Thanks to Sam. “What message would you leave for God?”
I remarked to my mother, when the weather was awful, when it disrupted the country, that this was an act of God, and when it changed to being nice and sunny and the snow was gone I said to her that God felt guilty so he was giving us wonderfully spring-like weather. She agreed. My message to him would be please can good people live longer and please – if the snow was an act of God – can we have no more of it? Also less of the very elderly being treated badly in old people’s homes.
Catherine Cave (Illustrious Frisby)
And I’d be really grateful if you could see to it that Peter Mandelson contracts a completely new (and deadly) disease that cannot be cured but whose progress toward his black, evil heart can be halted as long as he eats two pounds of fresh polar bear shit every morning.
While you’re at it, I’d pay good money to watch him, sat atop the dwindling remains of the last melty iceberg, weeping (for himself of course) as he watches the last polar bear drown.
91 Responses to “Dear God”
Oh god.
OMG, IllustriousFrisby is back.
And she’s ignorantly commenting on the weather, which gets my back right up. For one, she’s neglected to notice that maybe the snow was a gift to all the people who, due to ZaNuLabour’s policies now can’t go abroad to go skiing because of the credit crunch, and the gloriour spring weather was a punishment to them for enjoying it too much. Or maybe both were acts of God against people who just like a bit of rain.
He’s punishing us all! God’s punishing us all! I have little doubt that Gordon Clown has put him up to this…
God feeling guilt? Possible proof of him being a Catholic?
I think you’re being howwibly dismissive of the wonder of the divine. I pray fervently every March that we will be led though the cold, wintry weather that batters and chills us into warmth and light, just as did our Lord Jesus when he shepherded the lambs through the wintry storm of the heathen pre-Christian Middle East into the warmth of God’s light*. And it always happens. Within a month or two. Except in 1986; fucking awful summer that year.
*is there a sub-ed who can check this?
Dear God, why do you hate the queerosexuals? Ma arm’s so tired from floggin’ ‘em all day, I jus’ wanna sit down and have a beer an watch the tee vee. Dun get me wrong now, I’m as happy beatin’ em as a frog in a swamp, but if ya could jus’ explain to me why ya hate the sodomites so much, it might make the whole exercise a lil’ easier to bear. Whaddya say?
Where do they get these questions from? Are they just baiting the HYSers now?
I agree. The old, rather than very old, deserve everything wots coming to them. Timewasters. My own God is a vengeful God, and my message to him is that he makes it rain frogs on them. And some pestilence. Bastards. My mother agrees.
I’m 158 you know.
Is this Catherine’s attempt at sending up herself?
leaving a message for God implies he’s out. Which isn’t possible if he’s omnipresent. So basically the BBC is saying God doesn’t exist. Which is no surprise because they’re communists to a man.
Not being able to be out must be shit when the Jehovah’s come round btw. They’ll know he’s in and won’t leave him be.
Unfortunately not.
Dear god,
Hope you got the letter,
And I pray you can make it better down here.
I dont mean a big reduction in the price of beer,
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them slipping on their arses in an icy street,
and in the old peoples’ hopes they get beat.
By go-oooooood.
Arse. That should read ‘homes’. And probably ‘people’s’ as well. It’s too early for this…
That’s only because the church of beelzebub sacrifices a virgin each midwinter.
Surely since god is omniscient, you shouldn’t need to post your message to him on HYS because he would already know it.
More commie BBC nonsense. Stop this madness!!!!! I bet the moderators don’t let this one be posted on the internets and stuff.
I got a message from God.
I followed Nelson on Twitter and now my iPhone crashes.
Fairly clear message there.
If I’m right.
and I said to mother, God must be so sad, because it was raining ever so much and she agreed. Then it stopped raining and I saw a little bird singing merrily and I knew the little bird had cheered God up and she agreed. Then it got very dull and cloudy later and I knew God was bored so I put ‘Friends’ on and sure enough the clouds parted and she agreed.
Then I booked a nice young woman into Room 6 and showed her how the shower worked and everything.
Of course, following Catherine’s argument to its logical conclusion means that ANYTHING that EVER happens EVER at all is technically an “Act of God” – which means all our insurance policies are absolutely worthless. So we should all stop paying out any insurance premiums which will obviously put all the insurance companies out of business and make all their employees redundant.
Congratulations Catherine, you’ve just made the recession worse!
From the HYS foxhunting thread:
Yes, those foxes just piss themselves laughing at the end of the hunt as the bullet smashes through their brain-pan and sends them to oblivion…
Doh!
Now I realise my mistake!
It’s actually the gun-weilding Rambo-Squirrels that shoot the foxes at the end of the hunt!
