Plain Weird14 Jan 2009 09:39 am

So Much News

By Nelson

Thanks to Tom for finding this stream of semi-consciousness in the “What are your Motown memories?” thread.

I have just found a Motown Album which I’m putting on tape for a party, well SOME of it….I also love r’n'r but talking about Motown now – I love the Same Old Song….that’s just one and I can’t help myself, that’s two, but there are loads and loads and loads and as long as we have it on record or cd, it will never go away, – amazing stuff. If you have it in your home you can play it and play it as many times………………
IllustriousFrisby
Catherine Cave, Milton Keynes, United Kingdom

I wonder if Catherine has mistaken HYS for “Twitter”? She seems, like everyone on Twitter, to have grossly overestimated the intersection between these two sets:

  • The set of people you imagine to be interested in how many boring shits you had today
  • The set of people who are not shit, boring or imaginary

Tom also found this one…

Sales! I have £10 left from last week and that is going towards a bill tomorrow; minced beef and mash today, have to conserve the money; it will all be needed, all £15 of it! Don’t need anything from Sales anyway, will make do with the clothes I have had all year and the year before that….by the way I am retired and have about £12 left from last week so no, definitely will not be visiting the Sales.
IllustriousFrisby
Catherine Cave, Milton Keynes, United Kingdom

… and now I’m starting to wonder if someone gave her the address of HYS and a letter that read:

Dear Catherine,

I’m changing to a new-fangled communication device that you wouldn’t understand. If you want to communicate with me, instead of popping in 15 times a day to tell me how much your fingernails have grown since we last spoke, you can simply type all your messages into the box on this website! Then I can read them and keep up to date with all your news! Brilliant!

Yours Sincerely,

Mum

29 Responses to “So Much News”

  1. on 14 Jan 2009 at 9:52 am   dirigible

    I will bet a pound that she’s actually a Markov chain.

    Just not with you.

  2. on 14 Jan 2009 at 10:06 am   Gorgon

    A nudge: In Newport Pagnell, we have plenty of bins, very handy and anyone who throws rubbish on the ground should have a nudge, and it should be picked up, in front of them, point to the bin and perhaps they’d throw it in. And NO punch in the face.

    We need a nudge from someone (not me, I don’t drink) but some people need a nudge from perhaps fellow “revellers” when they are out and have drunk as much as they can cope with.

    And speaking the Queen’s English would be another good idea.

    Lastly – a smile for someone, once a day.

    IllustriousFrisby

    More nudges, less punches – that’s what’s needed.

    However, with all this nudging, pointing and smiling, it seems like there’s no need for speaking at all, whether it’s the Queen’s English or Sootyistani or whatever they speak over there.

  3. on 14 Jan 2009 at 10:14 am   Pedant

    I think my brain melted

  4. on 14 Jan 2009 at 10:21 am   werka

    Oh dear, I feel a bit sad reading this one. I think she might be mentally ill…I don’t know what it was that gave me that idea. She also doesn’t appear to know whether her name is Catherine Cave or Illustrious Frisby.

  5. on 14 Jan 2009 at 10:24 am   skunkpussy

    Oh dear, I feel a bit sad reading this one. I think she might be mentally ill…I don’t know what it was that gave me that idea. She also doesn’t appear to know whether her name is Catherine Cave or Illustrious Frisby.

    Catherine Cave is her pornstar name.

  6. on 14 Jan 2009 at 10:28 am   Felna

    I have this image of her sat in her house with a record or CD player and listening to a song, then pressing play again and being absolutely amazed that it sounds exactly like it did the last time, and thinking what a talented bunch the little midget musicians that reside inside the speakers are, and whether they’d like a cup of tea after all that playing…

    Actually I think that when compared to the usual hate-filled bile that gets spouted, she’s quite refreshing.

  7. on 14 Jan 2009 at 10:32 am   millie

    A rock&rollin, Motown-lovin’, frizbee-throwing pensioner with a pornstar name who sounds like she may be on drugs. I might venture onto HYS just to click ‘recommend’ on some of her posts.

  8. on 14 Jan 2009 at 10:32 am   Kieran

    Sales! I have £10 left from last week and that is going towards a bill tomorrow; minced beef and mash today, have to conserve the money; it will all be needed, all £15 of it! Don’t need anything from Sales anyway, will make do with the clothes I have had all year and the year before that….by the way I am retired and have about £12 left from last week so no, definitely will not be visiting the Sales.
    IllustriousFrisby

    Ah – the early onset of dementia. Losing track of numbers is the first thing to go. Is it £12? Is it £15? Is it £10? Who gives a flying fuck, she doesn’t even know her name.

  9. on 14 Jan 2009 at 10:44 am   Mr Cat

    I’m liking Catherine Cave – I think she trumps Joy for incoherent ramblings – After all – at least Joy always has direction, just not the right one.

    The question here was “should the downturn be downplayed”

    Looking at the piled chariots coming out of supermarkets, the food industry is thriving. But people must eat. I detest they now offer two articles with the second one at half price! Retailers are taking the public for a ride by getting more money out of them. It should be banned. If retailers can make such offers, they didn’t pay much in the first place and such huge gains should be shared with the shoppers. If they can offer two for the price of one, they can halve the price of one! Joy
    Joy Pattinson, Switzerland

  10. on 14 Jan 2009 at 11:08 am   Jer

    I agree with Joy. They should half the price of one, thereby enabling me to buy an extra one and spend the same amount for two as I was originally going to spend on one.

  11. on 14 Jan 2009 at 11:10 am   millie

    Perhaps Catherine Cave just drinks loads of coffee?

