spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Erik. Normally, when there’s news in an obscure country, like Finland or Sweden, or France, long-suffering Have Your Sayers are forced to regurgitate what little they know about it and bulk the rest out with rage and fabrication:

Hey, don’t knock the Finns! Finland is a lovely socialist, feminist paradise where everyone pays high taxes to support everyone else who lives off the state and happiness is Prozac-shaped. Harriet Harman wants the same for us here and if NuLab win the next election, she’s going to get it.

Kat, Exeter

But, every now and again, there’s cause for celebration and some innocent people get slaughtered using SOMETHING YOU ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT:

This pistol looks like the Walther P22 with the long barrel. I also have this gun but mine has the standard barrel I remember it was one of the two pistols used by the Chinese student who killer a large number of people about two years ago. The cost of ammo for this gun is very low,
going to the firing range you can shoot 500 rounds for about $10. My Walther PPKS is a 38 cal, four rounds from that gun cost $1, so I use the P22 for keeping my eye in and fire the PPKS only a few times just to lube it.

I am surprised that the P22 has been able to cause so many deaths although if using the rifle ammo like I do it has a bigger charge in the longer casing and can be purchased in hollow piont as well. This must have been the ammo that was used by the man who killed his family and animals last month.

If I tell people I have a .22 cal pistol over here they just laugh and even laugh at the .38 cal as well. So obviously it is all talk that the .22 cal is a toy.

I purchased mine for wild dogs.

james ex pat, Albany USA

You know most people just purchase Razzle for “wild dogs”.

I’m ludicrously busy and not here so it might go a bit quiet. Me brother has admin so he could login and publish stuff if he wanted. He probably doesn’t though. Back in a week or so. Remember, stay safe online and don’t give your phone number to paedos.

Should ecstacy be downgraded to class B?

Dear Sirs:

I do not think that ecstasy should be lowered to a class “B” drug. There have been deaths in the past and will occur again in the future. Parents have been in the media advising, tearfully, against the use of the drug, only after having lost a loved one. In my opinion any form of mind bending drugs are very dangerous to the human body. I believe that drugs for the use in social and pleasure are a sure sign of a breakdown in Society!

Yours faithfully,

Peter Brake
Peter Brake, Christchurch/Dorset

Don’t worry Peter, pills ain’t what they used to be and nobody uses them for pleasure any more. The best you can hope for is a hot flush and a slight headache. It’d be right up your street actually. You could neck a couple every morning instead of putting on those horsehair knickers.

Thanks to Izzy. Gordon Brown’s speech. Your views?

to be honest i dont care anymore, no matter how much we moan how much this country actually hates labout we will never be able to push them out, they will decide when the election is and nit us, so i just laught now, bleed me dry and penalise me for not being a muslim for not being gay and for not being a pregnant junckie because lets face it these groups get everything from this lot, i just laught as karma is a wonderful thing
[acrobatickenny1], scotland

I’ve said this a thousand times, but all you need to do is put some fucking effort in. Stop bleating about being a poor, neglected, non-Muslim, straight male. Convert to Islam or suck another man’s cock and you too can claim fifty grand a year and a free X-box.

RADIO 2 – STEVE WRIGHT
“Yet again, Steve Wright has been giving the temperature in celsius. This is a non-English term and should not be used on the BBC.”

There’s actually something comforting about your impotent rage.

RADIO 4 – ALAN SILLITOE
“The programme was inappropriate as it gave an idea on how to start fires and I live beside a lot of trees.”

Fuck! Normally I can laugh and dismiss you people as self-absorbed gits but I actually live beside a couple of trees myself.

RADIO 4 – THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
“There are too many Muslim contributors on the programme.”

And we all know that, no matter what a Muslim might say on Radio4, he/she is really thinking “Hmmm, I can’t remember if I’ve still got half a tin of tomatoes in the fridge but I don’t want to go to Morrisons on the way home because I’d have to get off two stops early and it might rain, and I’ve got my laptop with me so I don’t want to get wet and I wonder if I should explode after lunch?”.

RADIO 4 – TODAY PROGRAMME
“I would like John Humphrys to explain what the effect would be if someone flew over the centre of a hurricane 200 miles clear of land and dropped a one megaton air-burst atom bomb down the centre. I would like this to be made into a discussion on the programme.”

If anyone knows, John Humphrys knows.