Catherine’s all wrong. God told this holy guy to tell me. Hallelujah! God never did nuffin’, Gov. Bad weather is SATAN! God wasn’t even there! Well… ok, he was there, but it wasn’t him, he was busy kissing babies and doing the colours on flowers ‘n’ stuff.
http://www.wofm.tv/articles/Article1105.html
http://www.wofm.tv/articles/Article1105.html
Hm. How strange that such a devout Christian obviously hasn’t got round to those parts of the Bible that tell us God destroyed Sodom & Gomorrah and slew all the first born of Egypt. Oh, and didn’t he drown almost every fucker on earth at one point?
Actually, according to the Bible God is a bit of a cunt really.
No, Dr Shade … no.
He meant killing foxes in the manner similar to that of the gun-wielding Rambo-Squirrels. Getting the Rambo-Squirrels to do it themselves is quite frankly a ridiculous idea.
I second Nelson’s prayer, but I’d add
cos he’s a wily cunt.
God reads HYS and squirrels tote guns. I’m going to have a beer and go back to bed.
Just had a peek at the Word of Faith Ministries’ website. I like how the cartoon version of Dr. Bill Bailey exactly matches his photograph on the home page.
YOu may mock but it’s a major problem – The squirrel in our back garden got hold of a Berretta 9mm the other day, the cat hasn’t been able to crap in the garden since…
Finding ways of saying “thank you sir, may I have another” to the cosmic rapist and making them read as anything other than stockholm syndrome is what makes theology such fun.
I dread to think what the mother of ‘illustrious frisby’ is like? Can you imagine the surreal disjointed conversations between them? Must be why she lives in Milton Keynes, Fact.
Perhaps Illustrious Frisby is the pseudonym for a set of anonymous online Alan Bennett monologues after all…
I thought “illustrious frisby” was a nod to “Mrs Frisby and the Rats of NIMH”, then made into a film called the Secret of NIMH. Quality nostalgia moment…
And then it got all into God beating. the OT God is a bit of a brute, but the NT God is much nicer.
Oh dear Lord.
No.
Nonononononononononononononononono…
http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/thread.jspa?forumID=6320&edition=1&ttl=20090407172931
@Felna. Have you considered giving your cat a sand-bagged trench (lined with kitty litter) and equipping it with a modern, heavy calibre machine gun?
As the legal abider of your property, it is surely your right to decide who does and who does not crap in your own garden? Is your cat some sort of cheese-eating surrender monkey or what??
@JGFC. Now THAT is a tempting HYS thread.
It behooves all decent SYBers to bang a couple of ripe moronic turdsquirts down their comment pipe and watch with satisfaction as they drown unnoticed in the shit-flood of ‘reckoning’ that the HYS regulars will now unleash.
Did any one watch Charlie Brooker’s Newswipe Last Week… he had a cracking rant about Have Your Say and all its imbecilic glory…
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00jks6r/Newswipe_Episode_2/
Was just reading on the BBC news site how the BNP have *recruited* Jebus for their campaign to get an MEP into the European Parliament. They ask the question ‘What would Jesus do?’ and the answer, apparently, is ‘Vote BNP’. Because as we all know, the BNP is the number one choice for all Jewish voters.
I think they’ve got a bit confused about his central tenet of ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ and mistakenly think he was talking about his love for a dreadful, racist sitcom and not, in fact, preaching equality for all (this makes me sound a bit GodSquad, when I’m actually more of an Atheist than Dawkins).
Incidentally, what is a BNP MEP going to do at the European Parliament – tell them all to go back to where they come from? What will he/she do when they realise that THEY are the foreigner trying to impose their ideas and ways on other cultures?
Funny Peculiar – ‘behooves’, eh? Oh, you SO went there! Totally cocked a snook at the ‘methinks’ brigade (what the living FUCK does ‘cock a snook mean, anyway?).
Please ignore missing secondary apostrophe, arrgh.
JGFC – re: your link:
from ‘Debbie’.
It’s always such a senseless waste when anything less than 90° passes away…
Yeah… a full piss-take loop. From SYB to HYS and back to SYB in 6 posts.
Sorry Bit Spesh, that was me behooving to cock a snook at that there HYS. That was a pretty fast turn-around.
I had that God bastard’s number.
Great minds and all that
Me and the young fella laughed so much at Newswipe (speshly the HYS bit)that the neighbours banged on the wall. And we live in a detached house.
Haha, not really. On our wages? Pfthfthfth.
Catherine is only using that as cover, she is actually far more concerned about how God will judge her for sucking off a horse back in her college days in a porno called champion the wonder horse riding high.
she should worry, i’ve seen it, its terrible.
