You’ve heard of NATO and you probably remember that “so ronely” chap from Team America so I reckon you’re about ready to launch your diplomatic career.
Now then, here’s an easy one to start off with. “What response to North Korea?”
The world reaction to North Korea’s provocation will be to do what it always does when tyrants provoke: speak loudly and carry a small stick.
Gary, Japan
You hear that Mr Obama? You can keep shouting all you like but nobody’s going to listen while you insist on carrying a ridiculously tiny stick. You look like Harry fucking Potter, waving that thing around.
GET A BIGGER STICK.
Japan, the US, South Korea and other concerned nations in the area should, of course, carefully watch any such launch and be prepared to deal with any erratic behavior–but they should be quiet about it. North Korea likes to seek attention, like a spoiled brat. It’s best to just ignore their proclamations and attention-seeking behavior. In other words, carry a big stick, but speak softly and close your ears. Constantly responding in angry tones to each NK action is counter-productive.
Derek Kelly, Aberdeen, United States
Now we’re getting somewhere. Soft-spoken but with a massive stick. I’m thinking maybe Yoda? He’s got a linguistic advantage too, as he speaks a bit foreign.
We have been too softly softly. now it’s time to use a big stick as these fools are just pushing the line too far …
The only way to win is to make them crumble from inside ….
[POLARIS69], Kent, United Kingdom
You’d need exactly the right kind of stick to make them crumble from the inside. So, while your idea is very good, to be honest you’re just restating the central question: “Which stick?”.
From military point of view “nuclear N Korea” is a fiddlestick – [... goes on for some time ...]
Anton Cheglov, Auckland, New Zealand
That’s the WRONG KIND OF STICK. Idiot.
hmmm.. carrots or sticks. North Koren’s want more carrots, yet use the biggest sticks in their arsenal in an atempt to get their
way.Obama needs to tell KJ where to he can stick those carrots.
Tim Proctor
What do you mean “carrots or sticks”?? It’s fucking sticks alright???
You dick.
Jesus.
This reminds me of when adult smokers tell kids not to smoke. N. Korea’s being an immature punk, saying (with their action) “we’ll do what we wanna do”. The reality is, they shouldn’t have to explain, sure they can get away with it. But what do they actually have to say about it? Communications? We should send them a bag of balloons with a card that says “here, blow these up.” If they laugh at the joke, the courier gets to slap them in the face. This hand could be ugly, I say test them back.
Charles, Jersey City, NJ
Perhaps you’re right. We were getting a bit too obsessed with the sticks. We should send Inspector Clouseau to deliver a bomb disguised as a cake.
42 Responses to “Which Stick?”
Best fuckwittery in ages. Made me choke on my lunch.
“We were getting a bit too obsessed with the sticks. We should send Inspector Clouseau to deliver a bomb disguised as a cake.”
Nah, send them the new Pink Panther movies. They’re awful. That’ll teach them.
That seems a bit mean. We send them a lovely bag of balloons and when they laugh at our joke we slap them in the face?
It’s a good job Jim Davidson didn’t go around slapping people in the face when they laughed at his jokes or he’d never have become the comedy legend he is today!
Methinks Charles in Jersey City often does ugly things with his hand and his testes…
Yeah, I said “methinks”.
I went there.
Live with it.
Perhaps overdoing the submarine-launched nuclear missile fetishism?
Go on baby, are those enriched or natural… give me your critical mass – I’m going for multiple warhead re-entry. I’m fissioning! I’m fissioning!
Oh no, I’ve airburst… it’s never happened before, honestly.
What scale are we using to measure these ’sticks’? I have a yard stick which we could use, but perhaps it might not be ideal. What about a walking stick? The latest models can be adjusted to make them bigger or smaller depending on the loudness of our voice.
NK for the world. I am going there on holiday. I’m gonna pack a twig and a megaphone.
It’s clear they should send over Ken Dodd and his tickling stick to sort it out.
With any luck they might kill the cunt as well.
Is Charles suggesting cancer sticks?
“The only way to win is to make them crumble from inside”
Do we think apple or rhubarb?
It’s like the opening of “Battlestar Galactica” re-re-imagined by Charlie Chaplin.
Or in other words apply Supernanny tips to international relations. Put them on the naughty step. That’s bound to work.
Or should we try reverse psychology? “I bet you couldn’t possibly hit Charles in New Jersey with that nuke. You’re not smart enough.”
Win/win I’d say.
This lot show such immaculate recall and understanding of Roosevelt’s Big Stick Diplomacy that I suspect they were in the same A’level American History class as I was.
I just hope they’ve forgotten the time I called our teacher ‘mum’…
I knew it would all be the fault of those bastard Angles & Saxons – forrun gits coming over here and stealing our country and oppressing the Celts.
Mind you, I quite like BJones proposal os “mass wank diplomacy” – I mean it would be a bit embarrassing getting into a fight with someone after you’ve tossed off in front of each other and come together as one, wouldn’t it?
If only Neville & Adolf had cranked out a hand shandy in front of each all those years ago we wouldn’t have to watch so many fucking movies about how America won the war all on its own with no help from anyone else.
A beumb?
Erm. Yes. Quite.
I think he’s saying that he goes around killing dogs with his sword and then cleaning their “……….” ’s? Not sure what that has to do with North Korea, except that they eat a lot of dog over there. Allegedly.
