Armchair Generals and Delusions of Grandeur and Permanently Bewildered and Self-appointed Sages30 Mar 2009 10:13 am

Experts

By Nelson

Thanks to Madhura.

“Did you switch off your lights?” (for “Earth Hour”).

You ever noticed that the people who want us to make-do-and-mend, put a brick in the toilet cistern, and save electricity are the same generation who grew up with rationing etc?
My theory is that they hit middle age, started pining for the “Good Old Days” of their youth, and became determined to make the rest of us share the experience, whether we want to or not!
the_historian, Stirling, UK

Well, my historian friend, you’re probably a little too young to remember when Claudius invaded but people pining for the “Good Old Days” of Roman occupation was actually one of the primary causes of WWII. And if you think the WWII lot are bad now they’ve reached middle-age, just wait until that “free love and flower power” bunch hit forty in 2025.

Madhura found this next one in “Has Obama got his Afghan strategy right?“. I’m a little worried that we, as a nation, allow minds this bright to be wasted on “Have Your Say”. I just hope that the Top General From The Army is reading this!

It works best if you imagine it as a voiceover at the start of an episode, doing the “Previously in Afghanistan…” summary.

Obama is worried that the ppl of SWAT valley support the taliban and the pak govt suports limited autonomy of taliban. outwardly zardari hates the taliban to please USA but inwardly he tolerates them. this is a dangerous game. The taliban are unworried by this, if they are killed in any mumber they are martyrs. US/UK troops describe taliban soldiers as not afraid of DEATH at all. So unless pakistan is ocupied fully or partially by USA Obama will not succeed.
ALLAM, Luton

And for a fun challenge, see how many times you have to read it before you can keep a straight face through the bit that goes “this is a dangerous game”.

52 Responses to “Experts”

  1. on 30 Mar 2009 at 10:46 am   Felna

    Nope, it’s no good, read it through twenty times now and still crack up at the dangerous game bit!

  2. on 30 Mar 2009 at 10:52 am   Silent majority

    Scrabble would be safer.

  3. on 30 Mar 2009 at 11:32 am   pigfrottage

    Juggling red hot scissors whilst running is a very dangerous game. Remember that the wars have NOTHING WHATSOVER to do with oil or gas pipelines, which is why we have invaded Zimbabwe, Rwanda and Sudan.

    Hold on…

  4. on 30 Mar 2009 at 11:53 am   Dr Feelgood

    Will Hamid learn that Masood has been seeing Obama secretly?

    Will Osama’s minions overcome their fear of SPIDERS?

    Will Benson be able to book Blackwater for security at the wedding?

    Confused? You won’t be, after this week’s episode of…The War Against Terror.

    Dodoodoo dadoo doodoo dada…

  5. on 30 Mar 2009 at 11:59 am   Garry

    It’s “not afraid of DEATH at all” that’s cracking me up.

  6. on 30 Mar 2009 at 12:01 pm   humphrey

    Dangerous all right,someone might out their eye out.

  7. on 30 Mar 2009 at 12:04 pm   Scaryduck

    Earth Hour was RUBBISH.

    After 20 minutes of stumbling around in the dark, I was forced to set fire to a pile of old tyres so I could see what I was doing.

  8. on 30 Mar 2009 at 12:33 pm   Manly J. Panda

    Yeah, fucking Earth, wanting an hour all to it’s fucking self.

    Answer me this, liberal media, if we turn out all the lights, how will the last indigenous panda to leave England (not Sichuan) turn out the lights?

    It’s a conspiracy, dreamed up by the KGB, zaNu Labour and the moderators on HYS.

  9. on 30 Mar 2009 at 12:48 pm   arsebanana

    Whenever I pine for “the Good Old Days” I sing a chorus of “Down at the old bull and bush” and then I remember just how shit that programme was.

  10. on 30 Mar 2009 at 12:56 pm   A Middle Age Cockney Writes

    I’m nostalgic for the good old days of rationing, London smog, my Rickets, being beaten to within an inch of my life by my drunken pa.

    The times we had. Sigh.

  11. on 30 Mar 2009 at 1:26 pm   Anonymous

    If you look past Allam’s poor spelling and grammar, everything up until “This is a dangerous game” is accurate.

    The Taliban are in control of the Swat Valley and signed a deal last month with Zardari to impose Sharia Law there, after two years of fighting since they last imposed Sharia Law in the region.

