More from the wonderful log. You know who you are. Thanks.
RADIO 4 – GARDENER’S QUESTION TIME
“During the weather report half way through the programme, the forecaster said that tomorrow was the first day of autumn. Autumn doesn’t start until 23/09/08, and I found it quite depressing to have someone tell me my summer is over.”
Worthless turdgobbler.
GENERAL TV
“I’d like the BBC to do a programme investigating neuroleptics and their effects on people. It should be called ‘Cure or Torture’.”
Yeah, alright.
LAST CHOIR STANDING
“I am unhappy that viewers were invited to cast votes during the repeat of the programme. Confusion was added by subtitles across the screen advising that the lines were closed. I found the whole thing insulting to viewers.”
Ask a nurse to explain it to you.
RADIO 2 – PAUL GAMBACCINI
“I did not like this programme.”
Consider it cancelled.
NEW TRICKS
“I find it frightening that a character was seen injecting alcohol into an orange. I feel that this could give ideas to terrorists about how to poison fruit.”
It’s fine. Whenever they show someone injecting stuff into fruit, they always do it slightly wrong to fool evildoers. Anyway, you can’t stop people figuring this stuff out. If a terrorist REALLY wants to learn how to inject stuff into fruit, they can go to a training camp in Afghanistan.
133 Responses to “Complaints Backlog”
I’ve had a really fucking terrifying day. First of all I saw the postman putting letters through my letterbox. What if a terrorist had seen him? Now they’d have the idea that they could push smallpox through my letterbox!
Then I walked down the street, and I realised there are trees all down it. In the recent high winds one of them even blew down, potentially giving terrorists the idea to stand behind one with a saw, cutting through it just quickly enough to catch me with it as I walk past. Chilling.
Then I saw in the paper a headline saying “TERRORIST PLOT FOILED” which is REALLY worrying because apparently they described in court the mechanics of a terrorist plot and now OTHER terrorists could have the idea to do it. How irresponsible are our courts these days?
Finally there was a completely unexpected terrorism attack that no-one could have predicted and I was very upset that there was nobody to blame other than the terrorists.
did steve wright forget to give the temperature in fahrenheit this week?
or have the BBC finally listened to captain celsius (retired)
Bliss
Cure or Torture can’t be any less entertaining than Hole in the Wall.
And now, live from Norwich, with your host Anton du Bec, it’s Cuuuuuuuuuuuureeeeeeee or Torture.
Good afternoon everyone, contestant number 1 is a young girl who was raped and got bad aids. Now, she has to answer 3 questions right and we’ll vacinnate her til she’s cured, but if she gets one wrong, she’ll be waterboarded until she goes insane.
But first, singing his new hit, Shayne Ward
WTF? Should they have run the programme without subtitles to lesson confusion, therefore conning the watching public into phoning up pointlessly?
Ah. Wait. someone’s already done that.
Twat.
Quote #2 – Scientologist alert! (They’re terrified of their target market being cured, so they put out a lot of pseudoscience about how psychiatric medicine is evil.)
Andys,
I’d like to offer you the grand sum of £2.75 for that excellent idea for a TV show.
You don’t need to accept, we’ll produce it anyway as ‘Celebrity Cure or Death, but like this it looks as though we’re doing the decent thing.
Any suggestions for who we should have on the first show?
oops
‘
ENGLAND GETS A LUCKY BREAK…
-Listen Hassan, we’re getting nowhere fast. We’ve got to do something to strike back at the infidel.
-Ali, stop saying that! I know we have, but I can’t think of a single thing.
-Allah demands it!
- Ohh give it a rest Ali, come on, relax a bit. What’s on TV?… Eeeeeyah! Dennis Waterman’s looking older, ain’t he?
-Write the phemetune… Sing the phemetune.
- hahaha.. yeah… Whoa! What did he just do? Did you see that, Ali? It looked… I dunno… interesting.
-what?
- Waterman just injected some fruit or summink.
- Was it, like, a really really big needle, like ‘this’ big?
- hahhahhaaha.. Ali you’re such a cheesy nob. Wanna brew?
-Yeah, go on.
