RADIO 2 – STEVE WRIGHT
“Yet again, Steve Wright has been giving the temperature in celsius. This is a non-English term and should not be used on the BBC.”
There’s actually something comforting about your impotent rage.
RADIO 4 – ALAN SILLITOE
“The programme was inappropriate as it gave an idea on how to start fires and I live beside a lot of trees.”
Fuck! Normally I can laugh and dismiss you people as self-absorbed gits but I actually live beside a couple of trees myself.
RADIO 4 – THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
“There are too many Muslim contributors on the programme.”
And we all know that, no matter what a Muslim might say on Radio4, he/she is really thinking “Hmmm, I can’t remember if I’ve still got half a tin of tomatoes in the fridge but I don’t want to go to Morrisons on the way home because I’d have to get off two stops early and it might rain, and I’ve got my laptop with me so I don’t want to get wet and I wonder if I should explode after lunch?”.
RADIO 4 – TODAY PROGRAMME
“I would like John Humphrys to explain what the effect would be if someone flew over the centre of a hurricane 200 miles clear of land and dropped a one megaton air-burst atom bomb down the centre. I would like this to be made into a discussion on the programme.”
If anyone knows, John Humphrys knows.
BBC NEWS AT TEN
“I am sick of hearing American news. If it’s not Barack Obama campaigning it is some storm that doesn’t even materialise. I want to hear what is going on in the United Kingdom.”
Same old. Everybody’s whining about shit.
BBC NEWS CHANNEL
“A majority of male reporters on the BBC News channel are under-dressed. They should be forced to wear a shirt and tie.”
And tied to the newsreading chair. You’d like that wouldn’t you eh? Yes you would. Dirty girl.
BREAKFAST (TV)
“During the item on eating shell fish there was no health warning given. This is extremely dangerous, especially with the amount of radioactivity in the sea.”
Not to mention the difficulty breathing while you’re down there.
MASTERCHEF: THE PROFESSIONALS
“Greg Wallace is just a glorified greengrocer and he is not qualified to present a programme like this, I will not be watching as I think he is a big drip.”
Fair enough.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
“The contestants are not clever at all, all they do is regurgitate knowledge but I think in any other situation in life they would struggle. I would like to see a programme examining how they cope in everyday life as I think they are socially inept.”
Yeah! Let’s see them be as socially skilled as you eh? You’d show them! Then they wouldn’t be so high and mighty would they? YOU’D BE THE LEAST SOCIALLY INEPT. Finally, the world would have to recognise that you’re “OK”.
NEWS GENERAL
“The news reporting on the BBC is totally bias as there has been no mention of the upturn in the housing market, its just all doom and gloom.”
Are you one of those cunts that thinks a “stock ticker” applet is useful? You could stare at it all day and smile whenever it’s going up and frown when it’s going down.
58 Responses to “Morning Colonel!”
I’m going to mildly curious about that nuke-in-a-hurricane thing for the rest of the day. Does anyone have John Humphrys’ mobile number?
I would like John Humphreys to investigate the effects of dropping Baroness Thatcher into Wookey Hole and then setting fire to the Daily Mail building. I would like this to be made into a gameshow.
I’m suprised that with all the mindless parrots droppings of dross spouted by Steve Wright anyone was listening hard enough to hear what temperature units he was using. Congratulations that person for being a vacuous achitinias spunk bucket.
And you try getting a cubit of fine linen or a bushel of potatoes nowadays. Marks and Spencer look at you like you are mad. It’s all a Jewish conspiracy. You couldn’t make it up.
To check your shellfish is edible just turn all the lights off. If it glows in the dark don’t eat it. Simple.
MASTERCHEF: THE PROFESSIONALS
“Greg Wallace is just a glorified greengrocer and he is not qualified to present a programme like this, I will not be watching as I think he is a big drip.”
think im going to kill myself, i shouted this at the tv the other night
“I would like John Humphreys to investigate the effects of dropping Baroness Thatcher into Wookey Hole and then setting fire to the Daily Mail building. I would like this to be made into a gameshow.”
Finally, a gameshow where everybody wins!
