spEak You're bRanes

Delusions of Grandeur and Plain Weird13 Mar 2009 09:28 am

By Nelson

Thanks to Angel for finding this comment on a Times article about violence against women.

women are often as attractive and as beautiful as flowers(with brains) it is normal that they want to show the best of themselves through being sexy : it is the essence of feminity and real men like that .Those who dare hitting a woman are not well in their mind.Who would hit a flower
Didier, paris, France

I tried to explain that to my girlfriend once. She said I was a patronising cunt and then wept as she beat her tiny fists ineffectually against my manly chest.

90 Responses to “Flowers With Brains”

on 13 Mar 2009 at 9:45 am offensive_mango

Flowers with brains are scary! Has Didier not seen Little Shop of Horrors?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 10:03 am forrun

And ugly women are like… trees? Which are OK to fell and then chop up into little pieces and burn?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 10:03 am dirigible

Someone hasn’t seen “Day Of The Triffids” (I would say “read”, but…).
on 13 Mar 2009 at 10:05 am Rich (MMath)(Oxon)

So he thinks flowers are sexy? That’s a little creepy.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 10:10 am retro

Yeah, girl power is so 1990s. It’s all about flower power now.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 10:44 am Bit Special

God, I wish more men understood women the way Didier does. He seems to really appreciate the fact that my whole purpose in life is to look sexy for men and be all delicate and that. When I’m not, a spot of domestic violence or societal rejection puts me back on track, quicksmart. But to be honest, trying to be fully human or have a life outside looking attractive is so difficult and empty that I never stray far from vapidity. Or a bottle of Baby Bio.

Note: this post may contain unladylike sarcasm.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 10:54 am Felna

Glad to see that the new man is alive and well in paris…
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:09 am Michael Winner

@ Bit Special

Don’t worry your pretty little head about it love.

Didier’s too busy looking cool and snogging a waif-thin fashionista, (whose sole food daily food in take consists of a single espresso, five gauloise and the scent from a garlic and snail infused croissant,) behind your back to care – the cheese scoffing surrender monkey that he is.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:14 am fucko the clown

i’m off to fuck a tulip
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:16 am Bit Special

Fucko, admit it – you were going to do that anyway before you even saw Didier’s comment, weren’t you?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:21 am appropriate bovine

@ Michael Winner

Wardytron, is that you?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:33 am Kelvin

My daughter would find Didier’s comment very offensive. So it’s fortunate I never allowed her to learn how to read, on account of the risk of overheating her delicate female brainparts.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:45 am fucko the clown

there is a de-flowering joke in there somewhere
on 13 Mar 2009 at 12:16 pm Michael Winner

@ appropriate bovine

Je suis désolé mon ami, mais non. Je suis Didier et j’habite a Paris.

J’aime totalement les femmes, elles sont commes les fleurs jolies.

Ainsi – je suis hors de baiser une marguerite très jolie.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 12:25 pm jim

women are often as attractive and as beautiful as flowers- but not always.

the ones that aren’t deserve a good fucking hiding.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 12:27 pm Simon

Who would hit a flower?

I would. Fuck yeah! I kick the heads off dandelions just for a laugh. Cheeky bastards popping up between the yorkstones on the patio! Cost me a couple of grand that did. Taking fucking liberties that is.

Fucking hyacinths need bringing down a peg or two as well. You never know which way they’re looking. Staring at you with their beady gimlet eyes and acting all laadeedaa like they own the fucking place. They better stop following me around or they’ll get a fucking hiding. Caught one the other day – sitting there on a window sill trying to look all innocent like, but I know the bastard was trying to chat up the missus. Cheeky fucker looking at me all funny like – bastard needed teaching a lesson, I can tell you.

Them Daffodils are cunts as well.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 12:42 pm dirigible

Love me, loves me not, loves me, loves me not, hang on…
on 13 Mar 2009 at 12:46 pm Daley Mayle

Don’t get me started on cunting poppies, Simon – those fucking forrin bastards come over here, blighting our glorious English (not British) landscape with their sickening, gaudy, un-English hues and – AND! – they’re full of drugs, which they’re more than happy to share with anyone! Hitting flowers? The fuckers need HANGING, if you ask me.

