spEak You're bRanes

Found this one on the “G20″ thread. At first it seems a cut above your standard HYS brainsquawk. In fact, it seems pretty rational, like it was written by a normal, but watch out for the modulation around “I will rant” where it shifts suddenly into the key of shitflap minor.

They will do nothing of substance. All of their leaderships have been damaged beyond repair. None of us can believe that none of them saw this coming. And even now, they refuse to realise that greed is out of fashion, or that they have run out of trust. One rule for them, another for us. And yes, I will rant. Just like the BBC, it’s ok for a radio 4 presenter to say today, that Gordon Brown is probably sticking pins in an effigy of Mervyn King, but I say it, and my comment is rejected.
Carol Lunn

Things are starting to look up. Carol Lunn obviously believes that “The BBC” is a small group of people who sit around discussing Carol Lunn. They probably share an office with the Bank of England, the unions, the National Lottery, Greenpeace, Google Maps and Gordon Brown.

Curiosity got the better of me at this point and I clicked through to see what fresh whinnets I could gingerly harvest from Carol’s claggy RSS feed. With my nail scissors, I clipped away a few of the less appetising nuggets until I came upon the chewy gem below. I’m speaking metaphorically of course (I think it’s the extra hour of sunlight doing stuff to my hormones). What I mean is that I scanned through a few hundred words of some bint whining on a web page and found this comment about “broken hearts” or something. This is one for the connoisseurs out there. It’s got fruity layers and is stuffed with petulance and pomposity. It’s been rolled in arrogance before being dusted with self-pity. Not the everyday arrogance and self-pity you’ve been forced to use to save money during the credit crunch, dear me no. This is the good shit. The really expensive stuff where you don’t merely think you’re better than everyone else or suffering worse than everyone else but actually fail to comprehend that there is anyone else.

My heart is broken when I see that the rules governing this site halt a bit of fun; just how politically controlled are you? a jest about chucking darts at a picture of someone who has wronged you? Has my comment rejected? Get real; maybe it is you who are plitical correctness gone mad. I shall now remove my comments to a different site, as I’ve noticed that anything which doesn’t comply with current political speak is rejected. Fainthearts; not in the English tradition.
Carol Lunn

Are you hearing this BBC? ARE YOU? I expect your apology before sunset today. If I do not receive it you shall face me in a duel at dawn! Fie! Blaggard!

Somebody fetch my horse. And a sandwich.

Thanks to Madhura.

“Did you switch off your lights?” (for “Earth Hour”).

You ever noticed that the people who want us to make-do-and-mend, put a brick in the toilet cistern, and save electricity are the same generation who grew up with rationing etc?
My theory is that they hit middle age, started pining for the “Good Old Days” of their youth, and became determined to make the rest of us share the experience, whether we want to or not!
the_historian, Stirling, UK

Well, my historian friend, you’re probably a little too young to remember when Claudius invaded but people pining for the “Good Old Days” of Roman occupation was actually one of the primary causes of WWII. And if you think the WWII lot are bad now they’ve reached middle-age, just wait until that “free love and flower power” bunch hit forty in 2025.

Madhura found this next one in “Has Obama got his Afghan strategy right?“. I’m a little worried that we, as a nation, allow minds this bright to be wasted on “Have Your Say”. I just hope that the Top General From The Army is reading this!

It works best if you imagine it as a voiceover at the start of an episode, doing the “Previously in Afghanistan…” summary.

Obama is worried that the ppl of SWAT valley support the taliban and the pak govt suports limited autonomy of taliban. outwardly zardari hates the taliban to please USA but inwardly he tolerates them. this is a dangerous game. The taliban are unworried by this, if they are killed in any mumber they are martyrs. US/UK troops describe taliban soldiers as not afraid of DEATH at all. So unless pakistan is ocupied fully or partially by USA Obama will not succeed.
ALLAM, Luton

And for a fun challenge, see how many times you have to read it before you can keep a straight face through the bit that goes “this is a dangerous game”.

Thanks to Michael.

I’m not sure that “nerve” is a good way to decide on a government. I mean, I’m as curious as the next man and, when I see Gordon Brown appointing that slimy, amoral, weasely, fork-tongued prick Peter Mandelson, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder what the actual fuck our PM might do next. He’s obviously got balls of steel and a brain of cheese and might do literally anything. Perhaps he’ll make Mandelson chairman of the Committee on Standards in Public Life? Teach Jack Straw to use cutlery? Replace Hazel Blears with a photo of Simon Weston glued to an optimistic horse?

