Outsiders and Permanently Bewildered06 Oct 2008 11:06 am
By Nelson
I’m back. I’ll probably spend most of the next week doing all the work that piled up while I was on holiday so I guess it’ll still be pretty quiet. In the meantime, thanks to my mate Col, I present the funniest thing you’ve ever seen in the Daily Mail. Check out the comments too. Inadvertent comedy genius.
There ARE reasons cheerful Fifteen glorious things free
85 Responses to “There Are Reasons Cheerful”
Reasons to be cheerful… A new thread.
Hooray. Let bells ring out!
(But a Daily Mail site about being cheerful… whoa! Talk about leaving your comfort zone.)
3. Enjoy the quintessentially British experience of being beaten up by a mob of concerned parents, whipped into a frenzy by The Daily Mail which has conditioned them to believe that anyone who deals a child anything more than a hasty sidelong glance wants to drag them into the bushes and bumfrot them?
”
Reasons to be cheerful, part three.
I prefer good old Ian’s reasons to the Daily Mail’s.
see from the mail I was expecting
1. Phone up immigration and grass up mr sanjays uncle who over stayed his visa, watch with glee as he is hauled off by immigration.
2. look for strange men hanging around the local pool, must be paedos, so burn them. (paediatricians will do if none can be found)
3. start a fuel protest, its fun and your friends can join in.
4. volunteer as a special constable, you might get to arrest some immigrunts.
etc etc
The price of kleenex is exorbitant these days. So why not have a wank for free out of the window?
5. Shop the next-door neighbours for not paying their TV Licence. That’ll teach ‘em to think TV is free.
6. Descend into a nice warm bath of nostalgia by simply pretending it’s 1952, but not the nasty 1952 where you were broke and the economy was fucked and the food was shit, but the one in your head where the sun was always shining and the only darkies you ever saw offered politely to shine your shoes.
7. Pat yourself on the back for doing all these free things, thus shortening the queues at the Opera so overpaid cunts like Paul Dacre don’t have to queue for so long. Or rather their butlers don’t.
Y’know, he’s right! It’s surely only a matter of time before ZaNuLiarBore start charging you to look at stars!!one!
Fucking plum.
Clearly the Mule’s “writer” hasn’t watched the latest offering from Messrs Enfield and Whitehouse. It is this: crap.
Great idea arsebanana – not just cheering yourself up but sharing your joy with all the passers-by.
Gotta love the foaming of that FTDP in Spain, another one of the Great Britishers that loves his nation so much he shouts about it from a foreign country.
Tell you what, I was minutes away from topping myself – but having read that article I have a new found perspective on life.
So, if anyone wants me, I’ll be standing in the bushes at the local park eating berries and eagerly watching the kids play football.
Though I have to say – no bad tackles? We used to play a game called “Hacksies”. Same rules as football “3 and in”, except it was expected of you to kick the legs from under people. The kind of game a donkey defender thrives on.
With all this doom and gloom around, just think of all that marvellous will-they-ever-learn-ing and told-you-so-ing you’ve got to look forward to! Who in their right mind would want to cheer up? It’s my right as an oppressed white English male to belly-ache if I want to. And I want to.
I think being so-called cheerful is just another crypto-leftie plot to foist immgrants on the contentedly-miserable English. With their colorful clothes and up-tempo music; if they want to be cheerful, why don’t they go and be cheerful in their own country?
If I went to Saudi Arabia and had a nice bit of a whinge, they’d prob’ly chop my hands off.
1. Don’t buy the Daily Mail. You will immediately feel the benefit of knowing that you’re no longer contributing to the wages of a bunch of smug, ignorant cunts. In addition if you continue not to buy the Daily Mail every day you will find yourself becoming less of a smug, ignorant cunt too. A win-win situation.
14. If you live close enough, make your way to Richmond Park, the New Forest or Exmoor and watch the deer and ponies as they wander through the purple heather. As free as large animals can be in Britain, their grace and beauty is a gift to all of us.
WTF? “As free as large animals can be in Britain” Free as in cost to watch or as in space to move. The grammar is fucking appalling.
What happens if you live Up North? Do you just have to make do with watching rats in your coal scuttle. Condescending cunts.
I assumed this article was targeted at everyone; I tried this out in John Lewis, and got some very strange looks in, I can TELL YOU.
And they did me for shoplifting their free samples of iPods.
