Slightly Funnier Than Chris Moyles
By KelvinEveryone loves a good rant about how Gor-blimey-he-must-have-downs-syndrome Clown-shoes-because-we’ll-all-be-walking-everywhere-soon has ruined this economy by inviting in all the brown people and not paying off our mortgages for us as soon as it became obvious we’d overstretched ourselves. But sooner or later you find yourself panting and spent, the last dregs of your fury washed away in the cleansing fire of HYS and the empty white box still isn’t sated. It’s never sated. Can’t muster any more rage? Then let’s hear your poetry. Shit at poetry? I mean, shit on an epic, not-good-enough-for-HYS scale? Then tell us your credit crunch jokes!
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Niall Davidson Petch, Lincoln, UK
An excellent repurposing of that joke about lawyers there. Which was originally told around the campfire by Cro-Magnon man about Neanderthals.
I’ve re-named my morning bowl of muesli at the desk Credit Crunch.
Robert Fulford, London, UK
I’m surprised you can find it on a desk full of gonks and “you don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps!!!” signs.
Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: ‘I don’t want any money – I just want you to start lending to each other…
David, Cambridge, UK
I think this is supposed to be a joke, but it could equally go in the straight-faced “how would you solve the credit crunch” thread and look like one of the saner suggestions.
Why did the Banker cross the road? – Because he stapled himself to the chicken.
Charles Brockley, Norwich , Norfolk, UK
Ha, those wacky bankers! That’s exactly the kind of thing they’d do while their entire sector is melting down around their ears. They’d staple themselves to a chicken! My zany mate Robert Fulford, that’s exactly the kind of thing he’d get up to! Wacky.
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Emma Ives, Dorking, Surrey, UK
While back in the UK, the Emma Ives Joke Bank reminds us that the credit crunch is definitely no laughing matter. Let’s see if we can help her out.
Q: What’s Brown and sticky?
A: Gordon!
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks “Why won’t the media talk about how Gordon sold our gold reserves? I want MY GOLD”.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It needed to nationalise a couple of banks and they were on the other side. Nationalise in name only, obviously. There’d be no seat on the board or anything crazy like that. It’s only a fucking chicken.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an immigrant go into a bar but only the immigrant and Scotsman can afford to buy drinks because the Englishman is being taxed out of existence by the Scottish PC mafia.
100 Responses to “Slightly Funnier Than Chris Moyles”
i’d be struck off the clown circuit for coming out with material like that – except I already am, apparently putting a spinning bowtie on your cock is no longer acceptable entertainment
(feels kinda nice though)
How many investment bankers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’re all a bunch of fuckers and if any of them see any light for the next twenty years it’ll be four billion yeares too soon. BURN THE CUNTS! BURN THEIR FUCKING HEADS OFF AND PISS DOWN THEIR WINDPIPES!
Is that a good enough summary of the sort of thing that’s on there?
Am I the only one who found Emma Ives’ jokes a tiny, weeny little bit funny?
Yes?
Oh.
Robert Fultard is my favourite, renaming his cereal – credit crunch, thats awesome, I want to be as funny as Robert one day. He is undoubtable the office cunt that really thinks he is funny but actually every one hates him and avoids him at the christmas party. the fact that he eats museli (sounds a bit like muslim, maybe he is a forrun?) just compounds my pre-conceived idea that he is a weedy speccy little twat who actually took time out of his day to write that horse bollocks on the internet in a vague misguided belief that he is funny. you aren’t funny Robert, the only funny thing you could do jam your cock in the paper shredder and avoid any chance of you being able to spawn any similarly unfunny cunts in the future.
- oh that feels better
@Tom.
No. Her’s was quite good, which probably means she’s plagiarised it from somewhere else and disgraced herself by putting it on HYS. Silly cow.
I have a mental picture of Colin Hunt from The Fast Show.
“Where’s the pork?!!?!”
Hmmm… there isn’t really a spontaneous coining of new jokes for a story as dull and intangible as a monetary crisis.
