can only be 77% sure of this.
I have known Tory Boy teens like this. They confuse copying adults with being mature. I bet he’s disliked by his peers, and contents himself with these sub-Adrian Mole, pseudo-intellectual witterings. “That’s why they hate me,” he mutters, “I’m too grown up and politically aware for them.”
Except he’s fixated on the Daily Telegraph and HYS as the epitomes of adult opinion. EPIC FAIL!
Give him a few years to grow up and he might turn out okay. Let him go to university, get drunk a bit and meet these people he claims to dislike. Or he’ll just become an even bigger horse’s bell-end.
I’m loving that joke thread
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
See what you did? You turned the joke on the moderators!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
See what you did? You turned the joke on the moderators!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
This guy is CRAZY! Those moderators won’t like him I’ll bet! (chuckle)
What. The fuck.
Any chance that we can set Jack up on a date with Katie True?
Think of the tickets we could sell to watch THAT!
If he’s a genuine teenager then I am a half empty packet of crisps that has been left inside the lid of a piano that’s at the bottom of a swimming pool filled with barometers and tomatoes.
“Any chance that we can set Jack up on a date with Katie True?”
JT: Hi Ms, have you heard the one about the priest and the hotel room that had a womon in it?
KT: No.
JT: Well there’s this priest you see, and he goes to a hotel. But there’s a woman in the room so he goes to reception and he tells them. And what did the receptionist says to him?
KT: I dont know, what did the receptionist say to him?
JT: Go up there and fuick her in tradesmen’s. Phwaaar Phwaar waar.
KT: Where do you come from?
JT: Oh, I live not far from London.
KT: Why not in London? You got something against Londoners have you?
JT: No.
KT: Why don’t you go back to your own stinking country.
JT: But I’m a British Citizen!
KT: Prove it. What does Democracy mean? Explain what is meant by the commonwealth and how it differs from the United Nations? What’s a political party?
hmmm
more like
JT - Hi, do you like Opera, Luciano Pavarotti canged my life.
KT - No speko engliso
JT - ho ho did you hear the one about the polish survey?
KT - Are you still here?
JT - Erm… Phwoar .. room … woman … army?
Idiot idiot idiot idiot idiot
@ Crab enema. He’s not a teenager at all is he.
No one can become that nauseatingly pompous under the age of about 35. I reckon he’s mid to late 40s and lives with his mum.
Erm, I think he really is a teenager - he’s on [link removed] facebook [as finishing school in] 2009 (I guess he’s finishing his A-levels next year). And he’s wearing some stupid “look at me, what a twat I am” suit as well.
I realise how stalkery this makes me seem. But read the guy’s comments - he talks about the Government wasting HIS TAXES!! YOU’RE A CHILD!
Ow, the pain…
[Nelson says: will you fuckers please stop doing noddy detective work. Or do something useful and go help the police solve crimes using your google skills.]
That is a little stalkey.
I’m scared and am going home now
“Or do something useful and go help the police solve crimes using your google skills”
Yeah - I understand they’re looking for whoever offed that Dando bint now they’ve been told they can’t just blame the local nutter anymore - go sort THAT lot out I dares you!
And Sam, you’ve just net-stalked a SCHOOLBOY!
That makes you as good as a badger-loving peedo in my book!
What is a Paul Potts?
I’m sorry. Terribly sorry everyone. Really, very sorry. It was wrong of me to take this from pure insult into self-interest.
Duly chastised.
He’s still a cock though.
He used to run Cambodia and Carphone Warehouse.
On this we can agree. We should make a flag and rally round it.
Didn’t realise we were playing jeopardy…
Erm - who is Go(rdon) Clown of ZaNu LiarBore>?
“there was a large element of the exam that tested how politically correct you were.”
There was an even larger element that tested your personality.
Absolute cunt, no wonder you failed then…
@Mr Cat
How many Nelsons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Insert unwitty comment here.
Ah yes, The Nessun Dorma, one of my favourites.
That IS the one where you put right leg in isn’t it?
Khmer Rouge sympathiser, eh? Paul Potts changed lots of things, that’s for sure, but it’s strange that you identify Opera as the most significant one.
I wish one of you lot would tell me what a democracy is so I can pass my citizenshit test and get that operation I’ve been waiting for all these years.
YES to a Jack-Katie date… You are cordially invited to the HYS WEDDING OF THE YEAR (In proper church, none of them forrin religiun!!)
Imagine — the steeple all decked out with Union Jack bunting and a joyous congregation of the HYS royalty with Vicar Topsy Turvey leading the (a)rousing choruses of ‘Rule, Britannia!’ and ‘Land of Hope and Glory’.
