spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to James for sending this in, and well done to Linda for actually being less witty than the comedians soaking up her paranoid rage.

Oh…I suppose they will be using that ‘human rights’ clause to avoid sacking Dross and Bland!

‘No subject is exempt from comedy’………will they be telling us that bullying and humiliating an elderly man cannot be criticised because that would be infringing the ‘human rights’ of two ‘comedians’??

Anyway…I have cancelled my direct debit for the TV licence. It will not be reinstated until these two are sacked. If the BBC would like to take me to court I shall invoke my ‘human right’ not to have to pay money to obscene abusive bullies.
Linda, Birmingham

If you do end up in court Linda, remember that the best human rights lawyers tend to be Hobgoblins. You could also try paying your license fee in Leprechaun gold, as it will disappear before the BBC can spend it on gays.

Thanks to David.

From the thread full of bold attempts to give a dry-roasted cheetah shit about Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross and Andrew Sachs.

reading this i know why this lot are still in govt they are to many morons about backing these two idiots who act like they are immune to anything i bet if these backers were on the end of it it would be different the point is these people are paid by our money and to act like this is wrong they should be done and made an example off if not what message does it send to the vast army of morons out there this country is finished nothing left but idiots
dennis

Fucking backers. They’re always backing shit. Comedians, gays, foreigns, women… what will they back next?? This country needs less backing and more spluttering, impotent opposition.

More complaints from a while back. Thanks again.

LAST CHOIR STANDING
“I feel that some of the choirs have been penalised because they sang about God.”

“I believe that this competition was rigged and that it was done so for racist reasons. I think that BBC staff wanted to control voting so that the choir with black members would not win.”

I believe that Jeremy Paxman has a tattoo of Nicholas Parsons on his left arse cheek and the lyrics from Samantha Fox’s “Touch me!” in Comic Sans on the right one.

Claims the BBC is in breach of the Royal Charter. It has been brought to my attention that the BBC has recieved and is now receiving substantial amounts of funding from the European Union in breach of its charter. I must advise the BBC that all such conduct serves to breach the Treason Act.

Don’t just sit there. Phone the fucking queen you dick.

RADIO 4 - PM
“The interview with the BNP member was biased. The interviewer asked if the BNP has any Asians in its party. This was a question designed to put the party in a bad light as the interviewer would have known that there are no Asian members.”

Cut this out and pop it up in the post-office:

BREAKFAST TV
“It annoys me that the Susanna Reid looks to the right all the time. I believe she has a monitor there and that she is looking at herself in it.”

Nah, they keep a huge pyramid of profiteroles there. It’s the only way they can get her to perform.

WEATHER
Annoyed that metric measurements are used rather than Imperial. “The BBC lives in a private world of its own. We do not want to hear this European propaganda.”

Still not dead, eh?

I wonder, when Pink Floyd wrote “Great Gig in the Sky”, “Wish You Were Here” and “Shine On You Crazy Diamond”, did they ever imagine they would be crassly regurgitated by a steady stream of self-satisfied grief athletes every time one of them popped his clogs?

Very, very sorry. This is the worst news I have heard or read in many years. The absolute BEST I’ve heard is thanks to Mr.Wright’s part of Pink Floyd. Respect across this World is well deserved by this Special Man.
God bless him.
Lance Sanderson, Bristol

I don’t know if you heard, but this thing happened with these planes and a couple of buildings and then…no, I won’t tell you, it’ll upset you. But maybe stick the news on for a few minutes between albums.

My wife and I named our daughter Piper Dawn, after Pink Floyd’s first album. Their music has been one of the few constants in our lives since we met. I would be hard pressed to say anything original about the band and music, but send our most heart felt condolences to Rick and his family. He will be missed. Rick, Wish you were here.
Jeremy Gray, Potland, Or

Don’t worry Jeremy. Richard (and Syd) will live on in every shit joke people make on meeting your daughter.

Richard, you opened my eyes to a world of keyboards. Before I listened to Pink Floyd, I would never have considered learning keyboards, but thanks to you and your influence, I have steadily began to teach myself a bit or two.

I’d just like to take this time to thank you, and you will always remain in my heart as one of my favourite bands of all time.

You’re with Syd now, and I will always think of you two lost soles swimming in a fish bowl.

Goodbye Richard, and thank you.
James Charman, Llanfair Caereinion, United Kingdom

Beautiful imagery there James. I’m imagining you wandering, grief-stricken, around “World of Keyboards” in Welshpool before returning home to stare forlornly at a couple of Odour-Eaters in an aquarium.