BBC NEWS AT TEN
“I am sick of hearing American news. If it’s not Barack Obama campaigning it is some storm that doesn’t even materialise. I want to hear what is going on in the United Kingdom.”

Same old. Everybody’s whining about shit.

BBC NEWS CHANNEL
“A majority of male reporters on the BBC News channel are under-dressed. They should be forced to wear a shirt and tie.”

And tied to the newsreading chair. You’d like that wouldn’t you eh? Yes you would. Dirty girl.

BREAKFAST (TV)
“During the item on eating shell fish there was no health warning given. This is extremely dangerous, especially with the amount of radioactivity in the sea.”

Not to mention the difficulty breathing while you’re down there.

MASTERCHEF: THE PROFESSIONALS
“Greg Wallace is just a glorified greengrocer and he is not qualified to present a programme like this, I will not be watching as I think he is a big drip.”

Fair enough.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
“The contestants are not clever at all, all they do is regurgitate knowledge but I think in any other situation in life they would struggle. I would like to see a programme examining how they cope in everyday life as I think they are socially inept.”

Yeah! Let’s see them be as socially skilled as you eh? You’d show them! Then they wouldn’t be so high and mighty would they? YOU’D BE THE LEAST SOCIALLY INEPT. Finally, the world would have to recognise that you’re “OK”.

NEWS GENERAL
“The news reporting on the BBC is totally bias as there has been no mention of the upturn in the housing market, its just all doom and gloom.”

Are you one of those cunts that thinks a “stock ticker” applet is useful? You could stare at it all day and smile whenever it’s going up and frown when it’s going down.

Thanks to my mate Dave for finding this in The Sun.

Modern technology is brilliant. Not only can you buy “food that resembles chicken” and “posters of the Mona Lisa”, I’ve heard that you can get these inflatable women who look 10% less disappointed after you’ve humped them.

Did you know that a group of Israelis developed a special programme that detects online discussions about Israel, for example on the new lady Prime Minister, and then alerts people with broken space-bars:

You are naive if you think that his conflict is about territory because it isnt.here is a quote by Muhamed Amin al-Husayni,a palestinian leader who helped the Nazis in WW2:”Arabs, rise as one man and fight for your sacred rights. Kill the Jews wherever you find them. This pleases God, history, and religion. This saves your honor.”You want Israel to give them a country?

Israeli man, Israel

What about the Israeli woman who helped the terrorist in ‘V for Vendetta’, stole Julia Roberts’ boyfriend and then BORE DARTH VADER’S CHILDREN?

You think it matters who runs Israel? Build more settlements; infiltrate the US government: That’s the objective. Doesn’t matter who stands at the podium.

Conor O’Malley, Chicago, United States

It’s worse than that. Now that every presidential hopeful pledges unconditional support for Israel before they even have their stars-and-stripes lapel-pin on, the Jews are actually infiltrating world governments at weekends just to keep their hand in.

I prefer a woman leading a government than a man and Golda Meir did a good job, Margaret Thatcher was screwed by her own party, but was an excellent ambassador for our country, Benazir Bhutto thought she could rule unruly men and was assassinated, and nepotism raised its ugly head in Pakistan. So why not give it a go with this woman. Women don’t make war. Men do. Hillary would be good for America but isn’t getting the chance and would have Bill behind her. I give up on male politicians. Joy

Joy Pattinson, ROLLE, Switzerland

I have a feeling that when Joy Pattinson wrote this, not only did she not mention Tzipi Livni, she also didn’t think about Tzipi Livni. We need more people like Joy in government.

I note the way the BBC twists things around in its endless anti-Israeli propaganda by its choice of vocabulary and expression. Instead of writing ” Livni is the first woman Prime Minister in 30 years”, how about Israel has yet again got a woman Prime Minister, which most countries couldn’t even consider, they’re so backward! Also instead of describing her as a former Mossad agent, the BBC prefers the word spy.

Please remind me is the BBC a Western news agency or has it sold out to the Arabs?

Livni fan, Paris

Maybe the BBC should have made it clearer by writing “GOLDA WOMAN LIVNI BACKWARDS ARABS BACKWARDS BOOM” in big letters.

Can wotsit re-energise thingy or something?

“mods – why was this comment rejected?
I do not believe that this comment breaks any of the forum rules
[Locutus_of_Borg], St. Davids Pembrokeshire, United Kingdom ”

Locutus – they frequently abuse their power in this way. And they haven’t got the decency to explain why, either.

