Found this one on the “G20″ thread. At first it seems a cut above your standard HYS brainsquawk. In fact, it seems pretty rational, like it was written by a normal, but watch out for the modulation around “I will rant” where it shifts suddenly into the key of shitflap minor.
They will do nothing of substance. All of their leaderships have been damaged beyond repair. None of us can believe that none of them saw this coming. And even now, they refuse to realise that greed is out of fashion, or that they have run out of trust. One rule for them, another for us. And yes, I will rant. Just like the BBC, it’s ok for a radio 4 presenter to say today, that Gordon Brown is probably sticking pins in an effigy of Mervyn King, but I say it, and my comment is rejected.
Carol Lunn
Things are starting to look up. Carol Lunn obviously believes that “The BBC” is a small group of people who sit around discussing Carol Lunn. They probably share an office with the Bank of England, the unions, the National Lottery, Greenpeace, Google Maps and Gordon Brown.
Curiosity got the better of me at this point and I clicked through to see what fresh whinnets I could gingerly harvest from Carol’s claggy RSS feed. With my nail scissors, I clipped away a few of the less appetising nuggets until I came upon the chewy gem below. I’m speaking metaphorically of course (I think it’s the extra hour of sunlight doing stuff to my hormones). What I mean is that I scanned through a few hundred words of some bint whining on a web page and found this comment about “broken hearts” or something. This is one for the connoisseurs out there. It’s got fruity layers and is stuffed with petulance and pomposity. It’s been rolled in arrogance before being dusted with self-pity. Not the everyday arrogance and self-pity you’ve been forced to use to save money during the credit crunch, dear me no. This is the good shit. The really expensive stuff where you don’t merely think you’re better than everyone else or suffering worse than everyone else but actually fail to comprehend that there is anyone else.
My heart is broken when I see that the rules governing this site halt a bit of fun; just how politically controlled are you? a jest about chucking darts at a picture of someone who has wronged you? Has my comment rejected? Get real; maybe it is you who are plitical correctness gone mad. I shall now remove my comments to a different site, as I’ve noticed that anything which doesn’t comply with current political speak is rejected. Fainthearts; not in the English tradition.
Carol Lunn
Are you hearing this BBC? ARE YOU? I expect your apology before sunset today. If I do not receive it you shall face me in a duel at dawn! Fie! Blaggard!
Somebody fetch my horse. And a sandwich.
69 Responses to “Wronged By Fainthearts”
I know you are but what am I?
“Political correctness gone mad”
Do these people not have an ounce of originality in their bodies?
Carol’s right. The PC Brigade is everywhere, like cheweing gum on the streets of Hackeny and other leftwing boroughs. I will probably be removed by the moderator here for saying this but she’s got a point and you would do well to pay attension to her congent views in between your Communistic lambasting of other people’s rights to freedom of spech.
I like her threat to ‘remove her comments’ to somewhere else. As threats go, it’s probably akin to having an unwanted guest come to a houseparty with a carrier bag full of sloppy, rancid dog turds, and then threaten to remove the dog turds when people say they really don’t like dog turds.
I’ll add that to my list of slightly laboured euphemsisms.
Sorry: that should read “slightly ZanuLaboured euphemisms”, of course…
@ Dolly: Take note.
What the hell does a radio 4 presenter think they are doing by using the expression ‘today’. Bastards.
Fuck me, I weep for the abuse of those poor commas
Dear Carol Lunn,
Your threat to “remove your comments to another site” has not gone unnoticed here at the BBC. We at the BBC read your comments with great enthusiasm, without them the BBC would collapse into financial ruin. We love your original and insightful phrase about plitical madness! Wow! What a side splitter, and it certainly has gone mad.
We will do our best to resolve the issue, please don’t leave.
Sincerely,
Mark Thomson
I hadn’t considered it as a euphemism but I like it. “Stick that up your feed”.
I miss that Anonymous bloke from yesterday…
I bet the BBC was as upset as my bank was when I angrily informed them I would be moving my overdraft to another bank.
I shall now remove my wee wee to a different coca cola bottle.
“Hackeny”
You are Dick Van Dyke, AICMFP.
“I shall now remove my comments to a different site”
Reminds me of a situation several years ago when the solicitors on the other side of a case wrongly faxed something to us. After we phoned to let them know they asked us to fax our copy back to them.
They are also similar in that they are both fuckwits.
When she says “I shall now remove my comments to a different site” I like to imagine it in a Lady Bracknell type voice in full handbag dudgeon
There is a lot of this sort of trip on the number 10 petitions site. Ban Chewing gum!
Sticking pins in effigies, throwing darts at pictures – woman’s got a pointy object obsession I think – Maybe caused by obsessing about the very things they won’t let her have in the home in case she sticks them in her arm. Again.
Like a shuffling bag-lady with her Tesco Value comments chinking away in a plastic carrier-bag looking for the next park bench.
“Oooh, you look like a nice boy. Want to share what I’ve got in me bag, sonny?”
At lunchtime I went home and wrote a song in shitflap minor. It’s an unusual key, but it suits the song well because it has a lot of augmented turds. I’ve already sold it to Girls Aloud.
