Permanently Bewildered25 Feb 2009 01:19 pm
By Nelson
Money saving tips:
Steal tea bags, pens and milk from work (what else are they there for?)
Don’t fill up the cats bowl till he’s eaten what’s already in there.
Go to your mum and dads house and steal their food.
Go for dinner at friends houses as frequently as possible, take a bottle of the cheapest wine available and always bring it home if there is any left.
Charge phones & ipods in work
Use hair straightners in work
In fact, do everything that uses electricity in work.
paul masson, Liverpool/Manchester
Excellent suggestions. Here are mine.
- If Paul Masson turns up around teatime with a bottle of wine, take it off him then tell him to bollocks.
- Eat the cat.
- Always haggle with prostitutes, they’re often desperate. Pick the one with the stringiest hair for extra savings!
- Grow your own tobacco.
- Stop buying bogroll. Bumrinse, bumrinse, bumrinse!
49 Responses to “Bumrinse”
I think a lawsuit from viz’s top tips may be in order
Bumrinse, bumrinse, bumrinse at work, surely?
Hang on… it’s Paul Masson, the purveyor of the hideous ‘Californian Carafe’? That rancid vat-swill from the 80s? How stingy can you get… he’s a millionaire with an ocean of cheap plonk and he still takes his bottles home with him!!! And presumably he owns the office where he charges all his appliances and nicks pens. The man is clearly insane.
I think it’s someone who set out to take the piss and write something amusing but failed.
oh. Thank fuck I’m not him, that would be social death to be not funny and that.
My tip is this: when putting bullet points down on a web page where the left hand side bleeds a different colour into the background, use small .png images with a transparent background colour for the bullet points so you don’t have squares of the pure background colour cut into the bleed
Does this site look to you like it was built by someone who gives a deep-fried horse-cock about stuff like that?
I spend my entire fucking day designing, building and maintaining beautiful systems.. all extensible and configurable and lush. And what do you think I hear back? Do you think they say “The way you made it integrate with our ActiveDirectory is brilliant and has made the permissions system completely transparent”? No. They say “I think the font on that sub-heading is “StoatFucker Bold Heavy Condensed 33″ and it should be “StoatFucker Bold Heavy 33″.
Design nerds are shit nerds
Those aren’t bullet points artfag, they’re miniature dice…
Snake eyes!
My tip is this: Don’t suggest something unless you understand exactly what a headfuck it is to get it working in every browser without knocking out any chance of ever putting an a inside one of those lis and still have it work while ensuring standards compliance and maintainability.
That wasn’t, by the way, an invitation for anyone to start telling us how to do all of those things. We do actually know how but we can’t be bollocksed to.
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth
Fitter, healthier, more productive…
a pig in a cage on antibiotics
I always make sure that I take a shit at work – uses their toilet roll and their water when I flush and not mine ha ha!
Hurts like a fucking bastard holding the turds in all weekend though…
I actually know someone who got sacked for “stealing electricity” for doing that where I work…
I thought the tea and milk at work was to make cups of tea with. What a fool I’ve been.
Dammit! I thought the Peter Sutcliffe perm was all the rage this season. Hope it grows out soon.
Oh no, have I really got to EVERYTHING that uses electricity? I don’t actually want to start smelting aluminium, run Uranium hexafluoride centrifuges, aerate fish tank water, or record David Dickinson’s Real Deal.
Dr Shade – my weekend saving tip for you is to take a dump on your neighbour’s lawn and wipe your arse on their cat.
The industrial rolls of loo paper are a great steal for you kleptos out there.
Yeah, but they can’t fire someone for being a tiresome, irritaing liability with drony voice, can they? (I should know)
This is clearly a bogus HYS entry. The guy talks about having friends.
And Topsy Turvy’s always banging on about how he protects this nation in the Army Air Force Navy, although curiously his front-line posting gives him plenty of time to bang out arseburp on every thread HYS vomits up. A more cynical person might think that people on HYS aren’t always telling the truth.
Paul Masson, responsible for the greates Orson Well moments ever?:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5LkDNu8bVU
Kelvin, are you actually suggesting that our fine friends on HYS sometimes, nay, often, say any old bullshit that will support whatever cretinous, kneejerk, hateful, barely readable ‘forrins aht’ bullshit they feel the dreary necessity to spew onto teh interwebs? How dare you, Sir? How DARE you!
Why doesn’t Masson just go ‘Don’t have friends, friends are expensive’ and be done with it?
Oh, hang on. His friends give him free food-silly me.
‘Go to your mum and dads house and steal their food’??? Why doesn’t he go the whole hog and suggest volunteering for doing Meals on Wheels delivery then scoffing all the food yourself?
PS Dr Feelgood,straighteners can be used for a lot more than just, well, straightening. I maintain my Hindley bouffant with a top-end pair of GHDs (it’s a particularly difficult look for afro hair).
Thank you BLIAW – I was hoping there was a market for hairstyles based on those of serial killers. However, on reflection most seem to go for the lank greasy comb over.
Nevertheless, one could use the straighteners for other purposes – perhaps making toasted cheese sandwiches slowly?