Congratulations Millie, you win ‘comment of the day’. Your comment excellently captures what a fucking cunt Lord Mandelson of Fucking-Cunt-on-Thames is. Bravo.
But seriously, Illustrious Frisby IS joking, isn’t she? Even little children don’t believe that kind of freaky retarded nonsense. I mean, an actual grown adult can’t really think those things, can she? Can… she…?
I’m guessing that Catherine’s mother has been dead for many years now, and Catherine only has these ‘conversations’ with her mother’s dessicated corpse in the chair in the corner. Anyway, I hope for the sake of Catherine’s mother that this is the case. Or at least that she has advanced Alzheimer’s and has no idea of what a fuckwit of a daughter she has.
Now, I’m no theological expert, but he must really hate the Inuit, Swedes, Russians, Swiss and Finns, etc., what with dumping billions of tons of snow on the poor bastards every winter. It must be the case that the higher, or further north (or south) thou livest, the more deserving of punishment thou art in the eyes of the Lord.
So, perhaps God is really blessing us with global warming? Start up the Hummer mama – and let’s get ready for the Rapture.
he must really hate the Inuit, Swedes, Russians, Swiss and Finns, etc
Loves the Africans though.
blockquotes round 1st line
and brackets round the one above
ROFL, LOL, LMAO etc.
When anyone on SYB makes a mistake with grammar or punctuation, there’s a rush to correct the error before getting pounced on by the circling vultures. Surely its OK to make mistake occasionally. It seems to me that SYBers are intelligent and well educated so its okay for us to mock as any errors made here are due to haste, not ignorance. I vote we give ourselves a break.
See how I’m not at all anxious about missing apostrophes?
Or a missing ‘s’
.
Bit Special – yes, I’m afraid that all too many adults believe exactly this sort of Hallmark card theological crap. For a long time I tried to accept that if it made them happy, then fine, I could live with it, but it does leave one with a small niggling pain in the chest doesn’t it? Once the SYB laughing has faded, ah me, the sun continues to set on the values of the enlightenment and the HYS zombies begin to emerge from the shadows. I’m back off to bed with a six pack.
Braaaaaaaaaaaaains Bad
No Braaaaaaaaaaaains Good
Lucky you.
I was discussing this with my mother AND father and they made the excellent point that this must all indeed be true, because have you noticed that it never rains at easter, even when the stupid weather people say that it will, so that it doesn’t ruin the annual egg hunt in celebration of God’s son being resurrected or not being dead or something…I am actually a bit confused about all that myself
Oh Ellie, you’ve clearly not been reading your Bible properly. After the Easter Bunny freed Jebus from his tomb and replenished his strength with chocolate, they joined up with J’s pals and had a jolly exciting egg hunt in thanks to their big sky Daddy, G-O-D. Simon won.
Either that or Godbotherers tacked a load of Christian bollocks onto a Pagan fertility festival yonks ago*.
Clovis – thanks, but sadly my question was rhetorical. It’s just that on occasions, some comments are just too fucktardariffic for me to cope with and I want to bang my head repeatedly against the edge of a table till my brain turns to uncomplicated mush. And then I could go post on HYS myself. Ho Ho.
*Yeah, I know everyone knows this already.
They did the same with the midwinter festival too. Mainly harmless ways of selling tat and expensive chocolate eggs.
The trick is to not get too worked up about it and not tell others how to live.
Chocolate eggs for Crimbo? You’re getting a bit confused about stuff, there. Also, everyone knows about the Yule/Xmas ting too.
Who’s getting worked up and telling who how to live? I ain’t* – so ixnay the subtle wordplay suggesting Atheists are all aggressive and dogmatic for merely stating an opinion or fact, please. If folk want to delude themselves, it’s up to them. But I’m equally allowed to despair and think they’re twats. ‘K? Grown women thinking an invisible giant lives in the sky who makes it snow as a punishment? Come now, no-one can think that’s mentally normal!
*Although I’d like permission for a blunderbuss to fire at the local chav teens who keep breaking the glass of the bus stop outside my flat every fucking weekend.
From the moment of the big bang, there is an inevitability about the way the Universe develops. Life is inevitable and will take similar forms throughout the billions of galaxies. And we know for a fact that the Universe is aware of itself for we are part of the Universe and are currently contemplating the meaning of it all.
At this point in time all the vastness of time and space has coallesced into the complex individual known as Catherine Cave, who contemplates God and the baby cheeses making the snow come and go and thinks this is sufficiently important to impart those musings through the medium of something called HYS.
Understanding why this is an inevitable staging post in the fabric of existence is surely just as important as building the Large Hadron Colider.