Correction:
Rape = Good Aids
Unprotected sex between consenting adults = Bad Aids
Got that?
“I find it frightening that a character was seen injecting alcohol into an orange. I feel that this could give ideas to terrorists about how to poison fruit.”
It was the same when Jamie Oliver made a vodka watermelon. Soon them forrens wil be making all our fruit either explosivible or into false children in order to get benefits.
Or I could be reading the point incorrectly, and this person is suggesting that “fruit”[sic], or homosexuals as they like to be known(bloody political correctness gone mad again. I remember when we called them rump rangers and they were glad of it) are the target of terrorists. But there is no need to worry, soon they will all be tattooed in order to be easier to identify, so the terrorists will leave us white,straght persecuted innocents be.
Well how else is an orange going to get a drink round here? They haven’t go a f’#@ing mouth you arsewit!
Given that every mutha-humping chav round here is guzzling alcopops as an alternative to having wit or personality, why should a humble orange be denied the plesure of being as absolutely out of its box as everyone else? Is it because they is an immigrunt fruit? They don’t grow on the trees down my way, they’re brought in by those slimy wops or farmed by saffas what are probably “blick”. You’re just a Fructist aren’t you? A low-down dirty fructist? “Look at them crater faced orange b@stards – coming over here, infiltrating our fruitbowls, denying good honest English apples their rightful place on the nation’s fruitplates!” I bet you think the bananananananas are in on it as well. You great throbbing polecat’s pudenda!
Look at it this way you Daily Mail reading twunt – you’re always bleating on about immigrunts not integrating – but can’t you see that’s what the BBC are trying to do? They’re integrating our foreign friends into good old British traditions – by getting them pissed.
Why shouldn’t they be as off their tits as everyone else – thrashing around ineffectually in pools of tears, vomit and alcohol – drowning in their own self-pity. It would make them more British – just like all those lovely white people in town-centres up and down the land – chugging pints of cheap vodka like it’s the only way to avoid impending Armageddon.
And you’d deny them this right of passage – just “because they’re forrin and don’t have a mouth”.
People like you make me sick.
It’s OK, it’s OK, calm down. Now go and hide under your Superman blanket and eat your cold tins of Heinz tomato soup* and everything will be OK…
* – if you leave any food out of the package too long (long enough to heat it, for example), terrorist farts leaked into your house could infect your food and give you aids.
Oh, erm, torture please.
oops, wrong thread.
*shrug*
*plays The Cure very loud int s&m millies’ ears*
mwuhahaha, I combine these two concepts, thus sealing your fate.
/gets coat
@Disgustipated
Bad AIDS obviously. Not like the good AIDS what you can get off of them them forrun prossies for bein’ a hetrosexssual REAL man or nuffin’
Actually, I think you’ll find that the autumn equinox was on the 22nd September. If you’re going to correct someone, at least be correct yourself, you good-for-nothing cuntybollocks.
Erm. He might be right you know. If summer ends on the 22nd, Autumn must start on the 23rd. Unless it ends at midday of course.
*gets coat of infinite pedantry, leaves*
*cunningly leaves behind the coat of infinite paediotricity he came with*
To be fair, Paul Gambaccina is a monstrous Cthulu’s Clunge.
Well, that depends on your point of view. The equinox was around tea-time on the 22nd, so any time after that is Autumn, in my (Englihs not BRIsith) view. And as far as I’m concerned, anything which shows someone who has a complaint on the BBC website as [even more of] a cock is fair comment.
Gambaccini
Even better!
(ps theres’ only one of me)
Well, that’s oranges off the menu now. What else should I avoid if I want to avoid catching the anthrax or some other dirty forrun disease?
dinnertime surely
Leonardo
hehe, I like this game.
@Simon… inspired. I’ve just ruptured the lining of my inner-cheek (Oooooooooooooh maaatron!) from biting down a desire to absolutely lose it guffawing at work. You may go home early as a reward, tell your boss I said so.
@ single millie
“theres’ only one of me”
I apologise deeply. I am genuinely ashamed of my grammar based twuntary.
