spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Alex. A different Alex. On the government imprisoning kids. It’s just darky kids though, so don’t worry your pretty little head about it.

Isenhorn

This poem is one of the most exploited and is used whether or not it is actually suitable to the topic at hand. How about an updated version:

First they came from India
And I did not speak out
Because we owed it to the Indians

Then they came from Pakistan
And I did not speak out
Because we had alredy let the Indians in

Then they came from Somalia
And I did not speak out
Even though I wanted to

Then they came from Poland
And I did not speak out
Because I was called a racist

Then they came from everywhere
And event though I tried to speak
Nobody listened

It takes a great deal of imagination to link a poem about the Nazis to something as unrelated as race relations or political asylum. Hats off, Isenhorn. In fact, I’m so impressed, I’m going to share Martin Niemoller’s secret last verse with you, which he dictated to me from his deathbed:

Finally I got fed up with them coming for this that and the other all the time
And instead of all that crap about speaking out
I dangled my clackerbag in a deep-fat fryer
THEN they listened

A trivial platitude, I know, but perhaps there’s some guidance there somewhere.

Thanks to Fran and Matt for their submissions on Robin Hood.

Surely his role was quite the opposite: he was the opponent of oppressive over-taxing big government. He stole from the beneficiaries of a corrupt tax system to return wealth to the unfairly taxed masses that they might use it productively. In translating this to modern times, there is a twist. The beneficiaries of the taxes in Robin Hood’s day were the nobility and their various hangers-on, whereas today our taxes are squandered on welfare dependents and employees of public sector make-work schemes. Today’s Robin Hood should steal from the welfare claimants and public-sector payrolls and give to the productive middle classes.
Tim, London

I always thought Robin Hood had the wrong approach. If you take money from the rich, they’re not rich any more, and if you give money to the poor they’ll stop being poor. He probably ended up having to rob people straight afterwards so he could give the money back, and then vice versa. This idea is much better. If you rob people who Tim from London doesn’t like and give it to the people Tim from London does like, mostly Tim from London, you can be certain his grasping, small-minded prejudices won’t change.

I think this one is a very, very old one my brother wrote. I forgot to publish it. Oops
– Nelson

Instead of wasting taxpayers money on failed projects that will achieve nothing why not create a forestation program for the Sahara desert. It is a useless piece of territory, hardly inhabited and is increasing southwards at a rapid rate. This would provide a means of maintaining forest area and soak up carbon emmissions. It would also provide a livelihood for many who currently live in the region.
Paul, Sapcote, England

You’ve obviously not thought this one through Paul. Where the hell would all the camels live? Up a tree? Fool.

Nick Griffin: Idiot, racist, hypocrite, idiot, Holocaust denier, drama queen, idiot. Can anyone beat that for stupidity?

How come the PC brigade keep getting away with calling Nick Griffin an idiot. Can you imagine what would happen if we dared call them idiots here, yep it wouldn’t get published
John, Salford

Best not bother then. Typical PC Mail.

Now this was fascinating. You’d think a question like “Should people we like be allowed to do anything they want to people we don’t like?” would just end up funnelling angry cretins down the “terror suspect ≡ terrorist” tunnel, and you’d largely be right. But look at this, the most recommended comment has taken a wrong turn and come out the liberal end:

CIA agents who used harsh interrogation techniques on terrorism suspects such as sleep deprivation…

BBC

*****

Terrorism suspects use nice techniques such as beheading & blowing up markets.

Obama has got his priorities right.

marcus marcuse

I know it’s canny to cover your arse in ongoing legal cases, but I reckon if they’re actually blowing stuff up you can get away with calling them “terrorists” without hearing from their lawyers. You should have more confidence in your unsubstantiated prejudices. Take a tip from Paul, who went on holiday and learned from his experience:

First of all, this is purely a political move by the socialist Obama Presidency to attack the conservative former President Bush. There is no moral high ground here, purely politics.

Secondly, are these practices truly torture? You Brits should know; I’ve seen the implements in the Tower. Torture involves permenent bodily damage and is used for intimidation. All of these practices were psychological in nature and successfully extracted needed information that could not be obtained otherwise.

Paul Blase, Alexandria, Virginia, USA

I’ve not been actually. Is it good? I’ve heard the Beefeaters have to stand really still whatever you do to them, and if they even blink, all the ravens will fly away, the Queen will get hit by a red double-decker bus and London Bridge will fall down.