Mother-in-law Joy Pattinson is there wearing a suit made of floral material which looks like Plumbs sofa covering circa 1978 and a GIANT hat covered in flowers plucked from the Swiss alps.
Jack and Katie walk down the aisle to ‘Nessun Dorman’
Topsy: Dearly beloved-
ALL: Wot u love everyone? even the men? You are promoting homosexual lifestlye choices like the mayonnaise innit?! It’s PC gone MAD!
*Topsy is set upon by an angry wedding mob*
Joy: Oh dear! The Vicar! Never mind, I can marry you — under Swiss Law anyone whom their canton deems worthy can conduct a wedding. I was going to train to be a vicar, but then the meaningless gulf of existence overwhelmed me with its sheer hatefulness. Joy. Anyway you two at least you are choosing to celebrate your union with a religious blessing — from a proper religion!
Baying crowd: GET ON WITH IT GRANDMA!
Jack: Dearest Katie, I wish for you to become my woman so we can have keep up the rate of trueborn English citizens of our fair island!
Katie: You mean, you want to have an actual conversation?
Jack: Yes, as a prelude to… phwoar… a bit of rumpy-pumpy… oooh ERR!
Katie: Wow - I’ll run my Union Jack up YOUR flagpole any day!
*applause, cheering*
All retire to the weddding disco where Dean Stockton plays Kajagoogoo, which he has ‘hacked from the internet’ until they finish all the Blue Nun and Bacardi Breezers, go out clubbing and kinfecrime each other.
PS I BET YOU DONT DARE PRINT THIS MODS!
Lols.
What I find incredible (and this isn’t stalking) is that if you type in Paul Potts on google then ALL the top returns, including a WIKIPEDIA ENTRY are based around Paul Potts, tenor from Britain’s got talent.
Paul Potts who led the Khmer Rouge, was president of Cambodia and played a key role in a pretty grisly period of history doesn’t even register.
Jesus wept - no wonder people don’t know what democracy is - if they try and find out on the internet they think its about whoever gets the most phone votes wins
Hmmm. Maybe that’s because Pol Pot led the Khmer Rouge. Though Paul Potts might have had something to do with it, we can’t rule it out.
Top work there Princess B!
You forgot the wedding dinner, where they serve ENGLAND’s national dish, chicken tikka masala (no filthy foreign muck for Jack’n'Katie), but waste as much of it as possible in defiance of Gordon Brown. Jack is forced to entertain the guests with his store of hilarious jokes because Bernard Manning hasn’t been answering his phone for ages, they’re not sure why.
The evening ends with a fight breaking out after Jack’s mum tries to introduce herself to Katie, gets Katie’s usual stranger-routine, and promptly decks the forrin who’s gatecrashed the wedding.
You couldn’t make it up. END OF.
Mooska, YES! Imagine… “Taft? Like TAFTghanistan? No speeeky englishy, comprende?”
I can only shudder thinking of the number of GORDON CLOWN references in the Best Man’s speech…
Er… Mr Cat does know that the leader of the Khmer Rouge wasn’t really called Paul Potts, doesn’t he?
Or is this a post-ironic triple bluff of a hilarious joke?
This is what happens when you read to much HYS. Words cease to have any meaning, your eyes begin to bleed and you can’t tell the difference between the congenitally deranged and the slightly confused.
About half an hour late with my witty riposte there. Balls.
hmmm
Perhaps I should have inserted a smiley somewhere there - or finished with END OF!
Then it might have worked
Ah, damnit, it is so hard to tell. And all the time I was typing my response a little voice in my head was going, “don’t type this, he knows really, he is joking, you’re just going to look like a tit …” - yet I ignored it.
Yes, in future, please use END OF!!!! or something similar to signify humour for dumb-arses like me.
you couldn’t make it up!!
I’ll try, but I bet they’ll never dare publish it.
Yeah, you need your wits about you to pass Media Studies GCSE.
I like a bit of the opera, me.
It was so perfect as well - a mix of subjects raised in this very thread all tied in to a neat ball of smugness.
Stalking & internet detectivery, democracy, stupidity, music, cultural genocide… I thought it was a winner on all fronts.
In other news - JOY has a favourite joke….
Something makers her smile (although I’m not sure if its a joke, or a conversation Joy has had)!!!!
Drum roll please ……
Joy indeed.
No no no no - I DO NOT WANT Have Your Say fan fiction. This is not what I ordered.
I think it’s meant to read:
Right up to the elbowy, Phwoar!
All you had to do was pretend, for 60 minutes or so, not to be a racist.
=========================
hahahahahahaha
i enjoyed that