    Zardari does sympathise, to a degree, with the Taliban else he wouldn’t let them enforce their interpretation of Sharia Law in the Swat Valley, which has drawn fierce criticism from the UN for it’s Human rights violations.

    I don’t think Allam’s post displays the level of poor insight that a normal HYS member would display. Really you’re just using poor logic to ridicule his claim, you’re just as guilty of being ill-informed and outraged as you claim the members of HYS are.

  12. on 30 Mar 2009 at 1:43 pm   Mr Cat

    If blah look past blah’s blah spelling and grammar, blah up until “blah is a dangerous blah” is blah.

    The blah are in control of blah blah Valley and signed a blah last blah with blah to impose blah Law there, after blah years of blahin since they last imposed blah Law in the blah.

    blah does sympathise, to a blah, with the blah else he wouldn’t let them blah their interpretation of blah Law in the blah Valley, which has drawn blah blah from the blah for it’s blah blah violations.

    I don’t think blah’s post displays the level of poor blah that a normal HYS blah would blah. Really you’re just using poor blah to ridicule his blah, you’re just as blah of being blah-informed and blahed as you claim the blahs of HYS are.

    Just out of interest is anyone here actually debating military or political strategies in the middle east?

    Thought not.

  13. on 30 Mar 2009 at 1:52 pm   Anonymous

    Just realised I put an apostrophe in “it’s” when it should have been “its”. I also meant to say “you’re using poor logic when you ridicule his claim”.

  14. on 30 Mar 2009 at 1:59 pm   Silent majority

    Hungry Hungry Hippos meanwhile could be dangerous. Choking hazards and shit.

  15. on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:02 pm   anonymous

    “Just out of interest is anyone here actually debating military or political strategies in the middle east?

    Thought not.”

    Neither was I, in fact if you read my post it doesn’t discuss any military or political strategy, I wanted to point out that it’s not funny when you take a reasonable well-informed comment, albeit with a ridiculous conclusion, and then ridicule it with pointless commentary. It’s just not funny. Like your attempt at humour by replacing words in my comment with “blah”.

  16. on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:14 pm   Vicky

    “albeit with a ridiculous conclusion”

    Welcome to the site, I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it in a few weeks.

  17. on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:20 pm   pigfrottage

    Roll on the credit crunch/Jacqui smith threads for more not funny stuff. Or not.

    At least we’re not cynical or anything.

  18. on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:23 pm   Anonnamoose

    I think “Anonymous” is confusing this satirical site with a serious one. Feel free to piss off to HYS for that ;-)

  19. on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:26 pm   tlumacz

    More catchphrase plz

  20. on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:33 pm   Manly J. Panda

    The problem with the Jaqui Smith thing is that she’ll probably resign and we’ll get someone that is probably as evil but much smarter.

    Then we’ll really be fucked.

  21. on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:39 pm   dirigible

    I don’t think Allam’s post displays the level of poor insight that a normal HYS member would display.

    It displays the standard Guardianista “oh God pleeease can the big strong swarthy bearded men pleeeaassseee just come and take the country now oh God yes!” narrative. So as insight it’s a bit like the opposite of pointing out that foreigners are bad.

    But regardless of where you stand on the “insight”, the SILLY capitalisation and mellllodraamaaatic emphasis are funny.

    NOW get baaaaaack to crooked timber.

  22. on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:42 pm   wringhim

    Over 50s are most concerned about global warming but also have the highest carbon footprint. Bastards.

  23. on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:47 pm   Rotwatcher

    @Anonymous

    Neither was I, in fact if you read my post it doesn’t discuss any military or political strategy, I wanted to point out that it’s not funny when you take a reasonable well-informed comment, albeit with a ridiculous conclusion, and then ridicule it with pointless commentary. It’s just not funny

    It’s not WHAT Allam said, it’s WHERE he (or she) said it. Read the charter. By the way, how do you know it’s a “reasonable well-informed comment”? Are you an expert or something?

  24. on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:58 pm   pigfrottage

    The problem with the Jaqui Smith thing is that she’ll probably resign and we’ll get someone that is probably as evil but much smarter.

    Then we’ll really be fucked.

    You could argue we are already. Fun watching her squirm though. I think the majority of the JS comments are thinly disguised envy, as they want the taxpayer to pay for their porn too.

