(The girl in the photos is my cousin’s daughter, incidentally).

2. On your walk in the park, why not look for a good spot to put up an impromptu tent before the great unwashed get there? You’ll need somehwere to live when the Chinese bank that owns your house decides to foreclose on you.

3. This year, hedgerows are filled with juicy blackberries. See if you get someone before the mod arrives. But be careful you’re not caught. Technically it’s known as “Theft from Persons Unknowns” and it’s now an arrestable offence.

4. Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse are back on TV in Harry and Paul. Should be just about the right intellectual level for boneheads that read the daily mail.

5. Watch the recording of your favourite TV programme for free. Tickets to the recording of most TV shows, from Strictly Come Dancing to Top Gear, are widely available online to the lucky few. BTW, dullard, do you see how we just contradict point 4? Missed it eh? Just like you missed that little clause in your get-rich-quick 125% buy-to-let mortgage that required you to pay it back plus interest?

6. Share a bath – before the Indian company that now owns your once publicly-owned water board puts the price up 500%.

7. With supermarket prices soaring, why not turn your gardens into an allotment to grow your own vegetables. Live in a flat? Too bad.

8. Museums and art galleries are free, sort of. Most of them were closed down to finance the tax cuts you demanded so that you could afford to buy all that over-priced Chinese-made crap you own.

9. Already gas and electricity are becoming toxically expensive. Remember how we used to tell you that by the year 2000 all your electricity would be free thanks to British nuclear indepence? Yep, that was another lie in order to convince you to hand over money to buy all those useless nuclear weapons that we replaced with ludicriously expensive american bombs anyway. Boy, you people are dumb.

10. Or if we’ve no one to cuddle up to, why not borrow a book from the library. They’re free, remember? Maybe you also remember all those stories we told you about how expensive libraries were and how much tax you could save if they were closed down? When that didn’t convince you we made up stories about the terrorists learning how to make bombs in libraries. You could have a wank to warm up. There’s free porn on the internet if you’ve no library, but your ISP will inform the police.

11. Then there’s music. Just make sure you pay the exhorbitant fees demanded by the copyright owners. Download it and we’ll have you.

12. In need of a makeover? Pop to your local department store and get a new look – free. A few clever questions to the people behind the beauty counter about make-up colours and skincare – then take their advice away. And don’t forget the free samples! Be careful though, it’s called “Fraud” and you can go to prison for it.

13. For pure pomp and ceremony head to Buckingham Palace and the world famous Changing the Guard. Go to London and see the Queen. Awww, isn’t she nice. She’s a multi-billionaire and wields a vast, albeit hidden influence over “our” governments.

14. If you live close enough, make your way to Richmond Park, the New Forest or Exmoor and watch the deer and ponies as they wander through the purple heather. Make sure you keep to the public areas though, because those places and animals belong to somebody else not you.

15. With the frosty, clear nights just around the corner, you can enjoy one of nature’s most wondrous freebies. Just look up and enjoy the sight of a thousand twinkling stars and try to sleep under them.

Judith Worthington-Smythe, Paris, France

End of.

Using Judith’s own logic…

*WARNING BRAIN TOLERANCES EXCEEDED!*
*WARNING BRAIN TOLERANCES EXCEEDED!*

DESIST WITH CURRENT THOUGHT PATH.

MENTAL IMPLOSION IMMINENT.

VERY HIGH PROBABILITY OF IMPACT OF CONTRADICTIONS.

PLEASE LOOK AT THIS PICTURES OF KITTENS.

REMAIN CALM.

They deserve to be cured.
- Judith, Paris, France,

What an absolute charmer. I bet she has to beat them off with a shitty stick.

why should we listen to such a fucking moron?

Jesus, don’t go asking questions like that. If you actually managed to get a sensible answer to it the whole point of this site would disappear up its own logical fundament!

Of course, since she doesn’t seem to be able to grasp how a vaccine works, then why should we listen to such a fucking moron?

Sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this will just encourage promoscuity and lack of faithfulness in relationships?

Unfortunately not.