Hmm. You could also take in some heated rollers, wrap ‘em in bacon, turn them on et voila! Delicious crispy bacon in no (okay, some) time – plus, after you’ve eaten the bacon, you can just pop the rollers in your hair to keep your curls prozzy-strangling fresh! Don’t worry about any lingering aroma – everyone loves the smell of bacon, even vegetarians.
I’m nopt just suggesting it, it’s the basis of the thesis that earned me my first-class PhD with honours cum laude from Stephen Hawking himself.
Serial killer haircuts:
Imagine my surprise when my barber gave me a Charles Manson, I’d asked him for a Phil Spector.
You couldn’t make it up.
“Hair straighteners”?
Is this “pick an obscure consumer durable and put it in a HYS post” day?
Paul Masson is an idiot. The first four words of his post would have sufficed, and been far more effective at saving money.
PS Nelson your bullet points look a bit fucked up. You could maybe use see-through ones or something.
invest in a knife and then you have a reliable income from mugging with no overhead costs
and you’ll never be suspected because you don’t look like a mugger. you are all white, right?
Aww. Do you want to talk about it, love? I’ll put the kettle on and you get it all off your chest. You’ll feel better after a good cry.
I have been saddened beyond description at the thought that Nelson probably just made up the StoatFucker font.
Give it a short while.. most things found on computers these days were actually conceived as a joke before making it to reality: spEak You’re bRanes, Microsoft Windows, Joy Pattinson, etc…
Are you one of “them”? The sort of people who remember what colour other people’s bathrooms are? I can’t remember what colour MY fucking bathroom is. My brain is way too full of important shit. Like the names of all the actors from Stargate SG1.
REally? I know about the intoxication, increased energy, happiness, talking, desire to socialize, feeling affectionate and playful, mild disinhibition, sensuality, enhanced sexual experience, muscle relaxation. But bouffancy? Cool.
GHD is the leading make of hair straighteners in the UK (a cult brand) and yes, they do make you feel pretty spiffing and confident when you get your ‘do just right. Is this the intoxication, etc., you’re referring to?
Isn’t hair straightening a lot of tedious effort I could better spend eating crisps and watching telly? Or am I missing some amazing high?
Oh, it’s pointless and dull alright, but we’ve got to do it at work, just to save money, according to self-apppointed thrift guru Paul Masson. It better not eat into my busy schedule of doing both Guardian crosswords and pretending to give a shit about my boss’s recounts of her disastrous lovelife, that’s all I can say.
I’d've thought straight hair would be more expensive as it gets dirtier more quickly and thus needs washing more often. Obviously this wouldn’t be a factor, but I’m down to a sponge bath once a week in my credit crunch bunker. Next I have to work out how to persuade the cat to spend hours on an exercise bike to power the generator, or I’ll have to give up the Internet and then where will I vent my paranoid bile?
You’re right, it is quite tedious. But it can be done whilst eating crisps, watching TV and/or texting.
My reason for not doing it too often is that if I do it makes my hair go like I’ve rubbed a balloon up against it. That lovely ‘I’ve stuck my fingers in an electric socket’ look.
(And there was me thinking this site was a bit laddish.)
Eeeh, this is grand. I’m humming ‘Ladies Night’ to myself as I type this. I haven’t really got anything pithy, insightful or sardonic to add, I just wanted to get in on the girly banter with the few fellow females on this site. Erm, hair! Bitter misanthropy! I’ve got lots of both*. Except my hair is curly, so I don’t go in for the whole straightening lark.
Mim, a simple tinfoil hat should solve your greasy hair worries AND soothe much of your paranoia, leaving you free to despair of humanity on teh interwebs day and night. Problem solved, thanks to Auntie Bit.
*On my head – I don’t suffer from that ‘Wolfman’ condition. Honest.
Wot happened to feminism, y’bunch of useless Bridgette-bleeding-Jonettes!
Hopeless, I-need-a-man-but-they’re-all-bastards, boo-hoo-mascara-cheeks, where’s-the-vodka, oooh-look-shoes, I-want-to-marry-my-boss collaborators!
Fuck hair straighteners! It’s only one short step from hair straightners to accessorising miniature toy-dogs in pink coats.
Get a Kalasznikov, some army fatigues, an attitude and a women’s moustache. What ever happened to the cause?
Instead of using toilet roll or bumrinsing, why not just use the Daily Mail? Then there’s the chance of imprinting your favourite anti immigrunt Zanulabour baiting screaming headlines on your arse!
Oh wait that would be hippie treehugging recycling wouldn’t it?
Fear not, Offa’s Dyke, I am every bit as hairy and grumpy as could be wished, and have given my girliest clothes to my cross-dressing brother. You’ll have to prise my vodka from my cold dead dirty-nailed hands, though.
Be careful though, they get as hot as McApplestrudels.
Strikes me as perfectly sound advice – particularly in these times of “credit crunch.”
heres my tips
.compress all the left over bits of soap too make 1 big bar.
.reuse teabags up too five times.
.only poo when your in work to save on paper and water.
.the bins in mcdonalds can be a plentyfull supply of food.
.will work for food signs around your neck is good money.
You can make rollies by collecting discarded dog-ends too- and forget about pens and pencils, a burnt stick will work well as charcoal