(Bet this one gets rejected!!)
[Quartus45], Bradley Stoke

It makes me want to spit. Winston Churchill and Enoch Powell didn’t fight in Flanders fields just so that half your whining could be judged too boring to be published on a site dedicated to boring whining.

Tell you what, squire, tell you what’s got me peppering me kecks. That CERN malarkey up in Sweden. Or is it Swaziland. They press a button, literally press a button, and IT BLOWS THE WHOLE WORLD UP. What kind of idiot thought that was a good idea then? Clearly not a religious one:

this experiment is a complete waste of time. we cannot destroy the whole earth, only God can.
Grace, London

Part of me hopes they succeed in the experiment you think they’re trying to perform, because the mental image of you hurtling through the void still clinging to your life-size crucifix is so endearing.

Why was this ‘built’ underground? Simple, it does not exist. It’s a big con.

It’s the same reason India/Pakistan allegedly conducted nuclear explosions underground simply because they never happened in the first place. Why? Because nuclear bombs don’t exist and they never have existed. FACT!

Hollywood and the people behind Hollywood (the rich elite race) came up with the propoganda to fool the ‘Sheople’. They’ll keep taking your money though to fund their lavish lifestyles.

Philip Coalman

Everything “built” underground is a lie, it’s true. The Bakerloo, Central and Northern lines are all ficticious and water is brought to your taps by Enchanted Cats (with buckets). Don’t ever dig a hole deeper than 9 foot, in case you break through into Shangri-La and Madame Blavatsky curses you to only ever spout bollocks. Believe me, I know.

By the way, anyone wondering who he means when he blames everything on “the rich elite race” I’m pretty sure it’s not the jews, so don’t go calling him an anti-semite, OK?

if it proves that there is no god and religion can finally be exposed as the fraudulent war mongering pointless activity it really is; then it can only be a good thing.

i doubt this will be published because it’s not a bbc/labour approved thought AND i doubt if they DO prove the universe was created by science, not god, “the powers that be” won’t let something like that out will they now?

THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW!!
badger fruit, resistance hq, United Kingdom

Richard Dawkins, it’s an honour to see you posting on HYS.

Sorry but this LHC is a pile of rubbish the been working and saying this for years and were still here its Nazi realy the idea of i dnt now lets see BLOWING UP THE WORLD they shud be straight jacketed or some thing really im 14 in year 10 and it going round my school hazelwick pupils a going mad i dnt think it the best of ideas who wants to blow up no really answer me that wat ever this is it should be blown up not a big bang how ever the world started it finished so there you go frm a 14 yr old
chelsea age 14, Crawley uk

When Chelsea isn’t writing rebuttals to All Of Science, she can be found drawing hearts and pictures of polar bears where her Maths homework should be. And her English homework. Especially her English homework.

If this experiment can open doors to other dimensions for us, wouldn’t it lets beings from other dimensions invade our one? If this is true shouldnt we wait untill we are equiped with more developed weapons before we experiment?
Liam, Brighton

It’s worse than you think, Liam. Nuclear bombs have been proven not to exist, so our weapons aren’t even as developed as we think they are. If I were you I’d kiss my ass goodbye and hide under my Deep Space 9 duvet. You might just have time for one last wank over Seven of Nine.

Thanks to Stewart, Catherine, Mary Ann and Ben for spotting these logical black holes.

Old stuff that has languished in my box.

RADIO 2 – NEWS BULLETINS
“I feel that mentioning homosexuals and condoms throughout the day repeatedly in the news is sordid and distasteful. I do not wish to hear this kind of thing on the station. The BBC needs to remember that about 90% of the population is straight.”

RADIO 4 – SATURDAY LIVE
“I thought the item on the old women who thought she had bought a hand massager but actually bought a dildo was excellent. I was laughing so hard I had to pull the car off the road.”

NEWSROUND
“There was an item in the programme which had someone jumping about in a church and putting his foot on a cross. This was setting a very bad example to children.”

ROYAL ASCOT
“I found the fashion correspondent Julia Bradbury to be very common. She was talking about ‘boobs’.”

WIMBLEDON 2008
“I feel that the BBC should make some strong comments in relation to the competitors grunting and groaning during play, which I feel is totally unnecessary.”