  25. on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:59 pm   pigfrottage

    or something funny. Sorry.

  26. on 30 Mar 2009 at 3:00 pm   Anonymous

    “Welcome to the site, I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it in a few weeks.”
    and
    “I think “Anonymous” is confusing this satirical site with a serious one. Feel free to piss off to HYS for that”

    I’ve read this blog for a long time, I really like it, but this entry was rubbish, because most of what Allam was sensible, until the end, I felt it warranted a smarter reply than simply ridiculing it.

    “It displays the standard Guardianista”
    In what way? Allam said that the US should occupy Pakistan.

    “the SILLY capitalisation”
    Last time I checked HYS was an abbreviation, silly is not.

    “mellllodraamaaatic emphasis are funny.”
    I see what you did there.

    “how do you know it’s a “reasonable well-informed comment”? Are you an expert or something?”
    What do I need to be an expert in and why would I have to be an expert in it? It was a reasonably well informed comment, he displayed a level of knowledge with regards to the middle east that was accurate.

  27. on 30 Mar 2009 at 3:03 pm   Nelson

    You’re brill at arguing.

  28. on 30 Mar 2009 at 3:10 pm   Anonymous

    Look, I really like this blog, I just wanted to voice my opinion on its content. Instead of trying to ridicule me why don’t you explain why you think the entry on Allam is funny? Then that would be the end of it.

    This blog is a satirical blog, yes, but this particular entry wasn’t.

  29. on 30 Mar 2009 at 3:12 pm   Clovis Sangrail

    Anonymous, stop spoiling our fun. You are probably right, but this site is the equivalent of a bunch of 8 year old kids high on tizer and smarties running around and shouting ‘bum’ And it’s great. Even if F the C makes us cry sometimes

  30. on 30 Mar 2009 at 3:13 pm   Anonymous

    Clovis Sangrail, point taken, I’ll shut up now.

  31. on 30 Mar 2009 at 3:14 pm   millie

    By the way, how do you know it’s a “reasonable well-informed comment”? Are you an expert or something?

    He’s Allam’s older brother.

  32. on 30 Mar 2009 at 3:19 pm   RJ

    Anyone else think the quality of US intelligence briefings has declined somewhat recently?

    At least “Saddam’s bein a right dick he has guns ‘n’ oil ‘n’ shit” was succinct.

  33. on 30 Mar 2009 at 3:21 pm   Incontinentia

    BUM.

  34. on 30 Mar 2009 at 4:06 pm   lord moncktons gardener

    An climate change ‘expert’ writes:

    this is a pointless gesture.

    if climate change really was man made then why do we light up public buildings, landmarks and even bridges?

    why do governments expand airports and global trade?

    why do they have “carbon trading” which allows nations with low CO2 production sell their quota to the high CO2 producers resulting in n reduction in CO2?

    Why do the IPCC travel the world in luxury when video conferencing produces little CO2?

    Because they know its a lie?
    john davis, Motherwell, United Kingdom

    By the same logic:

    Lung cancer is a lie because people continue to smoke.

    Obesity is a myth because people still eat too much.

    Car crashes can’t happen because people continue to use cars.

    War isn’t a bad thing because we keep going to war.

    john davis isn’t talking bollocks because he keeps posting bollocks on Have Your Say.

  35. on 30 Mar 2009 at 4:24 pm   Col John Matrix

    I’m wondering if DEATH is some kind of shadowy organisation, like SPECTRE.

    I thought that the SWAT valley was a place where they trained SWAT teams. Shows you what I know.

  36. on 30 Mar 2009 at 4:30 pm   Nelson

    Dear You Lot,

    When these nincompoops appear spouting pompous rimcheese like “perfectly reasonable points” or “please can someone explain” etc, can you please do me a big favour and just ignore them or, if you must respond, be funny and patronising like Vicky was. On no account should you take anything they say seriously and try to put them right. Like the mooing herd on HYS, all they crave is that the internet cares about their opinions. If YOU care about their opinions then you should probably recalibrate your “giving a shit” gland. If you DON’T care about their opinions, don’t bother trying to put them straight. They’ll soon head off and join the important debate over at CiF.

    Love,

    Me
    x

  37. on 30 Mar 2009 at 5:29 pm   Anonymous

    Disregard that I’m a faggot.