What we need is some kind of foreign cellar based paedo child rape. That kind of thing always generates a few zingers.
Relax, I’m Frankie Boyle
The credit crunch cereal one was made in an old episode of the Now show, so very little originality. What a suprise….
Q: Why did the investment banker cross the road?
A: It’s all nuliarbore’s fault.
Q: How many hedge fund managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I blame the cheap foreign labour, coming over here, taking our jobs, for the failure of the bulb.
Q: How many HYS contributors does it tkae to change a lightbulb?
A: YOU COULNDT MAKE IT UP!!!!!
Bank!
If my financial situation gets any worse, I will have to downgrade to one trouser.
you joke freddy, but I might have to cancel my subscription to bangkok lady chick boys.
Q: Why did the Banker pledge to guarantee all consumer bank deposits by allowing the Treasury to take interest-paying but non-voting preference shares in a special liquidity scheme aimed at improving inter-bank lending confidence.
A: Because he’s an utter twat who should be jailed for stealing MY taxes!
There can only be one credit crunch!
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Credit+Crunch/
Q: Why did Gordon Clown partially nationalise the banks?
A: Because he’s godless commie scum
“Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: ‘I don’t want any money – I just want you to start lending to each other…”
Lifted straight from a cartoon in the London Lite, so a fine combination of unfunny and unoriginal.
No, I think you’ll find the last time Iceland had a crash like this, Stuart Harley of West Malvern was contributing to the lower classes’ addiction to benefits by spunking inside Kerry Katona on the chicken freezer. Is it really so much to ask that even one of the “jokes” on that fucking page is even halfway funny – even causing me to raise one muscle at the side of my mouth would do. But nothing. The whole bunch of them should be gassed.
QUESTION: How did you end up being the unfunniest fucking fuckface in all the fucking world? For fucks’ sake.
ANSWER: …?
Why did the Bangkok lady chick boy cross the road?
To escape from Fucko The Clown
Sorry.
Sounds like a job for… Ta-Ta-Taaaa! Speak Your Branes!
Put your Money where your mouth is, People! (And your mouth where the money was. It’s Crunch Time!)
Yeah, it’d have to be for geography students only, because their entire reason for existence is to colour things in. Because noone who actually had a real purpose in life or qualifications in something meaningful or any sense of humour could possibly find your piece of meaningless shit funny, you utter cock-faced batshit.
@ Lifted straight from a cartoon in the London Lite
What’s worse is that some of these jokes were lifted from HYS and printed in thelondonpaper yesterday, including the £3.50 one. So it was doubly recycled.
Commenters, if you could at least try to be funnier and/or more original than HYS itself, we’d really appreciate it.
It’s no good. I’ve been sitting here for literally twenty, thirty seconds trying to think up a half-decent Barclays Bank/Wank cockney rhyming slang gag, and I fear I’ve shot my load. As it were.
no no no, she was off to get her transexual brother for a bit of a twos up incest ladyboy gangbang with a clown.
Q. Why did I cross the road?
A. Because seeing some of the attempts at humour in this comments thread makes me feel dead inside and I’m just hoping to be hit by a car so I can feel something – anything – again.
Why did the banker cross the road?
To avoid the Army recruitment centre. If we’d had conscription the bankers wouldn’t have lost money as they would have learned self-discipline while in the Army and wouldn’t have leant so much money to immigrints who only come here to apply for our mortgages intending to never pay them back.
What was that thing you said about Spoof-poster’s law again…
if it looks like a twat and quacks like a twat, you’ve got to assume it is a twat until proved otherwise. I’ll be sure to include a big friendly disclaimer on all future posts… ok?
Quack! (satirically)
Bank! (with toungue in cheek)
Twat! (with barely concealed scowl)
Come on, Mondeo, do it. Do it!
There was a Japanese banking crisis in 1998. Searching on Google’s Usenet archive confirms that Emma Ives’s piece was being posted then, more than ten years ago.