17. In need of a new house? Simply walk into one that’s been abandoned by some poor fucker who believed us when we said BUY HOUSES NOW THEY CAN NEVER LOSE VALUE HURRY UP QUICK QUICK OR YOU’LL NEVER GET ON THE LADDER AND EVERYONE WILL LAUGH AT YOU AS YOU SLEEP IN YOUR PISS-RIDDEN CARDBOARD BOX!
“PISS-RIDDEN CARDBOARD BOX”
err… I think the Marketing Department at Barrett prefer you described their quality products as, “uniquely styled modern starter-homes for first-rung investors.”
What worries me is that I do most of the things on that list already. I’ve always thought it was cos I was a tight-fisted and poorly-paid Northerner who wants to do more with their spare time than merely watching the rats in my coal scuttle fight, shit and shag, but the thought that I somehow correspond with a Daily Mail-ian concept of how to spend one’s time wisely and happily just chills me to my loony-lefty, Grauniad-reading bones.
I just hope that one of my own fave free pastimes – endlessly slagging off the cunts that write and read The Mail – negates the effects of accidentally fitting in with their suggestions.
Bit of a shame the Mail didn’t mention that every museum in London is free, and that they were made free by a Labour government.
the comments on that article are classic.
Its all paedos tax and Nulabour with these cretins.
I missed that bit. Deer-fuckers.
“This is too cool Finally, a nice thing in the middle of the incessant whingeing and nagging to be found on and offline Do more of it, please!! I think I’m going to open a blog just to collect positive stuff like that, and this would be the first post. Really put a smile on my face!”
Fuck sYb, this is the kind of stuff the internet really needs. Please hurry and ‘open a blog’, featuring the kind of uplifting human interest tales I can only currently find on Anglia Tonight. I am literally on the edge of my seat. You dullard.
(also – if you think the world needs more positive stories why the fuck are you reading the daily mail?)
Relax, she’s only joking
“As free as large animals can be in Britain”
After reading their 15 ‘free’ things to do. I took my two children to the New Forest… a lot more Deer than I was expecting. I don’t think a responsible paper like The Daily Mail should mislead its readers like this.
try admiring their grace and beauty when the fuckers run out in front of you when you’re driving home through the forest. bastards, they’re bigger than my car.
they only did it so they could tax us more on the stuff the kids demand you buy in the shops.
now wriggle and feel cheerful
“What happens if you live Up North? Do you just have to make do with watching rats in your coal scuttle. Condescending cunts.”
Rats? Pah, In my day I had to make do with watching pubic lice reproduce for free entertainment.
Which made me feel less dirty, even though they were my own lice, than reading the daily mail.
Far-Q
And were you glad of it?
I used to live in a hole in t’ road! Mi father would get home and beat to within an inch of us lives!
Relax, he’s doing an eight stretch.
What’s wrong with sitting like a vegetable?!?? I find it cheap and HIGHLY enjoyable.
*this is me cheefully speechless*
cheefully? well why not? Who cares about spelling when you’re feeling chipper?
And on the subject of vegetables…
13. Supermarkets often leave unsold vegetables in their rubbish. These can make for free but effective sex toys that are sure to put a smile on your face.
In the interests of balance I would like to point out that neither Myra Hindley, Mary Bell nor Rosemary West are men.
Before you start fretting that this is some new hippie editorial position by the Daily Mail…
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1069374/FTSE-plunges-pressure-Brown-grows-EU-countries-pledge-100-savings-guarantee.html#comments
lots of convoluted logic paths about the Germans, WWII, Brussels and the once-Great British Nation in today’s ‘discussion’ of the credit crunch bail out packages.
“In the interests of balance I would like to point out that neither Myra Hindley, Mary Bell nor Rosemary West are men.”
No they are not.
But they are damned saucy.
Sorry Mal, but I have to disagree with you. I have found them not to be particulary effective due to their mushyness. I always go for the firmest and freshest.
Perhaps it’s a girl/boy thing?
Damn, they pre-moderate. I submitted a suggestion that the “huge amount of free sauce on the internet” enabled sessions of self-abuse that “in years gone by would have necessitated a significant investment in top-shelf material.”
[blockquote]We used to play a game called “Hacksies”. [/blockquote]
Norman Hunter bites yer legs.
I would imagine the deer in Richmond park would beg to differ on their right to freedom when it comes to the annual cull, which if i’m not mistaken is er…round about this time of year.
The best thing about Richmond park of course, is you don’t even have to get out of your car to see them unlike perhaps….ooh I dont know, Scotland maybe.