Right, I think I’ve distilled this correctly:
We send a courier to invite Mr. Il ’round for a game of poohsticks, then offer him some carrots which turn out to be balloons *shaped* like carrots, so that when he bites them he ingests a fuckload of helium which will prevent him from speaking loudly enough to warrant us purchasing a big stick.
Should work…
You missed out the mass wank admiral.
Unless of course “a game of poohsticks” is your euphemism for tossing one off into the sheets…?
Do we have the mass wank before or after Kim leaves?
I’d prefer the latter. Circle jerks are distinctly egalitarian occasions, and I don’t think they’d appeal to a dictator: he’d only want to be centre of attention all the time.
Can’t we just send them Richard Littlejohn, Jim Davidson and everyone who works for the Daily Mail?
Not for any diplomatic reason, you realise. Just because if they go there we won’t hear anything from them for the rest of time.
That should be the punishment for HYS fuckwads. Smuggle them into North Korea, and then do our best to keep it Communist.
Unless there’s a ‘R’ in the month or the NKs have got ‘Mrs Tiggywinkle’ at home, in which case the Septics do blind hopscotch while the NKs blow soggy paper-pellets at them with biro-pea-shooters. If these phases of diplomacy prove fruitless, they play marbles for keeps to decide the winner.
I do my bit for the environment, therefore i think that removing sticks from trees to fight a foreign power is wrong. That is I did before I heard about this and had to hurriedly form an opinion to share.
I am one man, against the masses, with just one stick. It is not a big stick but I want to talk with it. But NKorea make me bend it so I must bend it into a bow to fire my arrows of diplomacy at them. But they push me so much my stick-bow breaks and I am left with twigs. I cannot fight NKorea with twigs, so they will win.
THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!!! IF WE CONTINUE LIKE THIS!!! WHAT WOULD DIANA THINK??!!11!?
I only hope she is too busy breastfeeding Baby P up in heaven to notice the wrongs we do in her name………….
Right! I’m off down Sainsburys with a hockey stick and if I don’t get 5Kg of the finest organic baby carrots then things’ll start to escalate pretty damn quick!
(It says that Kim Il Sung’s medium-range nuke-missile is called the Nodong Missile. Well, quite.)
Piffle. After living under the brutal, oppresive heel of Gordo the Clown’s Neo-Stalinist ZaNuLiarbore fascist police-state regime with its CCTV, DNA databases and Snoopers Charter which the fucktards never-endingly brain-spurt about on HYS they’d probably think they’d died and gone to Butlins. Or Heaven. Or the Heavenly Equivalent of Butlins. Which is a lot like the rest of Heaven except it has more water slides and boozed up Daily Mail readers with knotted hankies on their heads. But what they don’t know is that the Heavenly Butlins Canteen is staffed with towel-headed illegal asylum seekers from Allah’s Muslim heaven (seems there’s only so many virgins to go round so a lot of the jihadists have to share – and it’s not much fun getting the sloppy seconds equivalent of a virgin let me tell you…) and they piss in the beer.
What?
are you saying my virgin count will be light when i get to muslim heaven?
then ill have to go work for the christian heaven butlins canteen?
this jehad lark isnt realy paying the dividens i was promiced.
=( sad jihad man
De tardus fatuus HYSuis nil nisi bonum…
I hope Charles from Jersey City, NJ has considered that North Koreans might, as non-native speakers of English, have difficulty with his wordplay. Surely it would be rather unfair to slap them simply because they lacked second-language proficiency or because his pun did not translate into Korean.
Alex, if all forrins would just stop being so lazy and learn English, then we’d have none of these silly ‘ballistic missile capability’ shenanigans in the first place. Everyone knows that.
Sadly POLARIS69’s big stick was decommissioned 20 years ago and is now slowly rusting in a low level waste repository.
That’ll scare the bejesus out of ‘em, that’s for sure.
Yeah, Kim Jong-il’s well-known for his wicked sense of humour. For added mirth let’s make it a blow-up doll.
sticky stuck?
fucky duck!
These Great Thoughts of HYS’s Great Political Thinkers are too much for me. They should be, like, at the United Nations. Yeah.
And as for this:
- that’s just bloody dangerous. You try closing your ears when carrying a big stick! See? Bloody hurts doesn’t it? Can I sue this bastard?
I think Anton got the wrong end of the stick. Geddit? Eh? Eh?
Sorry.
(i really hope this works, but i’m new here, so feel free to laugh at any failure of blockquotes)
made me laugh quite a bit, and splutter on my tea (anyone who says they don’t drink tea while reading this site is lying, i’ve been through three cups already)
@Icarus Smicarus
please don’t stop the terrible puns
success!!
I’ve got a very big stick and I know how to use it. So fuck you, Hans Brix!
Dogs don’t eat carrots. You berk.
You know that the whole speaking/stick thing is a reference to my famous line:”speak softly and carry a big stick”, right?
Meaning negotiate, but have the military wherewithal to back up your words.
You have to look at it this way:
The vast majority of people who die and go to heaven have had sex at some point before their demise.
Except for those who died as (unmolested) children of course.
Therefore the virgins that await martyred suicide bombers in Muslim Heaven are probably young children.
Therefore all Muslim suicide bombers are peedos.
QED.
Hey Teddy, gosh, does it really? No shit! I’ll just have to re-read the whole of this thread in light of this revelation.
Really appreciate your effort to educate us. I really do.
Bad sandwich wednesday beckons. I’m going to shoot for anything involving Marmite = bad sandwich.
Ditto crab meat.
oh they are children?
excelent news
He said ‘arsenal’. Tee hee.