*Burns useless english qualifications and walks home*
How presumptuous to assume everyone should adhere to the Gregorian system.
This is actually something of a grey area, bearing in mind that the vast majority of rape victims bring it on themselves, make it up and deserve it.
RADIO 4 – GARDENER’S QUESTION TIME
“During the weather report half way through the programme, the forecaster said that tomorrow was the first day of autumn. This discrimates against radio viewers in the Southern hemisphere for whom (not who) tomorrow is the first day of Spring.”
GENERAL TV
“I’d like the BBC to do a programme investigating neuroleptics and their possibilites for use as a mass destruction weapon by terrorists.”
LAST CHOIR STANDING
“I am unhappy that viewers were invited to cast votes during the repeat of the programme. Confusion was added by subtitles across the screen advising that the lines were closed. I found the whole thing insulting to viewers, especially those like me who tried to cast a vote anyway and got charged five UK pounds (not Euro) to listen to a recorded message.”
RADIO 2 – PAUL GAMBACCINI
“I did not like this programme. End of.”
NEW TRICKS
“I find it frightening that a character was seen injecting neuroleptics into people. Have the BBC been buying scripts from terrorists?.”
Two oranges in a pub. One says “you’re round”.
The other says “ok. Just let me down this syringe.”
Oh no AndyBir, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I just wanted to make the distinction between me, Millie, and my multiple personalities. The others all have different names.
Alex, tell me about it. Just the other day my mother told me that good honest straight people can get Aids, not only that but god-fearing catholics are more likely to get Aids for some reason, so that has to be good Aids.
Oh and get this: Black people are ACTUALLY CLASSED AS HUMAN and as such you CAN BE CONVICTED OF RAPE even if she’s black!!!!! There’s no way a darkie can have good aids, I think we need to reappraise the situation and implement a sliding scale from Holy Aids (being the best) for catholics who are just trying to avoid using a johnny through acceptable Aids, neutral Aids, politically correct leftie Aids, and finally Peado-Immigrant-Homo Aids, for all thems wot I dissnt lyke.
“Bank!”
Does someone really think terrorists are going to sit around all day injecting poison into fruit on the offchance? Do our terrorists really have nothing better to do?
Uh how the fuck do you think my granda felt when a german telt him,”For you Tommy the war is over………..”
Dear Speak Your Branes,
I am unhappy that the latest series of Complaints Log highlights didn’t included a request for Steve Wright to read the weather in Fahrenheit measurements. I feel that older viewers, who have few pleasures left in life, have been let down by this.
Yours Sincerely
Mrs Captain Fahrenheit (Retd)
Oranges are not the only fruit.
(Just thought it was time to bring an element of ginge-minged lesbianicity into the discussion.)
(Lesbianism is the least likely sexual proclivity to give you Aids, by the way.)
(Move along now. Nothing to see here.)
what, even if the mimsy-teeth caught on the fist and draw blood?
fuck me, i’ve been around hys too long. that has to be the least grammatical sentence i have ever written.
please accept my apologies
I can confirm that. Our nunnery hasn’t had a single instance of Holy Aids and we see more scissor action that the wrapping counter at Harrods.
But your maj, how do you classify the Aids passed on by peedo cafflick priests (of which we have a many & varied supply) to choirboys.Its a cross between holy Aids and bad peedo-homo Aids, so what do you call that then eh?
I suggest “Choirboy occupational hazard”
Kowalski – I think that depends on whether there were bruises, and if it was the high road or the low road.
Alex: “This is actually something of a grey area, bearing in mind that the vast majority of rape victims bring it on themselves, make it up and deserve it”. Here, here! As my partner once said, to confuse a Mail reader grilling him on the topic of abortion, ‘On one hand I am with the pro-choice lobby who say it’s alright to kill unborn children, but on the other, I am with the pro-lifers who say women shouldn’t have any say over their own bodies’. Strangely enough, that shut the twat right up.
Also – when will the Catholic church make an announcement on which AIDS category its paedo-priests belong to? I mean, I know it took them until 1975 to admit the earth was round, but we need clarification: is it good AIDS cos it’s ‘men of God’ spreading it abaaht or is it bad AIDS cos it’s paedoriffic? I guess they’ll get round to it once they try and work out a reason to let themselves off condoning the Holocaust.