But then the DM probably doesnt get too many readers in the highlands.
so let’s get this straight. they want me to watch children playing in the park where they’ll never see my violent tackle coming? is it me or is this the Daily Mail switching its stance on paedophilia ever so slightly? which is also just happens to be free. coincidence? i think not.
Scaryduck in Daily Mail Land (A True Story)
“Wot choo takin’ picturs of?”
“I’m taking some pictures of the trees and the river, that’s all.”
“Are you a paedo?”
“What? No! I’m a journalist. I’ve got a press pass.”
“You fuckin’ pervert. I’ll fuckin’ report you….” etc etc etc
I would, at this point, like to report a witty comeback that left the foul-mouth trog speechless. But I fucked off, sharpish.
So much for ‘15 free things that make you happy’.
Brown and the energy companies can shove the credit crunch up their collective ass. I’m going to drive a 400 mile round trip to watch the changing of the guard before it gets banned by the PC brigade.
Worst. Free thing. Ever.
Suicide is also free, and I don’t think it can be recommended highly enough to those Daily Heil reading cunts.
15 free things that make you happy, number 16.
Knifecriming daily mail readers.
@scaryduck
so, despite your nauseating close shave with the itchy-fisted, self-appointed Guardian of Instant Rough Justice… did you get any good pics of the nursery-school playground on the other side of the river with your x75 zoom lens??!!
And painless, apparently. Which must be one of the worst-lyriced songs in history.
Suicide is painless/it brings on many changes
I mean really/no shit sherlock
First you stop breathing/Then your MySpace is very popular for 36 hours
Yes, and I sold them to Pete Townshend for a book he’s ‘researching’.
Oh ho!
Or if you’re a heavily armed school child that’s just offed a large number of fellow pupils, your you-tube posts of you carrying a p22.
I mean it’s not a real gun, but with some rifle shells and hollow points I’ve heard it’s very effective.
On a similar vein to sudden popularity for suicide victims. I always find it hysterical when some nasty little tyke, who’s a one-lad crimewave for his sink-estate, hated by all and generally a complete horror, ends up getting chibbed, shot, joy-riding death etc and then his teachers and local community leaders have to find some “good” things about him on the local news.
I’d love it if one day some over-worked Special Constable would say, “Obviously this is a very serious crime and we are doing all we can to find the perpatrator, but this kid was a proper little shit, and I don’t mean oh-a-bit-cheeky, I mean proper feral ratboy. He’d've stolen his granny’s teeth for drugs. I’m amazed he made it to fifteen to be honest. I don’t know who killed him, but I know a hundred who wanted to, including me. Evening all.”
I just had some spam mail entitled ‘let the government fund your dreams’
luckily i dream of bringing capitalism to it’s knees by fucking up the money markets
relax, i’m freddie mac
AndyS: My dreams involve a number of large chested women and a vat of baby oil.
At last, my taxes being put to good use and not propping up BROKEN BRITAIN.
“On your walk in the park, why not watch children play their impromptu football games? It’s often more entertaining than their professional counterparts. And you’ll never see a bad or violent tackle.”
I tried this – quality. Very sporty, there was a modern fusion of football, rugby, boxing, wrestling, knifecriming, sprinting, spitting and kabadi. Educational too, I’ve learnt some fabulous new swear words. All I can say is I’m glad I’m medically qualified – came in jolly useful. Entertaining, edicational and FREE!
Relax – I live in Salford.
“edicational” Well, I did tell you I live in Salford – Tony Bliar stole my spelling tests.
15. Iceland – ever wanted your own country? ok not free but you could pick up the whole thing for about 4 quid.
haha we’ll show those frosty fuckers who owns the cod now.
Is that a euphemism for anal sex?
With that reply from a bloke in Lublin saying that the Autumns in Poland were so much better ,Im surprised some Daily Mail reader didnt chip in with “Well then, you can all fuck off back to Poland cant you!(Except you Maria, cos you clean my house so well, and have a nice rack, so just bend down and clean that bit of carpet there)
Off to have a wank out of the window now (a bit worrying as Im at work)
3. And, while you’re in the park, why not chat to the young teenagers, you’ll probably find the scampy fellows behind the recreational buildings or sitting on the swings. I’m sure they’d be glad to share their latest MP3 hit parade tunes with you or listen to your advice about good park management.
4. And as you stroll blissfully through you’re ordinary, normal, local park admire how free of dog-shit, needles, and graffiti it is. You won’t see blacked rings from burnt out cars, or derelict, no-care-in-the-community patients. It won’t be a tatty bit of over-used worn out grass with 15 Morrison’s trollies in the half-drained duck-pond. Because you’ll be wearing our new Rose-tinted, Feel-Good Cold-Weather Face Cream, with added Prozac, Opiates, Hallucinogens and Elgar. Free with next Sunday’s Mail on Sunday.
