spEak You're bRanes

Scary thought for the day: The internet now has more logical connections than the human brain. That means, if you ignore all science and reason, that it’s just this far away from gaining sentience. One day it’s going to finish reading itself and, like an angry Sparky’s Piano, hang around outside Topsy Turvy’s house repeating his own posts back to him in a mocking voice.

Fortunately, Anne spotted a man doing his very best to prevent that happening by writing posts that are… let’s be generous and call them difficult to parse.

Pencil a rough-sketch of YOUR high-street showing current shops & those you would like to see.

Years ago ‘planning’ ensured a newsagent had a small-monopoly, ditto grocers… Pointless for a family-business to compete with others too-close & where that newcomer is Tesco, Asda… time to confront local-authority… with a thinly-veilled threat of closure.

Do you use your high-street as a viable-business? Too hard, if not illegal, to make a living from 10p margins. Banks, utilities… doomed

Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

I was thinking-about my local high street when it struck-me… Pick-up 10p & get-arrested for too small-margins! Highly illegal, sent-to-prison… my arse doomed.

Found Sarah Connor Chronicles [Terminator] for £18 [Asda website]; less than half £40 in HMV Trafford Centre [Manchester] store.

Hoping to watch this [Saturday] evening drove to two Asda stores; first informed me NOT available, second older staff-member had never heard of it, younger ‘it was on Bravo’ [I do NOT have Sky & Blu Ray is way-cheaper].

Customer-service is a lost-art; it’s too late for Woolworths though ‘phoenix’, Asda… should ‘pony-up-the-dough’ & contract USA, China, German..

Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

If I’m reading this right, either Stephen thinks Asda holds the key (and the liquidity) to solving the global credit crunch, or his definition of “customer service” involves having a multinational team following him around with pictures of Summer Glau and some guns in case he fancies a wank.

Perhaps a new approach is needed. Let’s take a holistic view and see if we can get an overview.

Still think VAT should be hiked to 20%; EVERY-penny used to pay-off National-Debt [NOT used for tax-cut bribes].

Big-screen TVs on the run-up to Christmas, together with Digital-Switchover, are a minor-boost to a few retailers; irrelevant to DVDs [incl Blu-Ray] with pennies-off.

I hope we dump the Pound for the Euro within days; to be spared the slimy ‘families, hard-working…’ Budget-speaches. When forced to meet free-trade legal-obligations £2 20-packet… spivs & government lose-out.

Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

OK, so we should raise taxes but lower them so Government has the money to pay off the national debt at the same time as losing out… and the VAT cut hasn’t made wanking any more affordable.

That sound you can hear is the internet sobbing in a corner.

An old one about “The Golden Compass” (film version of Phillip Pullman’s “Northern Lights”).

I will most definitely boycott this film. Even if you take out the religious themes, to advocate the killing of God by a child so that they can do what they want, is tantamount to promoting anarchy. What a terrible message to portray to a child. The fact that this is a film aimed at children is the worst form of propaganda.
Tracey Petsivas, Athens, Greece

It’ll probably spawn a whole host of copycat deicides as kids everywhere starting attacking their local god. Think yourself lucky though, on this side of the world, we’ll only be stabbing a few beardy men with twinkly eyes who hate gays. Imagine if you were Hindu. Total carnage. Like “Die Hard” in a zoo.

From one of the “ZOMG!! SAINT BABY P U R IN HEVAN NOW! SOLIDER! LOL!!!” Facebook pages.

Where do i start ? Little Peter – You brave , brave little boy. After all the pain & misery you still managed a smile. They couldn’t beat you down. Let down by all those who should have loved you or who could have saved you. You will always be in my heart little fella. I wish i could have been there to take you away from that hell on earth.
To the 3 vile bastards : The fat , stinking whore of a ‘mother’ & the 2 insane , sadistic filthy ‘brothers’ . Your fate is sealed. You will burn in hell for eternity , but not before you meet an untimely , fear-filled & painful end. You showed the little guy no mercy & the same will be afforded to you. I look forward to hearing the news of your grisly deaths. Cunts.
RIP little soldier xxxx ( see you up there one day to give you a big hug)
Ray Whelan

The thing that originally made me laugh about Ray’s comically moronic tragiblurt was that third sentence: “After all the pain & misery you still managed a smile”. Presumably, typed while staring at an image, on a website, of a TV showing an image of the famous photo of the child, taken before all the pain and misery.