Relax, I’m just being sardonically tangential.
Totally off-topic this one is from The Sun (indeed) and their recent campaign against water-wasting at starbucks:
While I have always thought along the latter lines that starbucks is shite, I really do feel a need to point out something. News International demand extra advertising fees from Starbucks who refuse to cough up. Hence the two-minute-hate and rabble rousing to hit them back at their over-the-counter revenue. Well done rodneycs for identifying yourself as a no-longer anonymous member of the mob.
Patronising Starbuck: Ooooh, who’s a good little pilot for the fleet? You are! YOU are! Now run along; Adama’s looking for you.
Can gays get Good Aids from blood transfusions, or is it still Bad AIDS? I for one am stumped.
Only heterosexuals can get Good AIDS from a transfusion – the evil in gay blood just turns the Good AIDS bad. Everyone knows THAT, Alex!
What I want to know is, if an Ingerlish (not British) decent type needs a transfusion BUT the AIDS in it is from a forrun or a gay, do they get Bad Aids cos of the origins of the blood or is it Good AIDS cos it’s not their fault they need a tranfusion? So many things to ponder in today’s modern world – where’s St. Thomas Aquinas when you need him?
Only heterosexuals can get Good AIDS from a transfusion – the evil in gay blood just turns the Good AIDS bad. Everyone knows THAT, Alex!
What I want to know is, if an Ingerlish (not British) decent type needs a transfusion BUT the AIDS in it is from a forrun or a gay, do they get Bad Aids cos of the origins of the blood or is it Good AIDS cos it’s not their fault they need a transfusion? So many things to ponder in today’s modern world – where’s St. Thomas Aquinas when you need him?
Dunno what happened there. Soz.
PS I know what happened to Thomas Aquinas after all – check this out:
‘…he undertook the journey. On the way, he stopped at the castle of a niece and there became seriously ill’. From Wikipedia.
Clearly he paedofied her then got the Bad AIDS. Case closed.
What kind of AIDS is it if it’s two proper white heterosexuals having safe sex, and the condom splits, passing on the AIDS secretly passed onto normal people by the government through Polish migrant workers shaking hands with you after they’ve finished your extension?
You can get AIDS from Wikipedia???? God that’s awful! My kid got study AIDS from his school just before his GCSEs, does that mean he’s gay or has he been peedoed?
I think Christian Aids OK isn’t it? Or is that where the bad priests go? How are we supposed to stay safe? I’m very worried. Littlejohn says it’s all the fault of something called ‘poovery’. Is that a type of diarrhoea?
St Michael’s rector: homosexuals should have their backsides tattooed with the slogan: “Sodomy can seriously damage your health”
so would that be a subtle reference to catching bad aids, then?
This is the most recommended post from Are expectations of victory in Afghanistan unrealistic?…
HYS thinks we invaded Afghanistan to pinch their opium industry and that the NATO Alliance secretly does sentry-duty on the poppy crops and encourages expanding production. Nothing gets past those canny HYSers, eh?
Tony bLIAR and Gordon CLOWN earn Nectar points every time they have to buy more supplies for the wars in Iraq in Afghanistan. That’s why we invaded those countries! WAKE UP PEOPLE!
I was recently wed.
Can I get Marital AIDS?
From the US Presidential ‘Debate’ thread:
OK,as you wish. Note to any Americans reading HYS: not all British people are complete fucktards like Mr. Jolly.
Note to self: ensure you spell own name correctly before calling other people fucktards.
Idiot. He knows we went there to…er..promote democracy and freedom wasn’t it? Or was it about that pipeline business? Or something about wedding parites? Wait a mo, it was to give a raison d’etre for NATO wasn’t it, to prove that they are not a dcomplete waste of the tax payer’s money that couldn’t fight their way out of a whore house. Certainly nothing to do with flooding the Russian and Chinese markets with cheap herion. Absolutely not. It’s pure coincidence.