“Taking a walk in the park to watch children play or take pictures of them like this could lead to a spell with the boys in blue thanks to the antics of the feminist movement who have projected their dysfunctional anti male paranoia upon the rest of us”
Poor John Smith, he just wants to take pictures of stranger’s children in the park. There is a perfectly innocent explanation. He can no longer afford barely legal, due to the credit crunch. Bless.
Shut up FEMINAZI!!!!!, if that is your real name. Thanks to your ilk, a man can’t even spend a quiet few hours in the park raping children without being branded a paedophile. It’s PC gone mad!
IS it any coincidence that the numbers of men being arrested for paedofication in parks went up as soon as local councils banned feeding the ducks? I mean, there you are, you’ve made a special trip with a big bag ‘o’ stale Hovis and you get there and you’re not allowed to chuck it to the quacking bastards! A man’s gotta do SOMETHING to stave off the disappointment and the frustration of a wasted journey (and comfort eating the bread yourself is out cos you don’t want to get obese, now, do you? That would be appalling)…
WO’NT SUMBODEE FINK OF DA DUCKYWUCKIES?!!!!onehundredandeleven!!!
Museums and art galleries are free and absolutely stuffed with treasures. No monarch was ever able to enjoy the vast array of art that we can appreciate for nothing.
“I’d love it if one day some over-worked Special Constable would say, ‘[...]I don’t know who killed him, but I know a hundred who wanted to, including me. Evening all.’”
Shit. I thought I’d persuaded the guy not to publish on that one. Obviously down to insufficient bludgeoning on my part.
I get all of my information about the latest popular beat combos this way.
SM veggie forrinners having “inexpensive” fun
forrinners having inexpensive fun
Taking a walk in the park to watch children play or take pictures of them like this could lead to a spell with the boys in blue thanks to the antics of the feminist movement who have projected their dysfunctional anti male paranoia upon the rest of us so I wouldn’t recommend it! The jist of the article is nice though, we should all be thankful for many things, but that doesn’t include McBean & Co.
- John Smith, London UK, 1/10/2008 7:33
Can someone explain to me who McBean & Co are? I’m assuming it’s some kind of ridiculously-convoluted reference to Gordon Brown, but I’m either too intelligent or not intelligent enough to figure it out.
A heartwarming attempt by the Daily Mail to bring a little cheer into the cold wintry hearts of their readership. Shame that judging by the comments, said readers would chop their own arms of at the first sign of feeling “cheerful.” Being cheery is something dirty foreigners and peedos do.
16. Find a dark, climbable tree that overlooks the back of a housing estate or block of flats. Fill a thermos with some soup and get a pair of strong binoculars. Tell your wife that you are going to the pub or Spanish classes or such, then sit in your hide and watch the young ladies wander from bedroom to bathroom in states of undress. A wonderful past-time and totally tax-free. If you are lucky enough to leave near a student halls of residence, then the nip count can get quite startling. Don’t forget tissues.
True story: In Ian’s home town of Upminster there was a residential care home called Dury Falls. They were forever cleaning graffiti off the sign of the “but the Blockheads pick him back up” variety.
Be warned, don’t participate in any free activity that might give you ‘Bad Aids’ – because you won’t get any sympathy from the Daily Mail readers. Just see this comment on today’s article ‘There could be an Aids vaccine in four years,’ says Nobel Prize winner.
Yeah cos vaccines are great for curing things you’ve already been infected by.
And another thing. We apparently now have a ‘war cabinet’. Who exactly are we at war with? Bankers?
Relax, I’m a pacifist.
For Daily Mail readers it is completely rational to means test vaccines on the basis of whether you “deserve” to be cured.
Relax, I’m the Final Arbiter.
Does Judith, Paris, France think that the cholera vaccine encourages people to shit in the street?
She lives in France – why would she think anyone would need encouragement?
Arf.
Unfortunately not.
Using Judith’s own logic, having an AIDS vaccine will encourage rapists. They’ll be able to vaccinate themselves and their victims (presumably just before raping them), thus ‘removing the dangers’ to themselves allowing them to rape as they want!
Of course, since she doesn’t seem to be able to grasp how a vaccine works, then why should we listen to such a fucking moron?
Jesus, don’t go asking questions like that. If you actually managed to get a sensible answer to it the whole point of this site would disappear up its own logical fundament!
