spEak You’re bRanes

Miscellaneous Prats and Plain Weird26 Aug 2008 11:39 am

If You’ve Been Affected By Any Of The Limousines In This Programme

By Nelson

Thanks to the ever generous complaints donor for sending me this one. It was emailed to the BBC, presumably by some tragic bollock who used to watch “That’s Life”.

So the proms season is here,
A chance to celebrate,
15 year old girls in unregulated limos,
Is this something for BBC to debate???

What protection is offered?
Self regulation at best!
But paedophiles are resourceful,
Didn’t self regulation make the internet such mess??

CRB Licensing,
This forced the paedophiles underground,
No authority licensing limo drivers,
Their paradise they have found!!

In the BBC news reel,
The girls appeared to drink Champagne Wine,
Alcohol is often sold with the package,
Selling Alcohol, I thought I needed a Liquor licence that was mine???

When work is up,
Limo drivers appear from the blue,
Some drive bus and lorries all week,
Is this a safe practice to do??

The proprietor and drivers are unlicensed,
This is no joke,
Drug dealers-Rapist- Murderers,
There is no licence to revoke.

Who regulates the vehicles,
Why not ask the BC???
The answer will be silence,
So are they allowed to rome free???

95 Responses to “If You’ve Been Affected By Any Of The Limousines In This Programme”

on 26 Aug 2008 at 11:45 am Kelvin

Let it be shown: there is no difference between organising a thing, and the behaviour of people who are nothing to do with the thing in any way other than driving to it. BBC BAD.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 11:45 am Mr Cat

These are surely the lyrics to Gary Glitter’s planned comeback single.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 11:48 am rhymminging dicktionary

I just stabbed myself in the leg. Unsurprisingly this stabbing is less painful than reading that pile of dung.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 11:49 am Rebel

Add an old Led Zep baseline to that, get some middle class white half wit with a stick on goatee to read that over it whilst affecting a Jamaican accent and the morons of today would make it No. 1!!

You don’t need to make it up!!
on 26 Aug 2008 at 11:50 am Civilian Homosexual

Just imagine if all the HYS comments were written in rhyme?

On second thoughts, don’t. It’s just too hideous. . .
on 26 Aug 2008 at 11:54 am Petpete

I respect that a modicum of effort has been exerted to make this post a little different.
On the other hand, it is a bowl full of stinking, fetid gash soup.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 11:55 am Rhodri Marsden

Cunt.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 11:56 am AndyS

jesus suffering fuck. did this bloke once work for 321?
on 26 Aug 2008 at 11:56 am the BC

*silence*

*tumbleweed*

*more silence*

Oh yeah, and you’re a meerkat’s muff.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 11:57 am Rich (MMath)(Oxon)

Wow. I mean wow.

This chap is incredible. I don’t know what’s worse- the content or the presentation.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:03 pm Alison

Oh seriously, somebody, set this to music!
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:05 pm Mike

I shouldn’t call so many people cunts, because it lessens the impact when someone really deserves it as in this case.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:09 pm shoelace

Isn’t that the b-side to Music 2 Years Isaac Hayes-themed lament for zomboid undead musicians?

Also, why does he want Rome enslaved? What does that have to do with peedos riding limos with champage wine?
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:19 pm shoelace

Also, the BC? Is that like the OC, only with cavemen, limos and peedos?
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:21 pm Oliver

I wonder if whoever wrote this put it together while waiting in the car park of his local Roxy’s.

In between knocking one out into the complimentary bottles of pomagne of course.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:23 pm Paul

This guy sounds familiar…

‘Twas in the year of our Lord two thousand and eight,
That poet William McGonagall didst join the debate
On school prom limo rules and regulations
At the British Broadcasting Corporation.

While the rest of us thought that everything was fine,
Our teenage girls were drinking Champagne Wine
While their drivers, unchecked by the CRB
A great opportunity for rape and paedophilia did see…
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:25 pm DannyBoyB

Hopefully, the niche for poems about peedo limo drivers (and lack of regulation thereof) has now been filled.

Now, has anyone got a haiku about coprophiliac fishmongers?
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:28 pm fritzbun

I just love the idea that anyone who has anything in their lives to do with kids, limos or buses is a paedo by default.

