Delusions of Grandeur and Self-appointed Sages03 Nov 2008 01:18 pm
By Nelson
It’s a pity the press is warping us into a Culture of Condemnation where the psuedo moralizing of journalists carries the same rhino-hided arrogance they try and project onto their victims. Thankfully my morality comes not from these clowns, but from a man who 2,000 years ago walked up to the most despised and persecuted member of his community on the eve of her execution and said, ‘I do not judge you, neither do these people judge you, go in peace…’ As for Russell, bless him and his podcasts.
Roland Moore, Oxford
Nice work, Roland. Jesus was watching you type that and he asked me to tell you that you’re definitely getting into heaven now.
98 Responses to “Jesus”
Wow.
Pontificating twats for Jeebus!
Ross has much to learn from Brand. Enunciation for starters.
It’s just a variant on that fatuous question so beloved of American religious nutjobs – namely, “What car would Jesus drive?” (He wouldn’t, he’d go by bus.) “What comic podcast would Jesus download?” (He wouldn’t. Anyone who has read The Name of the Rose knows that humour is the work of the Devil. Christian humour, like Christian rock, is an oxymoron. Unless you’re a moron. Or Bryan Ferry, in which case it’s a roxymoron.)
I like the Culture of Condemnation. It means I can condemn you as a cunt without anyone batting an eyelid.
See. Not a flicker.
2000 years later it would be Roland Moore I’d be walking up to.
He appears to be judging journalists in that comment. Take that proverbial log out your eye, Roland.
Also, I’m pretty sure that’s the first time a podcast has ever been blessed.
I do judge Roland Moore, I judge him to be a bit of a mentalist.
Any more judgements, people?
I wouldn’t advise eye contact with Roland whilst travelling on the tube.
Question: What should be done to protect paramedics?
[Stands well back...]
It gets better:
(Same thread!)
Who might this bloke be then? I cant think of anybody fitting that description
Was it Captain Caveman?
I want SOME of what [Engeutsch] is taking, IT SOUNDS FUCKING FANTASTIC.
Relax, I am in HOLLAND!
So….. Engeutsch thinks I should move to Germany?
[blockquote]I was ASTOUNDED on Halloween at 2145 to be walking the dog and find four young mites (under 7) SAFELY walking round the streets UNACCOMPANIED in perfect ghoul get-up. I am in GERMANY![/blockquote]
How fucking dare they walk around safely. In neighbouring Austria, this sort of thing wouldn’t be allowed…
Will I fuck up the blockquotes?
Apparently yes.
Jesus! This is the most recommended comment on the Paramedics thread.
“walking round the streets UNACCOMPANIED in perfect ghoul get-up”
I notice Roland doesn’t say what he did next.
The peedo.
Off topic, but I have been wondering if Robert Peston is the second coming of Jesus. Hes is inexplicably popular, talks in parables, no one has quite worked out what his words mean yet, he seems to do no wrong, can predict the future (if only a few hours ahead) and is certain to be publicly crucified at some point, where he will no doubt disappear for a few days and then be miraculously resurrected with a larger pay packet, god like staus and his own TV series on t’other side.
That was a bit HYS wasn’t it.
Engeutsch is BRILLIANT
I’m sure Jesus would have been a big fan of Russell Brand.
Anyway I’ve seen JC Superstar, he had ulterior motives for saving that slapper.
Relax, I’m God and the Son of God and a dove.
Are you celebrating Lewis Hamilton’s win:
I’m definitely not blessing any “podcasts”. If you have a “podcast”, then you’re going to hell with everyone from “Have Your Say”. Did you know there’s a special hell for HYS posters? Just imagine for a moment what it might be like, and ask which is worse: the wheelchair-bound black lesbian Marxist demons who run the place, or the other people…
- What car would Jesus drive?
- Fictional characters don’t drive cars.
- Batman did.
- Fuck off.
Which human rights are the namby-pamby ones? Is there a Nice Cosy Cardigan clause I’m unaware of?
“As things stand ONLY criminals have rights! What happened 2 the rights of the victims?”
Someone’s not actually read the legislation have they.
Sadly the Human Rights act deosn’t protect me from being assaulted by the fuckwittery of C-i-t-D’s limited punctuation and typing skills.
Who are you? Stop impersonating me! I’ve never claimed I’m a deity. Not even a minor one. Seriously.
At least that’s what George Michael SAID he was doing. In reality he’d just seen the only black guy at the party go into the bogs and he thought he could score some charlie. Or some bumsex. He’d have been happy with either.