She couldn’t just email this old tat to the people unfortunate enough to know her though, could she? She had to regurgitate it onto a high-traffic website so that thousands of strangers would have to sighingly ignore it, while she sits there all proud like a cat next to the mangled remnants of a sparrow. Somebody should rub her nose in it.
Anyway, what do you get if you cross a banker with a Bangkok lady chick boy?
His gratitude. Hah!
Still slightly funnier than Chris Moyles* though, innit?
* – That is, unless the joke was Chris Moyles being raped to death by a gang of Bangkok lady chick boys.
You know, with all this talk of the financial sector, it’s a pity there’s not an appropriate SYB catchphrase someone could put near the end of their post, or even just as the entirety of their comment. Something short and snappy, maybe with one syllable, that might somehow relate to the industry most affected by the credit crunch.
Meusli!
I don’t get the stapled to chicken one at all. Why stapled? Why a chicken?
This, for me, is what makes HYS hilarious. The sense of collective achievement that oozes from the screen like dirty gravy.
damn you fucko the clown. i was going to make an amusing play on robert fultard’s name but it turns out you got his name wrong so i can’t
fuck it, i’m going to do it anyway
robert fultard? robert fucktard more like.
still, these wands are trying to lift all our spirits, even if their jokes are appalling. you have to give them credit (crunch) for that.
I had a cheque returned earlier. “Insufficient Funds” Mine or the banks?
Pyers Symon, Worcester
Not only is this not remotely funny, he also has the name of a complete fuckwit
FACT!!1!
AndyS, I think I’d rather contract AIDS than have my spirit lifted by that bunch of vulvas.
I’d bet you half a metric litre of fannybatter that these tards aren’t doing anything in the name of lifting anyone else’s spirits.
are you celebrating the olympic parade?
fuck off you unfunny cunt
oh fuck off you unfunny cunt.
fucksocks
I’ve been telling this one to anyone who dares listen since I assaulted my sense of humour with it yesterday. It’s the joke that’s got everything – except humour and a recognisable likeness to a joke.
HYS: “Tell us your jokes, oh oppressed retarded masses”
Jen: “Ooh, jokes, I have loads of them. I think I’ll tell my ‘unjokely account of something I can pretend I’ve been doing in the office that is sort of related to the question, even though it isn’t a question, it’s a request for jokes”
Knew there was a reason I hated Ipswich. Apart from Paul Mariner, that is. Turns out it’s Jen’s fault!
GEDDIT?
RETRIEVERS ARE DOGS
TO RETRIEVE IS TO RECOVER
THE ISLE OF DOGS IS A PLACE
IT MIGHT HAVE A BUILDING SOCIETY
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Jez” makes me think of Jez North in Brasseye – Quadraspazzed on a life support machine.
From “Blue Peter @ 50 – Your Knee Jerk Reactions Please”
Fair point, it did go a bit shit once they stopped using real people.
In the 70s, Noakes et al covered stuff which was really relevant and interesting. I hardly ever missed it. The stuff on Blue Peter today is just stupid childish nonsense. It’s definitely been dumbed down.
I quite like this one. It’s got absolutely sod-all to do with the credit crunch, and it’s not trying to be in any way funny.
It’s like a big “fuck you” to all the people who’ve posted shit jokes they heard on Mock the Week in the vain hope that some hot internet babe will see it and immediately drive to Aberwystwyth to give them a suck job while they try and think of funny ways to spoof Gordon Brown’s name.
Charles Brockley (Norwich), I salute you.
A: the PC health and safety brigade will make you fill in forms first and now the commie-EU are banning good old-fashioned light bulbs with eco ones so I’m surprised anyone gets to change a lightbulb.
I’m sure there’s a joke somewhere about crossing the road and the HYSers fury about bin collections but having had to sit next to a fat bloke reading the Express on the way to work I’m just too tired and despondent.
now, if susanna page is 6, i like this a lot.
if, however, she’s not a small child she needs a damn good shoeing
Yeah, when they started letting immigrants like Q’oni Huk present it instead of real people it all went downhill. When will the “B”BC respect my rights not to have to look at sub-humans?
