Curtain Twitchers and Plain Weird and Self-appointed Sages20 Feb 2009 12:45 pm
By Alex

Thanks to Ellie for pointing me at this, and finding the last comment. The advance of technology. No need to carry a pocketful of cumbersome, jangling coins around. No more running out of the pub in the rain to find a hole in the wall, or desperately trying to get change for the vending machine. Cash gradually and naturally dies out. Surely nobody could make a paranoid dystopian fantasy around that.

One thing I like about cash – the government can’t track exactly what you spend your money on.

Linda, Oxford

I don’t know if you’ve been reading the news Linda, but the government can’t track full stop. The government can’t track laptops, CD-Roms, memory-sticks and paper reports when it’s actually holding them. Even if they cared enough to try, they’d never find out that you still buy Just 17 at the age of thirty-eight.

A cashless society would be just another facet of Gordon Brown’s Nu-liebour totalitarian Britain.
ID cards, telephone and email monitoring, satellite vehicle tracking, CCTV on every corner, overseas travel tracked, and now EVERY monetary transaction on record.

Winston Smith, Shoeburyness, England

Tread carefully Winston. The Government can see your bookshelves and know you haven’t opened your copy of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

This is the next step towards a global Orwellian state that David Icke has been predicting since 1990. A cashless society were all transactions are recorded and controlled by the ruling elite.

The next step, Human microchipping with cash credits embedded on your personalised chip. Go against the system and zap, no credit, no food and shelter, end result total control.

Wake up sheep before its too late.

[neworldorder]

Most recommended comment. My quality of life improved severalfold when I started imagining these in the voice of Dale Gribble.

33 Responses to “They Know About Your Jim Davidson DVD”

  1. on 20 Feb 2009 at 12:58 pm Jimmy Bignutz

    The fact that there’s no comma in “wake up sheep” suggests that maybe we’re not the sheep and it’s just a simple instruction. I’m not sure how it will help, but I’m sure David Icke has an answer.

    PS – “Tread carefully Winston. The Government can see your bookshelves and know you haven’t opened your copy of Nineteen Eighty-Four.” – best comment evur.

  2. on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:02 pm Killing Time

    “This is the next step towards a global Orwellian state that David Icke has been predicting since 1990.”

    I can just imagine the HYS masses, led by Topsy, are all on their way to JJB to buy their turquoise tracksuits as I type this.

  3. on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:17 pm Rich (Mmath)(Oxon)

    The sad thing is that every single comment on that thread is like those ones.

    You’d have thought that at least one of the HYS-posting public would have used a credit card to buy something at some point in their lives.

  4. on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:30 pm Dr Shade

    To be fair Jim Davidson was funny in that sit-com he did called “Elephant & Castle” where he played a cock-er-nee chauffer. I laughed so much at that that I once pooped myself a little bit.

    And those hilarious anecdotes about his mate Chalky!

    Now that was comedy – much better than these days when all you get are fat Lancastrians screeching “GARLIC BREAD??????” at you over and over and over again…

  5. on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:55 pm Killing Time

    I believe it was actually “Up the Elephant and Round the Castle”

    tsk! Edukashun today!

  6. on 20 Feb 2009 at 2:12 pm Chris

    Even if the government can track my credit card purchases, does anyone, the ‘ruling lizard elite’ or otherwise, give one tiny iota of a fuck whether I purchased some milk, bread and a twix from the co-op.

  7. on 20 Feb 2009 at 2:39 pm James

    Even if the government can track my purchases, does anyone care that 95% of my income is spent on bog roll, fertiliser, hard core pornography, detergent, Snickers, whores and ammo? I doubt it.

  8. on 20 Feb 2009 at 2:47 pm Albert Muffpie

    Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being a fat Lancastrian. And I think you’ll find that the “Garlic Bread” joke is the pinnacle of modern comedy.

  9. on 20 Feb 2009 at 2:51 pm Albert Muffpie

    OK, well it’s not really the pinnacle, as such. More of a hillock. Perhaps a molehill. Fine, then – a massive great big fucking gorge that opens up before your feet and sucks you in before you can even say “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

    It was funny, at first, but then people started repeated it endlessly because they thought that saying it whenever someone presented garlic bread to them or suggested it when ordering takeaway made them a funny person who all the girls would sleep with. (I’m sensing a theme here…)

  10. on 20 Feb 2009 at 2:52 pm Dr Shade

    And I think you’ll find that the “Garlic Bread” joke is the pinnacle of modern comedy

    Apart from Lenny Henry gurning like a cretin in a mac and beret and saying “Ooh Betty…” obviously.

