spEak You're bRanes

Grief Athletes26 Mar 2009 09:44 am

By Nelson

Found on the Daily Mail site. Too easy, Ian, way too easy.

This is truly saddening.
I propose that – to commemorate Jade Goody, her inspirational life and her brave battle with cancer – we rename Mothers Day to “Jade Goody Remembrance day” so that she will never be forgotten, and so that she may serve as an inspiration to future generations in the fight against cancer.
My daughter recently discovered she had breast cancer because of Jade Goody. I know she must be looking down upon us now. and to her I say thank you, Jade, from the depths of my heart.
Jason McDonald, Reading

My mate Steve suggested naming a cancer after her. Then she’d be remembered forever in phrases such as “I’m afraid your fanny is riddled with Goody” or “I’m sorry to inform you that you have malignant Goody in your nutsack. Very malignant indeed. You’ve got about 2 weeks and, frankly, I’d be surprised if it didn’t take out a few innocent bystanders as well”.

68 Responses to “Remembrance”

on 26 Mar 2009 at 9:47 am john Adair's Gerbil

If my daughter found out she had cancer because of Jade Goody, I’d be campaigning for all Jade Goodys to be clearly labelled with “Warning: Jade Goodying can cause cancer.”
on 26 Mar 2009 at 9:49 am Ed

TOO SOON, the reality TV schedule is still trying to recover you insensitive bastard.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 10:02 am mackten

No, sorry – this has to be tongue-in-cheek. It has got Brass Eye written all over it.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 10:03 am arsebanana

How did Jade give Jason McDonald’s daughter cancer exactly?
on 26 Mar 2009 at 10:14 am samuel johnson

Another day and another corner of the universe is whittering on about that bloody girl.

Move on people. You all seem bewitched.

Or do I have to start casting out demons? I can you know.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 10:35 am pigfrottage

Blah Jade blah clown
on 26 Mar 2009 at 10:51 am BifidusDigestivum

It had to happen…JG=PD.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1164579/ALLISON-PEARSON-Jade-Goody-Princess-Diana-common.html

The only parallel I can draw is that they both instil in me the unnerving desire for a necrohatefuck.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 10:59 am millie

I think they both had the same number of GCSEs.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 11:02 am upset

I found it fairly inspirational when she refered to Shilpa as a ‘stinky poppadom’ – is this her inerring honesty that people refer to

Perhaps this inate sense of truth about ‘forrin’ people is why she is the Mail’s new darling
Does this mean we will get frequent commemorative Daily Express issues too?
on 26 Mar 2009 at 11:05 am millie

@ Allison Pearson

They made people happy and excited, which may not be a degree course, but is a talent nonetheless.

And one that can earn you a lot of money.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 11:23 am 773 (metric)

The senseless outrage in the comments on that article comparing JD to PD is beautiful.

Absolutely no comparison whatsoever, the only thing they had in common was their two sons.

Wait, what?? Jade Goody was the mother of Prince Harry and Prince William? Or is Jack Tweed their father? Did Diana posthumously give birth to Bobby and Freddie?? Did Jade inject herself with Diana’s frozen eggs? WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON
on 26 Mar 2009 at 11:24 am thinking mans thinker

Some on HYS has a better idea (from the current HYS on airing abortion advice on tv):

..after watershed should be graphic depictions showing the effects of STDs and also which ones can be passed even with condom use – also stress that most cervical cancer is caused by a virus spread by sex and use the example of Jade (with her families consent) of the results
john davis, Motherwell, United Kingdom

Forever associate Jade Goody with STDs, how could her family not go along with that?
on 26 Mar 2009 at 11:27 am wringhim

How did Jade ever make people happy? By allowing them to laugh at her and feel smug and superior? Just like Allison Pearson, then. Also, thanks Ms Pearson for reminding me that Jade’s mother spells her name Jackiey. Maybe if our home secretary used that spelling she would be more popular and not inspire this sort of thing.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 11:30 am MrFlabulous

Re: abortion advice. Peep dis, mi homies

Don’t you just love our society? You can advertise abortions and condoms before the 9 o’clock watershed, but not crisps.

Joanna Jones, Twickenham

CRISPS!!!! ARGH!!!!! BAN THE FILTH!!!!!!