Lifted wholesale and without even the wit or imagination to change the sum of money involved from here:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/blog/2008/oct/16/marketturmoil-creditcrunch
Emma’s joke has passed through my Inbox about thirty times in the last five years, so on the grounds of longevity alone it must be a keeper, but it’s a stale as a Mandelson. Never made me laugh, though.
I bet you do, you peedo.
Must be an absolute riot in Jen’s Ipswich office. Bingo is a game where brightly coloured numbered balls come out of a machine, so how in the name of fuck do you do that with phrases referring to the credit crunch? Do they have 90 different phrases with a number associated to each? Are her workmates as gripped with mirth about this as she obviously is, or do they all want to tie her to the nearest lamppost and blast her with her own shite?
Samwel, aren’t all litre’s metric? anyway, its far to unspecific unless you say who’s fannybatter you are betting with. I mean if you are talking dawn french, i’ll not be interested in such a contest, however, kelly Brooks freshly harvested fannybatter, I might be up for a wager.
now then back to some joke about why some cunt crossed some form of fucked up road paid for by cash raped motorists cos darling and brown were too busy sucking of immigrants to fix it.
i’m not a paedo, i’m not a paedo
On a similar vein, see these comments on a Daily Mail article about Question Time’s move to Glasgow:
Say, how about the BBC move to Bangkok? They’ll save a few bob on documentaries about kiddy fiddling British expats. (Admit it Rollo, why else would you be there?)
Och-eye-the-noo, CUNT.
yeah AndyS the exact same defense used by gary glitter. It’s trial by internet in this day and age, the evidence is heavily pointing that you are infact as noncy as jonathan King, Micheal Jackson and the glitter put together.
Rollo Tomasi should trying going to Keighley. I imagine they’d have more problems with his accent (amongst other things…), then he would with theirs. At least then maybe he’d escape with actual brain damage rather than the drippings of gobshite he’s spewing out over our beloved HYS. Did I say beloved? Sorry, I’ll go and wash.
goddamit. i would appear to be bang to rights.
do you want my address so you can burn my house down?
What would it look like if you were to get together all the gas you will ever fart? It would look like Chris Moyles: The only shit we’ve ever seen with legs.
Thanks, Cassetteboy.
Sweet Baby Jeebus!
The baffling situation being that most of these soggy equine mingeflaps think their barely coherent ramblings are actually funny.
Just when I thought I couldn’t get any lower – I clicked on the link and allowed the putrescent textual vomit of a dozen unformed minds assault my eyes. Now I have a reason to live. Unfocussed, barely contained rage.
For e.g.
Fuck right off you fucking asshat – fuck right of back to whatever redneck shitsville backwater that spawned you and never darken my tft again! Curl up in a corner and wither like the dried-up, wankstained tissue of a fuckwart you are. What the fuck made you think that “witty” riposte was edifying enough to broadcast to the rest of the planet, rather than merely being used to bore the obese, spotty arses off the microscopic circle of acquantainces who tolerate your mean little existence as part of a vain attempt to convince them that you are both up-to-date with current affairs and humourous. I bet you believe in the power of crystals, the toothfairy and the good ol’ American Dream you gullible sack of cetecean sputum!
Maybe the creationists have a point? If there really was such a function in operation as natural selection then most of this fucktards would never have existed, rather than settling for splashing noisily about in the shallow end of the gene pool?
In the name of all that’s holy – just fuck of and die the lot of you unfunny wastes of skin and stop wasting the precious air that the rest of us need to continue our valuable existences.
Aaaaaaand relax!
See? Better already.
