Half Camel, Half Spider, Half MRSA
By AlexFrom the Daily Mail: A paratrooper brings home a giant man-eating spider which kills the family dog. Note that the Camel Spider as reported on by the Daily Mail bears little resemblance to the rather cute Camel Spider that exists in real life.
The article say both.
1)It is venomous but would not kill you.
2)Infact they have no venom.So which one is it. Does it or does it not have venom.
James, london
You see, this initially seems intelligent, but then you realise James from London is attempting to glean consistent and accurate scientific information from the Daily Mail.
This dog is victim of Bush and Tony( The Griminals War).
Rachel, Taunton
Damn you Bush and Tony! If it wasn’t for you, nobody would ever even go to Afghanistan, let alone come back, and these foul creatures wouldn’t even exist!
That’s all we need is another insect that can kill animals! what else is being brought back ? They will have to start decontaminating the troops to make sure nothing - much worse - is being brought in as we have enough with MRSA and the like we don’t need anything more especially something as small as a spider.
Allan, Somerset
It’s all a plot by the Taliban. The troops carry the spiders, the spiders bite the dogs, the dogs lick MRSA and then lick your face, and finally, you smile at your children and they get special Taliban MRSA. You couldn’t make it up!
36 Responses to “Half Camel, Half Spider, Half MRSA”
How long until are communist government evicts this decent indiginus woman perminently and has these spiders living on benefits pushing up the prise of mortgidges?
*SMACK* How
*SMACK* many
*SMACK* FUCKING
*SMACK* times
*SMACK* do I
*SMACK* have
*SMACK* to tell you?
*SMACK* Spiders
*SMACK* are
*SMACK* not
*SMACK* FUCKING
*SMACK* INSECTS!
[cleans up the blood and hides the body...]
Oh, and I think I’d rather be infected with MRSA and bitten by a camel spider than have to live in the same country as Allan from Somerset. Can’t we infect Afghanistan with him?
“She has left out traps and plates of raw mince in the bedroom. The meat has been devoured, but so far the spider has managed to escape.”
So what they are doing is feeding it…
Don’t they realise a proper steak tartare has egg too? No wonder this spider is angry. Would it kill them to rustle up a few capers?
That’s no spider, it’s a disguised member of the unwashed poor. He’s squatting in her army home, hiding in her son’s underwear (probably a paedophile) and killing her dog for meat.
Spider that bit the dog
That swallowed the cat
That caught the rat
That had a shat
That couldn’t get a mortgage on the house that Tony and Clown built.
“Bank”
What’s a griminal? No, really, I want to know. Are they on cbeebies?
Griminals have knobbly knees and turned out toes and poisonous warts at the end of their nose.
So they leave out raw mince to catch a spider, which is subsequently devoured - but obviously not by the dog. Then the dog, with no signs of being bitten by a spider that has no venom and therefore could only kill a dog if it WAS bitten and left to get infected, becomes ill with severe abdominal pains and dies.
Now obviously as the family of mongs point out, this must be because the spider is in fact one of those Spittingcobrasaurs from Jurassic Park and fired a shot of lethal venom that killed the dog. Couldn’t be more obvious.
It’s not even a spider… there, I said it. The one in the article obviously identity thefted a spider as ‘camel spider’ is a misnomer.
You couldn’t make it up. Except they did.
And it didn’t kill the dog either, the dog just happened to die around the same time as the evul immigrunt insect appeared. Typical Daily Mail, one dog dies and they blame it on the forrunerz.
Relax, I’m a scorpion.
Attempting to glean accurate information from the Mail just shows a lack of experience. Reading “not venomous enough to kill humans” as simply “not venomous” demonstrates a more developed level of stupidity.
I like how the mum has tucked her jeans into her socks to prevent the evil intruder from scurrying up her leg and biting her mimsy! I also love the mouse traps and raw mince, but it’s this line that takes the cake:
She said: “My son Ricky was in my bedroom looking for his underwear and he went into the drawer under my bed and something crawled across his hand.”