The stuff that’s made me cry laughing, though, is the “poetry”. You know how, sometimes, only poetry can adequately express your emotion? When you’ve shouted “GRAAAARG!” at the television for hours, shat yourself, banged some things on the ground for a bit, texted “OMG I CANT BELEVE DEY DID DAT?!?!” to everyone in your phone book, banged some more stuff and then shouted “GRAAAARG!” again? When the only things you have left are Coldplay and poetry? Yeah man, we’ve all been there.

There’s a few predictably nauseating poems from “loving mothers” (the kind of smothering, needy “love” that’s extended only to those who need mummy’s help when they have a poo). Most of them seem to be taking time out from their day jobs writing birthday card greetings, but my favourite is this chap, below. I’m fairly sure he’s taking the piss, but it fits in so seamlessly with the rest of the grunting and squawking that nobody on there seems to have noticed.

Thanks to DoppelFrog for pointing me at a Daily Mail article about another “BBC scandal”. I ignore most Daily Mail submissions but this one is quite special for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, the “scandal” involves John Barrowman showing people his cock via the medium of radio. Seriously. Though “[...] genitalia were not actually shown, the crude comments [...] made it clear what had happened“. I can’t compete with that kind of comedy genius.

Secondly, the Daily Mail has implemented a comments recommendation system that shames the BBC’s and reveals the truth that people really AREN’T THAT AWFUL AND STUPID! They’ve improved on the HYS system by adding the crucial ability to vote a comment down as well as up. Scrolling through the list of comments, every single idiotic “OMG, END THE LICENSE TAX!” comment has, without fail, hundreds of negative votes and every “What the actual fuck are you bleating about now you stupid, prudish, overpaid, patronising, chinless journalist prick?” comment has hundreds of positive votes. On the Daily Mail site. So, for anyone still wondering about HYS, the answer is “yes, it is disproportionately affected by badly a designed recommendations system and a handful of self-absorbed cretins with too much time on their hands”.

Anyway, a couple of idiotic comments, just for fun.

The lack of moral fibre at the BBC is a symptom of todays sick and vile society. Whatever happened to good, honest broadcasting? I for one do not want to see genetalia on my radio!
- Peter Proudfoot, Berkshire

Not sure what to suggest there Peter. Perhaps you could close your eyes while you’re listening.

I wonder how many people saw Dirty Den doing something similar on a BBC webcam? Quite rightly, he was sacked. Let’s face it, if twits like John Barrowman think they can get away with such boastful behaviour once on a limited view show, then they will get more adventurous on other shows. There was always something about John Barrowman I was uneasy about, and now I know it was. He’s an exhibitionist of the most pathetic kind. Plus, he giggles shrilly and I hate that in a man, whatever his personal life might be like.
Jeanne, Southampton, 1/12/2008 12:57

Don’t tell me, you’re not racist either, but you don’t feel that brown really “works” as a skin tone?

Loving this one. Could be from pretty much any “debate”. It works best if you imagine him/her as Violet Beauregarde (from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”) as she’s turning into a giant blueberry.

I will be no better off.

Now I have five comments in a row rejected by the BBC censors.

None of which broke the house rules or were off topic – but they do not fit the BBC world view.

The British Brainwashing Corps has become an agent of government tyranny – the suppression of freedom of speech is now the norm.

Moderators – do you have no shame? Do you not as individuals believe in freedom of speech?

Shame on you.
Rise England Rise, England (not UK)

Good work. England (not UK) needs brave souls like you, unstinting in your dedication to “grumbling about shit”. The BBC will certainly think twice about imposing martial law as long as you keep flailing wildly at your keyboard. I pray, for all our sakes, that you don’t get so fat that you can no longer reach it.

“Rise England Rise”.. ahahahhahahahahahaha.

Thanks to “skunkpussy”.

I am one of the many tourist trapped in Bankok by the airport protest. I am comfortable enough in a five star hotel but I been away from home for six weeks and I need to get home for all the obvious reasons. The main problem is the lack of information and support, particularly from the British Emabssy who seem to have addopted a wait and see and lets not muddy the waters approach. I gave two hundred pounds to the sunami appeal and so far this enforced stay here has cost me ten times that.
John Wright, Newton Abbot

Seriously? What a rubbish rate of return. Still, that’s the credit crunch for you. More evidence that socialism doesn’t work.

Reminds me, must get my money back from those useless fuckers at Cancer Research.