57 recommendations as well. Nice one Joanna.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 11:37 am Incontinentia

What if Walkers brought out abortions ‘n’ condoms flavoured crisps? That would create a dilemma for the wishy-washy PC liberal brigade.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 11:39 am The Gnome Secretary

It’s probably satirical, but who cares? Either way it’s fucking funny.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 11:41 am millie

after watershed should be graphic depictions showing the effects of STDs

The current advert is more that creepy enough. That and some of the pictures on fag packets are enough to give you nightmares. Oh, and that one on strokes…
Urghgh, methinks I’ll go pick some flowers now.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 11:57 am MrFlabulous

@Gnome
I daresay it was, but the 57 people recommending it probably don’t see it that way.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 12:07 pm Clovis Sangrail

“Jade Goody Remembrance Day”? Is all our HYS joy to be destroyed by SYBers going to the BBC site and seeing what they can get published? I’m tempted to call fake on the “(with consent of her family)” too – it’s almost too perfect and subtle.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 12:13 pm millie

Forget picking flowers, watching this
is a much better antidote.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 12:27 pm NickDunmore

[blockquote]How did Jade give Jason McDonald’s daughter cancer exactly?[/blockquote]

She is Doctor Manhattan
on 26 Mar 2009 at 1:14 pm gdogg

OMG!! Jade is dr Manhattan? and she’s gone to live on Mars now, when our world is about to be destroyed by knife crimers and asylum-seeker-paedos?
Selfish bitch
on 26 Mar 2009 at 1:23 pm MrFlabulous

@ millie

My brain has just dribbled out of my nose. Excellent find.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 1:58 pm 6000

Sorry – bit late into this one: Jade Goody stroked this guy’s daughter and gave her cancer and now they want to name Princess Di’s STD catalogue after her?
on 26 Mar 2009 at 2:24 pm burnel

They’ll probably put a fucking statue of her in Trafalgar square.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 2:26 pm Dr Shade

So many things wrong with your article about Princess Di and Jade its actually quite offensive.
‘Did Jackiey cry because she knew in her heart that the wrong woman was dead?’ HOW CAN THEIR BE SUCH A THING AS THE RIGHT WOMEN TO DIE?

- Leah abbbie fraser, bilston

Well, off the top of my head…

Margaret Thatcher
Polly Toynbee
Jacqui Ubersturmbahnfuhrer Smith

When was Princess Di ever a foul mouthed racist?

- DaveP, Liverpool

How do you know she never screamed out “Fuck me up the ringpiece Dodi, you big Paki bastard!!!” in the throes of passion DaveP?
on 26 Mar 2009 at 2:49 pm Bloody Pedant

That Daily Mail piece was a goldmine.
But I think my favourite comment was –

In the classic words of John MacEnro “You have to be joking”
on 26 Mar 2009 at 2:59 pm Philbert

In the classic words of John MacEnro “You have to be joking”

As Victor Meldrew would say, “I’m having difficulty believing this”.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 3:00 pm Nelson

Well, off the top of my head…

That’s a good point. People often trot out phrases like “I wouldn’t wish that on anybody” without really thinking about it. There are people you have to make exceptions for. Melanie Phillips springs to mind.

In fact I’d like to propose an alteration to that phrase. If we all use it enough, it should become commonly accepted. e.g.

Jane: Did you hear about that poor woman? An enraged lion ripped both of her tits off, and then a crow flew away with them.
John: Fucking hell. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone except Melanie Phillips.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 3:18 pm Rotwatcher

While in no way wishing to disagree with our beloved leader Nelson, I think that the utterly repellent Phillips will have a three-way fight with Hazel Blears and Janet Street Porter for top spot. It would be a mistake to confine this to objectionable wimmins, too. Let’s include Chris Moyles, Clarkson, A A Gill and a few other choice wankstains. They could all be called upon in rotation so that none became sad at being ignored.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 3:22 pm millie

I wouldn’t mind seeing Ubersturmbahnfuhrer Doktor (not) McKeith dunked in a huge tub of shit.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 3:28 pm millie

Definitely Clarkson. And Dawn Primarolo.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 3:33 pm Vicky

@wringhim
So I don’t have to read that, what the bloody hell was it and why was it so pink?
on 26 Mar 2009 at 4:06 pm Bloody Pedant

It made my head hurt, and not because of the pink.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 4:26 pm MrFlabulous

“Does God have a role in the world today”

Look who it is…

You’d have thought Dr. Williams would have learnt not to interfere in current affairs by now – but here is again, pontificating about what awful people we all are.

Personally I choose not to pay too much heed to the opinions of a man who prays to thin air before bed.

I suppose this must just be the latest initiative to swell the ranks of the church and hence garner some more income from the ignorant masses – indeed it would seem even God can’t protect the church from the credit crunch.

Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

I wonder what dear ol’ Topsy thinks the role of the Archbishop of Canters actually is… The worry I have is that he’s declared himself an atheist which means I have something in common with him. Argh!

…but what the hell has the credit crunch got to do with this and do bums on pews = £££? Eh? What? I think I’ve gone a bit mental, sorry. I’m going to go and lie down for a bit.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 4:26 pm millie

@ Vicky

It seems to be written by someone with mental health issues, trying to avoid deportation.

Not sure about the pink – perhaps to compliment the flashing header and the panting dog?
on 26 Mar 2009 at 4:51 pm Dr Shade

I’m a Christian but I’m also a climate change sceptic. Until someone tells me where in the Bible it says that climate change exists AND is man-made I’ll retain that position.
Sam Pepper, London, England

I like his logic, but until someone tells me where in the Bible it says that the internet and HYS exists I’ll retain the position that they don’t and so this post is a conceptual paradox.

But what a strange world Sam Pepper must live in if he refuses to believe in the existence of anything not specifically referred to in the Bible…
on 26 Mar 2009 at 5:04 pm fucko the clown

see, I Promised not to mention the subject again, and what does Nelson go and do!

honestly.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 5:23 pm pigfrottage

I’m a Christian too. We are not all hamster helmets.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 6:22 pm Bit Special

‘Fuck’s sake, if Topsy really is an Atheist then I’m going to take RichardDawkins.net and Pharyngula off my toolbar and go become one of those Deep South snake-handling God-tards. Although the very existence of Topsy surely proves once and for all that there can be no benign deity at work in the universe. The Devil, possibly, yes.

Nelson – we lady-SYBers (‘SheYBers?)are way ahead of your mate Steve: we’ve been calling smear tests ‘Goody Looks’ for ages now (remember?). If I could be arsed to find the comments, I’d post a link.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 7:58 pm pigfrottage

Bit Special

Just becasue you are an atheist does not mean you are as daft and stupid as Topsy. I’m a Christian, and I think Pharyngula is cool. This is classic:

scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2009/02/how_to_respond_to_requests_to.php
on 26 Mar 2009 at 8:02 pm Wonderboy

Jade Goody dead!? I wonder were Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke-Taylor at the funeral…or the giant cat.
on 26 Mar 2009 at 8:31 pm Bit Special

Cheers for the link, Pigfrottage. Although I think that if Topsy IS a non-believer, it’ll not be because he finds the existence of a deity illogical but because God disgusts him with his namby-pamby, loony-lefty, political-correctness-gone-mad policies like ‘Love Thy Neighbour’, etc. Also because Jesus was a Jew.
on 27 Mar 2009 at 12:55 am The Gnome Secretary

Oi oi! The police are encouraging people to check their neighbour’s wheelie-bins!

Remember: careless wheelie-bin-placement costs lives!

Topsy-Turvy isn’t an atheist, he’s a solipsist, and a cunt.
on 27 Mar 2009 at 8:51 am millie

‘Fuck’s sake, if Topsy really is an Atheist then I’m going to take RichardDawkins.net and Pharyngula off my toolbar and go become one of those Deep South snake-handling God-tards.

If you do let me know. Just googled ‘snake-handling God-tards’ but there are none as yet in the UK.

Sounds a lot more fun than knocking on doors trying to get the heathens interested in Jehova.
on 27 Mar 2009 at 8:58 am Albert Muffpie

I was thinking about Jade’s legacy. Perhaps the best thing to remember her by would be to sell the vaccine in sweets – after all, who eats sweets the most? Kids, that’s who. Kids who need to bulk up their sexual defences before little Tommy Jones rips it to shreds.

I think we should call them “Goody Gumdrops”.
on 27 Mar 2009 at 10:23 am Black Lesbian In A WheelChair

Did you think up ‘Goody Gumdrops’ and then build a joke around it? C’mon, you can admit here; we won’t judge you (too harshly).
on 27 Mar 2009 at 12:23 pm Albert Muffpie

Yes. Yes I did. AND IT’S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

OK, it was terrible. I admit it. But at least I tried, rather than just rehashing part of the “if I’m right” joke.
on 27 Mar 2009 at 1:36 pm Idiot Filter

Jade’s dead? When the f*ck did that happen? Was she in the car with Princess Di?
on 27 Mar 2009 at 8:43 pm The Holey Spirit

Reference all ye god fearing folks; being that I gave up believing in the simple fluffed up ideologies of ages old at around the age my brain developed the ability to question what it was fed, I’d be interested to know if anyone of you find that jesus fellow, because you really do not know how much I’d like to force feed him a scolding hot burrito.