I also really hope this guy took ages composing this, getting out his big-bumper-book-of-bigoted-rhymes to help him.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:31 pm Enzyme

Eh? I mean… EH?
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:32 pm Rod Wrongnob

Such bitterness can only be the result of either a failed job application or instant dismissal for sexual harassment of the passengers.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:41 pm teh fashizzle

Paul, your McGonagall is actually amusing pastiche, unlike the fetid wrongcock’s original post, which was, well, shite.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:43 pm alt-f4

What he’s trying to say is that the BNP are the only party with the GUTS to regulate limos.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:51 pm AndyS

I love selling fish
Although i love playing with
my poo more - mmm poo
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:51 pm Tonymac

I think he’s being too harsh on limo drivers. Looking in the Yellow Pages, there are dozens of reputable limousine companies to call on.

Paul Gadd Chauffers
West and West Family Limousines
Sid Cooke’s Cars

I mean, they all sound trustworthy to me.

Besides, a gang of alcohol-imbued 15-year old girls are more likely to knifecrime the driver to death and impregnate themselves, thus leading to a vicious cycle of drug-taking, spacemining and a new generation of teen thugcunts.

Poetically speaking though, this person’s an absolute swan’s slit.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:52 pm 6k

It’s no such much the fact that he’s ut in a whole load of effort to write a poem about this issue, more the fact that it doesn’t rhyme, scan or make any sodding sense.

Prior to reading this drivel, I had no opinion on unregulated limos. Now - enlightened - I’m all for them.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:56 pm howthedeadlive

I bLame Go(rd)On Brown for these peeddo lie-mousines. my nan who was a nurse in the war mislade her bank book last week and da police did nothing but there happy to let peeddo’s drive round in big luxery cars?!!! last one on the boat switch off da light!!???!!!
on 26 Aug 2008 at 12:59 pm AC, Peebles

Jesus honking Jiminy Cricket on a bike.

They shouldn’t take those drugs and read the Daily Mail. Just look what happens.

You say it was emailed in, I’d really like for it to have been telephoned in.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 1:07 pm Col John Matrix

I took me a while to notice it was supposed to be poetry. I guess I just “don’t get it”.

I’m not convinced that peeedos are as resourceful as these HYS muppets think they are. The most cunning their plans for obtaining access to kiddies to fiddle get seem to be to tell kids that they’re a 10 year old boy/girl in a chat room, or joining the Catholic church.
The HYS people would have you think that peedos are capable of infiltrating any organisation, event or building at any time.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 1:07 pm bigruss

i read the words but it made no sense to me.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 1:11 pm Throbbe

Dear sweet baby Jesus. What would drive someone to spend the time writing that?

Either the author lost their bottom virginity to a rogue limo driver or they actually compose bad poetry about anything that comes into their heads and email it to the BBC. I find both thoughts strangely pleasing*.

So now i view my monitor
and ask myself oh why
this poet is such a canines clunge
hopefully quite soon they’ll die
on 26 Aug 2008 at 1:15 pm Paul D. Waite

Didn’t self regulation make the internet such mess??

With poetry like his on it, it’s sort of hard to disagree.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 1:27 pm Lolly

If there’s one thing I hate, aside from wannabe ‘people’s poets’, it’s when wannabe ‘people’s poets’ force as many words as possible into a line and then rearrange the words so that it rhymes:

“Selling Alcohol, I thought I needed a Liquor licence that was mine???”

AAAARGH. Where’s the metre? What happened to the grammar? TELL ME!

[/end poetry nazi rant]
on 26 Aug 2008 at 1:35 pm Dingleberry Bush

But ‘neath what woodwork lurks the sort,
Of triple-nippled tit,
Who to the BBC doth moan
In poetry this shit?
When thoughts of fiddly-kiddy-crimes,
Doth to your brain arrive;
Who vents their ire in words so dire,
And tumpty-tumpty rhymes?

But worst of all the bastard’s got
Me typing equal nonsense.
So in my unreg’d limo I’ll
Teach his kids ’bout Nonce Sense.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 1:41 pm Steve

I can see this set to music. A demo song from a cheap keyborde would probably fit it quight well.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:10 pm DannyBoyB

@ AndyS, Throbbe and Dingleberry bush - very well done! Sheer, erm… poetry.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:10 pm Jamie

Like a Victorian visiting Bedlam
I look to spEak You’re bRanes
For poorly-thought-out arguments
On bins, or Broon, or trains

It’s tragic yet amusing
To read arguments so absurd
“They’ll lock us up for speeding
Leaving paedos undeterred!”

No doubt they’d kill the Muslims
To win the War on Terror -
So I’m really fucked off when I get
an Internal Server Error.

I’m begging Nelson and his friends
To end my 500 despair
There’s not much else to say except
PUBLISH THIS, BEEB, IF YOU DARE!
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:12 pm setyourfacestostunned

“CRB Licensing,
This forced the paedophiles underground,”

I get The Underground home at night. Is it now safe to do so seeing as it’s full of CRB dodging nU-leer-Score niphecrimer peddaloes?