Gold!
Oh and this is clearly the work of superevil, shape-shifting Talibans. It’s probably on its way to blow up their local Morrisons as we speak!
A griminal is the offspring of a Gruffalo.
FACT11″!
“My son Ricky was in my bedroom looking for his underwear and he went into the drawer under my bed and something crawled across his hand.”
Why was HIS underwear under YOUR bed???
She’d forgot to switch off her ‘Randy Rabbit’ before putting it away in the drawer?
“Mrs Griffiths, 37, thinks the hairy, sandy-coloured spider is nesting in Cassie’s bedroom.”
Half of Essex has seen Cassie’s hairy, sandy-coloured spider.
Yeah, right.
yes officer, it had huge bulbous eyes and appeared above us and no matter whether we went N, NE, SW, E, W or waited until thorin started singing about gold we couldn’t escape it.
And
Ah, yes, the Griminals War; I studied this for A-level politics. It’s a conflict between the once peacful Griminals/Gruffalos and the savage Trogladytes. If I remember correctly, “Bush” and “Tony” (assumed names - and rumoured once-lovers) are the leaders of said factions, and are fueling the war over the much-disputed planet Sigma B-12, which is rich in essential vitamins and conviniently situated near a good Indian take-away.
Won’t someone think of the children!!1!eleven!
And just for the record, I’d have twatted the spider with a spade.
“Bush and Tony” sound a bit like solicitors.
Trust lawyers to kill a family dog.
Gold. Gold!
Always believe in your sooooo-hooooooleee,
You’ve got the power to know,
You’re in-de-structa-bohhhh,
Like a dirty great immigrant spider what eats dogs.
Gold.
Sorry, I clearly meant “Gold” at the end there, rather than Gold.
“Gold”.
Where can I get a camel spider (without going to a war zone) ? I will call it Amy, treat it very well, and train it to attack HYSers so they slowly dissolve from the inside out and want to die of the shame of having MRSA. Am giddy with the thought of it. To think I wanted to get ferrets!!1!! FACT.
Relax - I support the PDSA.
I’ll file you under ‘Slow Readers’. There’s a recipe right at the top of the page.
“That’s all we need is another insect that can kill animals! what else is being brought back ?”
Radioactive mutant flesh-eating bacteria that can’t be detetected by any kwnown tests and resistant to all known decontaminants. Worse than MRSA, far, far worse. In the early stages of infection the patient shows no outward signs of illness. As the bacteria spreads througout the brain tissue the victim becomes prone to horrifying visions that provoke prolonged outbursts of random violence chartacterised by extreme brutality. In the later stages of the infection patients develop an insatiable desire for human flesh, driven in part by psychological distress caused by the loss of their own decaying flesh which by this time is dropping off in evil-smelling highly infectious lumps.
It’s ok, relax - I’m a Doctor.
…but in a war they will side with the insects
I read this story, with identical quotes, in a Metro roughly 3 weeks ago. It’s good to know that as well as as all its other faults, it doesn’t even have its own stories.
Fuckers
Apparently Daily Mail grief athletes don’t even feel the need to confine themselves to humans.
You expect me to talk?
No Mr Bond, I expect Pakistan to turn into militant, extremist chaos now.
Naughtyhippo: you realise that the Metro is published by Associated Newspapers, a subsidiary of the Daily Mail?
Why is it that I can read whole screeds of right wing bollocks and only become mildly irritated, but as soon as someone refers to spiders as insects, I get really angry?
They’re fucking not fucking insects you fuck! They’re fucking arachnids! Aaargh!
I realise I have totally over-reacted.
I should point out that Camel Spiders are not in fact spiders.
[Waits to see if Ben does a self-suicide with rage]
Ah but they are still arachnida so that’s close enugh can’t expect many people to know about solpugids.