To be honest, he doesn’t sound very jolly, does he?
ooh ooh I know! I know! It was to smoke bad guys.
Here’s a good ‘un from one of the comments in Nick Robinson’s blog:
“Where will Nu-BoringLiars steal their money from now? Oh yeah… us.
But YOU will pay in the long run Nu-Labour. An eternity of suffering awaits you in the sulphurous pits of Hell.”
Yeah…! Take THAT, Gordon Clown!
I live next door to Mr Jolly…
YOU’RE Escorts Best-Courts!
The Escorts Best-Courts??
The “I’ve been out with Nicola Parsons” Escorts Best-Courts???
Phwoar!
I had a dream about this once actually. I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in a sticky mess, and all the school children started laughing at me and calling me a paedo.
Then I woke up again in an even stickier mess.
Never mind credit crunch poetry. The crazy fools at the beeb have instituted a sensible discussion on how the EU can ease the financial crisis with a requirement for posters to be knowledgeable and with stricter moderation. My favourite bit?
Published comments:98
Rejected comments:184
I can hear the impotent rage of 184 HYSers from here.
Impotent is one of the best words to describe a HYS poster. Wish they were all impotent so the fuckturds couldn’t breed.
[blockquote] ooh ooh I know! I know! It was to smoke bad guys. [\blockquote]
Smoking bad guys? Not under the PC ZaNuLiarBore fascist PC smoking ban. I tried smoking al-Zawahiri the other day in the pub and some Health and Safety Scottish asylum-seeker EU Officer stopped me and made me pay a fine, which no doubt goes to pay for opium in Afghanistan.
You couldn’t it up.
What kind of AIDS is it if it’s two proper white heterosexuals having safe sex, and the condom splits
Well as their heterosexuals one of them is obviously a man and the other a woman, so that makes it “Rape AIDS” as any HYS poster knows that anyone with a penis is a lust-crazed rapist just waiting to happen.
Whether it’s good rape AIDS or bad rape AIDS depends entirely on whether the woman has an orgasm or not.
“Whether it’s good rape AIDS or bad rape AIDS depends entirely on whether the woman has an orgasm or not.”
The female orgasm? Pah! No such thing! It’s just a fabricated construct of the feminist PC brigade.
Where did S&M millie go, we could use you at the clown porn emporium.
we’d use multicoloured hanky’s instead of rope and chains
it would be a battery powered rabbit pulled out of the hat, and a whole different take on the squirty nose….
(ok its a slow afternoon in hell)
I completely agree. I’ve had sex with almost three women and I can assure you none of them ever even came close to this made-up state.
We have her under lock and key, she was causing a public disturbance in Old Compton Street, VERY pissed she was, we’re going to let her sleep it off for a few hours then drive her home. Or wherever it is she calls home nowadays.
Please don’t encourage her. Like she doesn’t do enough clowning as it is!
almost 3 women? aren’t you supposed to dismember them *afterwards*?
I thought he meant one of them was a transexual or a midget or something.
Or possibly a transexual midget.
On the other hand he might have meant that he had had “relations” with 3 women but had blown his load just as he was about to insert the beef into the kebab (so to speak).
Or perhaps he prematurely ejaculates over transexual midgets.
It’s a thought, isn’t it?
From the HYS debate on the cut in interest rates:
Lovely.
All benefit claimants are by definition “lazy, stupid, scrounging deviant scum” – so, no generalisation there then from a middle-class cockroach’s scrotum who would be the first in the queue screaming at the benefit claim clerk for every penny he’s “entitled” to as a taxpayer within 3 seconds of being sacked as a direct result of the impending global economic recession.
I would love to be the claims clerk who tells him “sorry arse-wipe, but the benefits you’re entitled to have been slashed to only a pittance so that the Government can safegaurd the economic security of the middle-class.”
I wonder what shade of purple he’d turn then…?
I’m presuming it’s two and the third managed to get away.
Well, Dr S, its a very nice shade, almost red in places, and highly satisfying
Well, as long as it gets cheap gack for me & my mates, thats all right! Who cares how many rag heads have to end up on the receiving end of an Apache gunship!