(Unless they’re particularly sexy flowers, in which case we should just imprison them and use them as ‘comfort women’. The dirty botanical slags would love it, too…)
on 13 Mar 2009 at 12:59 pm Timmytucker Flowerfucker

My restraining order from Kew Gardens expires next week. I can’t wait to do a bit of green fingering.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 1:04 pm Bit Special

Aw, thanks Michael Winner. I can stop crying now and get back to my needlepoin… oooh! A kitten!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 1:37 pm sweavo

I’m off to paris to pluck me a daisy.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 2:44 pm daffo dillie

Daffodils are cunts as well.

Bollox. We is pussies. These
fuckers are the real cunts.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 3:35 pm Dr Feelgood

Anyone remember Pepé Le Pew?

I’m guessing Didier is shorter and smells worse.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 4:18 pm David san

Oh Christ on a fucking bike. The latest HYS topic is inviting people’s jokes for comic relief. Reactively moderated too.

http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/thread.jspa?sortBy=2&forumID=6201&edition=1&ttl=20090313155812&#paginator
on 13 Mar 2009 at 4:29 pm Dave

Since it’s Comic Relief Day and all that, just thought some of you might appreciate how the HYSers are coping when challenged to “say something funny.”

Miserable failures every one of them.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 4:38 pm Simon

Just for once, take a day off from the usual banal tripe.

Rupert Rigsby

Yeah Rupes! Fight the power!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:03 pm james

Q: How many HYSers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 51. 1 to change the lightbulb, 50 to blame Gordon Brown.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:37 pm Daley Mayle

Mmm, just looked at the HYS ‘comedy’ thread – it all seems to be fucktards harassing some poor (perfectly reasonable and sane) woman who made the mistake of saying how sad it was that nearly all the *jokes* are racist. You’re on HYS, love, what do you expect: razor-sharp wit and biting satire? Most of them still haven’t got over slavery being made illegal back at the start of the 19C.

Oh, and ‘david taylor, Southend’ is complaining about about there not being enough variety of racist jokes; he thinks it’s ‘hipocracy’ that there’s no Muslim racist jokes but plenty of Irish and Welsh ones. If Jesus existed, he’d weep. Haven’t we slagged off this blistered bison’s bell-end before (dt, I mean, not the ickle baby Jebus)?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:46 pm Bit Special

It’s truly heart-warming that all the HYSers are defending their right to spew unfunny racist cracks onto teh interwebnets as true English spirit and a fun way of unifying to fight the power. Or something. I gave up at page 2, when someone referred to the moderators as oppressors… there’s only so much I can take.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:58 pm Keef

Added: Friday, 13 March, 2009, 14:31 GMT 14:31 UK

An Illegal immigrant walked into a bar bar with a parot on his shoulder, the barman said;’Where did you get that?’
The parot said ‘Britain, it’s full of them!’

[JBBrighton], Brighton, United Kingdom

I bet this prick tells the same joke at least fifty times a day.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:39 pm fucko the clown

I wonder if comic relief ever was funny?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:43 pm Kelvin

I know I should write up some of the entries in that comedy thread. I know it would be shooting fish in a barrel. But even for HYS I find it uniquely depressing, that in a thread about using humour for the purpose of charity, all the HYStards can bang on about is their right to insult the nig-nogs. At least with the credit crunch jokes they were constrained by the topic to something that doesn’t naturally fall to the topic of Britain’s Ruination By The Immigrunts. Seeing what they get up to when they’re free to choose a topic… I didn’t think I could be any more of a misanthrope, and indeed this doesn’t make me more of one. It just makes me feel like I’ve failed because I can’t hate humanity as much as these people deserve to be hated.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:34 pm Bit Special

Poor Kelvin. Too much HYS can be very damaging to one’s mental health. Get your daughter to show you one of the many dances she’s been learning in order to one day snare a top-notch suitor (with your approval, obviously) – that should cheer you up.