  12. on 14 Jan 2009 at 12:33 pm   wobbegong

    I’m sure Catherine will have a fun time at the party, listening to her tape, all on her own talking to the bowls of jelly she made especially for it.

  13. on 14 Jan 2009 at 12:36 pm   wobbegong

    wonder if she invited brother Nick along to the party? He’d appreciate the Motown tracks.

  14. on 14 Jan 2009 at 1:31 pm   popiellajones

    Ha ha, yes, there is a Singer called Nick Cave. Jolly good!

  15. on 14 Jan 2009 at 1:38 pm   Funny Peculiar

    I was born & raised in a council house. Dad was a milkman, mother a cleaner. Currently I am a Accounting Team Leader, studying to be an accountant at 42. I could have done this much earlier but chose not to.
    Whatever, I have done better than all my family through hard work, apllication, having 9 good O levels & 2 A levels. If you go for a job & talk like Vicki Pollard & don’t make the effort on appearance you are not going to get a decent job & no amount of Govt interference will change that
    Neil, Guildford

    I have done much better than all my family… my Dad was a milkman, (fresh-air, pootling about in his milk-wagon, Benny Hill style shagging with housewives, whistlin’ etc) but I am part of lower-middle management, in charge of a small team of junior accountants and I wear a TIE *beams with pride*

    F-CK YOU DAD, YOU LOSER! HAHAHAHA!

  16. on 14 Jan 2009 at 2:29 pm   Expert Scientist

    Catherine is the reason for the economic crash. She claimed to have £10 left, which became £15 because she needed it to, only she was lying all along and had £12 left. Exactly like wot banks did.

  17. on 14 Jan 2009 at 2:50 pm   Scaryduck

    Glad to see Care in the Community’s actually working now.

  18. on 14 Jan 2009 at 3:48 pm   Neon

    Oh Dear,

    Catherine lives in my town. Thats just too close to the knuckle. I think I need to consider moving to another continent just in case her infectious mind drizzle begins to seep through the cracks in the brickwork of my house.

  19. on 14 Jan 2009 at 4:47 pm   Kelvin

    if you go for a job & talk like Vicki Pollard & don’t make the effort on appearance you are not going to get a decent job & no amount of Govt interference will change that

    & anyway the DWPs a lesbian everyone knows its true & it got caught eating Harriet Harman’s muff in the fourth form common room.

  20. on 14 Jan 2009 at 6:10 pm   Kowalski

    I REALLY wished the DWP WAS a lezza! Then I can stand around here at work all day & watch

  21. on 14 Jan 2009 at 8:02 pm   Freddy Two Trousers

    I’m going to record all of my money on to tape now so that if I forget how much I’ve got, I can rewind, play it back and remind myself.

  22. on 14 Jan 2009 at 8:04 pm   Freddy Two Trousers

    Does anyone know where I can buy a secondhand money recorder?
    I have about £12 to spend. £10 I think. Anyway £15 should cover it.

  23. on 14 Jan 2009 at 9:15 pm   Daley Mayle

    Would Betamax do?

  24. on 15 Jan 2009 at 10:27 am   Monkeyhands

    How did he get promoted to Accounting Team Leader if he hasn’t qualified as an accountant yet? Is it because he’s a black lesbian whose wheelchair was lifted over the heads of more talented colleagues?

  25. on 15 Jan 2009 at 1:26 pm   Funny Peculiar.

    @Monkeyhands.

    If he has already passed his Part One ACCA Accountancy Exams, he is qualified to practice certain aspects of accountancy but, as I’m sure you’re aware, without the successful acquisition of Part Two and Part Three he will still be considered in training and recognised as such by the Association of Chartered Certified Accountants, stipulated in the Royal Charter granted by Her Majesty in 1963, (ammended 1996) and therefore unable to perform all aspects and responsibilities of a Chartered Accountant whence he will be awarded with the ancient nose-plug which provides the droning monotone befitting members of our ancient guild.

  26. on 15 Jan 2009 at 3:41 pm   myfellowprisoners

    Fucking incredible, the amount of really financially successful people posting on the social mobility thread on HYS yesterday. And I thought they were all impoverished owing to Clown and Zanuliarbore etc…
    All boasting about how they came from nowt, so poor they could only afford to eat dogshit and broken glass, but it didn’t stop them, oh no. And now they own their own company/mansion/undersea secret lair and they’re worth several billion pounds. And they never asked for a thing off the state. Apart from the odd ransom demand of 200 squillion-dillion pounds or they unleash their death-ray.
    Some brave soul posted a comment aimed at all these ‘company directors’, pointing out that you can be a director if your company employs three people. In most cases, probably their wife and a fucking garden gnome.

  27. on 15 Jan 2009 at 3:58 pm   Marcus

    I also love r’n'r

    She appears to like rest and recuperation. Important at her age, no doubt.

    Quick, to the catherinecave!

  28. on 15 Jan 2009 at 4:15 pm   Dr Shade

    you can be a director if your company employs three people. In most cases, probably their wife and a fucking garden gnome

    By a spooky coincidence my wife used to like me to dress up as a garden gnome while I fucked her.

    I’m not a director though.

    Funny old world innit?

  29. on 15 Jan 2009 at 5:43 pm   Funny Peculiar

    It is amazing how many ‘successful self-made entrepreneurs’ spend their days repeatedly spurting their brain fluid into the cyber-tissue of HYS.

    It’s a good job that it is completely impossible to make stuff up on Internets cos otherwise I’d have to start to wonder whether they are stringing me along. But Topsy Turvy really is a crack SBS platoon leader AND a prominent member of the CBI. It says so on HYS.