Ooooooo, we do smileys! never knew that
clearly this refers to female sheep,
Almost a woman is still a girl, isn’t it?
is almost three women actually three transsexuals just waiting for the final op into womanhood?
Here’s a wee gem from HYS regarding the bank bail-out plan:
“If you are not frothing at the mouth angry and plotting an armed rebellion, you either don’t understand what happening or you are making a tidy profit from this.”
I’d say that if you’re not frothing at the mouth and plotting armed rebellion then you’re “mentally stable”, but then…maybe I’m stupid.
Since I’m stupid, I should probably start sponging some benefits. Thanks for the advice, Tony Poland.
mmm… because you’re clearly middle-class, aren’t you? Your post radiates with the thwack of leather on willow and the crunch of the Rover on the gravel drive. The red-brick home-counties shine through your educated, nay erudite, text. Your post lit me with images of privet-hedges, Tuscan-villas, labradors and green wellies. Mother gardening the hydrangeas whilst father does The Times crossword (sans stylo), listening to Radio Four. Bordeaux with Roast Lamb for Sunday Dinner (not Lunch) and the elegant flow of wide ranging conversation.
But more than anything else, your post is irrefutably the product of a well-drilled public school where the love of precision English was permanently installed into your priviledged, well-fed mind.
There is no doubt, you are middle class. You are clearly not someone who is one frantic step ahead of the poor, down-trodden people you seem to loathe beyond reason. Oh no.
I vote we blitzkrieg Tony Poland.
I thought it was possible to be lazy, deviant *and* middle class. I’ve been managing it most of my life after all.
One thing I always find fascinating about HYS is that the hard-core tub-thumpers always bang on about scroungers and spongers and their stolen taxes and how they have to work themselves into an early grave while the baby-factory chavette next door watches sky on a big plasma etc etc.
But give them a green thread during office hours(like today) and they’re all there; post post post post post post.
Is it possible that these Little-Hitlers can beat themselves into a frenetic apoplexy about scrougers… on the dole?
I like this one. An utterly unashamed case of “I’M MIDDLE CLASS, SELF-ENTITLED AND BETTER THAN YOU AND THEREFORE DESERVE SPECIAL TREATMENT”. Nice they’re not hiding it any more.
@ Dr Shade
Ahem… I believe that the correct aphorism is…
The Ginner Lesbian just stole it and used it for her own nefarious purposes, just like the filthy deviant she is.
@Blind Pew
I thank you, you kindest of personages. I always find a few typos here and there enhance a good rant. (Sadly I didn’t – I stayed late. I’ll keep your recommendation in mind next time I need to go early though. Sadly I’m not in her good books – the age old debate about whether children should be smacked or not raised it’s ugly head in the office and I blotted my copybook by suggesting that it’s alright to give them a little puff or the occasional alcopop; but the little bastards can stay away from my H.
)
Why would cutting benefits help the banks anyway? They don’t pay the benefits out, the government does.
Besides, when benefits are stopped so that the comfy middle classes can remain comfy, does he think that the poor will
a) be motivated to get jobs (in the middle of a recession),
b) stay at home and think “well that’s me told” and die quietly,
c) go round to the houses of smug aspiring-to-be-middle-class ladder-pulling-up gits like Tony Poland and nick all their shiny stuff?
People who think that a bit of hardship for the middle classes is the worst possible outcome of a depression clearly didn’t see the results of the last big one in the 1930’s.
Good point, Mal – where the fuck is Tony ‘The Cunt’ Poland getting this notion from that middle-class folk can’t be lazy, work-shy scroungers? I’m thoroughly middle-class and I was Dole Scum for years. I ought to go round his house and before I beat him to death with a hardback copy of Das Kapital (it seems apposite), confuse him to the point of begging for that death by me being the dichotomy of his nightmares.
Mind you, he’d probably think I deserved all those benefits just for having an embarrassingly posh ‘real’ name. Twunt (him, I mean; that’s not my name).
Three-way sex. Includes fisting and a mechanical device that holds her mouth open as he ejaculates onto her face, upon which a clown smile has been drawn.
Wrong link, should have been this one.
