spEak You're bRanes

The upside of my general slackness is that, thanks to the efforts of my tireless donor, I’ve got a big stack of wonderful, bemusing crap from the complaints log waiting to be published. The downside of my general slackness is “everything else”.

RADIO 2 – ELAINE PAIGE
“I would like Elaine Paige to go to Disney Land Paris to introduce clips of Disney music.”

I would like her to lay me an egg.

RADIO 2 – STEVE WRIGHT
“Steve Wright said the temperature was 23 degrees Celsius. He should have said 78 degrees Fahrenheit, which I consider English.”

I was actually starting to worry you might be dead. Then I would have had to waste half an hour writing a program to emulate you.

RADIO 3 – BBC PROMS 2008
Re. Proms: “I attended the BBC Proms at The Royal Albert Hall and was incredibly annoyed there was no interval. The amount of people who needed to go to the bathroom was extraordinary, and I feel it became a health and safety issue as it was clear people had to hold their water so they didn’t miss the performance. Even a ten minute break would have sufficed as it ruined my enjoyment of the performance.”

Interesting. Whenever I’ve seen you idiots waving your plastic union jacks and grinning, I assumed you’d already shat yourselves where you were standing. Next year, why not stay at home and hum “Best of Classix” while you’re sat on the bog?

RADIO 4 – WOMAN’S HOUR
“I would like to listen to interviews with men who need to work as prostitutes. This would be an interesting programme.”

It might seem appealing right now but, trust me, you should still try and get some GCSEs just in case.

GENERAL TV
“There are far too many women on the BBC. Every time I switch on the television, I am confronted with female after female after female.”

Disgusting wimmins.

NEWSROUND
“The programme should have focused more on the books about sex for five-year-olds and the way the young girls dress in today’s society. It is shocking what society is turning into. Swear words don’t turn these children into slappers; the clothes the shops sell do.”

Paedo.

SERIOUS OCEAN
“I was concerned that a crab was boiled alive. I was disgusted to see a poor defenceless animal cooked by a group of children. It was barbaric.”

Give it a rest. It’s a crab. They’re fucking tasty. You dismal bollock.

NEWS – GENERAL
Feels the BBC are keeping quiet about the implications of letting 70 million immigrants in. “The people who are coming into this Country are seeking the benefits. The BBC should focus on this and highlight the negatives of the large amount of immigrants coming into the Country.”

It’s on next week, right after the piece about “What would happen if a squad of giant hens took over British Leyland”.

WEATHER – GENERAL
“I am registered blind and rely on accurate weather reports. I live in Stevenage, but it was not stated that it would rain today on any BBC weather forecast. So, I decided to put my washing out as it would be dry, only to return to my washing line hours later and find my clothes had been drenched. Thanks for ruining my wardrobe BBC.”

Perhaps you should register as stupid instead. To be honest, I’m a little worried that you might just have had your balaclava on back to front all these years.

Thanks to Dean and Jamie for pointing me at the cookbooks for children scandal and picking out the first two idiots:

So to tackle obesity you give people cookbooks.Brilliant absolutely brilliant.Next we’ll be giving the unemployed cash handouts and drug addicts free drugs.

[chickenhawc], Bridgend, United Kingdom

When they hear there’s such a thing as food they’ll want to eat it every day.

Has Polly Toynbee written a section on “Cooking with Italian Communists in Tuscany”?
Is there anything on Halal butchery included in the book?
What about a “Dig For Victory” chapter – or would that be too pro British & divisive?
We need to know these things BBC…….

Righty Rightwing

You learn a lot about Righty Rightwing here. Not only does he assume everything the government publishes is written by Guardian journalists, he clearly only reads patriotic cookbooks that show the slaughtering.

It’ll have to be printed in many different languages won’t it?
English Not British, or European

At least 20 or 30!!
But won’t it also have to contain sections for different cultures eg halal and kosher.
And a section for veggies
and one for people with special dietry needs
and meals for people with nut allergies etc etc etc.

Steve Right, NuLabour’s Broken society

Whatever happened to having pork-fried beef with peanut sauce on every page? I blame the PC allergic brigade. Now finish your hemlock salad.

Why not have schools grow their own veg?

- Children digging etc would be a form of PE.
- Learning how the veg grows could be science.
- Counting how much veg is left after the slugs have been at them is maths
- Writing stories about the Veg could be English
- Learning about food and where it comes from could be History and Geography
- Then we could start thinking about teaching the kids to cook.

Hey, I’ve come up with a whole curriculum!