  11. on 20 Feb 2009 at 3:10 pm Albert Muffpie

    Anyway, back to the main topic: Winston Smith of Shoeburyness has this sage advice for anyone who takes part in the grand old internet:

    Only a complete idiot would post their entire life on the internet for anyone to see.

    If they get ripped off by these sites then I have no sympathy.

    Winston Smith, Shoeburyness, England

    Recommended by 0 people

    Great stuff here from Winston, who is also a regular commenter on the Basildon Echo website (particularly the traffic articles), the Basildon Recorder, and the Southend Standard, constantly leaving his little droppings of information all over the internet for anyone to accidentally tread in.

  12. on 20 Feb 2009 at 3:30 pm Kelvin

    Apparently Shoeburyness is only a hundred years from falling into the sea. Sooner if global warming raises the sea level. I’m burning tyres in the garden every night, myself.

  13. on 20 Feb 2009 at 3:56 pm Chris

    I think it’s important to remember that all catchphrases and comedic skits get less funny the more they are retold.

    Except “who am I, facking noddy?” from Chris Morris’ Jam, which actually get funnier the more often its repeated.

  14. on 20 Feb 2009 at 4:19 pm Neil

    I hope neworldorder will let me join their revolution, prepare yourself people soon everyone will have heard their name.

    What’s so bad about not carrying cash? It seemed to work out alright in Total Recall.

    On the subject of comedians, that michael mcintyre is a bit of a dick.

  15. on 20 Feb 2009 at 4:23 pm Kelvin

    I couldn’t work out what it was about The Peter Serafinowicz Show that felt so old-fashioned, until I realised it relied on jokes rather than increasingly-hysterical repetitions of catchphrases.

  16. on 20 Feb 2009 at 5:10 pm Graduatecalling

    Oh dear, at what point does David Icke become a good person to listen to?

  17. on 20 Feb 2009 at 5:34 pm David Icke

    That Bernard Manning bloke was the best comedian ever.

  18. on 20 Feb 2009 at 6:25 pm Phil

    “This is the next step towards a global Orwellian state that David Icke has been predicting since 1990.”

    Great stuff, didn’t someone else predict and “Orwellian” state when he wrote a certain book in 1948? His name escapes me right now, anyone got an idea?

  19. on 20 Feb 2009 at 7:13 pm Bit Special

    Kelvin – I think you’ll find that global warming is a big hoax/myth (hoax-myth?) perpetrated by lunatics who believe in science and provable facts, rather than teh wurd ov Jebus. Perhaps we should just organise a big SYB day out to Shoeburyness so we can push it into the sea ourselves?

    For me, the funniest joke/comment ever was Charlie Brooker describing someone’s facial expression as looking like ‘a schizophrenic mime artist guarding a box of snakes’ (which I might not have recalled spot-on). But Alex’s comment about Winston not reading his 1984 was pretty fucking good.

  20. on 20 Feb 2009 at 7:15 pm Daley Mayle

    Is it Nu-LiarBore or Nu-LieBour? I need clarification.

  21. on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:07 pm Dr Feelgood

    Let’s assume for a moment that the world is indeed run by alien lizards in cahoots with the Illuminati. Let’s assume that they have the power to subvert governments, start wars, control the media and disappear their opponents. Let’s assume all this is true…

    …so you must be a complete fucking idiot to post your antipathy towards them on a public website like HYS. It’s not going to be too hard for the jackbooted thought police to find you is it?

    Soon the lizards’ labour camps (or is it nulabour camps?) will be packed with people wearing nothing but stained underpants snatched from in front of their PC World Packard Bells and their single room bedsits above the launderette in Berkhamstead and dragged off to a thorough rubber truncheoning in the bowels of the BBC.

    Personally, I’m a big fan of the lizards. Good job guys, and if you need a helping hand, just give me a shout.

  22. on 20 Feb 2009 at 10:05 pm Kelvin

    Kelvin – I think you’ll find that global warming is a big hoax/myth (hoax-myth?) perpetrated by lunatics who believe in science and provable facts, rather than teh wurd ov Jebus. Perhaps we should just organise a big SYB day out to Shoeburyness so we can push it into the sea ourselves?