Rather unusual. Robin and Savvas both sent in oddly similar submissions on wildly different subjects. Firstly, MPs’ expenses, a red rag to a bull if ever I saw one:

Of course it won’t restore confidence. The horse has bolted, the pigs have their snouts in the trough and the cat is out of the bag.

Animal Farm – you better beieve it!!
[Dickietruncheon], Cheltenham, United Kingdom

As Savvas says, “Not forgetting that the worm has turned, three mice have run up the clock and that the lion sleeps tonight.” And I thought Snowball bolted, the pigs ate at the table and it was actually Boxer the horse who ended up in a bag on the way to the glue factory. You also missed the chickens and the sheep. But good try.

Wowzerbrigade:
The ‘Wowzerbrigade’ is getting way out of hand in this country.

George Orwell’s 1984 is starting to come true and soon the collective state will ban everything that is fun “for the good of the Collective”.

The end of the individual is neigh only to be replaced with rampant political correctness.

What draconian policy was Wowzerbrigade protesting? What ‘fun’ is the government depriving him of? Aha, it’s investigating sneaky practice by the alcohol industry. Anyway, you’ve got confused. The horse is in Animal Farm (see above). But I suppose when you read so many books they both start to merge together.

Thanks to Naomi and Rob who both sent this in.

This chap really made me think. I mean, they’re always on about viruses n bosons n shit but has anyone ever actually seen one?

I do not believe that there is a pig flu. I distrust all government.
I do not believe that a pig virus mutated and affects humans.

This a scare tactic used by government and it’s agencies to instill fear and gain greater control over the population.

The media does it part in this propanganda by sensationlizing the story and adding to it. They will use images of ignorant people wearing surgical or other nose coverings.
Jared Garrick, New York City, United States

Thanks to Catherine. A rare inclusion from the all-too-easy Daily Mail site. I think it’s about last week’s exciting science result which proved that, the more girls there are in a class, the worse the boys do at English.

did the research look into who was teaching?

its well known that female teachers give better treatment to girls….

on the other hand …having alcass full of KEVINS…

and with such wondefful additions to language such as “MEH” aka the SIMPSONS is it any wonder…

finally if girls are better at english…how come they dont have a grasp of the part that includes
NO…to teenage pregnancies, alcohol and rug abuse etc.
john, leicester

I’m guessing John went to an all-girls school.

Thanks to Mark. Until today, I genuinely believed the internet was anonymous. That was until I read these suggestions for the budget:

Slash the number of civil servants – this will cut rad tape
Slash Public pension funds – level to with private ones
Slash MP’s expenses to £20 a week
Cut Petrol duty
Raise tax thresholds
Tax people with Bushy eyebrows (Even chancellors)
Take us out of the EU – that will save 4+ Billions
Tax all foreign drivers that come here
Lower import Duties for items bought on ebay from abroad
Make Students pay back all their tuition fees
Abolish taxes on flights

[POLARIS69], Kent, United Kingdom

You see, all of a sudden, through the digital ether, I realised I could sense [POLARIS69]. Not only that, certain pieces of information about his lifestyle and personal history flashed before my eyes:

He does not work in or use the civil service
He works in the private sector
His job does not require him to claim expenses
He drives a lot, but does not own a fuel-efficient car
He falls only slightly within his tax bracket
He has thin eyebrows and prides himself on his sense of humour
He does not travel or do business on the continent
He never drives abroad
He buys a lot on eBay, much of it from outside the UK
He never went to University
He flies a lot

Almost had his real name for a minute too, but it was drowned out by the spirits whispering “self-important, whining, stingy cunt” over and over into my ear.

Thanks to Paul and Angel who both sent this one in. There’s a thread about the new Star Trek film.

The star trek franchise started to go downhill with Deep space 9. The adding of actors that were chosen not for their acting ability or for fitting in with the roll but for their politically correct values.

I am not saying that they are bad actors. They just were not right for the parts they played.

Voyager suffered from the same problems. Great concept. good story line. Poor casting.

The wrath of khan is the best of the movies. I will give the new one a try with an open mind
Jason, St Albans

Silly boy! It’s pure escapism. Nobody would REALLY let a woman drive a spaceship! And you realise that all those black people don’t REALLY have fannies on their foreheads or alien DNA yeah? If you saw them in the street you wouldn’t give them a second glance. They just look like perfectly normal car thieves and drug dealers.