Great idea. You’re in your boat and you’ve endured the worst a hurricane has to throw at you, waves, water and destruction, and now you’re in the eye of the storm. You think you can have a breather, get your shit together, but then some cunt drops a nuke on you.
But seriously, I doubt it would have any effect at all. Hurricanes are BIG.
does that mean their currently naked?
To be fair I can think of much worse things to call that fat, bald, ignorant speccy twat who seems incapable of eating with a fork without making me feel physically sick but I won’t as that would lower me to the level of some of the HYSers.
I totally can’t stop thinking about John Humphreys deliver his explanation whilst riding a nuclear missile a la dr strangelove.
RADIO 4 – TODAY PROGRAMME
“I would like John Humphrys to explain what the effect would be if someone flew over the centre of a hurricane 200 miles clear of land and dropped a one megaton air-burst atom bomb down the centre. I would like this to be made into a discussion on the programme.”
If anyone knows, John Humphrys knows.
I would like John Humprhys to explain what would happen if, like, Superman flew straight down the spout of a tornado and then, like, flew upwards, turning the tornado inside out. And then we dropped a hydrogen bomb on it.
“The programme was inappropriate as it gave an idea on how to start fires and I live beside a lot of trees.”
Did it present a more obvious idea than using a match?
“celsius [...] is a non-English term”
Better not tell him where Fahrenheit came from then.
[shields self from spittle and exploding brain matter]
to be fair, he’s better than that fat tongued cunt John Torrode, who can’t eat a forkful of food without sticking his tongue halfway down his fucking chin. Cunt.
University of Life, your starter for ten is to make lively chit-chat with the barman as he pours your drinks. No, I’m afraid that’s not quite condescending enough, I’m going to pass it over to the School of Hard Knocks.
“to be fair, he’s better than that fat tongued cunt John Torrode, who can’t eat a forkful of food without sticking his tongue halfway down his fucking chin. Cunt.”
This is the same TV genre that gives us Gary Rhodes, Ainsley Harriott and Delia Smith. Send them all to Wookey Hole, wait for the tornado, and drop Thatcher and a nuke on the lot of them.
But only the GOOD news mind, like the current UPTURN in the HOUSING MARKET.
Talking of fat tongued cunts:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1724403.ece
“… and I’ve already phoned up three times to complain. Why hasn’t the BBC changed the country to fit in with my out-dated and archaic opinions? I would change it myself, of course, but I am already in my pyjamas…”
I think the most perturbing aspect of that report is the way that the Sun felt compelled to refer to the woman as “brunette” Rees. Yeah, she widdles on the pavement outside McDonalds, yeah, she gets hammered and gets her massively violent boyfried have a go on her minge in a graveyard, but we really need to know – WHAT COLOUR IS HER HAIR? THE PHOTOGRAPH ISN’T ENOUGH.
I, too, have shouted similar things at the television about that stupid man on the cookery thing. My life, as I know it, is over. If John Humphreys had done the decent thing and already performed his meteorological nuclear experiment sooner, then I might have been spared this shame.
I’m off to ignite some forestry.
Yes – they should be answering questions that have yet to be resolved – like what would happen if you dropped an atom bomb into the eye of a hurricane 200 miles offshore… John Humphrys could shoulder presentation responsibilities – or fight Paxman for them.
The poor bloke has a right to be a bit miffed if he was “sent down for four weeks” – it’s a wonder his bloody tongue didn’t fall off!
What a remarkeable coincidence that he also had “69 previous convictions”!!!11!
YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP!!!111!!
Ah, yet another old fart who hasn’t quite caught up with decimalisation. I always hope they get horribly confused about temperatures and bundle up on warm sunny days, steadfastly maintaining that the 32 always refers to Fahrenheit and it’s inconceivable that the entire rest of the country works in Centigrade.
I don’t have a programme about dropping a 1 megaton bomb in a tornado, but I found one about dropping a 1 megaton bomb in St. Paul’s cathedral. Any takers?
Some of them are little more than students! You couldn’t make it up!
I’m no Gordon Ramsay, but I’m pretty sure I could stand next to Michel Roux Jr and repeat everything he says, while stuffing my face with seared scallops and pan fried seabass.