PS Loving the woman whose *joke* was just ‘Gordon Brown’. It’s the predictability that really gets me down. Does the Daily Mail secretly operate like The Borg?
on 14 Mar 2009 at 2:44 am Icarus Smicarus

“PS Loving the woman whose *joke* was just ‘Gordon Brown’. It’s the predictability that really gets me down.”

And recommended by 167 people, no less.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 5:38 am FrodoSaves

“Who would hit a flower”

The same guy who would hit a woman.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 5:51 am Dave

The HYS comedy thread has gone from being reactively moderated to fully moderated.

Wonder why.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 10:19 am OhMyGosh

How sad to find so many racist comments on this HYS within seconds of visiting the site. And yet the real jokes are impossible to locate without wading through the offensive stuff.

Kathryn Rimmington, portsmouth

Quite delusional. I don’t support the self-serving publicity stunt that is Red Nose Day but the above comment is the most comical posting on the whole forum.

Anthony Karas

There’s not much you can say about this comment from Ant. Genuinely depressing.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 12:10 pm F'kinEll

the above comment is the most comical posting on the whole forum.

I think he’s referring to Kathryn’s surname.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 2:00 pm Not very Xtreme

Withnail Xtreme’s normal cynicism is overcome by a desire to say something nice about Comic Relief:

I would like to extend my best wishes to all who make tonight a special night, a night where forgotten miserable lives can be highlighted, and the forgotten people who suffer on a daily basis can benefit from the superb charity events courtesy of some fine caring people here in the UK.
…
All the very best for Comic Relief Night.

Withnail Xtreme, Camden Town

Sycophant! I’d have thought that someone with the anti-Government and counter-culture sensibilities of Withnail Xtreme would be able to see right through Comic Relief, neck-deep turdfest of pisspoor jokes and celebrity guilt-shifting that it is. I guess I’m not “Xtreme” enough.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 5:43 pm wringhim

All girl-flowers do is stand around all day waiting for other plants to spray their sexy pollen in their faces. Is this what the post is about?
on 14 Mar 2009 at 6:58 pm Funny Peculiar

COSMIC!

Constipated Oppressors Slowly Moderating Intelligent Comments!

Captain In-the-Dock, Lost ‘n’ Found in Britain

God-forsaken
Arsewit
Lacking
Any
Creative
Talent
Incessantly
Complaining?

What do you call a HYS moderator who is less into censorship than the Taliban.

A breath of fresh air.

Ben Essada, London, United Kingdom

Aint that the truth.

Graham Bishop, Warwickshire

It’s just like watching Brazil. (the film by Terry Gilliam about dystopian paranoia, I mean)

“I do not understand this comic relief. All the comedians taking part are multimillionaires, as are sports personalities, bankers etc. So why do they want ordinary hard up people to fork out hard earned cash so that a bunch of greedy lawyers can stuff it in their back pockets.”
Michael wilson, bidache, France

Ahhhh, now that’s funny!
on 14 Mar 2009 at 7:12 pm Funny Peculiar

Error-free triple blockquote! Get in!
on 15 Mar 2009 at 12:43 am Andrew

It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!
on 15 Mar 2009 at 2:44 am JoJo

It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!
on 15 Mar 2009 at 10:32 am Jack

It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!
on 15 Mar 2009 at 10:32 am Petra

It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!
on 15 Mar 2009 at 11:13 am Bob

“onto teh interwebnets”

Don’t ever say that again.
on 15 Mar 2009 at 1:24 pm Adam

It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!
on 15 Mar 2009 at 1:45 pm Oaf

I wasn’t too careful once.
on 15 Mar 2009 at 3:36 pm Rod Wrongnob

It may well go to show, but David Mitchell is still a fat cunt.
on 15 Mar 2009 at 5:30 pm Faye Simms

It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!
on 15 Mar 2009 at 10:56 pm Token Paki

Bah! Effete prick. Nothing like a good slap-up to keep a ho in line, innit.

Relax. I like jumping up and down over flowerbeds. I’m just a destructive bastard.