Oh, I do believe you dropped your helmet and what’s this? It appears to be fashioned entirely from petrified hamsters!
on 27 Mar 2009 at 10:02 pm Black Lesbian In A WheelChair

Erm, I don’t think he was referring to headgear…

(Dear Albert: don’t worry, we’ve all done it. If I’m right*…)

*See what I did there? Genius.
on 28 Mar 2009 at 11:56 am Owen

Stephen Fry belongs here, don’t deny it.

“Princess Di from the wrong side of the tracks”? It’s perfect. The singularity of Grief Athletics.
on 28 Mar 2009 at 1:05 pm Chardy Nonnai

When people want to trash Jade they usually bring up her racist bullying rather than the incident where she went out into the Big Brother garden and stuck a wine bottle in her vag. In fact no mention of this incident is made on the Di vs Jade comment thread at all. Most confusing.
on 28 Mar 2009 at 2:06 pm Coffeebucks

@ Chardy Nonnai

The wine-bottle-fanny incident was not Jade, unfortunately – it was another fame-hungry social retard a few years after her. (Hoe do I know this? I hate myself)

Shagging a glass bottle is a good way to get your cervix into a similar state to Jade’s, I presume.
on 28 Mar 2009 at 6:39 pm Red Andy

Interestingly, over in the States this weekend there is a NASCAR race going on, sponsored by a product called “Goody’s Fast Pain Relief.”

Coincidence, or opportunistic renaming?
on 29 Mar 2009 at 1:34 am hugo chav

http://www.letter2jacquismith.com/

dear lord what IS this
on 29 Mar 2009 at 4:57 pm Nurse Millie

Shagging a glass bottle is a good way to get your cervix into a similar state to Jade’s, I presume.

Not if you take precautions.
on 29 Mar 2009 at 10:12 pm incurable hippie

She had breast cancer because of Jade Goody? He’s a very forgiving father.
on 30 Mar 2009 at 11:02 am George

[quote]As Victor Meldrew would say, “I’m having difficulty believing this”.[/quote]

In the words of Sir Alan Sugar, “You’re no longer working for me”.
on 30 Mar 2009 at 11:19 am DJ_Nicol

[quote]While in no way wishing to disagree with our beloved leader Nelson, I think that the utterly repellent Phillips will have a three-way fight with Hazel Blears and Janet Street Porter for top spot. It would be a mistake to confine this to objectionable wimmins, too. Let’s include Chris Moyles, Clarkson, A A Gill and a few other choice wankstains. They could all be called upon in rotation so that none became sad at being ignored.[/quote]

this is what i like to call a “2 bullet teaser”
on 30 Mar 2009 at 11:35 am pigfrottage

In the words of Darth Vader “I find your atheism disturbing”
on 31 Mar 2009 at 8:02 am Albert Muffpie

Or the Fast Show:

“Looks good on you, sir!”
“That seat is being occupied by someone else. Apologies.”
“I’m sad to say that I don’t remember a thing; the alcohol made me pass out.”
on 31 Mar 2009 at 9:37 am millie

Don’t forget:

I have said something stupid and will grab my overgarment and leave now.
on 31 Mar 2009 at 7:38 pm pigfrottage

Vic Reeves “you consistently refused to let it rest horizontally”
on 31 Mar 2009 at 7:42 pm pigfrottage

Might I enquire what is on the point of the branch Victor?
on 01 Apr 2009 at 9:47 am Beggarman Joe

Jade Goody has inspired me to start smoking. I can act like a feckless twat my entire life and, as long as I get cancer, everyone will love me for it.
on 01 Apr 2009 at 4:09 pm Halfpak

Just goes to show you can’t be too careful.
on 01 Apr 2009 at 7:57 pm The Holey Spirit

@Black Lesbian In A WheelChair

Erm, If I am wrong I shall eat my headgear.

ps: I once had a cat called Albert, he who infact as it turns out we later found out to be a she, is now dead. I have managed to fashion her petrified corpse into a soft comfortable yet lightweight helmet, offering very little protection to human head but it sure is eye-catching. My gift to you.

"If you love Syria so much..
why don't you go live there?"

68 Responses to “Remembrance”

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spEak You're bRanes

"If you love Syria so much.. why don't you go live there?"

68 Responses to “Remembrance”

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"If you love Syria so much..
why don't you go live there?"