Does anyone pity the poor twat who keeps phoning in day after day after day to complain that Steve Wright is using Celsius, thinking that one day someone is going to listen, rather than post his pointless drivel onto the interweb and mock him?
No, me neither.
What else are you going to fry anything in? A paper bag? Arseholes, the lot of them.
I read this is a strong Scottish accent in my head, and for some reason it’s made my day.
Fucking pan frying, is quite fucking different to fucking deep frying. You fucking fuckwit.
He’ll be kicking himself he didn’t finish that with “QED”.
ooh cookery
Gordon Ramsey wins ‘face pulled of the year’ in my book for when that daft tart from all saints threw £1000 of caviar on the floor.
oh and masterchef should be renamed mastertits as that’s all most people need for torode to put them through to the next round.
relax, i’m anthony worrall thomson
Or in full for maximum effect, QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM (preferably in 48pt font).
Why do Greg and John always fucking shout everything?
Why isn’t there anything more entertaining on at 6.30 in the evening?
Perhaps Humphreys can look at that and then nuke Wallace and Torode, after bum raping them?
Why oh why do I care?
OK, round two then teams. Your starter for ten, which bus should you take if you want to travel from Aldershot Road to Reading Town Centre and what time should you set off if you have to be at Asda before 8.00 am. And, for a five point bonus for each of these, to whom should you report a spillage or breakage; how long do you get for a standard tea-break and which aisle are the frozen pizzas kept on?
The main problem with Masterchef is that there is no health warning given. This is highly dangerous, as it is possible to choke on food.
It is also irresponsible as it gives ideas on how to cut things up and cook them and I happen to have a lot of fingers.
“The contestants are not clever at all, … I think they are socially inept.”
Yeah, nerdy tossers. Reading books and talking to other students and that all the time instead of honing their pub brawl techniques. There’s no hope for them. They’ll just drift into high-paying jobs, marriages to beautiful, intelligent partners and eventually comfortable retirement, and never really learn how to live in the real world of debt, violence, alcoholism, family breakdown and early death. What a bunch of LOOSERS!
I can just picture Alan Sillitoe’s eyes wandering nervously from the radio to the matchbox to the trees outside his window, as he sits on his hands shaking with self-restraint.
“Sue MacGregor tells me to burn stuff!”
RADIO 4 – TODAY PROGRAMME
“I would like John Humphrys to explain what the effect would be if someone flew over the centre of a hurricane 200 miles clear of land and dropped a one megaton air-burst atom bomb down the centre. I would like this to be made into a discussion on the programme.”
We don’t even need John Humphrys:
http://www.usatoday.com/weather/resources/askjack/wfaqhurm.htm
Quite right. The main problem I have with Americans is that they’re so self-obsessed they don’t realise that there’s a world outside of their own country.
Someone is getting real life mixed up with their game of Monopoly again.
I just watched Hole In The Wall on iPlayer and I can tell you this, if I’ve learned one thing in this life it’s that when there’s a wall speeding towards you with a person-shaped hole in it, the best thing to do is shove your face in Zoe Salmon’s crotch and hope for the best. But have the contestants on University Challenge spent days on end mentally rehearsing that the way I have?
Let’s go over this again for the slow thinkers at the back. Quiz shows are a kind of TV programme – those are the things that happen inside the box – and the people only have to answer questions. That’s all they have to do. All the eating, sleeping, interaction and other stuff happens outside of the box. That’s the same outside as the one outside of your living room. If you want to see if people have social skills when they’re not on a quiz show, you’ll have to spend some time not watching TV and actually go talk to life-sized human beings.
Just try to remember that the way they cope with being accosted by someone like you may not be indicative of their typical interaction patterns.
I think the Colonel may have an American cousin:
http://notalwaysright.com/almost-as-bad-as-the-large-hadron-collider/1236
I think this bloke may well also have an HYSer as a cousin:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRomo48MYmw
(looks to me like a blow-up doll on the sofa behind him)
I think it’s typical of al(notB)BCnuLab dishonesty that they use technical trickery to dishonestly portray the University Challenge desks and contestants as being dishonestly arranged one atop the other when they are clearly arranged side by side in reality!
