spEak You're bRanes

Homos, Dildos, Heretics, Grunting and Boobs

22 Responses to “Homos, Dildos, Heretics, Grunting and Boobs”

1. on 18 Sep 2008 at 4:31 pm   andys
   
   

   The BBC needs to remember that about 100% of 90% of the population that is straight but complains about the gays being mentioned on telly want nothing more than a big cock up their arse but are too afraid to admit it

2. on 18 Sep 2008 at 5:33 pm   Buffy Truntington
   
   

   “Homos, Dildos, Heretics, Grunting and Boobs”

   A fine old London Law Firm. Father used then for that embarassment with one of the scullery maids in ’63. Wonderfully discrete. I went to school with Charles Dildos Minor.

3. on 18 Sep 2008 at 5:38 pm   Col John Matrix
   
   

   “I feel that mentioning homosexuals and condoms throughout the day repeatedly in the news…”

   I’ve got a mental image of newreaders repeatedly shouting out “HOMOS!” and “CONDOMS!” at random intervals during the broadcasts. Kind of like a loony-lefty BBC tourettes.

   “And in other news, the Queen opened up a “HOMOS!” new specialist childcare wing at “CONDOM!” a London hospital this morning. Now over to Trevor “HOMOS!” with the weather.

4. on 18 Sep 2008 at 6:38 pm   Misanthropes for Jesus
   
   

   Indeed…less of these common harlots and their mention of boobs. From now on the BBC should stick to referring to: chebs, funbags, cherry bakewells, devil’s dumplings, hooters, melons and joss ackland’s spunky backpacks…

5. on 18 Sep 2008 at 6:51 pm   brokeback britain
   
   

   as a homo I’m offended by the implication that I use condoms

6. on 18 Sep 2008 at 7:16 pm   domino
   
   

   I actually listened to that old-lady-with-a-vibrator story. It was indeed hysterical, especially the bit where she was trying to explain to her GP how she eased her arthritic hands in the morning.

7. on 18 Sep 2008 at 8:05 pm   Bit Special
   
   

   I used to work in advertising and for my sins, wrote various bollocks for catalogues. In the Boots one, I had to write about ‘personal massagers’ (for sports or relaxation). I still have the email where the rep instructed me that (and I quote), ’90% of these items are bought as sex aids BUT ON NO ACCOUNT must your text make reference to this. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, please make subtle reference to their sensual potential so that people can infer that they would be suitable for giving intimate satisfaction’.

   W to the T to the F?

   I longed to then submit THIS: ‘Boots Sports Relax Pro 5000* – when you’re tired and aching from being on the go, reach for the… oh look, just get yourself down Ann Summers, you pathetic Widdecombe-alike! Their ones are pink and spangly and go inside you and everything! Just give up all this ‘I need it for my lumbago crap’! You’re fooling NO-ONE!

   NO-ONE.

   Now only 24.99. Is included in our special 3 for 2 Xmas Gifts Offer.’

   Incidentally, I’d love there to be none stop talk of condoms and gays and indeed boobs on the telly all day. Certainly more interesting than bank collapses, sport, knifecriming, and mundane local crime. Though not more interesting than that Fritzl psycho. Can’t he get his own show? DIY SOS is in dire need of an overhaul, after all**.

   *Or whatever they call ‘em.
   **I feel a bit guilty about that joke now… oh, sod it.

8. on 18 Sep 2008 at 8:08 pm   Spazzer
   
   

   The thought of languishing in Nelson’s box is turning me on

9. on 18 Sep 2008 at 8:14 pm   Wonderboy
   
   

   The grunting and groaning during ladies tennis was probably me, i tend to cry a lot when wanking…

10. on 18 Sep 2008 at 8:23 pm   mildred
    
    

    tears of joy or sorrow?

    relax, i’m a nurse

11. on 18 Sep 2008 at 8:23 pm   around
    
    

    “I found the fashion correspondent Julia Bradbury to be very common. She was talking about ‘boobs’.”

    People still use ‘common’ as a term of derision?

    Jesus christ I need a lie down.

