Good afternoon, Mr. Thompson, Ms. Tranter. Thanks for agreeing to see me at such short notice, but I have a pitch here for the show that, in all honesty, can save the BBC. And the best thing is, it’s come from one of your own blogs so you already own the rights. Now, have a read of this:
The other morning there was a programme about robins. The presenter cum naturalist was doing quite an intensive study on them and tagged a huge range of individuals. Then a mystery disease hit the bird population and a few hundred of the robins, both tagged and those in neighbouring areas died. My immediate thought was had the observer passed on a human disease to the birds.
A very sad case of loving something to death. If I’m right.
susman
So here’s the pitch. Every episode, susman investigates some mysterious epidemic. You know, disappearing bees, coughing geese, otters with verrucas. Then he immediately jumps to a conclusion about what caused it, and ignores anyone who tries to offer actual knowledge of epidemiology or physiology or common sense. I see it as being like Quincy, only with Quincy being played as a brain-damaged Terry Nutkins. I’m thinking Danny Dyer, maybe Dexter Fletcher. At the end of each episode, susman looks at the camera with a hangdog sense of fin de siecle and says something CSI-profound like “Otters love to swim. But they couldn’t swim away from progress. If I’m right.” Bingo, 9 million viewers and a BAFTA. Easy. Oh come on, you fuckers greenlit Hustle.
36 Responses to “Susman: Epidemiologist”
Can I just say that for such big men, BBC Security are surprisingly courteous when they throw you out of the building.
“If I’m right” I think that Susman has been committing avian genocide particularly amongst the Robin fraternity. A simple case of a mindwarped Nutkins Stalker.
Haha, she said cum.
I like this section of the BBC – there’s only the option to ‘Complain about this comment’ and no ‘recommend’ button.
Never mind Hustle, those cunts greenlit Apparitions.
And ‘Bonekickers’ let’s not forget I think you’re onto a winner.
[Quote]..A very sad case of loving something to death.[/Quote]
Yes – just like what happened to my dear hamster, Heinrich.
Geese fly in a V formation. But there’s no victory against air pollution. If I’m right.
A hedgehog’s spines are for protection, but there’s no protection against a speeding juggernaut. If I’m right.
I must confess to a soft spot for little robins. The way they look at you, all coquettish like. And those little red breasts they flash at you. Priceless.
Robin fact-fart from Joy Pattinson:
(from HYS topic: ‘Is your garden a nature haven?’)
Yes my garden is just for the birds. I spend a lot of money on shelled peanuts and bird balls and get paid in spades by sights that I would never want to miss. Bluetits tap on my window to let me know their nuts have gone. After the refills they sing their thanks. A robin came to check the grub on 21 October returning six weeks later, it stayed for a couple of meals, disappeared, then returned this week. They rely on dropped tiny particles; they cannot perch as their legs are too long.
Joy Pattinson, ROLLE, Switzerland
Joy buys the bird balls for the Bluetits whose nuts have gone. If I am right.
David Caruso could deliver this line perfectly from behind his recently-applied sunglasses. But David Caruso is far too expensive for this show. If I’m right.
Well I’m not surprised they caught some sort of disease if the presenter was cumming all over the naturalist while they were trying to tag the poor little feathered fuckers…
Do you know how many germs there are in just one drop of spunk?!!!??11!
No wonder all the whores and harlots spit the vile stuff out when you crack one off in their gob!
Having said that I’ll happily cum all over Kate Humble if the offer’s open.
I’ll even spatter a bit on Bill Oddie if it gets me on the telly.
on average about 239,012 per 0.001 millilitre
Those bees loved to make honey, but there’s nothing sweet about their disappearance – they may never BEE here again.
If I’m right.
“If an egg can fit in there, why can’t I?”
Curse those cum naturalists!
Killer Whales are gentle giants, but they couldn’t ORCAstrate a campaign to defeat military sonar. If I’m right.
Is “if I’m right ?” the new “Relax, I’m a…” ?
I like it!
In the 1970′s Terry Nation wrote a tv series called “Survivors” in which most of the world’s population was wiped out by a super-flu virus. 40 years later and we live in fear of the world’s population being wiped out by avian-related super-flu viruses.
My immediate thought is Terry Nation is an evil cunt who has been brewing up super-flu viruses in his garden shed and training flocks of birds to spread them around the world. The only obvious answer is to take a hammer and crush the fingers of all tv drama writers. If I’m right, that is.
Beware! ‘Tragic catchphrases’ are a portent of impending Blahmageddon…
It had better not be. Anyone using it outside the comments for this post will be subjected to the unthinkable horror of having me say nasty things about them on the internet.
The Monarch Butterfly may be the king of insects, but it’s been ROYALLY fucked by this DDT spill. If I’m right.
Just kill anything that flies (up to and including Jumbo jets!) then we can be guarenteed safety from any germs that ooze from these feathered fuckers!
A bit harsh you may say? Nah! My granny had a budgie that could bend the bars of its cage to escape,and Ive hated anything with a beak ever since…still cant look at Barry Manilow without twitching
“The Tyrannosaurus Rex was the king of the prehistoric world. But one butterfly’s death lead to the *tyranny* of Deutscher. If I’m right.”
I’ve jazzed it up with a time-travelling element, like. They’ll love that shit.
Polar bears rely on the thick arctic sea ice to hunt and survive. Which means they’ll be proPOLARly fucked when it all melts. If I’m a badger’s quim. Which I am. If I’m right.
The beautiful, majestic Lion is the king of the African plains. But it’ll soon be ‘lion’ around on my living room floor as a smashing rug, if I can hit the fucker with this next shot…
If I’m a porcupine’s pissflaps. Which I am. But also if I’m right.
You always hurt the one you love.
Brilliant. All thse lines are golden, guys. I can see our show now, pride of place in a near-primetime slot on Dave 2 +1 (Cymru area only).
The Rock Hyrax, also known as the Dassie, is the closest living relative to Elephants. But the future looks DASSIElate for them if man continues to HYJAX its environment. If I’m right.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
I had a robin like dear Joy’s visitor.
I saw it in my garden in North Wales in 1963, and it turned up again yesterday nearly a hundred miles away ! And it had hardly changed at all in appearance.
If I’m right.
Has anyone said “”Bank”.” yet? Shall I? “Bank”.! “Bank”.! God I love this site.
Wait. The dinosaurs were wiped out for a time travelling epidemiological reality show?
Wasn’t that an old “Tharg’s Future Shocks” story? Careful. They sued “Hardware”…
As I recall it in that particular Future Shock the dinosaurs were being hunted for their meat, rather than pure entertainment. This was in an earlier, more naive age when basic human necessities were considered vastly more important than cheap television drama. You’d never see such a primitive storyline these days.
Plane Stupid? PLAID STUPIN more like.
These birds will surely die out if he competition keeps ROBIN their food
That last note of Joy’s reminded me of nothing so much as Myra from Loony toons-
“come back little fuzzy-wuzzy…!”