Liz J

Careful now. You start making the subjects all difficult again and nobody will get an A*.

How important is the Big Bang experiment?

Another major advancement in science. Like the space programme & splitting ther atom , hudge advances & spin offs will be made from this research.
If science had not ploughed on we would all still be living up coconut trees & eating peanuts like they stll are in africa.

David Perry, weybridge

All credit to spotters Rach and Matt for this one, including the headline which feels like some distorted version of the macarena.

Do you ever suspect that you might be the only conscious being in the universe? Perhaps the whole thing is just a big simulation, designed to fool you (and you alone) into leading a depressingly mundane life of no consequence? Should Gordon Brown continue as party leader?

The usual method used by the BBC to socially engineer the HYS comments is to hold back comments they disagree with and post them much later. Because they appear according to their time stamp this means they are buried amongst hundreds of other comments pages before. Some manage to rise but most sink without notice

Its interesting that because they cannot use this technique they have resorted to blatant removal of undesired (eg immigration multiculturalism) comments that become prominent
[Montaradave], UK/US, United Kingdom

The BBC moderators are sat around a table right now, weeping with frustration and muttering “How did he guess??”. They’re debating whether they can allow your important and dangerous comment to remain. If they remove it, it looks bad. If they leave it there, others might glimpse the truth. They see no way out. You, Montaradave, have finally won the internet.

Do you agree with an opt-out organ donor system? Dave Blake has only one thing on his mind.

How do I opt out?
Dave Blake

The best way is probably to die alone, without anybody noticing. You’ll be reet.

I propose a new category of “Moderation Martyrs” for [iceagecometh], whose opinions are too real for the PC “B”BC. Like the following comment on Georgia. What a shame we will never be able to read it.

So why are we denied comment? The answer is simple, political, religious and ideological abuse ordinary people and children.
[iceagecometh]

Censorship has driven him to drastic measures, like posting his opinions on a BBC Have Your Say thread on expensive cities, far from the prying PC gaze of the BBC:

Nowaday’s discrimination is a one-way path. If you’re indigenous british, male, heterosexual and athiest, you have no chance of justice, including the right to haveyoursay.
[iceagecometh]

Now I know why it’s your posts that are disappearing.

I have no doubt that the chinese people are bombarded by political propaganda, as we are by an undobtedly socialist “b”bc. So what’s the greatest abuse, internet access in china or denial rights in the UK?
[iceagecometh]

Our denial rights are not being respected. Need proof? Well, they never publish common sense commentary like this:

It’s multiculural london that’s more likely to be beyond revival. What the rest of us need is adequate immigration control, and UK legislation that doesn’t allow our judiciary to make “judgements” that gives protection to imported criminals and illegal immigrants.
[iceagecometh]

Or this:

So why is this comment awaiting “moderation”?

[... he pasted the comment above in again here ...]
[iceagecometh]

Perhaps you should flag your comments with some sort of gold star, just so they know that your latest bit of aggrieved, racist snivelling is more urgent than the other 3,932 selfish bumsquawks awaiting their attention.

Depressing stuff, so here are some rousing words to end with:

For the sake of children everywhere, let’s haveoursay.
[iceagecometh]

We’d love to, but you know quite well that we can’t.

Thanks to 773 for these posts on knife crime:

isn’t the law funny they come out with these most ridicules new laws about stopping some one to take away there knives and smack them on the wrist then couple of days later that person has another knife to threaten some one ealse i think the police and the legal system should make there own comedy show and call it Mr plod and Mr nasty like punch and Judy what a joke this government is they don’t know there right hand from there left i bet most mp cant even spell.

bob, cambridge

I wouldn’t worry. Not being able to spell and being completely incapable of rational, coherent thought are two entirely separate things. It’s just unfortunate you happened to get both.

the best way to deal with knife crime in the UK is to invent a time machine and go back to the 1950′s and prevent them from allowing mass immigration.

Sorry if people find that offensive but look at the statistics for who carry out most of these crimes, it’s not the indigenous white population is it?

gilly, london

Glad to see some practical solutions.

the only way that knife crime will be stopped is by hanging those who kill. There is no other way to control this. If these killers are standing over the trapdoor on the scaffold they would then know fear. At the moment there are no deterents and there are no judges that are prepared to put these thugs away for life and mean it. Young people need boundaries and need to have consequences there are none in our society now, l

Anna Ellmes, cardiff

As 773 says: I am amusing myself by imagining that Anna was typing that last comment on a laptop passed to her as she stood over the trapdoor on the scaffold.