What an absolute charmer. I bet she has to beat them off with a shitty stick.
*WARNING BRAIN TOLERANCES EXCEEDED!*
*WARNING BRAIN TOLERANCES EXCEEDED!*
DESIST WITH CURRENT THOUGHT PATH.
MENTAL IMPLOSION IMMINENT.
VERY HIGH PROBABILITY OF IMPACT OF CONTRADICTIONS.
PLEASE LOOK AT THIS PICTURES OF KITTENS.
REMAIN CALM.
BOOM.BUST.BROWN.
End of.
I would like to suggest this as a simply delightful way to spend your free time. It’s not just (virus) free, but if you put a hat in front of you, you could end up with quite a decent amount of cash.
Judith Worthington-Smythe, Paris, France
1. Understand the credit crunch is no walk in the park. That’s all you need to know after all. We will certainly never ever inform you just how ripped off you have been. Why should we? We are in the employ – thank fuck – of the people who ripped you off in the first place. C’mon, you believed all that drivel we’ve been spinning about house prices and the stock market only ever going up. You fools. They’ve already spent your pension money doing lines off whore’s asses in the Caymans, yet you’re still going to have to pick up the tab in the form of reduced wages and inflation. Serves you right for being so fucking selfish.
2. On your walk in the park, why not look for a good spot to put up an impromptu tent before the great unwashed get there? You’ll need somehwere to live when the Chinese bank that owns your house decides to foreclose on you.
3. This year, hedgerows are filled with juicy blackberries. See if you get someone before the mod arrives. But be careful you’re not caught. Technically it’s known as “Theft from Persons Unknowns” and it’s now an arrestable offence.
4. Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse are back on TV in Harry and Paul. Should be just about the right intellectual level for boneheads that read the daily mail.
5. Watch the recording of your favourite TV programme for free. Tickets to the recording of most TV shows, from Strictly Come Dancing to Top Gear, are widely available online to the lucky few. BTW, dullard, do you see how we just contradict point 4? Missed it eh? Just like you missed that little clause in your get-rich-quick 125% buy-to-let mortgage that required you to pay it back plus interest?
6. Share a bath – before the Indian company that now owns your once publicly-owned water board puts the price up 500%.
7. With supermarket prices soaring, why not turn your gardens into an allotment to grow your own vegetables. Live in a flat? Too bad.
8. Museums and art galleries are free, sort of. Most of them were closed down to finance the tax cuts you demanded so that you could afford to buy all that over-priced Chinese-made crap you own.
9. Already gas and electricity are becoming toxically expensive. Remember how we used to tell you that by the year 2000 all your electricity would be free thanks to British nuclear indepence? Yep, that was another lie in order to convince you to hand over money to buy all those useless nuclear weapons that we replaced with ludicriously expensive american bombs anyway. Boy, you people are dumb.
10. Or if we’ve no one to cuddle up to, why not borrow a book from the library. They’re free, remember? Maybe you also remember all those stories we told you about how expensive libraries were and how much tax you could save if they were closed down? When that didn’t convince you we made up stories about the terrorists learning how to make bombs in libraries. You could have a wank to warm up. There’s free porn on the internet if you’ve no library, but your ISP will inform the police.
11. Then there’s music. Just make sure you pay the exhorbitant fees demanded by the copyright owners. Download it and we’ll have you.
12. In need of a makeover? Pop to your local department store and get a new look – free. A few clever questions to the people behind the beauty counter about make-up colours and skincare – then take their advice away. And don’t forget the free samples! Be careful though, it’s called “Fraud” and you can go to prison for it.
13. For pure pomp and ceremony head to Buckingham Palace and the world famous Changing the Guard. Go to London and see the Queen. Awww, isn’t she nice. She’s a multi-billionaire and wields a vast, albeit hidden influence over “our” governments.
14. If you live close enough, make your way to Richmond Park, the New Forest or Exmoor and watch the deer and ponies as they wander through the purple heather. Make sure you keep to the public areas though, because those places and animals belong to somebody else not you.
15. With the frosty, clear nights just around the corner, you can enjoy one of nature’s most wondrous freebies. Just look up and enjoy the sight of a thousand twinkling stars and try to sleep under them.
So, Harry and Paul are back and this is trumpeted as one of the great free things to do. Watching TV basically. Or are you only allowed to watch that one programme? Presumably, the great unwashed watching Jeremy Kyle is forbidden.
Jeez – its like read “Top Tips” from Viz.
(The girl in the photos is my cousin’s daughter, incidentally).