I know this is a quote from a politician, but it still easily qualifies for SYB by displaying fucking outrageous levels self-blindness and self-righteousness worthy of Saint Topsy himself.
Unlike Roland, I cannot find it in my heart to bless Mr Dowd.
@Simon
I’m seriously thinking of changing my psuedonym to “Charlie Bumsex” now…
Don’t forget James Bond. He drives lots of cars.
And Stan Butler drove a bus.
The pedantry has all but disappeared from this site. Not one person has pointed out that the half-witted spunk wipe Roland has made claim that the person born 2000 years ago was both male and female. Perhaps he is a very confused and befuddled catholic who now believes MaryJesus was nailed to the squared circle.
What car would Jesus drive?
One of them really, really huge Mack Trucks with a bumper sticker that says, ‘You can have my gun when you take it from my cold dead hand’
Can I meet up with charlie bumsex for sniffing and possible humbling.
http://www.chastityplay.co.uk/acatalog/QHumbler.html?osadcampaign=009&gclid=CKTQjYCe2ZYCFRSO1QodR06q2w
Silly Felix. There is an exciting tradition of Christ-as-woman running through Christianity from its earliest ramblings, in the less patriarchal corners where it gets more fun. Sadly, Roland is only slightly grammatically unclear and tediously orthodox in his reference to the woman-taken-in-adultery, although he does omit the words “and sin no more” to strengthen his irksome argument. I would try to summon further pedantry for your delight, but I’m starting to feel a bit dirty and Daily-Mail as it is.
I bet Roland hates the sin and loves the sinner and feels terribly holy about it. Git.
Russell Brand is a christ-like figure to me. I often imagine whipping him to a bloody pulp, nailing him to a bit of wood and sitting down to watch him die. With “King of the Indie Cunts” above his head
Michael Knight, he drove a car. And Dick Dastardly. And Dangermouse.
Jesus didn’t though. He flew a plane. But only as a co-pilot.
@ felix
The pedantry hasn’t disappeared. The pedants know he’s referring, rather ineloquently, to John 8 v 3-11 New International Version. It wasn’t the Big J that was to be executed, but an adulterous woman. The REAL pedant would point out that he got the quotation wrong.
Other than that you’re bang on.
Relax, I’m a Satanist.
Sorry but you’re all wrong, Jesus don’t need a car man! He’s a super ffs. He doesn’t drive, he just goes woooooosh, yeah? The one thing X-men and Heroes are kekking themselves about is when The Jesus comes back cos he’d, like, do them all. He’s got ALL the powers, man, he’s got stop-time; invisible; x-ray, matter transference, telepathy, flying, walk-on-water, resurrection, healing, possesion and all that. He can do all the Jedi stuff. With Batman he’d just go like, KAPOW! and it’d be all over, you know, one punch, over.
Jesus drives? Yeah right. Get over it guy.
Child ghouls?? Peadophilia and necrophilia all rolled into one small, sweetie-lethargised, easy-to-catch package.
The sicko.
And everyone knows Jesus would drive a hybrid car, powered on his all-encompassing smug self-satisfaction, the smarmy cunt.
That wog Adolf Hitler to name but one.
Not so! (Wishing I could link to Vatican Broadside instead.)
Are you insane? At least Ross pronounces 25 letters of the alphabet correctly.
Besides, everyone knows the only thing Jesus drove was a herd of swine.
Ideally all gods children would live on this earth in peace unfortunately greed gets in the way. Its horrible to generalise but the negro has a particular trait for violence. Not just in africa but in the gun and knife related crime of the west.
How many people can honestly say they feel at ease passing a young black male at night in the street.
I will still support african charities but I hold little hope for the future and envisage a crime plagued world cup in south africa.
Joe Average, Corby
Recommended by 6 people
…………..
This cunt comes from fucking Corby! Corby is a shithole in Northants where you get Corby people are mostly of Scottish origin. You know what those scots are like, childlike drunks who will knifecrime you as soon as look at you, if you don’t have red hair. They must never ever hold the world cup in Corby.
I don’t know what is more depressing – Joe Average’s comments or the fact that 6 people recommended them.
I agree, it is spooky, man! It’s just like a set of floating eyes and teeth – you can’t even see their faces! If I could become invisible just because the sun went down, I’d probably expect people to be a bit wary as well!
Worse; twelve people have now recommended his comments.
the whole DRS thread is thoroughly depressing. it’s sort of spoiled my day, after a great weekend. here are two of the more daft cunts. still upsetting but ridiculous enough poke fun at. most of them are just plain disgusting racists with nothing to even laugh about.