You know, I spend so much time trawling Have Your Say for the boring, stupid and ignorant that I overlook the goldmines of wit, intelligence and sophistication. Such as Alex Gache, who knows so much about everything:

Are you comparing a gun with a car??

Guns are MADE for killing,cars are made for moving about.Very different,woulden’t you say?

I never knew that! Thanks Alex Gache!

Religion is the crutch for minds that can’t walk
Religion are wings for minds that can’t fly

Alex Gache, you are so wise.

I am a dad.I’m a musician,tour and work in the studio.I also bring my children up.So???

Not only is Alex Gache a musician, he is also fluent in four languages. What a guy!

What are your favourite misheard lyrics?

Everything Mick Jagger sings!!

Come on baby,dry your eyes
But angie, angie, aint it good to be alive? (original version)

Come on baby,TRY your eyes
But angie, angie, aint it good to be alive?

Heheh. Now I think about it, ‘try’ and ‘dry’ do sound rather similar. Thanks Alex Gache!

I would invite Nicolas Sarkozy and his wife Carla Bruni!

I would tantalize Nicolas with my banquet d’ hor’d'oeuvres with snails full of garlic Argentine red wine and 3 to 4 large baguettes,
That should keep him busy while I butter up my singing Carla!!

Ingenious! Naturally the only thing that could distract a Frenchman from his beautiful French wife is an amateurishly-prepared version of his own national cuisine! That would leave Carla open, and – sacrez blue! – you speak French!! She’ll be putty in your hands! Good luck Alex Gache!

Thanks to Thomas, American Monty and Ashley for braving the map thread:

Ain’t that a FACT,people selling these gadgets only care about PROFIT. Erosion of Education Standards begun with Calculators in classrooms.Most frightening is those who were weaned on Gadgets & Philisophy of “Trophys for LOOSERS” are now Teachers,deny them a Battery & their World collapses.
This is ROOT-Cause why we’re overtaken in every dept of Industrialisation. Cash registers with Pictures instead of Letters & Numbers are Limits placed on mental capacity,Brain needs exercise to Develope.

Colonial came HOME, to Motherland UK

Let me guess, your computer has a make-sense checker.

one should not speak openly of their age, simply muse and wonder. This is like saying philatelist’s weep every time I post a letter of complaint about the taste of the glue on stamps these days

It may have escaped the British Cartographic Society attention but there appears to be Holy war on the go. So it maybe just prudent not to list Churches on maps.

angry man

I can just imagine Osama poring over the Ordinance Survey, deciding which church he’d most like to fling faeces at. Those naive and treacherous cartographers have a lot to answer for.

I think most of the info in online maps is not accurate and correct.

If I am wrong, than why dont they track Osama and other Alqada hide outs.

Tehsin Ullah Jan

Probably because, unlike some, Osama Bin Laden is cunning and doesn’t put his name and location on his HYS posts.

i don’t think these online maps are a good idea. also don’t like that p eople can use google earth etc to type in your name and address and see where your live someone did that to me and i think that is wrong and can lead to stalking. this person also wanted me to give out an address of someone else which i would not do as he wanted to see on the maps.where this person lived i told him no and not to google earth me again surely there should be some person you can complain to. its not right

lynne cameron, edinburgh

Thanks to Google Maps, all a stalker needs to know is your name and address, and they can work out where you live, what you’re called and even your name and address!

Should black people be allowed to make films on their own? Opinion is generally divided between “No, Danny Glover’s just playing the race card” and “No, Danny Glover’s just being racist”

If this were a white producer trying to get funding for an African film with no African heroes in it, or a Bollywood film with no Asian heroes, or a Chinese film with no Chinese heroes, we wouldn’t be having this debate. How come every race in the world is allowed to be racist except white people? Danny Glover can go to hell and take his film with him. I’m sick of this PC nonsense.
anon.

How dare he make a film set in Haiti without a minimum of 40% white heroes. Next the PC brigade will order Richard E. Grant to have black heroes in his film about Swaziland. White people really do have it harder than any other race in history. If only you’d put your real name down, we could have posted you a box of tissues to dry your tears of frustration.

perhaps he’ll consider putting a token white person in his film. It’s something white film makers have had to do many times with a coloured actor to appease black supremacists like Danny Glover.
I get bored of this race card rubbish.
mat j

You just need to get yourself a new race card with a bit less angry, fabricated bullshit on it.

I would never give a shred of support, financial or otherwise, to any endeavor from a left-winger like Danny Glover.
Girard Hughley

Give ‘em an inch and they start offering healthcare to sick people. Disgusting.