spEak You're bRanes

It’s not all doom and gloom! The BBC wants to know “What makes you happy?”.

Many things make me truly happy in life. Spending time with my two dogs is both humbling and rewarding. They are fantastic listeners; they don’t judge me or frighten me. They offer me affection when I least expect it and I feel so proud (in a humbled way) when people admire them as we stroll around the city together.
I am a teacher of English to foreigners and my students also make me happy by displaying unfeigned determination and such level-headedness.
Little old ladies also make me happy.
Oliver, London

Leave the little old ladies alone.

We haven’t checked in on Topsy Turvy for a while. Let’s see if the scrofulous bellend has mellowed.

Should religious jewellery be allowed in school?

Let her wear her bangle and trinkets, then make her do PE using equipment that involves serious risk of de-gloving.

See how long she insists she “must keep it on because of her faith” then.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

Yeah! And then when she goes to lunch, grind up dogshit and mix it into her food and then wait until she takes a bite and say “hey you just ate dogshit, stupid!” See how long she insists on not eating dogshit then!

Would you take up an army bursary? Remember, Topsy claims to be gay and therefore ineligible for military service.

The army is simply interested in attracting highly skilled people to man its next generation of complex defence systems. Such bursaries are the most logical way of doing so. The Royal Navy have run similar schemes for many years, as have the RAF.

I am disgusted by all the gutless wonders on here who stupidly see this as a “bribe” and “desperation to recruit” on the army’s part.

It’s amazing how many people enjoy freedom but aren’t willing to fight for it. Cowards. All of you.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

You tell ‘em, Wing Commander Turvy, bravely piloting your armchair into the thick of the battle. Those foreign combatants won’t know what hit them. Mostly because it will be not you.

Is the US-UK relationship still relevant?

“Lets get this straight and clear – the US/uk warlords DO NOT have the support of the British people whatsoever, nor that of over half the US. Given that there is nothing we can do to stop this obscenity however all we can do is reitterate “NOT IN MY NAME”.
james Taylor”

You do not speak for me, so such a sweeping generalisation is blatantly not true.

Still, PC-lefty types always believe that their way is the only way and everyone else must be wrong.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

Let’s just sit in silence for a moment and contemplate the zen-like perfection of that statement.

Browsing through some very old posts by regular prat UglyJohn (now calling himself “Des Gusted”, a name which he presumably came up with whilst wanking to “Countdown”). I found a couple in a very old thread asking “Do young people lack positive role models?” where John laments the lack of cardigans being worn by today’s Radio 1 listeners.

So kids don’t respect parents! LL&P will probably say that has always been the case, but I have to say a lot of parents aren’t worth respecting.

Some people I know in their late 30′s and early 40′s, are stuck in some kind of post adolescent rut. They dress like people half their age, drive ridiculous cars, go to clubs, listen to Radio 1, play console games and still go to Glastonbury.

Its a joke to be honest. Its just not dignified. Act your age people.
Des Gusted, Tun Wells

In case you were wondering “LL&P” is “LiberalLeft & Proud” who is some kind of unemployed right-wing shithead who imagines himself as a socialist revolutionary and wastes 9 hours a day trying to convince the “Have Your Say” feebleminds that New Labour are both “good” and, even more bizarrely, “left wing”.

Anyway, if there was any doubt left in your mind that poor John badly wants an Xbox:

Well there’s a shock.
“1in 3young people do not think of their parents as people they respect.”

About 1/3 of the parents I know are the kind who say that their kids are their “best friends.”

There’s a pathetic symetry there, n’est, cest pas?

Parents – Don’t try to be your kids friends. They can make their own friends. Be an authority figure, it’s what they need.

Oh, and once you get past the age of thirty, don’t play console games either. Its undignified.
Des Gusted, Tun Wells

You’re a big boy now, you don’t have to wait for Christmas. Just buy yourself a console already.

Finally, before you head off and browse through the rest of John’s refreshingly mad whining, I present his answer to “What has been your costliest mistake?”:

When I was younger I had piano lessons. I could sight read simple tunes, and play reasonably well.

Sadly, being an impetuous child, I had no interest in this and gave up as soon as I could.

I absolutely wish my parents had forced me to stick to the lessons. I would love to be able to play now, but can only manage a few simple tunes, mainly in the key of C.
Des Gusted, Tun Wells

Never mind John. As a wise man once said “What’s the point of being good at anything if you’re a cunt?”.

More from the wonderful log. You know who you are. Thanks.

RADIO 4 – GARDENER’S QUESTION TIME
“During the weather report half way through the programme, the forecaster said that tomorrow was the first day of autumn. Autumn doesn’t start until 23/09/08, and I found it quite depressing to have someone tell me my summer is over.”

Worthless turdgobbler.

GENERAL TV
“I’d like the BBC to do a programme investigating neuroleptics and their effects on people. It should be called ‘Cure or Torture’.”

Yeah, alright.

LAST CHOIR STANDING
“I am unhappy that viewers were invited to cast votes during the repeat of the programme. Confusion was added by subtitles across the screen advising that the lines were closed. I found the whole thing insulting to viewers.”

Ask a nurse to explain it to you.

RADIO 2 – PAUL GAMBACCINI
“I did not like this programme.”

Consider it cancelled.

NEW TRICKS
“I find it frightening that a character was seen injecting alcohol into an orange. I feel that this could give ideas to terrorists about how to poison fruit.”

It’s fine. Whenever they show someone injecting stuff into fruit, they always do it slightly wrong to fool evildoers. Anyway, you can’t stop people figuring this stuff out. If a terrorist REALLY wants to learn how to inject stuff into fruit, they can go to a training camp in Afghanistan.

Can action by EU states ease the credit crisis?

The poor, in financial crisis is better of dead but for the rich, there’s always a bail-out.

Injustice or way of life? Who dares question?

Game of mind or game of death?

“Eyes Wide Shut”.

The zeitgeist goes on.

[Funitikus], London, United Kingdom

You’ll need some pretty impressive public liability insurance if you carry on blowing people’s minds like that.

I’m back. I’ll probably spend most of the next week doing all the work that piled up while I was on holiday so I guess it’ll still be pretty quiet. In the meantime, thanks to my mate Col, I present the funniest thing you’ve ever seen in the Daily Mail. Check out the comments too. Inadvertent comedy genius.

There ARE reasons cheerful Fifteen glorious things free