Brilliant. There’s a thread saying “Dear Have Your Sayers, have you ever typed anything ill thought-out, offensive or generally cretinous into your computer?”

my biggest blunder is trusting the spell check doesn’t matter if im drunk or sober it still spells it american. BBC HYS website and even the Gov.UK website both have american spell checks, it may not be an email blunder but it’s a blunder nether the less.
Have your say Rejected, Dover England UK E.U. world order

Trust me. It’s the lesser of the two evils.

Never mind emails, it’s when you talk to someone on msn and agree to go out with them when you’ve had too much to drink!

Trying to back-pedal when you’ve sobered up can be very difficult….
Anita MK, United Kingdom

This comment was back-to-back with this one:

could’ve done with using this technology a year ago. I was drunk late at night and asked out a girl via msn messenger that I knew liked me, but I didnt feel the same. I ended up on going on the worst date in my life! haha!
[aNonnaMoose], Stratford upon Avon, United Kingdom

Aww.

Will you be celebrating National Poetry Day?

What a stupid question! Of course I will!

I already baked cakes and decorated them with witty rhymes.
I have balloons with Walter de la Mare,William Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde’s faces on them.
I’m going to have a ball!!…Can’t wait.
Alex Gache, Netherlands

Let’s all take a minute to imagine Alex Gache’s poetry.

Everyone loves a good rant about how Gor-blimey-he-must-have-downs-syndrome Clown-shoes-because-we’ll-all-be-walking-everywhere-soon has ruined this economy by inviting in all the brown people and not paying off our mortgages for us as soon as it became obvious we’d overstretched ourselves. But sooner or later you find yourself panting and spent, the last dregs of your fury washed away in the cleansing fire of HYS and the empty white box still isn’t sated. It’s never sated. Can’t muster any more rage? Then let’s hear your poetry. Shit at poetry? I mean, shit on an epic, not-good-enough-for-HYS scale? Then tell us your credit crunch jokes!

What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Niall Davidson Petch, Lincoln, UK

An excellent repurposing of that joke about lawyers there. Which was originally told around the campfire by Cro-Magnon man about Neanderthals.

I’ve re-named my morning bowl of muesli at the desk Credit Crunch.
Robert Fulford, London, UK

I’m surprised you can find it on a desk full of gonks and “you don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps!!!” signs.

Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: ‘I don’t want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other…
David, Cambridge, UK

I think this is supposed to be a joke, but it could equally go in the straight-faced “how would you solve the credit crunch” thread and look like one of the saner suggestions.

Why did the Banker cross the road? - Because he stapled himself to the chicken.
Charles Brockley, Norwich , Norfolk, UK

Ha, those wacky bankers! That’s exactly the kind of thing they’d do while their entire sector is melting down around their ears. They’d staple themselves to a chicken! My zany mate Robert Fulford, that’s exactly the kind of thing he’d get up to! Wacky.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Emma Ives, Dorking, Surrey, UK

While back in the UK, the Emma Ives Joke Bank reminds us that the credit crunch is definitely no laughing matter. Let’s see if we can help her out.

Q: What’s Brown and sticky?
A: Gordon!

Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks “Why won’t the media talk about how Gordon sold our gold reserves? I want MY GOLD”.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It needed to nationalise a couple of banks and they were on the other side. Nationalise in name only, obviously. There’d be no seat on the board or anything crazy like that. It’s only a fucking chicken.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an immigrant go into a bar but only the immigrant and Scotsman can afford to buy drinks because the Englishman is being taxed out of existence by the Scottish PC mafia.

Thanks to Rich. “Should ‘happy hours’ be banned?”. Apparently someone else posted in this thread with the nick “some people are gay,get over it“.

Update: Ah, he’s probably referring to this Stonewall poster.

what?no dont ban anything,and this poster “some people are gay,get over it” is the worst stupid idea ever,i would kick in a load of gays just because of that poster.get over it?why pick the worst gay character traits to emulate….er….girlfriend.
get over it,get over it?idiots.its even the wrong kind of language to even think would work.first thing is what if i dont,whats going to happen then,get over it,your obviously ordering me so what if i dont?,nothing eh so i wont
rob, swansea

Rob’s having yet another epic battle with his conscience. Last night he went out to “The Kings Arms” again, before guiltily ejaculating onto a chap who works in accounts payable. “Ejaculating is manly right? Girls can’t do it, it must be. It’s fine and manly to ejaculate. It doesn’t make you gay does it? Dave shouldn’t have got in the way. I’m going to have to kill him. Fucking gaylord. I might jiz in his hair a bit first. It smells so good just after he’s washed it”.