@ Samuel Johnson “tesco value comments”
Nice. Mine now.
I try to send a serious remark to this commetns blog and all you can do is laugh and make rude schoolboy jokes. the Chewing Gum thing was just a cheap joke for you but it is a real problem and if the PC brigade wasn;t so busy wasting time on cheap housing for the wrong people then it would be cleard up a lot faster. I think you know this really.
The ‘problem’ isn’t a lack of knowledge Dolly, we’re positively blessed with it. The ‘problem’ is that there’s a collective lack of will and general arsed-ness that I find warm and cosy, and which fits in with my ‘fuck it, really can’t be arsed’ worldview.
I know Nelson’s asked us not to engage with the weirdoes who stray in here trying to be “serious”, but I’d love to know if Dolly The Sheep is seriously suggesting that councils should devote their resources to removing chewing gum rather than emergency housing. Because if so, she’s one fucked-up cunt.
@ Dolly.
It’s school-person.
Oh lordy, are we to be cursed with this sort of thing every single comment thread from now until the blah filter comes back?
Dolly is quite funny tho.
Dear Carol,
Further to Mark Thomson’s letter, we would like you to desist from attempting to overthrow our liberal supremacy. Your insightful views are tantamount to heresy in our new age of enforced-understanding-of-the-cultures-and-beliefs-of-others. They threaten to upset our apple cart, making it collapse like a house of cards.
Our influence pervades throughout the online world. We have only allowed some of your views into the greater consciousness of the blogosphere so far in the belief that they wouild be drowned out by pictures of kittens. We now see this as a mistake as you have garnered a huge following of fellow-minded anti-moderators and other non-PC undesirables. You can either choose to hold your tongue or we can remove it.
Do not doubt us.
Yours,
The PC Brigade
ps do not think it has escaped our attention that you have been using a Mac to post your views. This will not be tolerated by the PC brigade.
Pah.
The current chewing gum problem is nothing compared to the horror it was in the old days! Remember “Bazooka Joe” gum? That stuff used to be the size of a cricket ball and weigh half a poud when you spat the bastard out ont the street. Step in some of that and you’d soon bloody know about – it was like one of those adverts for that wallpaper paste that they stuck men on boards with before flying them around the city in a helicopter. I lost count of the numbers of pairs of shoes I ruined because I had to leave one of them firmly cemented to the pavement by Bazooka Joe gum. I also lost count of the number of times I smacked my head off those flying-board wallpaper advertisers, the bastards. Anyways, you don’t get that level of sheer annoyance out of today’s pathetic brands of Wrigleys Extra gum do you? No you fucking don’t. And you never see white dog turds anymore either – obviously some Pinko-Left Guardianista Illuminati plot to replace good proper WHITE English dog turds with all these Paki-brown Islamic dog turds. You couldn’t make this fucking shit up I tell you!!!1!!
Isn’t Dolly just trying (like a cack-brained mong instead of a genuinely witty person) to do an HYS pastiche?
hehehehe. And a chorus jam packed with diminished responsibilities.
I can just picture Nelson on a horse.
Majestic.
Dolly = Anonymous from yesterday.
I claim my cigar. You’ve all been ‘ad!
Dolly = fake. It ws th speling waht gavce it away
I’m sure Shitflap Minor was a character in the Jennings books.
As I recall, Jennings persuaded him to go for a joyride on the school lawnmower and he ended up losing an arm. And the half-holiday was cancelled.
Ah, another Jenning fan. I think you’ll find that half-holiday was not cancelled but shitflap minor did lose his place in the daisy chain.
Why does anyone care if a person they’ll never meet and can’t affect them in any way is
a) using two different fake names
b) actually two different people they’ll never meet?
@vicky. Hmmm, fascinating. And if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it?
It’s much clearer when you can look at the IP addresses n shit
It all comes down to simple mathematics.
If we take it as a given that we can measure an abstract principle such as cuntishness, and I think we only have to compare certain HYS topics to others to realise that some can generate a noticeably higher level of cuntishness and ignorant fuckwittery, then we can factor in the critical cunt quotient.
To use your example: if one cunt is posting under 2 names then they are just being “extra-cunty”; if, however, we are dealing with two totally seperate cunts then we have just doubled the cunt-quotient. Now sooner or later the level of overall cuntishness is going to become so large and all-pervasive that it will finally tip over the line of the critical cunt quotient at which point a chain reaction occurs and we all start catching complete cuntishness – like in those zombie movies except we’ll all be shambling round blathering our tits off about complete shite and spewing out bigoted cuntery along the lines of Topsy & Joy Pattinson and all the others.
To paraphrase the great Romero – when there’s no more room for cuntery on HYS, the fucktards shall walk the Earth…
So be afraid.
Be VERY afraid…
I bloody love this site. Now come and step in me – I want your shoes.
Her I am. You’re noy going to stick a picture of Simon Weston on me again are you?
I’m not feeling very optomistic about that.
Damn these horse shoes. I meant ‘here’ and ‘not’.
But “noy” sounds much more horselike.
I’ve just realized something very unfortunate here.