    We’d never be able to push that many burnt-out cars. Does anyone else see the irony in people being so blasé about rising sea levels when they believe in the literal truth of a biblical flood?

  23. on 20 Feb 2009 at 10:08 pm Tedious Twat Who Thinks He's Funny

    > or is it nulabour camps?

    Presumably that’s where one undergoes re-education, re-education, re-education…

  24. on 20 Feb 2009 at 10:22 pm Catachresis

    I like that “zap” is the sound government conspiracies make.

  25. on 20 Feb 2009 at 10:36 pm Bit Special

    Kelvin, you’d enjoy* one of my favourite interwebs pastimes – I log onto mental American Fundamentalist Christian sites and ask really *innocently* inflammatory questions about their beliefs under the guise of just being a rather clueless fellow Christian who wants to be closer to ‘The Lord’, but doesn’t understand the concepts they espouse and needs them explaining explicitly. In some responses you can even pinpoint the moment where they realise their beliefs are snookerloopy, start to panic and then get really hostile as they try to unthink the iota of logic they allowed into their tiny (non-monkey related) brains momentarily. It’s a treat for all the family! It’s really brought me and my partner closer together. The couple that goads cretins together, stays together.

    *That’s presuming you don’t do this sort of thing already.

  26. on 20 Feb 2009 at 10:46 pm Kelvin

    I used to have fun doing that to Capalert (I once suggested to them they should show how wholesome the Bible is by subjecting it to their own review process) but arguing with fundies gets boring very quickly. They always fall back to the same easy arguments and ignore anything that challenges their worldview. SYB keeps my enthusiasm up because I get to mock that kind of stupidity rather than having to actually engage with it.

  27. on 20 Feb 2009 at 11:10 pm Bit Special

    Yea, SYB is truly manna from misanthropic heaven (which, er, doesn’t exist, which makes the manna doubly rewarding if not… confusing?). It is my favourite sneering-at-fucktards destination. I even accidentally got myself put on some weird ‘person of suspicion’ list with my library service when my internet was down over a weekend and I tried to access SYB there and found it was a ‘blocked site’ for reasons of ‘promoting hatred’. You try explaining why a site called ‘if you like it so much why don’t you go live there’ is not dodgy to a purse-faced, jobsworth Mimsy who can’t even view it for themselves. And then the fucking blah filter was on! Marked down as a blinkered racist for nowt: ‘epic fail’, as the young ‘uns might say.

    And yet still, still it draws me with its siren call of bitter sarcasm…

  28. on 21 Feb 2009 at 4:28 am Rod Wrongnob

    One thing I like about cash – the government can’t track exactly what you spend your money on.

    Silly cow. Doesn’t she know about the fingerprint scanners that are built into all new cash registers and linked to the New Stasi database?

    single room bedsits above the launderette in Berkhamstead

    Ed Reardon = quite funny

  29. on 21 Feb 2009 at 4:26 pm Messtim

    J17 closed down a while back. Pity really, the problem pages were a hoot.

  30. on 22 Feb 2009 at 12:46 am Funny Peculiar

    This is the next step towards a global Orwellian state that David Icke has been predicting since 1990. [neworldorder]

    You reckon? Think about it… how did Icke know? Eh? How did Icke know that lizards are behind everything? He’s an ultra-elegant, double-bluff. The lizards are real alright.

    First Icke pretends to go totally, utterly, stark, staring fruit-loops; hearing voices, purple energy, etc, etc, He acts in public like such a sad dick that only tragic, interweb loons like Neworldorder give him credit. He becomes a laughing stock. Then, he TELLS THE TRUTH!

    And he utterly discredits what is absolute fact because NO-ONE would want to associate themselves with someone who appears to be a cross between Sri Baba Peedo-Afro and Alan Partridge.

    Watch him. Watch Icke. He doesn’t blink much, does he? hmmm?

  31. on 23 Feb 2009 at 10:55 am Rotwatcher

    <blockquote.Even if the government can track my credit card purchases, does anyone, the ‘ruling lizard elite’ or otherwise, give one tiny iota of a fuck whether I purchased some milk, bread and a twix from the co-op.

    Fucking student.

  32. on 23 Feb 2009 at 10:55 am Rotwatcher

    pissflaps

  33. on 25 Feb 2009 at 8:29 pm Addictuas

    this site destroys all of my faith in humanity.