12. on 18 Sep 2008 at 9:07 pm   Rhinestone Choirboy
    
    

    Whether you’re in a convent or the Lib Dems, without homos, dildos, heretics, grunting and boobs it just isn’t a proper party.

13. on 18 Sep 2008 at 9:21 pm   Kelvin
    
    

    People still use ‘common’ as a term of derision?

    From a brief perusal of The Facebook, I can tell you that 90% of people now use it as a tragic malapropism for “come on.”

14. on 18 Sep 2008 at 11:57 pm   Bo
    
    

    Noone emails anymore. Just common MyFace

15. on 19 Sep 2008 at 8:46 am   alt-f4
    
    

    RADIO 2 – NEWS BULLETINS
    “I feel that mentioning homosexuals and condoms throughout the day repeatedly in the news is sordid and distasteful. Yesterday I was shocked when I found myself questioning my own sexuality, and actually wondered what it would be like to suck another man’s cock the way a woman does. The BBC need to remember that about 10% of their customers are not cock-suckers.”

    RADIO 4 – SATURDAY LIVE
    “I thought the item about the woman who bought a dildo was excellent. I was so hard I had to pull the car off the road and have a quick wank.”

    NEWSROUND
    “There was an item in the programme about homosexuals and condoms. This was sordid and distasteful and a very bad example to children.”

    ROYAL ASCOT
    “I found the fashion correspondent Julia Bradbury to be very common. She was talking about ‘boobs’ within earshot of the horses.”

    WIMBLEDON 2008
    ““I feel that the BBC should make some strong comments in relation to the competitors grunting and groaning during play, which I feel is totally unnecessary and they only do it to annoy people.”

16. on 19 Sep 2008 at 11:26 am   Rich(MMath)(Oxon)
    
    

    “I feel that the BBC should make some strong comments in relation to the competitors grunting and groaning during play, which I feel is totally unnecessary.”

    Does a grunt count as a strong comment? Because they might just be making strong comments of disapproval at each other’s grunting…

17. on 19 Sep 2008 at 12:21 pm   but shirley...
    
    

    …A vibrator is a perfectly good hand massager?Its basically a prosthetic penis after all and I regularly massage my hand with my penis and find it intensely relieving.

18. on 19 Sep 2008 at 12:47 pm   Disgustipated
    
    

    WIMBLEDON 2008
    “I feel that the BBC should make some strong comments in relation to the competitors grunting and groaning during play, which I feel is totally unnecessary.”
    

    They do already. I distinctly remeber that Mcenroe chap commentating on the 3rd-round Sharipova match, here’s a little transcrpit:

    Mcenroe – Fuck, that Russian spunk-bucket grunts like a fucking man. That shit gives me the horn. Fuck me, she needs to be taught a lesson.

    Boris Becker – Hell yeah. I could do some serious damage to that! Mate, I’d do everything to her. Fuck, I’d wreck that chick. Seriously.

    They made strong comments, which I feel is totally unnecessary. FACT.

19. on 19 Sep 2008 at 12:48 pm   Disgustipated
    
    

    Balls.

20. on 19 Sep 2008 at 1:37 pm   Rod Wrongnob
    
    

    RADIO 2 – NEWS BULLETINS
    “I feel that mentioning homosexuals and condoms throughout the day repeatedly in the news is sordid and distasteful. I do not wish to hear this kind of thing on the station.”

    You do know it’s only Radio 2 that does this? Market research has shown that a large segment of the Radio 2 audience loves nothing better than having homosexual condoms shoved down their throats all day, so it’s official station policy to mention them as often as possible.

    Try a different station once in a while, you dozy cow. On Radio 3 it’s all whips and chains.

21. on 21 Sep 2008 at 8:01 pm   Hotblack Desiato
    
    

    Homos, Dildos, Heretics, Grunting & Boobs: aren’t they a Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich tribute band?

22. on 22 Sep 2008 at 11:04 pm   Brokeback Britain
    
    

    Reading HYS comments make me as angry as this guy

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mz1nQEQ6UAQ