  38. on 30 Mar 2009 at 5:34 pm   Daley Mayle

    Just ONE kiss? I’m hurt…

  39. on 30 Mar 2009 at 5:36 pm   Black Lesbian In A WheelChair

    For a large meatball in gravy, you sure are eloquent, Nelson.

  40. on 30 Mar 2009 at 5:41 pm   Dr Feelgood

    In a recent vLog, the genius of all things internetty Graham Murkett invented the Pointless Internet Argument Forums (or ‘Edith’ as it is known among the cognoscenti and fans of dead French warblers) and it has now been created for real.

    Perhaps direct those who want a heated debate there?

    Has a very excited thread on Jade G (which will please some, I guess).

  41. on 30 Mar 2009 at 6:56 pm   The Gnome Secretary

    I did a massive shit in my toilet cistern, I get the water savings from displacement, coupled with the fragrance and water-colouring advantages of Toilet Duck.

    Bring back the Good Old Days, when every cunt shat in their toilet cisterns.

  42. on 30 Mar 2009 at 7:43 pm   Bit Special

    In the ‘Good Old Days’, there was no interwebs… and therefore no HYS. That’s one olde-tyme experience I’d like the_historian and his ilk to share.

    That and forcing them at gunpoint to anally violate Peter Hitchens with a rolled-up copy of The Communist Manifesto (in the original German). Or possibly The Female Eunuch.

    (There’s no real reason for this; I just really hate Peter Hitchens).

  43. on 30 Mar 2009 at 8:00 pm   Hitler's Penis

    Nelson is quite right. All these bloody stupid attempts at serious edits (including this one) should be sternly suppressed with cries of “shut up you stupid cunt”. People trying to have real discussions should be kindly shown the door, no, strike that, they should be crammed into gas stoves full of shit and dumped in a skip. And to enforce this we need Administrators and Monitors, yes, and a notice board for user incidents, and … oh shut up you stupid cunt.

  44. on 30 Mar 2009 at 8:47 pm   Gobbler The Oral Sex Alsatian

    Woof woof
    Slurp slurp

    Shut up you stupid cunt.

  45. on 30 Mar 2009 at 9:25 pm   marnarama

    I love that Allam feels it necessary to type ‘death’ in capitals, just in case we hadn’t grasped the gravity of the word.

    I fucking love this website.

  46. on 31 Mar 2009 at 7:47 am   Clovis Sangrail

    marnarama – me too. As well as writing death in capitals perhaps he could just write DUN DUN DUNNNNN after it as well
    Nelson – sorry sir…

  47. on 31 Mar 2009 at 9:44 am   giveitago

    Hold on …. just recalibrating my “giving a shit” gland …

    Oh shut up you stupid cunt
    Shut up you stupid cunt

    Ah … that’s better. Now I’m not afraid of DEATH either.

  48. on 31 Mar 2009 at 10:42 am   MrFlabulous

    What a bunch of stupid cunts.

    Do I win £5?

  49. on 31 Mar 2009 at 12:24 pm   Throbbe

    Can I just thank Dr Feelgood for reminding me of the genius that was Soap.

  50. on 31 Mar 2009 at 5:08 pm   alephnaught

    And on a more pedantic note- anyone who grew up with rationing is more likely to be in their 60s-70s than “middle aged”. Anyone middle-aged in 2009 would be more likely grown up in the 1970s, so “the_historian” should really be expecting calls for three-day-weeks, everything in beige, unions having beer and sandwiches in Number 10, Youtube to be replace with Bell & Howell super-8 cameras, and dreadful 23 minute epic songs by some band who supported Sooty in some crap rain-sodden festival in a mud bowl filled with twenty bazillion gits in crushed purple flares the size of Ullapool.

  51. on 31 Mar 2009 at 8:11 pm   Dr Feelgood

    Can I just thank Dr Feelgood for reminding me of the genius that was Soap.

    My pleasure Throbbe – worried I was just showing my AGE.

  52. on 01 Apr 2009 at 2:33 am   Mim

    Clovis has ruined my day – at 3am so there is a lot of day left – by reminding me that Tizer is now completely natural and original-recipe and not full of evil additives and tastes shit. I now live in constant fear that the PC liberal anti-E-number brigade will ruin dandelion and burdock. Sadly, I have yet to think of a way to make this the fault of immigrants.