spEak You're bRanes

Visionary

10 Responses to “Visionary”

1. on 06 Feb 2009 at 9:58 am   dirigible
   
   

   Someone’s been watching E.T. again.

2. on 06 Feb 2009 at 11:18 am   wringhim
   
   

   I’m surprised nobody suggested the obvious solution, which is to jail anybody who makes silent 999 calls if they’re not currently being kidnapped. Maybe they could be named and shamed and their mobile numbers published in the newspapers. Get to it, News of the World!

3. on 06 Feb 2009 at 12:01 pm   Dr Shade
   
   

   Why not just have a separate number that means “I’m in trouble but cannot speak?” – Will Shaw Barnsley

   Great idea but it doesn’t go far enough! What about a third number that means “I’m in real trouble but can’t even dial!?” – that way when the police don’t get any calls at all they’ll realise we’re all fucked and can’t even dial for help!

   Would the use of an emergency number which doesn’t consist of the same three numbers not reduce the number of “dialled by accident in your bag/pocket” calls? – Sue, London

   Well, statistically the answer would be “no” – because the numbers on the keypad are being pressed accidentally there is an equal chance of the numbers 7/4/1 being pushed as there is 9/9/9 so whatever 3 numbers you pick the same number of accidental dialling is still going to happen you dimwitted badger’s flange

   As it appears that the majority of these calls are from mobile phones, I suggest the following to either eradicate the cause, or prevent the call from going through or being cancelled once activated. Somewhere on the mobile a lock button can be fitted that can only be released by an emergency service officer. The button is pressed and the emergency number dialled. The button is released. That number will now remain open so it can be traced. The line will remain operative until the call is cancelled by an official in attendance. Effectively it cannot be disconnected by anyone else. If an operator tries to disconnect, the emergency number will repeat call. This should dramatically reduce the number of accidental calls – it may even save a life. – Tony Ive, Petersfield

   No Tony this will not “dramatically reduce the number of accidental calls” because the accidental calls will still be accidentaly made (the clue is in the word “accidentally” not meaning the same thing as “deliberately” do you see?)

   What you plan WILL mean is that emergency service personnel will now have to physically turn uip to every single one of the 5.5 million accidental calls a year to unlock the persons phone keypad you moronic fuckwit…

   If you are trying to make a surreptitious emergency call, it is unlikely that you will be able to confirm your situation. Couldn’t mobiles have a panic button with a suitable cover? – Neil Turton, Lancaster

   Or better yet why not a concealed taser gun, flamethrower and rocket backpack? That should be enough to get you out of most situations.

   I had always hoped if I needed it, I could do what Hannah did. In fact my previous handset had an option to call 999 automatically if you played with a fixed pattern of buttons in your pocket. – Hugh, London

   And by an amazing coincidence the fixed pattern of buttons consisted of the numbers 9, 9, 9, followed by “connect”…

4. on 06 Feb 2009 at 1:27 pm   Funny Peculiar
   
   

   Why not just have a separate number that means “I’m in trouble but cannot speak?” – Will Shaw Barnsley

   Maybe it would be safer if 999 had a recorded intro-message saying “If you can speak safely, please press 1. If you are a hostage and but can only whisper, please press 2. If you are a hostage who can knock once for yes and twice for no, please press 3. If your phone is simply bouncing around in your bag and you have dialled accidently, please hang up now.

5. on 06 Feb 2009 at 2:52 pm   A Pedant
   
   

   Well, statistically the answer would be “no” – because the numbers on the keypad are being pressed accidentally there is an equal chance of the numbers 7/4/1 being pushed as there is 9/9/9 so whatever 3 numbers you pick the same number of accidental dialling is still going to happen you dimwitted badger’s flange

   Well statistically that’s only true if you assume that the chances of any single digit being pressed accidentally is equal. But actually, if you look at a mobile phone in reality and think about the handbag scenario, it’s actually not equal.

   So there, you weasel’s mimsy.

6. on 06 Feb 2009 at 3:12 pm   Kelvin
   
   

   Well, even ignoring that it can’t be the case that multiple random presses cause the calls because you’d still need to hit the connect button, statistics don’t really come into it because the problem is that phones with the keypad locked will still allow 999 and 112 to be dialled in emergencies. So whether the keys are being randomly bashed or not, if the phone ignores any other number and only accepts the next in the sequence of an emergency number, the chances of an emergency number being dialled turn into a selected sort. Even if it resets after each failed attempt at an emergency number that still raises the risk of dialling one because it chunks the emergency numbers out into new strings rather than hiding them in the middle of long random numbers. Thus it can be seen that as long as the mandated behaviour of requiring that a keylocked phone can still dial an emergency number makes the odds practically identical for any three-digit number.

   Catchphrase.

7. on 06 Feb 2009 at 3:13 pm   Kelvin
   
   

   Ah, the first sentence of that should have been “it can’t be the case that multiple presses only on the same key cause the calls.”

8. on 06 Feb 2009 at 4:45 pm   Dr Shade
   
   

   But actually, if you look at a mobile phone in reality and think about the handbag scenario, it’s actually not equal.

   So there, you weasel’s mimsy.

   That’s actualy a valid, if pedantic, point!

   You stoat’s scrotum.

   Having said that, usually when I look at my mobile phone in reality, I’m actually contemplating a scenario involving Miley Cyrus and the vibrate function…

   (Although I suppose Miley might have a handbag on her at the time)

9. on 07 Feb 2009 at 10:19 am   A Pedantic Stoat's Scrotum
   
   

   Having said that, usually when I look at my mobile phone in reality, I’m actually contemplating a scenario involving Miley Cyrus and the vibrate function…

   Can’t fault you there.

10. on 06 Mar 2009 at 3:13 am   Jaron Kerr
    
    

    sombreros on them. 3. Announce \”I hat you too, ya little shits.\”