For more proof, look at Pakistan.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 8:53 am David Mitchell

Hello I’m David Mitchell. You might of seen me on every fucking programme on T.V. So I thought, what the hell I might as well appear on this website. HI!
on 16 Mar 2009 at 9:04 am Graham Norton

@David Mitchell

You ubiquitous cunt.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 9:15 am Horne & Corden

Fuck off Mitchell, you haughty cunt – you think you’re ubiquitous? Ha! You’re practically anonymous compared to how much exposure WE get. And you don’t even base your humour on fatness or implied homo-eroticism, which everyone knows are the funniest things in the world… which is why we’re every-fucking-where at the moment boring the living shit out of the British people with our supposed hilarity.

You’re a fucking amateur, mate. A fucking amateur.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 9:24 am Documentaries Commissioning Editor - Channel 5

All girl-flowers do is stand around all day waiting for other plants to spray their sexy pollen in their faces.

You’ve just given me an idea for a series – it’ll be ratings gold.

“When interspecies bukkake goes wrong!!!”

Didier – the Parisian lothario, explores the nature of the men and women who defy nature, (and the strictures of 21st century Judeao Christian morality,) by engaging in loving relationships with flora.

[Features scenes of a sexual nature which may cause offence to some viewers, but is scheduled to titillate sad blokes coming home from the pub. Features brief scenes of nudity and a single pixellated "money" shot.]

Someone get me David Mitchell’s agent. We’ve got a voiceover to record.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 10:51 am Robert Webb

Mitchell – you’re a fucking narcissist.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/mar/15/online-feedback-public-sector

And you can’t dance. Unlike me. I’m a dancing god. Fucking Lord of the fucking Dance! Bow before me and tremble you doughy little pudding of a comdey genius!

Go-on, admit it. The sight of me in that leotard disturbed you, didn’t it. You got a little chubby didn’t you?

You were fucking robbed on “Just a Minute” though. I’d have smacked Merton in the chops; the smug, silent-film-obsessed nomark that he is.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 11:36 am Throbbe

Horne and Corden – the new Little and Large, or not that funny? Discuss.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 11:44 am Discusser

Are “Little and Large” and “not that funny” mutually exclusive?
on 16 Mar 2009 at 12:42 pm Throbbe

Um, I meant “not as funny” really. *shame*
on 16 Mar 2009 at 12:52 pm Comrade509

Hi!

I’m a lefty twat too and I think all French people who speak out against domestic violence are like shite innit?

Let’s all go and vote labour cos they is the best, yeh?
on 16 Mar 2009 at 12:53 pm Mitchell Drimmer

I would never eat a flower but I do eat parsley.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 1:21 pm Carbon Neutral

I thought I was the only person in the world who thinks Corden is a cunt. Fucking hate the way he giggles at other people and claims to be bewildered at being famous and popular. Cunt.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 1:45 pm Webber

It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!
on 16 Mar 2009 at 2:02 pm Funny Peculiar

First they came for the smokers
I did not speak out as I was not a smoker
Then they came for the drinkers
I did not speak out as I was not a drinker
Then they came for the “junk food” eaters
I did not speak out as I was not a “junk food” eater
Then they came for the motorists
I did not speak out as I was not a motorist
Then they came for me
And there was no one left to speak out for me

Anon
Recommended by 323 people

323 people who really should be come for.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 2:23 pm Carbon Neutral

Anon would seem to lead a particularly dull life. I suspect he was quietly pleased when someone came for him….
on 16 Mar 2009 at 3:09 pm dirigible

I come for no HYSer.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 3:10 pm DA PC BRIGADE

Then they came for the bellends, and I did not speak out as I was not a- oh, hang on…
on 16 Mar 2009 at 3:24 pm James

So what’s the conclusion? Can I or can I not smash my auntie’s face in with a begonia? Make your mind up, Didier – all I ask for is some clarity.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 3:26 pm Black Lesbian In A WheelChair

Funny Peculiar – make that 324 by adding Corden. He needs to be ‘come for’ until he gets that wobbling his gut and pretending to be ‘a bit’ gay is not. Fucking. Funny.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 6:29 pm wringhim

Hello I’m David Mitchell. You might of seen me on every fucking programme on T.V. So I thought, what the hell I might as well appear on this website. HI!