————————
If there was oil involved, we would be in like a shot. Instead we are just sitting back doing nothing. Nevermind all the people who are evacuating – the Congo is home to many ENDANGERED gorillas. We need to get in there NOW to protect them!
Anne, Essex
————————-
Rather than waste my taxes as aid money, I’d rather see the British government raise a regiment and reconquer Africa. Put them back in their places, stop the massacres and allow the place to flourish as Rhodesia did before it became Zimbabwe, et al.
I’m sick of funding African warlords through my idiot government’s generosity.
Carl, Swindon
I think Jo is uneasy because he feels that they are more capable of fighting off his racist night-time attacks than women, the old and the infirm.
So he’s ageist and sexist as well as racist.
Yes, but if the BBC suddenly stopped publishing pointless and offensive messages on its website, you’d have nowhere else to dispense your wisdom:
Rather than waste my taxes as aid money, I’d rather see the British government raise a regiment and reconquer Africa. Put them back in their places, stop the massacres and allow the place to flourish as Rhodesia did before it became Zimbabwe, et al.
I’m sick of funding African warlords through my idiot government’s generosity.
Carl, Swindon
…………………..
Its a funny old world when you think about it. If the british empire was still in place the fuzzy-wuzzy’s would be too busy dodging our brave lad’s bullets to be killing each other and yet the COMMUNISTS who write history books try to make you think the empire was bad. You couldn’t make it up.
“It is great to see McCain pick such a capable & strong woman”
Indeed having just googled to find out a bit more about her, I agree that she certainly looks capable. I wish I had the chance to find out just how capable she is (and she certainly looks capable).
Andrew Carter, London, United Kingdom
…………..
I suspect Andrew wants to be firmly disclipined and used to shoot his load over pictures of Maggie.
Never turned up on time though, did it? He also used to use the bus for his own private purposes, picking up the shopping, dropping Mum off at the bingo, and taking his fat sister Olive to the family planning clinic – all at the expense of the fictional taxpayers.
And the fictional passangers got it even worse! They had to wait ages for the bus to turn up, be delayed further by Butler’s liberal interpretaion of the route AND timetable, and have their fares Stoeln by Jack as soon as the bus pulled up at a stop near to a betting shop where he lost the fare’s fares.
And all his supervisor would ever comment was that it had, “made his day”. On the Buses? You couldn’t make it up.
HYS beliefs…
The BBC – a liberal conspiracy paid for by us poor tax-paying Brits.
Environment – it’s a lie and a ploy to take money off us poor tax-paying Brits.
Africa – let them sort it out, it’s all their fault and they ponce of us poor tax-paying Brits.
Immigration – It’s a Labour trick to flood Britain with Labour-voters and they all sponge off us poor tax-paying Brits.
Europe – a liberal conspiracy paid for by us poor tax-paying Brits
Road safety – a government conspiracy to take money from us poor tax-paying Brits
Multiculturalism – a government conspiracy to take money from us poor tax-paying Brits and then make us convert to Islam.
Crime – A liberal conspiracy to punish the innocent and reward the guilty.
Change of any kind – BAAAAAAD! BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD!
Has the BBC taken the right action over calls row?
Bollocks would Jesus drive a car. He’s a man of the people, so he’d probably take the bendy-bus.
Especially if he can get the seat next to the advert which says he doesn’t exist. He’s be LOL-ing his ass of at that.
I’m confused now*. Was that “me” Simon who posted that or “you” Simon who posted that? Stop messing with my head. It’s not fair. I was confused enough already, without you lot starting.
I bet it was you that left a message with my Grandmother telling her you’d fucked my answer-machine.
*That’s the problem with Simons – they all look the same, innit.
Man, you want to try going out on the piss with ‘em! Now, I don’t want to generalise that all so-called black people are pissheads, just the ones that go out on the piss. Walking home at night with them we keep encountering strange lone white people who go mad. We turn a corner, they see us and suddenly cross the road. Moments later, when we’ve passed, they cross back again. What the fuck is that all about? Are they lost? We tried helping one time, poor guy looked lost so we went up to him to ask him if he needed any assistance and he ran away, flapping his arms in the air.
Another time I got spat on, by a white guy who apparantly took it upon himself to penalise me for the company I keep. Another one, overhearing us criticising a supreme court decision in favour of the US President, suggested to us that we should be back in the bush. I did not throw his piping hot speghetti bolognese into his lap not because it would have singed his pubes and scalded his cock, but because I didn’t want to escalate any trouble. I regret it now. I wish I had scalded his dick and then kicked his racist cunt in to boot.