I’m bricking it, me.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:13 pm Matt

Please supply this person’s contact details so I can find him and insert a limo up his anus.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:13 pm Nelson

Please stop posting “poems”. They make me sad.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:14 pm Kelvin

When Brown is out I’m going to run for office
And show the world that Britain still is GREAT
I’ll rid the streets of immigrants and libruls
And shoot those who support the Nanny State.

No more will Labour tell us our opinions
Their thoughtcrime infiltration’s set to fail
I know the right wing’s time to shine is coming
‘Cause Bushell said so in the Daily Mail

The tax will be repealed on oil and diesel
‘Cause global warming’s nothing but a lie
The money saved, we’ll pay out to flood victims
A new house every time the tide gets high.

Yes, in the hotseat everything is simple
Just like the laws that I seek to enact
No prohibitions, save for things I don’t like
And death to peedoes. SORTED. END OF. FACT.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:17 pm Nelson

Oh Kelvin. Kelvin, Kelvin, Kelvin.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:21 pm Rhinestone Choirboy

I’m a porcupine’s vulva with lots of free time,
To spout on the subjects that bug me in rhyme,
There’s nothing can stop me from speaking my brane
About the potentially lethal combination of unregulated limousines, underage children, alcohol and paedophiles that’s putting our country to shame.

If kids are in limos, a paedo will spawn,
They all want to fuck kids; they give me the horn,
So now that these limos are set for the prom
It’s about time the BBC had a national debate about proper regulation and the inherent dangers of a playground for criminals and perverts, before this all turns into a social time bomb.

I thank you.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:28 pm AndyS

i vote nelson wins. his metonymic use of repetition brings to mind the utter senselessness of the paaedosituation and the lack of clarity provided by Gordon Clown and Zanuliarbore’s charter for nonces and immegrants
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:29 pm shoelace

Can we tackle the real issue, please?

Why does a series of performances of classical music, culminating in a pointless and trite bout of flag-wavery, force children into the wheeled den of iniquitous peedos (limo peedo by night, bus driver by day)?

And why is having two jobs unsafe? Granted it goes without saying if one of the jobs is professional peedo but still, I’d like to know.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:30 pm outragedofbelmarsh

Does he just mean illegal immigrunt knifecriming peedo limo drivers, or are the white indigenous ones OK?
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:51 pm put together wrong

Sorted. Forget ASBO. Just stick the knife loving hoodies in limo’s with the peedos, lock the doors and ta da! Kill several birds with one stone, save money and prevent prison overcrowding. Also, at least we now know where all the peedos are.

Don’t worry - I’m a poet.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 2:58 pm llamafarmer

I took a bus the other day, but I didn’t realise the driver was a part time, unregulated, drug dealing, limo-peedo!

This country!!
on 26 Aug 2008 at 3:57 pm Freddy Two Trousers

“I took a bus the other day”

I hope you put it back when you finished with it.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 4:00 pm Mooska

Nelson’s weary ire is making the poems even funnier. Does having this parent/teacher effect mean he’s a peedo too? Tell me!
on 26 Aug 2008 at 4:03 pm Mr Cat

This thread should be ashamed of itself.

It looks like some people have got carried away with the art of rhyme with tragic consequences.

I suggest people remember this little mantra

Even if you think its fun.
To make a rhyme or share a pun.
You will still look like a complete twunt.
So don’t bother.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 4:19 pm fritzbun

How about a haiku then?

paedo in a limo
waiting at the proms for kids
also drives a bus
on 26 Aug 2008 at 4:24 pm Pam Ayres

I’ve been looking for new material for ages.

Thank you everyone.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 4:35 pm John

“And death to peedoes. SORTED. END OF. FACT.”

Fantastic Kelvin For some reason I can’t help but here the last line spoken in Tony Robinson’s voice.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 4:40 pm Mr Cat

Ahhh

I have a weakness for Hai Ku

And lymerics

There once was a paedo called….

etc
on 26 Aug 2008 at 5:50 pm aSbo bAz

There once was a lad from Bombay,
Who caught the slow boat to Taipei,
He was forced ‘gainst the tiller,
By a randy gorilla,
And it’s a bloody long way to Taipei.

(But it doesn’t matter ‘cos he wuz forrin.)