Found on the Daily Mail site. Too easy, Ian, way too easy.

This is truly saddening.
I propose that – to commemorate Jade Goody, her inspirational life and her brave battle with cancer – we rename Mothers Day to “Jade Goody Remembrance day” so that she will never be forgotten, and so that she may serve as an inspiration to future generations in the fight against cancer.
My daughter recently discovered she had breast cancer because of Jade Goody. I know she must be looking down upon us now. and to her I say thank you, Jade, from the depths of my heart.
Jason McDonald, Reading

My mate Steve suggested naming a cancer after her. Then she’d be remembered forever in phrases such as “I’m afraid your fanny is riddled with Goody” or “I’m sorry to inform you that you have malignant Goody in your nutsack. Very malignant indeed. You’ve got about 2 weeks and, frankly, I’d be surprised if it didn’t take out a few innocent bystanders as well”.

Thanks to Tom.

From reading “Have Your Say” is it evident to me that most people in the world hate the US and all we stand for. Therefore, I say we withdraw our military forces from all overseas bases and deployed areas. Futhermore, we withdraw from the UN, especially all financial aid. But, our limp president is all talk. He is more concerned about wasting honest workers tax dollars than doing what is best for the people, land, and nation.
Old Soldier, TC USA

You can’t just withdraw ALL military forces overnight and expect the rest of the world to cope, you selfish shithead. Perhaps you could burn a few of their kids and leave behind some mines and unexploded cluster bombs to help them slowly aclimatise?

Thanks to everyone and his dog for sending these comments on Google Street View in, but specifically to Andrew and Sharon.

One Step too far. Privacy is a huge issue with this, effectively allowing (in a fixed slice of time) somebody to stalk another. For example, one my my colleagues is clearly visible on Street View, his face is blurred but it’s obvious who he is. What if he was walking down the street with someone else? If it was a woman, he could be in trouble with his wife (for no reason), if it was a man perhaps his boss would be wondering if it’s a recruitment agent, or the competition?
Rob Morgan, Leeds

What if he was with a man and a woman?? His boss might think he was bisexual. Or how about if he’d been walking with five people and a couple of dogs? Perhaps his friends might think he was having a party and didn’t invite them? Or his wife might think he was fucking one of the dogs. What if he was wearing a t-shirt that had “Bollock” written on it? Or a special shoe? Or shit trousers? Or a hat that made him look wank? Google certainly has a lot to answer for.

Meanwhile Neil C seems to have confused “terrorists” with “tourists”. An easy enough mistake to make after eight years of George Bush.

This worries me. This is a great way for terrorists to check out the target without actually going to the place.

Terrorists who are stalking a potential target will stand out like a saw thumb with their different clothes and their cameras and their different languages.

If my house is being cased by terrorsis I can see them from my CCTV cameras I hve around my property or when they trigger the alarms by walking on the trip wire.

yes another infringement of my personal liberties me thinks
Neil C, ENGLAND

I heard their religion forbids them from wearing normal-people clothes, even as a disguise. They’re only allowed to use oversized green cameras and they have to shout “Addis Ababa” every time they take a photo.

Thanks to Kate for the posts and Steve for teh lulz.

Marvelous. Now Al Quaeda can sit on a mountaintop with a laptop and plan their raids instead of having to scout the area and run the risk of discovery. Thanks Google, and thanks to all the naive people who believed government’s claim that more surveillance cameras would make them safer.
Scott W, Port Orchard, USA

If only the rest of you sheeple were a bit more like Scott. Instead of just believing everything you read in the papers, why not THINK about shit a bit harder. Then we could cut through the lies and fear-mongering to see the truth underneath: That evil Al Qaeda terrorists with glowing red eyes are sat up a mountain RIGHT NOW, using Google to find and destroy Batman’s secret lair.

