Let me think, so far we have had a war on drugs [FAIL], then terror [FAIL] (all pretend wars of course, although they can still be admired for their artistic value, just like fart enthusiasts might while perusing around the Tate sipping fizzy piss), so therefore I believe the next war should be on lightning, or ghosts?

But, watching the Oxo ads as a kid, it always struck me that her gravy was wrought forth into existence with fairly mucky sexual undercurrents. She had a certain dirty mischievous twinkle in her eye.

Fair point.

But she wasn’t even in the same league as the Shake’n'Vac woman – now she *was* a horny bitch!!!

Or maybe you’re making some oh-so-clever reference to having an ‘Empty House’ due to all the terrrrist-peado-muslim-lieberal-Guardian readers coming over here and taking all your jobs?

Do Linda Bellinghams fishents have more holes in them than the average fishnets then?

Depends on whether they’re small, medium or large.

One thing I do know though is that if they’re on a fat American bird the holes per sq. metre will be larger.

Do Linda Bellinghams fishents have more holes in them than the average fishnets then?

I have to be honest and say that it’s pretty unlikely. And what’s more, I have no evidence that she wears – or has ever worn – them. But, watching the Oxo ads as a kid, it always struck me that her gravy was wrought forth into existence with fairly mucky sexual undercurrents. She had a certain dirty mischievous twinkle in her eye. And there are times in a man’s life that, when searching for metaphors, similes or analogues, imagery with sweaty, subtly depraved wrongness are the only ones that will do.