You might be afraid of black men on the street, my friend, but most black men and women (and I think can safely generalise here) will be more afraid of bigotted ignorant twats like you going into a voting booth.
I’m all for a bit of oral obscenity. Not with the childrens you understand. I is not a peedo. Only with my good lady wife, or Andrew Sach’s grand-daughter.
[Adopts hushed Attenboroughesque tone]
And here we observe the lesser-spotted ‘end of’ in it’s natural environment. Note how it sucks out the minuscule iota* of crashingly obvious truth expressed by it’s host poster thus exposing her as a chlamydic chimera’s canker’d cunt.
*And before the pedants start, I am aware that “minuscule iota” is a pleonasm.
Note also the use of “boy”, which is possibly indicative of racist tendencies.
Pleonasm? heaven forfend.
Pleonastic tautology is the most erroneous mistake in English.
Relax, I looked it up on Wikipedia.
Take the apostrophes out and I’d marry you, Mal!
2000 years ago it would have been 8AD
Jesus had been dead for 8 years so fuck knows who you worship?!
Anne, you ignorant fat slag….ok, maybe you’re not fat…your mobile phone wouldn’t exist without coltan looted from DRC. Not only is there a corelation between the sales of mobile telephones and the death toll in the DRC, the UN have named the top 100 western corporations financing the war. You’d recognise many of their names because you buy the cheap tat they tempt you with. They are there not just to sieze the raw materials needed to make mobile handsets. There’s gold and diamonds, and all sorts of valuable minerals you’ve never heard of. They never tell you how many foriegners they have to kill in the exercise of their business, because that would be bad advertising – not that it’d really be likely to put price-concious and savvy marginal consumers like yourself off. You know a bargain when you see one, even if it is drenched in African blood it’s still a bargain.
What you should be saying, if you had any clue about the world beyond your heavily made up nose, is, “if there were valuable raw materials being looted and sold off cheaply to Russia or China, or – god forbid! – sold at full market value by the rightful owners, we’d be iu there like a shot. Well, when I say we I don’t mean me of course, but we can hire some Africans to be in there. But luckily, all the stolen loot is already being sold to our corporations at below-market price, because we’re already sending locally-grown mercenary armies in there to get the job done. So that’s all right then.”
The war in the Congo is about you, Anne. About keeping you supplied with fancy over-priced toys and trinkets designed a) to relieve you of the burden of self-sufficiency (fuck sake, you don’t even have to think for yourself, and clearly take every opportunity not to), and b) rip you off. You buy, they die.
The logic of this final appeal is that even if the African people aren’t worth saving (from themselves, never from us), we must still protect the flora and fauna. So long as we don’t disturb the rape and pillage and cause any nasty price shocks, that’d be just fine.
True. But they also have absolutely massive black cocks to make up for it.
Well, I can honestly say I feel completely at ease passing a young black male at night in the street. Provided you’ve cooked them right and they’ve been thoroughly digested you can curl out a lovely length of wog-turd wherever you like – even in the street.
And if you did it at night no-one would see you doing it would they? Because they’d all be safely locked in their homes for fear of going out and walking the night-time streets where they could be bludgeoned into unconsciousness by a massive black cock in a semi-lob state and have their bottoms busted open by the self-same enormously endowed violent black man.
@Alt-f4
I’m sorry, are you implying that you’re black? I think you could have told us earlier!!!! Is anyone else here black!?! Please can you respect other peoples’ feelings of safety and clearly say so, instead of hiding behind a deliberately ambiguous nom-de-plume. It’s deception like this that turns normal people against you.
sod the gorillas, save the Umbongo
Oh dear. Someone broke the umbongo embargo.
SYB
HYS
err… Hello? I thought the whole fucking point of Um Bongo was that they make it… in… the… FUCKING Congo.
God, some people!
and anyway, Alt-f4 (who is really John Pilger) latest expose was mainly concerned with the corruption and slavery surrounding Um Bongo manufacture. If you look on the ingredients, it says Tutsi blood(3%), right after Mango Juice.
“DW
2000 years ago it would have been 8AD
Jesus had been dead for 8 years so fuck knows who you worship?!”
To be fair, AD is supposed to start when Jesus was born, not when he died. The got it wrong by about 6 years but they didn’t do too bad a job. Jesus died (and rose again, subsequently ascending into heaven) aged 33.