Relax… I’m racist.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 6:19 pm Mal

All of which ignores the real scandal that children aren’t taught proper prosody in schools these days. What’s wrong with a few paedo teachers if they can beat understanding of how to compose a sonnet (Shakespearean or Petrarchian) into their pupils?
on 26 Aug 2008 at 6:46 pm Roscoe

These stupid paedos and their limo’s. Get yourself an ice-cream van for fuck’s sake, you’re not even trying.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 6:59 pm Lottie

Wow, that is the most nonsensical ‘poem’ I’ve read in a long time…
on 26 Aug 2008 at 8:15 pm Mesostim

The internet is a mess with cunts like him on it… When oh when will Gordon Clown regulate it so we can have a good whinge about the nanny state and freedom.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 8:27 pm jezza innit

….
on 26 Aug 2008 at 8:34 pm jezza innit

……what?

this is the drivel of a man slowly suffocating on deep, satisfying lung-fulls of his own farts.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 8:57 pm Steve BSc (Hons) (St And)

All those 15 year olds I see in limousines, all over the place. Where the fuck do they get the money from? Dirty bitches, probably working the streets at night.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 9:45 pm Adam

Right. First one to compose a sestina about the shocking lack of regulation in the estate rental industry wins a bar of Turkish Delight.
on 26 Aug 2008 at 11:28 pm Things aren't as they used to be

I couldn’t understand what all this business about The Proms, limousines and paedophiles was until I googled it.

Turns out that “The Proms” people here are referring to appears to be a sixth form leaving party. See, when I was in sixth form, we didn’t call it the “prom”, we called it something else, like “the sixth form leaving party”, and we didn’t rent limousines neither.

I feel sad that things have Americanized so much, but also happy at getting a tip to aid me in paedophiling girls next sixth-form-leaving-party-season.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 12:17 am brogan

Has this twat got the BBC’s season of concerts mixed up with wanky schools renaming there leavers disco after some crap yank tradition?
on 27 Aug 2008 at 12:18 am brogan

now i feel like a twat
on 27 Aug 2008 at 1:08 am i would prefer not to

Wasn’t that by John Donne? Or am I thinking of the Brass Eye paedophile special?

God, it feels such a guilty pleasure laughing at these people, part of me feels I should be cowering in the corner whimpering with despair, but it’s just too delicious, isn’t it?

P.S. Enjoyed the verse responses, particularly Dingleberry Bush’s effort. Love the opening couple of lines: “But ‘neath what woodwork lurks the sort/
Of triple-nippled tit”.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 1:15 am tom

Felt I also had to commend Rhinestone Cowboy for shoehorning the phrase “I’m a porcupine’s vulva” into the opening line.

http://thegoldenlatrine.blogspot.com/
on 27 Aug 2008 at 6:02 am misterfricative

Oh seriously, somebody, set this to music!

Sorry, I refuse to set this to music because it is fucking horrible.

And also because I already set this to music instead.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 8:29 am setyourfacestostunned

Relax - just use iambic pentameter.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 9:01 am Jayne

I didn’t even make it to the end, I think I gavomited and then passed out.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 9:32 am Philbert

Wait - if the kids attending these parties are school-leavers, then that means they must be over the age of consent, right? So peeeeeeeedos won’t be interested in them, right?

Gutted.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 10:22 am jezkemp

Has this twat got the BBC’s season of concerts mixed up with wanky schools renaming there leavers disco after some crap yank tradition?

I’m not sure there’s much to add after this. Apart from the mispelling of “their”, and the sad fact it’s all schools not just posh wanky ones, it’s a perfect sentence.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 11:03 am Mr Cat

Sorry, I refuse to set this to music because it is fucking horrible.

And also because I already set this to music instead.

Now that is flippin’ amazing

Deserves to be added somewhere on the site as the anthem/theme tune.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 11:18 am Mal

I didn’t manage to get any further than

“Paedo in a limo,
I know,I know,
It’s cretinous”
on 27 Aug 2008 at 11:45 am Beadle the Beard

There was a young man from St Ives
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp
When asked, “Did it hurt?”
He said, “No, it didn’t.
Thank goodness it wasn’t a hornet.”

Do I win a prize?
on 27 Aug 2008 at 12:00 pm Nelson

Now that is flippin’ amazing

Just curious, but did you think it was “good” amazing? Or “watching someone inject leopardshit into their eye” amazing?
on 27 Aug 2008 at 12:06 pm Mr Cat

Quite liked the cheesy keyboard and stuff.

Didn’t look at the images, just listened. Made me smile.