Does this mean that ‘anyone’ can effectively stake out my house or the houses on a street? So, for example, if this works in anything like ‘realtime’, a criminal could ‘watch’ my house from his PC (as opposed to lurking about suspiciously), work out my usual routine and then plan his business accordingly. I can think of a lot of other reasons why this and Google Earth could be a very handy tool for certain unsavoury members of society!
Johnny PH, Leeds

I started off feeling a little bit sorry for Johnny and thought perhaps it was too easy to mock someone who doesn’t understand modern technology. Then I realised we’re not talking about someone who doesn’t understand the difference between a router and a hub, or someone who can’t distinguish between emails and webpages. This is someone who not only believes that Google has invented magic, invisible techno-eyes but also imagines that, faced with the chance to virtually visit anywhere in the world, people have decided they’d rather watch some cunt from Leeds going about his “routine”.

There is no privacy any more anywhere!!!

CC cameras are all over London thanks to IRA terrorists activities.

Spy satellites are preening every inch of earth’s surface & keeping an eye on each of us.

Immigration cameras are trying to look deep inside the human soul through pupil of the human eye.

Even US senator’s hand invades the privacy of the other person in an airport bathroom.

Now Google’s invisible eyes are looking in our bedrooms.

Here goes the privacy in the toilet.
Shahid Shahid, Chicago, United States

I heard Google Maps lets you look right inside children.

Thanks to Will. Lovely little comment this. Alright, his humour might go over the heads of some and he seems to think you can fight ignorance and prejudice with the online-opinion equivalent of tugging yourself off but, other than that, this is a rather good diagnosis.

Maybe I’m just wierd, but I like jargon, particularly catch-all terms like political correctness and social engineering. I use them all the time.

They are great because you can apply them to any situation – so much so that they have become meaningless. I no longer have to think before using them. It’s great.

Little Englander Xenophobe, HYS-BBC sponsored bastion of stupidity, ignorance, whinging and meaningless catch-alls

Recommended by 22 people

I like to imagine the other 21 all thought he really meant it.

Think of this as being a bit like an advert except that, unlike an advert, paying attention to it won’t make you 7.3% shitter and stupider.

While there’s 12,000 of you crackers turning up every day, get yourself over to Medialens (and subscribe to their “Alerts”) and maybe something vaguely useful will come out of this fucking website.

You can barely blame the poor fuckers on “Have Your Say” for not having a clue about anything, ever, when the spectrum of mainstream news ranges from The Daily Mail (“Mad Muslim Iranians Are Terrorists Who Eat Babies!!”) to The Guardian (“Iranians Are All Terrorists Who Eat Babies – an anonymous but well-spoken official claimed today”).

Fuck the corporate media. You know, unless they want to pay me some money or something. I’ll wipe my arse on a copy of Das Kapital for a fiver and start publicly fretting about Iran’s “nuclear ambitions” (or whatever the queasy fuck we’re supposed to be shitting ourselves about this week) for, um, about fifty quid. And I do kids’ parties.

I wonder if the BBC shouldn’t run some kind of opt-out scheme where celebrities can sign a form that reads “In the event of my untimely death, please, under no circumstances should the BBC invite everycunt to share their half-formed opinions of me (after googling me to work out who the fuck they think I was) or tell desperately tenuous stories about how they once took a photo of me while I was looking at a helmet in the Jorvik Viking Centre. Thanks”.

Thanks to Jon for finding this first one.

i think her organs should have been harvested
pym, usa

As usual, much of the thread is full of self-important teeth-gnashing masquerading as concern. There’s a surprising amount of giddy bumwank about ski helmets and the usual collection of cockends who’ve never heard of her and are angry that anyone else has.

I like this one. I’m not sure if it’s a message of condolence or simply a set of instructions on “how to ski”.

It looks like the UK is having its Sony Bono moment. These celebrity skiing deaths happen occasionally. Michael Kennedy had died a week before Bono. at the end of 1997. Skiing is dangerous: one is trying to balance on a slick surface, going down a steep slope–all while having to constantly shift one’s position in order to execute turns. A helmet might well have helped prevent the injury. It is important to bear in mind the one is likely to fall–and that the packed snow can be very hard.
Arthur Pomar, Milwaukee, WI, United States

But my favourite so far is this one from a chap who arrived late to the griefathon and, despite forgetting his P.E kit, gamely agreed to join the grieving in his underwear.

I have never heard of Natasha Richardson Before, but it seems many people have, and like them, I think that any death, particularly any death that results from such a minor incident, is indeed a tragedy.
steve