So can anyone tell me what the “credit crunch poetry” looks like on HYS at the minute? I can’t bear the excitement to click myself!!!!111
I hate this “Credit Crunch”;
Media Nonsense,
Hype not reality.
Ed
The poetry thing is just brilliant – it needs a new thread here so we can put stuff on there.
Yes… Flipside said poppers.
But on a credit crunch note – I’m liking
22 people think this ‘recommended’,
Perhaps, if taste and good sense are suspended.
Do you think I’m a pedant, that’s ok, you can.
I just think it’s vital the last line should scan, if possible.
True Rotwatch.
But the middle classes take their family meal in the evening… hence, dinner. *This is me doing my insufferably smug patronising vicar’s smile.*
Post Scriptum: The prediliction for OSP to dine on the Sabbath in the evening is possibly a historical throwback relating to the high price of candles, or so I would imagine. Would you be so good as to pass the port, please Colonel.
*pushes ugly spectacles back to the top of beaky nose*
Look over there.
where?
Latest evidence of the sad decline of educational standards in this nation: none of the people writing credit crunch haiku can count
It’s meant to be 5 / 7 / 5 syllables. No wonder you invested all your money in Kerry Katona’s Iceland, imbecile!
Thanks Bekele – I’m glad you shared your “gift” with me.
What rhymes with Bekele Woyecha
ukelele pooeater?
Rectum Stretcher?
While honestly wishing to avoid any ugly racial overtunes, is Bekele one of the infinite number of monkeys who sit at an infinite number of typewriters?
I give to you the HYS Haiku:
Have your say posters
are a mass of pustulous
animal fannies
Expanding on the monkey typewriter theme – He was halfway through Hamlet as well… unlucky..
“Time is out of joint oh cursed spite,
that I start writing The writing takes over…” etc
To be or not to be
There is the being,
In being it gives me courage to be been.
Not being is like not being been.
I am be! Not not be! The more being there is the… more… being… there… is…
be
beb
bebe
bebebe
bebebebe
Are sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And lose the name of Action.
Extract of output from typewriter ref: 1667448329945312, 08/10/08
Except on Sundays. Sunday lunch is eaten at lunchtime, on Sunday. There may be some deviants who eat frugally at the Sabbatarian meridiem, only to feast hugely after sunset, and I’d grant you that such people (obviously one doesn’t know any) would call that meal “Sunday dinner”. But one simply doesn’t know anyone (well, anyone who is anyone) who would do such a thing. Pip pip!
A Have Your Say writer
Must often bear the brunt
Of being rather like a
Dismembered llama cunt.
I realise that the rhyme in the third line wasn’t great, but I’m sure the sentiment more than makes up for it.
Or an acrostic:
Have Your Say is not the best
Avenue to air one’s views
Very racist are its members
Every contributor is a moron
Young people, immigrants or blacks
Ordinary middle-class tax-paying whites
Underachievers or rich execs
Rejected, by Britain’s rednecks
Some would argue that it’s funny
Abusing these self-righteous shits
Yearning to be rid of ZanuLiarBore
I think they should all be rounded up &
Shot in a field and burned,
Say, or maybe given bad AIDS and no meds
Hacking off their ears and feeding them
In a pie or similar sundry goods
To the amusement of all.
I thank you.
Have Your Say.
Or better,
Don’t.
How are their thousands of responses to ‘Will you be celebrating National Poetry Day?’ Surely there can only be 3 responses;
1. No, I’m not really interested in poetry.
2. Ooh yes, I love both reading and writing poetry.
3. Well I would’ve done but no doubt the liberal commie PC facist brigade will find some way to tax us indigenous brits trying to celebrate OUR National Poetry Day while the gay, disabled immigrants get free poetry handouts and a complementary copy of Keats. I’m off to Spain.
All grammatical errors inserted for irony of course..
I think you’re all being mean. Bekele Woyecha is all write by me.
Relax, I’ve already got my coat, taxi waiting outside, advanced plans to shoot myself in the sense of “humour”.
Speedo Talking Sam, you ruined it with the last line. HAVE YOUR SAY IS SHITI is just silly.