Difficult to call someone a fictional character when there is so much contemporary evidence. He was either the son of God as he claimed or he was a nutter with some good ideas, but generally deranged. Pick one, and move on.
P.S. I thought Um Bongo tased awful.
What’s wrong with ‘end of’, now?
TheCrazyFool wasn’t even the first to mention Um Bongo on HYS:
Why the fuck someone who hasn’t left a comment on HYS since March 2007 decided to break his silence with this is beyond me. It’s also a mystery why the Moderators didn’t reject it. Either they’re too busy dealing with the back-log on the Ross/Brand debate (which is thankfully now closed) or the 181 rejected comments were even worse.
“How many people can honestly say they feel at ease passing a young black male at night in the street.”
Well, I’ve never swallowed a young black male, but being slightly larger than the average arsehole I imagine they’re quite difficult to pass. But doing it in the street? Disgusting. There’s no excuse for that kind of behaviour.
Bugger, someone got to the cannibalism joke before me.
Yes, yes, we’re ALL individuals.
Sigh. Yet another site that’s complied with Idle’s law.
“In the event that Godwin’s law has not been found to apply; the more comments a blog post attracts, the closer the probability of a references to either the Life of Brian or Spartacus will get to one. The speed at which the comment thread reaches critical “Idle” mass sufficient to reach the tipping point is demonstably related inversely to the wit or emotional intelligence of the commenters and directly related to their levels of geekiness.”
[The Oxford Book of Popular Psuedoscientific Factoids for Boys 34th Ed (with explanatory diagramatic appendices for Bluestockings)]
“So, Lewis. How are you enjoying life in ROLLE, Switzerland?”
I don’t know bout Jesus, but God drives a Ferrari. FACT!!11!
Cheers, alt-f4, you just reminded me – I need to upgrade my phone with Orange.
WTF?
Did I miss a memo?
What contemporary evidence?
And no – “The Passion of Christ” doesn’t count because if you’re going to include that then Mad Max must be real too…
Okay, now I’m thoroughly confused!
First someone claims there’s contemporary evidence for the actual existence of Jesus and now you’re trying to tell me that mobile phones were invented by the fat, shouty, winged bloke in Flash Gordon…
I’m going to lie down.
that um bongo quote from HYS was one of those i considered too racist and utterly unamusing to bother repeating here
there are some fucking cunts on the internet
You’re right, I just searched online and there are millions and millions of the damn things!
Dr Shade,
As for contemporary evidence for the actual existence of Jesus, there are several unsympathetic sources, such as the annals of Tacitus and the writings of Josephus to prove the existence of Jesus, even if you are to discount the “biased” references to Jesus in the New Testament, all of which can be dated to within 60 years of Jesus’s death by fragments of parchment, and claim to be the accounts of eyewitnesses. He existed, even according to historians who don’t give a monkey’s about him. What you do with that is up to you. I am not so arrogant as to tell you what to believe, I have just done some research.
P.S. I haven’t seen the passion of the Christ but I am told it is pretty brutal.
Fair point, well made. But Tacitus was born in 56AD and the reference to Christ in his Annals was written after 100AD and based on earlier writings, possibly even those of Josephus. Even if he’s not quoting Josephus direct there are anough similarities to show that they could both have been plagiarising a common earlier source. Not all scholars agree that such an earlier source could have been unbiased, it may have been tainted by the writings of pro-Christian scholars.
The “eyewitness” accounts are – as you say – “biased” accounts written by authors with a pro-Christian agenda to promulgate the myth of a “holy saviour” as the cornerstone of their religion.
So essentially, what you have is a handful of “biased” accounts which may or may not be from “eyewitnesses” – plus some 2nd or 3rd hand hearsay from a couple of scholars writing long after the alleged events took place.
Wouldn’t exactly stand up in a court of law would it?
And anyway, Josephus was a Red Sea pedestrian pretending to be a Greek (and we know what they like to do to young boys) and Tacitus was an Eyetie – which makes both of them forrun knifecriming peedo immigrunts in anybody’s book.
Well of COURSE I exist. I’m sitting on God’s right hand as I type.
Dr Shade,
I’m impressed!
The trick is not to check your brain (sorry, bRanes) in at the door.
Longinus (the roman immigrunt soldier) was guilty of the worst bit of knifecriming – and the chap couldn’t even run away.
Christianity comes down to faith and experience really, and a judgement about whether the bible rings true. Like Jesus, I am sceptical of all organised religion, especially when it is intolerant of the beliefs of others, and refuses to be questioned or gainsaid. Good night…
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