She’s referring to “Bullshit Bingo”. It’s something you do to pass the time if you’re unfortunate enough to work in a large corporation, surrounded by brain-dead corporate robots in their fucking stupid suits. You waste an inordinate amount of time sitting around in non-smoking meeting room listening to these dull cunts trying to explain their crackpot ideas to a load of other equally dull cunts who invariably will agree with every fucking word drawled no matter how non-sensicial it is because the only thing that’s really on their mind is how they can best keep their shitty irrelevant overpaid jobs at whatever cost. Asinine knee-jerk agreement with a load of like-mind cunts is the invariable result.
“Bullshit Bingo” helps you to avoid sleeping through this shit. Before the meeting you hand out cards with corporate catch-phrases written on them (“bottom line”, “going forward”, “money channel”, etc) and cross them off when they’re spoken. The one who get’s the least has to pay for the beers in the pub afterwards.
I thought this must be a spoof, what with “curl one off” meaning to take a dump, so I looked at his other posts. He genuinely is a proverbial turd.
And Chris Moyles is the personification of the Queen Mother’s fanny batter, which was collected in jars until the supply dried up in 1946 and has since been kept in a gamekeeper’s shed at Balmoral.
I’m glad you bottomed that out and covered it off, happy to discuss.
Get the beers in.
don’t worry andys, i’ve found all paediatricians have to be registered these days, there can’t be too many andyS on that list, could you have the decency to leave a gallon of petrol outside (not super unleaded its too expensive to waste on a good ole fashion lynching.)
relax – i’m really howard from the halifax
Oi shoelace,
Paul Mariner once drove into my mums car and is STILL a god amongst men.
That will be all.
@shoelace
“Get the beers in.”
I always lose. I end with my card filled with never-uttered phrases such as, “I’m quit”, “fuck you, asshole”, “I’d like her to take me from behind on this table here and now”, and, “sod this for a game of toy soldiers, anyone fancy doing some crack”.
HYS providing evidence to support creationism because its full of such idiotic twonks that evolution must be faltering.
I like it.
Sometimes, HYS completely surprises me. For instance, take the following title to a “discussion”:
I was expecting that the comments would be filled with comments along the lines of “QUESTION: I haven’t had any problems with my garden, but there are certainly other types of aliens invading the UK?
ANSWER: I fucking hate immigrants, and will wedge them into every comment on anything.
FACT?!
Des Gusted, Twatton, Cuntyshire”
But no, it actually seems fairly on-topic at the moment. Wonders never cease.
Throbbe: He might be a god amongst early eighties Ipswichers, but I still harbour an irrational dislike of him and his stupid goal-scoring mullet.
Spunk Daddy: Give it time.
Go on then, if you’re offering.
@Spunk Daddy, sadly HYScocks have not forgotten how to get from ‘An Unrelated Question’ to ‘A Rant about blacks’ in a few easy logic hops…
Today, from Should the global banking system be refomed?
*sigh*
I think I may have missed something. Is there some kind of problem with money? Glad I keep mine under – Oh! I nearly told you where then. I bet some of you are robbing forrins who would rob me – tisk.
Relax – I’ve invented a super alien weed killer (works on imigrunts too).
Ha! Some absent-minded mod has let this one through on “Blue Peter – Your Memories”.
Alex, have you broken SYB again?
How worried should I be that my mother sent me the Japanese thing in an email forward?
As a resident of Glasgow (relax, I’m not a Weegie. Proper Highlander, me) and thus a member of the Scottish Mafia, I’d like to encourage all English SYB readers to keep sending your taxes to Gordon Clown so he can send the cash north of the border for me and my Scottish brethern to spend on whisky, knives and deep-fried Mars Bars.
Hoots, jings, crivvens.
Yours faithfully,
Col John Matrix.
Actual real life lol at the memory of Joey Deacon. I am going to Hull.
Seriously, how the fuck did that production meeting go?
“Do you think that using Mr Deacon on the programme could backfire in any way”
“Nah, british schoolkids are pretty compassionate and are bound to be touched by his determination and take him to their hearts.”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right. Let’s go with it”
see also: john’s not mad
Claim to fame: I attended the same college as John in ’87-’88 (it had a ‘special needs’ department). We could hear him swearing and barking from the other side of the building. I can tell you that it wasn’t half as funny in real life as it appeared on the telly.