I Yam an HYS po-ster,
I like to post my mind.
I’m cul-tured, wise and sen-si-ble,
And I can speak in rhymes.
I know a lot a-bout a lot,
Cos I have been to school,
So to the world I give my gift
Of wisdom. Listen fool!
Gordon is an I-di-ot.
The world is in a mess.
When I’m PM, by half past ten,
Day One, it will be best.
The poor are poor be-cause they smell
The rich are rich and bad.
Im-mi-grunts are la-zy cunts
And PC had gone mad.
The fat are fat be-cause their weak
The BBC is commie
The youth today are chavs or gay
Except for good old Tommie.
And Eu-rope makes me want to puke,
They hate our pounds and oun-ces.
They want to make us wear hi-jabs,
And pro-tect all the non-ces.
Now is Bri-tain used to be so great.
Nu-Liar-bore loves to break it.
I’ll tell you why they are all wrong.
But do sod all to change it.
There goes Jeannie with her new boyfriend.
I read through 17 posts just to get to this line.
Relax, I’m Joe Jackson.
shit bollocks fuck wank cock tits arse cuntbiscuits
Take that ‘is’ out of the 1st line, last verse! Without that ‘is’, I was looking at a late-entry Nobel Prize For Lit, no question. Ooooh so close. Genius is always trumped by painstaking lesser men.
I would like to know
Why are all these twunts so shit
At writing haiku?
CREDIT EBB
I know what my heart is like
Since the money flow died:
It is like a hollow ledge
Holding a little pool
Left there by the tide,
A little tepid pool,
Drying inward from the edge.
Classic! Thanks Bekele Woyecha.
Also Mr Cat, the poster that posted that posting.
Blind Pew – when that moaning git Simon Armitage gives up his post as Poet Laureate in the near future, I think you’d be a shoo-in as his successor. I not only greatly enjoyed the poem (don’t fret about the typo), but also admired your shameless disregard for doing ‘real work’ in favour of spending far too long on here. Or are you one of those dole-scrounging chav bastards my dear chum Tony Poland goes on about and you have no job? For shame!
Ahhhhhh bless you, Rotwatch, my child. Your earthy naivetee is so touching. It has the firm smack of the solid lower-middle-middle classes. Good honest English yeomanry and all the better for it, I say.
Indeed, as you say, there may be, though I shudder to include myself, such people to whom ‘Sunday lunch’, (such a charming colloquialism), is indeed the highlight of our Lord’s day of rest, and far be it from me to wish to limit such ancient, bucolic, rural practices, but I simply believe that if one does not know anyone who dines after evensong, then one must be forced to draw certain inevitable conclusions about whom one knows. Now I must dash, the verger seems to be having far more trouble than one would think possible in assisting the choirboys with their cassocks. He always seems to take an absolute eon. If you’ll excuse me…
It doesn’t matter what socio-economic grouping you’re part of, if you’re a Northerner, there’s no such meal as lunch. Breakfast, dinner and tea – for rich, middling and poor alike. End of story.
Relax, I’m just a painting by L S Lowry.
As I start sleeping
The sleeping takes over
Of what I am sleeping
That is why I’m sleeping
As a sleeper
Who should sleep
To make sure sleeping
Gives him the courage to sleep
Whose sleeping
Encourages others to sleep
Who become sleepers
That sleep sleeping
And enjoy sleeping.
*Yawn*
@Bit Special
You forgot *Fish Supper*.
As Steve Coogan said the other night in his latest ‘gritty but heart-warming real northern sit-com’,
entering house with several paper-wrapped packets of fish and chips “Ooooh Fish and Chips. Crackin’. Come on then, get the plates. You can keep your fancy foreign stuff, it’s fish and chips for me everytime… eating, appreciating, ‘mmm’ noises… And you can say what you like, but for my money, nobody makes good honest old fashioned fish and chips… like the chinese.”
More from credit crunch poetry. According to P Tucker, Woking, UK, the answer to where the dosh has gone is
Seriously dirty money! Wonder if laundering would reduce the good/bad AIDS risk?
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