Plain Weird and Retired Colonels24 Feb 2009 03:21 pm

Scrapey Cervix Funtime!

By Nelson

Thanks to Michael for this.

Ceefax Idiot

34 Responses to “Scrapey Cervix Funtime!”

  1. on 24 Feb 2009 at 3:54 pm   A Woman (but not a psychologist)

    He is wrong, it is exactly as horrible as it sounds.

  2. on 24 Feb 2009 at 4:00 pm   Sarah

    I don’t want to be asked in for a general female check. It sounds like an elaborate pretext for an all-purpose medical grope.

  3. on 24 Feb 2009 at 4:10 pm   Nelson

    “Just pop your bonnet up and we’ll fix you up with a new air filter while we’re at it”.

  4. on 24 Feb 2009 at 4:24 pm   outragedofbelmarsh

    Foo-Foo Wellbeing Spa.
    Yoni Pamper, with organic Tibetan healing wind-chime speculums.
    Lady Garden Nasty Goblin identifier.

  5. on 24 Feb 2009 at 4:26 pm   weeza

    May I suggest DM undergo the cotton-bud-in-the-japs-eye test simultaneously with a prostate exam, whilst fourteen med students with clipboards and rubber gloves look on and he is told to ‘just relax’ on a paper sheet with his ankles behind his head and a bright light shining on his nether regions? Just for comparison’s sake?

  6. on 24 Feb 2009 at 4:26 pm   Kelvin

    I thought they were already doing what DM suggests by not calling it a “Knees Akimbo Cold Jelly Vaginal Shove Cervix Yank-Scratch Shame-o-rama.”

  7. on 24 Feb 2009 at 4:36 pm   Dr Shade

    Can I cast my vote for calling it the “Magic Funpants Test”…?

  8. on 24 Feb 2009 at 4:37 pm   Nick

    I prefer http://www.seefacks.co.uk for this kind of nonsense.

  9. on 24 Feb 2009 at 4:52 pm   Dr Feelgood

    As you can tell from my name, I am a qualified gynaecologist (though since the BMA hearing I am no longer allowed to practice). So as an expert in this subject, may I commend DM for his insight – after all we don’t want the ladies’ lovely fluffy brains to get all confused by complicated medical terminology only we men understand, do we?

  10. on 24 Feb 2009 at 5:21 pm   Bit Special

    ‘Smear Test’ is not off-putting. Having a giant, cold piece of metal shoved up your Jemima Puddleduck which is then opened up even further whilst someone stares straight up your tunnel of love whilst scraping your cervix with a big lollystick for what seems like hours IS, however, very off-putting.

    Is it too early to make some sort of Jade Goody reference re: renaming it? Is it? IS it? We’re all thinking it.

    (Feel a bit guilty now)

  11. on 24 Feb 2009 at 6:05 pm   Mim

    I like DM’s apparent belief that checking a woman’s cervix for abnormal cells is somehow the same as a “general” health check. (Or “female check” which sounds slightly as though the NHS feels the need to ascertain that we’re all still women at three-yearly intervals.) I am neither a man nor a Ceefax contributor but I am fairly sure that human bodies can go wrong in quite a lot of ways.

  12. on 24 Feb 2009 at 6:08 pm   Steve BSc (Hons) (St And)

    What are the intervals between general female checks?

    “A few times ’round the block and she’ll soon put on the miles, best book a general female check”

  13. on 24 Feb 2009 at 6:45 pm   Dr Shade

    Is it too early to make some sort of Jade Goody reference re: renaming it?

    The “Goody Look”…?

    Or perhaps the “Jade-Splayed Goody Look”…?

  14. on 24 Feb 2009 at 6:49 pm   Bernie Issue

    I’m not a woman or a medic, yet I can still make a tit of myself with surgical precision

  15. on 24 Feb 2009 at 7:52 pm   Bit Special

    Dr Shade – trust a real medical expert to come up with a proper term for an unpleasant but necessary check-up! Next time the local surgery send me a reminder for my annual Goody Look, I shall fair skip along to the Nurse Practitioner, beaming with the anticipation of all that indignity and pain just because the procedure has a catchy moniker. Put a few Hello Kitty stickers on the envelope and my day will be complete (you know what we ladies are like)!