I’m getting quite into this frenzy of pointless rage now.
So Ivor, what you’re saying – when roughly translated into common or garden is this…
So there you have it. It’s all Ivor’s fault. At least when the lynchmobs arrive at his place petrol will have dropped in price and it wont cost us quite so much to burn his stinking hovel to the ground; with him in it.
Tosser.
@Throbbe
“Spac off, y’fuckin’ Joey! Watch! watch! This is you, this is, Joooooooooooooooowwwwwwweeeeeeeeeee.”
Kids are so sweetly innocent, aren’t they?
Continuing Emma’s vein of hilarity, I present….
The Bank of Jordan is in serious trouble, it has gone tits up..TA DAAA
Coz Jordan is also a model as well as a country(albeit one covered in brown furriners) and she has big tits, and we would all like to bank in her, and…and….oh sod it, it really isnt funny, so Im going home
Kowalski: At least you could see the error of your ways and fucked off.
Yeah, and they knifed Petra in the minge and blamed old age!
Who the fuck writes this stuff? No sane person could have written it.
Come on, it was one of you wasn’t it?
@Simon
so what is Ivor’s strange surname? Tell me!
Ooh… Have Your Say has gone all YouTubey.
Being a complete technophobe i can’t explain it better than that, but it looks like the days of frantically typing your rant are numbered…
http://politics.phreadz.com/
Here come the future and you can’t run from it… does this mean SYB’ll have to go all ‘webcam’ and ‘streaming’ too? It sounds ghastly.
At least if HYS do webcam rants we’ll be save having to look at the rantees due to the bile-laden spittle coating the camera lenses.
Plus, I’ll be posting footage of me wanking everyday in the hope that the moderators slip up and all the regular twats will be able to see is an enormous cock on their monitors.
PS. So I don’t come across all and that, I ought to point out that to achieve the ‘Enormous Cock’ look I will have to be standing very close to the webcam. Or using a stand in.
You missed the “(to paraphrase Bob Hope)” at the end. You see, what he did
Is this the Alex Gache comments being closed thing? Look, I think it’s quite clear what has happened: Nelson did it deliberately knowing that the subject matter would inspire you twats to write your own poetry and, worse still, actually post it on his lovely blog.
I bet you’re only complaining because you’ve written one yourself and can’t wait for the world to read it.
Fuck, didn’t mean to submit that.
…You see, what he did was take an old, but fairly funny joke, and add a self-satisfied anecdote complete with financial-sector reference, while removing the actual humour part.
What does the credit crunch have in common with a man whose vile sexual perversion leads him to push his cock in rabbit holes at the sides of rivers?
They both fucked lots of banks!
fuck yes
Continuing Emma Ives’s joke about Japanese banks…
The bukkake bank came in your peasant face as you struggled to pay your mortgage.
The omorashi bank pissed all your savings away.
Heard the one about Liberal PC Cunningham?
Sounds like a good replacement for Sir Ian Bleh.
I’m NOT going to use google to find out what omorashi means…I’m NOT going to use google to find out what omorashi means…I’m NOT going to….ARrrghhhGGhhhHHHHH!!!!!!
What is it John? My fingers are hovering over the keyboard to google the fucker, but I get the slightest, sneakiest feeling it won’t be safe for the rest of the office to see?
We deserve the truth.
You bastard, with your cunning reverse psychology. I wasn’t even considering it until I read your post, yet now I will have that piece of knowledge forever. AARGH!
FWIW, “Emma Ives” ripped her answer off a B3TA image challenge response.
Considering the kind of webmongs who post comments here I’m amazed that I’m the first one to know this an point it out. Though I could be wrong, I did skim-read the last few dozen replies.
I got sent that Japanese Bank joke and joined in by saying that Bukkake Bank had spunked a load. I didn’t get a reply.
Fckin HR, no sense of humour
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