(Or is it the other way around?)
“UNIVERSITY “CHALLENGE”"
The contestants are not clever at all. Most of them couldn’t even take a three-digit integer, divide it by five, multiply by nine, add thirty-two, and announce the result saying there’s your fucking fahrenheit you doddery old cunt.
I so agree with what Neil says about Bamber Gascoigne and his technical trickery. That’s when all the modern mumbo jumbo dishonest nonsense started. Before that everything was black & white & simple, we got straightforward, trustworthy FACTS.
Now they just MAKE it all UP!!!
And you’ll notice the team on the right always ends up on the bottom. More leftist propaganda from the ZaNuLiarBore Mouthpiece the British Brownite Corporation!!!
Hmm, isn’t “200 miles clear of the ground” kind of in space? Although this is probably the least weird thing about the nuke-in-a-hurricane complaint.
The Sun – 69 previous connections. I think I laughed so much a bit of wee came out…
Convictions, convictions, convictions…doh
fucko the clown is probably an evangelical paedo. Complete removal of pubic fluff renders the otherwise adult playthings into sexually immature units of waste disposal. The evolutionary advantage of fluff, and why children don’t have it, is to hide from view the waste disposal organs from upright standing man (and woman) thus preventing any sexual display while going about one’s normal business (hunting and fishing and suchlike). They become visible only when pumped with blood to indicate readiness for more immediately gratifying passtimes.
Bored. No new articles, intermitant 404-style errors, Friday afternoon, so my thoughts are naturally turning away from “work” and more towards beer and fanny.
…and not even capable of posting to the right thread either.
Speak for yourself, alt-f4. My fluff is not so bushy as to hide my playthings, hence the animal hide bikini bottoms I fashioned, having seen how well it suited Racquel Welch. I always understood the fluff’s purpose was to avoid unwanted chaffing & friction – although this only became necessary when learnt to last longer than our cousins the bonobos and adopted the saucy front entry position.
Homo, I’ve nothing against it you understand. In fact, it can be quite thrilling to periodically indulge in mutual baldness. Then letting it grow back again and maybe trying something more artistic next time – the best one I ever did was to shave the bird’s fluffy bits into the shape of a Soviet T-42 tank. Took me hours it did. Then she shaved mine into the shape of a Third Reich Tiger Tank and we then set them into close quarters combat in a bed-based re-enaction of the Battle of Kursk.
But wanting to have them shaved all the time is weird.
We do the same. Married for 25 years we need some variety. We’ve done the role-playing, dressing up, the bondage, getting the dog involved, all that, but now we too spice up our sex life by re-enacting historical battles. Being Catholic though I always have to play the part of the Italian Army and withdraw early.
RADIO 2 – STEVE WRIGHT
“Yet again, Steve Wright has been giving the temperature in celsius. This is a non-English term and should not be used on the BBC.”
Whatever next? If the standards decline any further in this country, people will start answering the telephone using terms like “hello” rather than simply barking their own surname into it, as is the English way.
That’s definitely the German way.
What with Fahrenheit being German and Celsius being Swedish, we’re a bit screwed. Kelvin’s no better than it should be either; it’s just Celsius in a fancy hat. I suggest that instead of all this futile mumbling about exchanging one filthy foreigner’s temperature measurements for another, we bring back the good old English scale of temperature measurement as devised by Isaac Newton. Not that anyone ever really used it, but why should we care?
“Today’s forecast is pretty chilly at 1.65 degrees Newton so don’t forget to wrap up warm! Elsewhere in the world, Sydney is experiencing balmy temperatures of up to 9.9 degrees Newton whilst Singapore is sweltering in an unseasonable 11.55 degree heatwave…”
If that sounds unreasonable, then an even more English approach would be to adopt a scale based on the fluctuations in rectal temperature of the Queen’s favourite Corgi. We could call it something like the Canus Anus Scale, with 0 degrees being when the Corgi is healthy (anus mirabilis) and 89-and-11/16ths when it’s at its most ill (anus horribilis). Each degree could be equal to 11/17ths of a Fahrenheit or something.
Now THAT’s British.