Is that allowed or does this open me up to being crushed beneath the full weight of your wit?
on 27 Aug 2008 at 12:31 pm Nelson

Definitely the crushing option. I’ll be back when I’ve got something devastating.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 1:08 pm misterfricative

Bugger this leopardshit business. Now I can’t see a fucking thing. That rusty needle probably didn’t help either.

And it seemed like such a good idea at the time.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 1:13 pm speechless with laughter

it’s only a matter of time before some HYS-er opts to communicate their disgust via the medium of mime/dance/opera…seeing as middle england all loves a good bit of amateur panto I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already. Bring on the kack-handed clowns and out-of-tune troubadours, I’m all up for a laugh at their expense.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 1:20 pm Nelson

@misterfricative:

I’m really sorry that I hate it so much.

You could take that as a positive thing though. Most music moves me to little more than indifference, whereas I feel a powerful revulsion towards your song.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 1:23 pm AndyS

Adam. I had to google sestina. i’m a philistine forgive me.

39 lines? with incredibly strict rules on what you can and can’t do? this is some sort of NulABORE wet dream. I don’t need the nanny state to tell me how to use words and stuff innit. You couldn’t make it up! Well I couldn’t, i had to go to bed.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 1:24 pm Dingleberry Bush

I didn’t manage to get any further than

“Paedo in a limo,
I know,I know,
It’s cretinous”
Mal

I bet after you posted this you thought “Will people get that? That’s too obscure, no-one will get it. Now I look like a nob. It’s just sitting there shouting ‘Mal’s a nob’ and I can’t get it back. Shit.”

Well, yes, you do. And Frankly, Mal, I’m worried for your self-esteem after this blantant nob-post. Do you really think you’ll pull through?
on 27 Aug 2008 at 6:21 pm misterfricative

@Nelson:

It’s OK, you’re quite right to hate it because after all, yes, it is crap. One day I will do Good Stuff and this time next year we’ll all be millionaires, but meanwhile I mostly just churn out crap.

Anyway, I blame the guvmint. And furriners. etc etc.

@Mr Cat:

I’m really very pleased that you appreciate the sublime cheesiness of the thing and I should perhaps mention that it was one of your posts wot gave me the idea in the first place, so really it’s ALL YOUR FAULT! True fact!!
on 27 Aug 2008 at 6:37 pm Mal

Now that I’ve achieved nob-hood (or is that knob-hood?)I guess I’m allowed, nay compelled, to post on HYS.

And I though everyone knew The Smiths’ songbook anyway.
on 27 Aug 2008 at 8:34 pm Bill Ingram, Ascot

“get some middle class white half wit with a stick on goatee to read that over it whilst affecting a Jamaican accent and the morons of today would make it No. 1!!”

http://resolve.host.name/Limo_Driver_Man.mp3

(With apologies to King Tubby.)
on 27 Aug 2008 at 11:30 pm i would prefer not to

@Bill

That was sublime. In its original meaning: a mixture of awe and horror.

Reggae and HYS nonsense, maybe we could sell that to the Americans to help psychologically break prisoners?

(Made me laugh bucketloads)
on 28 Aug 2008 at 1:22 am Nelson

@Bill

Now THAT’S the sort of disgraceful bollocks I can get along with.
on 28 Aug 2008 at 9:47 am Mr Cat

No need to apologise I’m sure the fat man would thoroughly approve of that Mr Ingram.

Especially the intonation on “When work is up, Limo drivers appear from the blue” and the croak on “paedophiles underground”
on 28 Aug 2008 at 12:11 pm Kelvin

One more musical abomination and we’ve got enough for one of them iPodcastings.
on 28 Aug 2008 at 9:30 pm Queefnugget

Watch the putrid turd,
Reeking like the fish I sell,
Sliding down my throat.
on 29 Aug 2008 at 9:43 am Bo

Bill Ingram, you have made my week.
on 01 Sep 2008 at 1:37 pm Walton Twald

Why is he worrying about the teenagers? the teens are DEFINITELY going to get boozed up and get their knives out on him, after all ALL youths of today are involved in violent knife crime and happy slapping. I say protect the drivers, their lives are in danger
on 01 Sep 2008 at 2:12 pm Fresh, WALES (UK or not UK)

I want to be a limo driver.

"If you love Afghanistan so much..
why don't you go live there?"

95 Responses to “If You’ve Been Affected By Any Of The Limousines In This Programme”

About

Search

Tags

Archives

Pages

spEak You’re bRanes

"If you love Afghanistan so much.. why don't you go live there?"

95 Responses to “If You’ve Been Affected By Any Of The Limousines In This Programme”

About

Search

Tags

Archives

Pages

"If you love Afghanistan so much..
why don't you go live there?"