Oi! The real David Mitchell would never have written “of” instead of “have”. He went to Cambridge, you know.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 8:38 pm Simon

He went to Cambridge, you know.

He should have gone to a proper University then shouldn’t he? Not some Fenland Poly.

They clearly don’t learn ‘em proper to construct good English sentences, like. Innit.

He needs to get himself out there and learn some proper life-skills – like twocking, knifecriming and the mad skillz and that.

He won’t get far in life misplacing his “haves.” You mark my words.

Back on topic. Have we established whether it’s acceptable to thrash a geranium with one’s wife yet? Can anyone clarify the correct protocol? Is it frightfully infra dig?
on 16 Mar 2009 at 9:24 pm millie

I agree with Didier, women are like flowers. You can buy them in bunches, you can also buy them singly. But you must never, ever hit them.

Triée.
on 17 Mar 2009 at 12:14 am Seamie

It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!
on 17 Mar 2009 at 8:18 am Eddie Izzard

Women are like flowers, yes.

Covered in bees!
on 17 Mar 2009 at 10:23 am millie

or aphids!
on 17 Mar 2009 at 1:28 pm Charles Exford, Oxton

They came for Dani Behr.
I said “she’s over there, behind the wardrobe”
on 17 Mar 2009 at 6:50 pm Joseph Fritzel

What’s all this bollocks about women being like flowers? I prefer to treat them like fine wine.
on 17 Mar 2009 at 7:02 pm Bitch Special

I’ve met David Mitchell – splendid chap, truly splendid!
on 17 Mar 2009 at 8:44 pm Oaf

Can someone show me the way to the post office?
on 17 Mar 2009 at 11:11 pm Daley Mayle

Dear Joseph – perhaps a little joke would lighten your mood at this stressful time in your life:

Why do Austrians enjoy going to raves? Because they all love a little underground house.

I thank you.
on 18 Mar 2009 at 8:23 am bob

Has nelson gone on his hols, I want some more reactionary bile to brighten my day up.
on 18 Mar 2009 at 9:17 am Simon

Fair enough Bob. You’re a cunt!

(Is this bilious enough or would you like me to add that you’re also a charver bell-end.)

Glad to be of service, you dripping tapir’s flange.
on 18 Mar 2009 at 10:01 am millie

Or perhaps taunt you with the threat of excrement up your nose?
on 18 Mar 2009 at 10:05 am Nelson

Had a weekend away. Overdid it somewhat. Now slightly ill and recovering.
on 18 Mar 2009 at 12:51 pm swiss tony

Treating women as flowers, is very much like making love to a beautiful wom…hang on, no it’s stupid.

As you were.
on 18 Mar 2009 at 2:15 pm Blah

From the David Mitchell comments:

“Oh look, darling, I’ve just written ‘It just goes to show you can’t be too careful!’ on CiF! Gosh, I feel like I’m a part of something bigger now, even though I’m very middle class and don’t really ‘get’ this internet meme thing, because it’s David Mitchell it must be OK.
Golly, it doesn’t even matter that it isn’t very funny and with every repetition it gets even more mediocre, but look at all those other people posting the same thing. We’re brothers and sisters of the internet! I wonder if this means David will be my friend on Facebook now?”

Ahh that made me laugh.
on 19 Mar 2009 at 10:03 am Jaimexico

That made you laugh? Really? Fuck, I wish you were my friend, then maybe I’d feel better about my shit jokes.
on 19 Mar 2009 at 10:07 am jpr

As a tranny, I wonder where I fit into Didier’s sceme of things? A plastic, artificial flower, perhaps.

Still, ‘real men’ like it when I project an ‘essence of femininity’. It’s the kick in the bollocks they push their luck that puts them off.
on 19 Mar 2009 at 10:08 am jpr

Bits of that last post don’t make any sense at all. Sorry. I’ll go and do some needlework or something and leave the internet to real men.

"If you love Syria so much..
why don't you go live there?"

90 Responses to “Flowers With Brains”

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spEak You're bRanes

"If you love Syria so much.. why don't you go live there?"

90 Responses to “Flowers With Brains”

About

Search

Contributors

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"If you love Syria so much..
why don't you go live there?"