- but then Carol fails to tell us WHICH different site! What is the bloody use of that? Supposing I really really like her writing and want to read more? I’m fucked aren’t I? Shit. Life is just soooo soooo bad sometimes. I could weep bitter tears of anguish, I really could.
Hey I can do blockquotes! Not bad for a penis, huh?
It’s the “And a sandwich” that gets me. Classic. What happened to “Animal Fanny Tuesdays”. Can we resurrect them in some way, like “Awful Sandwich Wednesdays?” Just a thought…
I’ll open with anything and banana – always a mistake to put a banana in a sandwich.
But if you don’t put a banana in a banana sandwich you get into a horrible logical tangle that makes your head hurt. Unless you enjoy that sort of thing, of course, in which case I look forward to the day when you go on fire from sheer smugness.
I thought that the English tradition was hard work all day, back for tea and cake, a bit of dogging in the park and then din-dins. I think though, that here she’s saying that censorship isn’t in the English tradition. Which is a little bit silly, if you compare Channel 5’s output on a Friday night ten years ago with pretty much everything on Dutch TV after 10pm.
Or like “now” said in a Northern Irish accent.
Is it just me or is Obama a tedious pompous cunt?
He’s brill cos he’s one in the eye for rednecks but a tedious pompous cunt cos he’s prezzie of the US. IMHO.
I think, in the same way that the US will never elect an atheist, they can’t elect someone who can’t compete in the T.P. Cuntery stakes. Maybe he got lessons?
Ho hum, really should do some work instead of hanging out here…
Off topic – Nelson, remember those complaint logs? Do you still get them? Can we see? They might cut out the thread-based “debates” as people are silenced in awe of the celsius nazis genius!
“Cannot see it doing ANY good But one thing is certain Brown then Clown picked the right day
APRIL 1 ST ALL FOOLS DAY”
Alan Hammond, Egham Surrey
Poor old Saint All Fools – he had a terrible time of it. And now Alan’s using his name in vain.
“they can achieve nothing rather than having some juices on the table of their conference hall, people cant afford a pint milk everyday and they are spending millions after this G20 and making money….pay rise for MPs for what???….losing billions in economy…is that what you call patroism, british value???the true thing is that why would any one wants interest in G20 cos they will give big statements on TV and then go home have a cup of coffee…(dis MPs)!!!”
krushant, london
Not sure what krushant’s point is here. If you imagine the ‘…’s as static, it sounds a bit like we keep losing his frequency. Whatever, I like the bit about juices.
What are these juices; the delicious tangy tears of a virgin unicorn?
Mmmmm…unicorn tears
What is ‘patroism’?
Would it not save you a bit of time if someone just brought you a horse sandwich?
Did I put too much nutmeg on my porridge today or was that Nelson ending a comment with a smiley face?
Thought sequence:
1) I don’t like banana sandwiches, or the thought of going on fire.
2)I am now sad that someone potentially wishes me to be on fire.
3)I don’t like logical tangles, so I am safe.
As you were…
“they can achieve nothing rather than having some juices on the table of their conference hall, people cant afford a pint milk everyday and they are spending millions after this G20 and making money”
Expensive juice.
Expensive juice indeed
http://milliondare.com/2008/05/05/1998-2008-inflation-bread-gasoline-orange-juice-and-bananas/
Bananas are the fruit of the devil (say in best hysterical Vincent Price voice, with one eye twitching with mania) and should go nowhere near a sandwich, or indeed anything else – but specifically not near my mouth. Or nose (the smell). HEAVE.
Growing up, my best friend and her brother used to try and outdo each other with gross sarnie combinations. Hence: potted meat and icing sugar, tuna and banana and grossest of all, potted shrimp and golden syrup. I shit you not. Would they make it into ‘Awful Sandwich Wednesday’?
Incidentally, I once saw a sign outside a snack bar offering ’sandwhitche’s’. It was professionally sign-written. I wept openly in the street.
The level of banana hatred is quite exciting, as is the beauty of discovering completely meaningless common ground. Does anyone else hate the smell, texture, taste and very thought of egg mayonnaise as much as I do?
No.
And leave off the bananas. They’re the good guys, right. You should be ganging up on the grapefruits. They’re the bastards.
Bananas are good. Egg mayo acceptable. Rice pudding though – that is the devil’s vomit.
Bananas OK, grapefruits brilliant, rice pudding definitely wrong. This is all very illuminating.
Ok Mark, because you grovelled so nicely, I give you one more chance to not fuck-up. As you can see I’ve been talking the same old bollox for you all again, e.g:
How do you like them bananas? As long as you continue to worship my wisdom I will deign to grace HYS and will not – at this time – remove my comments to a different site … I haven’t found one yet
I am, of course, mentally ill & get a quiver of excitement every time I can express myself to the ignorant plebs. I also love banana & sugar sandwiches for my late supper on 27.3% of the days in every month that is longer than 4 weeks or 28 days (whichever is the shorter) and will therefore continue to spout my shite on HYS for fukin ages.
Yours etc.
Carol Lunn (Mr)
ps. the original is here: http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/goToMessage.jspa?messageID=6092217&edition=1&ttl=20090403031535 – have fun. Kisses
ALL food is evil.