    Perhaps we should adopt sleb-tastic names for all sorts of unpleasant medical examinations: how about ‘Beckham’s Brown Glove Time’ for prostrate checks?

  16. on 24 Feb 2009 at 7:57 pm   MiniHaHa

    How about calling the test’Going anywhere interesting after this’ (The Embarrassing Chat) Test. Can only be done when a stranger is nose up close to your cha-cha. And it’s got to be a nurse or doctor stranger to qualify. Or I suppose a strange nurse or a strange doctor if you are unlucky.

  17. on 24 Feb 2009 at 9:36 pm   millie

    I’m sure it’s not as horrible as it sounds

    Not horrible at all, I quite look forward to them.

  18. on 24 Feb 2009 at 9:52 pm   Albert Muffpie

    I am neither a woman nor a doctor, and have never even seen a cervix before it has been skinned and roasted, but I’m fairly sure that it should be pretty easy to catch the buggers before they try and climb up women’s mimsies.

  19. on 24 Feb 2009 at 9:53 pm   Albert Muffpie

    Having just checked google, I wish to retract my previous comment. However, I am still at a loss as to why checking the tailbone for cancer should be an especially uncomfortable feminine pursuit.

  20. on 24 Feb 2009 at 9:55 pm   Albert Muffpie

    Having just checked Wikipedia, I have realised my mistake, and wish to retract the previous comment and replace it with “Oh. That makes more sense. I’ll, erm, yeah… “

  21. on 25 Feb 2009 at 12:04 am   Sarah

    Hot for the “Goody look”. Well, not the *actual* Goody look. But as a term, it is king.

  22. on 25 Feb 2009 at 1:20 pm   Hacksaw Jim Duggan

    Cunt-Scrape.

    Job done.

  23. on 25 Feb 2009 at 1:55 pm   Bit Special

    It’s not technically a scrape of the cunt, though – it’s a scrape of the cervix. ‘Goody look’ is the clear winner.

  24. on 25 Feb 2009 at 2:23 pm   Hans Uppercunt MD

    How about the ‘Mimsy MOT’? Perhaps KwikFit can start doing a 2-for-one annual service+cervix. They could give you a ‘Goody look’ while you wait for them to kick the tyres / change the oil on the Ka.

  25. on 25 Feb 2009 at 4:04 pm   Hacksaw Jim Duggan

    It’s not technically a scrape of the cunt, though – it’s a scrape of the cervix. ‘Goody look’ is the clear winner.

    You’ve raised a very good question there? At what point does the Cunt stop?

    In the case of our old friend Mr Topsyturvey, the answer is never.

  26. on 25 Feb 2009 at 7:33 pm   nurse millie

    At what point does the Cunt stop?

    It starts at the cervix and ends at the top of the pubic bone. Fact!

  27. on 25 Feb 2009 at 11:19 pm   Steve

    What makes this pile of shite even worse is that the cuntbubble who wrote it also wrote the same letter, word for word, to Write On, ITV Teletexts equivalent of Dear Ceefax.

  28. on 26 Feb 2009 at 3:17 pm   Mim

    Steve, I’d like to thank you for the word “cuntbubble” which, unlike “cunt”, I am more than happy to apply to rubbish human beings. Um, not in any literal sense. Not to rubbish people, anyway.

  29. on 26 Feb 2009 at 8:43 pm   Paul D. Waite

    > all-purpose medical grope

    We have a winner.

  30. on 27 Feb 2009 at 2:33 pm   Hacksaw Jim Duggan

    I worked in a pub in a very insular area of Liverpool where one of the locals was convinced that the smear test comprised a long glass rod, much like a bannister. Apparently, this stalwart of pub knowledge described a system where women would undress and slide down said bannister, leaving a “snail trail” which would then be examined by gynaecologists. I’m sure this would have been as horrible an experience as it sounds.

  31. on 01 Mar 2009 at 2:26 pm   downfader

    Written by “DM” I see..? Was this Danger Mouse per chance?

  32. on 06 Mar 2009 at 2:49 pm   Biff

    Snatch Watch

  33. on 10 Mar 2009 at 7:53 pm   Brooke

    they’ve been calling them ‘cervical screen’ tests these days – probably for that exact reason.

  34. on 20 Mar 2009 at 1:18 pm   Chortle

    Smear test;
    I’m imagining a random spot test on buttering up toasted crumpets.