I like to read Catherine’s name as a cautionary statement, in latin.
You’re welcome.
I worked for several years in Poland. At Easter time everybody (and I effing mean EVERYBODY)takes decorated hen’s eggs in a lickle basket to Kaflic church and they put their baskets at the front by the altar. Then, during mass, the priest flicks a load of holy water all over them and you take them home for easter breakfast.
I once asked a large group of young poles that, as Spring was all about new life and mating and stuff, had they noticed that a man flicking ‘holy’ water over your eggs was a very potent symbol of sexual fertilisation and rather subliminally erotic, they looked at me like I was some kind of cancerous drooling pervert from Mars. (the planet, I mean, they didn’t think I represented the official opinion of a leading chocolate manufacturer… obviously)
Being close to suicide I decided to read the rest of Catherine’s posted comments from the link from a previous message (somewhere). Suddenly I don’t feel so sad and lonely. She’s infinitely sadder and lonelier than me and I feel good!
By the way her mother is 87 and in good health if anyone’s interested
http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/profile.jspa?userID=7880782&isComplaints=false&start=105&edition=1&#paginator
What would Joy Pattison say about Catherine’s mother being alive and well when Joy’s dear (Fritzl-tastic) father is dead. DEAD! Everyone is just being alive solely to mock her loss and you just had to rub it in, didn’t you? You SHOULD top yourself, you monster!
(But please don’t)
What I meant was…never mind. (tat for Christmas, eggs for Easter)
I never said you were telling me how to live. I was just saying not all Christians tell others how to live either. (In short, I ain’t either.)
I don’t. She sounds deranged.
You have my permission to shoot the chavs, although I will deny everything.
For an example of terrifying indoctrination see:
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/4/20090408/twl-taliban-s-child-suicide-bombers-unve-41f21e0.html
There’s quite a neat symmetry to celebrating birth at Christmas and death on Good Friday. Easter Sunday just throws it all off balance.
One of my least favourite things about this horrid website I’ve created.
I really should remove that “bad grammar” bit from the header.. some people latch onto it way too much. It’s a common feature of many HYS posts… but not the thing that makes them funny. 99.999% of internet bobbins is closer to spoken than written word… and it’s ok to put in random ellipsisesses and wotever crappy spelling u like. wot matters is the message. jagetmeh?
I hereby grant forgiveness for all typos, spelling mistakes, grammatical mistakes etc made on this site. You are absolved.
This from someone who has never touched a drug other than disprin or panadol and the occasional glass of wine: Ecstasy should not have been heard of – should not be available in the first place, like cars which spray grit/sand on the road in front of you.
They are not available but cars like that would be great. But Ecstasy – shouldn’t be available in the first place.
Don’t do self-gritting cars kids…
argghh fucked up the block quotes.
horrid like cigs / alcohol / heroin
But everybody loves zombies, Chicken Licken, you’re forgetting that. Birth, Death, Reanimated Corpse – ‘s the cycle of life, innit?
Pigfrottage, sos if I got on me high horse a bit back there. Terrifying link, mind. I want to go back to bed now until it’s 1979 again.
Chicken Licken,
I thought the sky was going to fall on our heads?
Hi Bit Special. No worries. I think you’re great, and I have never found you offensive. How high is your horse? (I don’t like heights…)
I was 5 in 1979, and didn’t like it very much. At least dleuded tossers weren’t flying planes into buildings and strapping explosives to kids too much back then though.
A big part of me wishes that all religious faiths would just shut up and leave the kids alone, and I’m a Christian.
Have a good one. Pizza beckons.
“dleuded” should be “deluded”.
As you were…
calm down everyone. the 87-year-old mother was ‘alive and well’ in october 2008 but there has been a very bitter winter since then
Dear God
Ima Jihad you!
yours sincearly
Suicidal jihad lightning terrorist man.
PS
it has occured to me that as ishmal and iasac were brothers that came from the same god and created islam and judayism, and later christianity was born of the jews and that the prophets are the same for all three religions, that you must also be allah. i therefore would like to appologise for my earlyer comment as i belived you to be the christian god….wich i now realise is the same as the islamic god.
as this is true could you please send a note back down clarifying exactly wich book is the right one, and wich version of wich book is correct.
could you also take a recount of my virgins, i have heard that some of them may be missing
They may even be “raisins” not “virgins”, due to a mistranslation.
Salaam.
72 plump young raisins as a reward for totally jihading yourself in the name of Allah??? There must be a lot of pissed off young men up in Allah’s heaven.
Although, as has already been pointed out, Allah’s heaven is actually the same heaven that all the murderous crusaders went to, cos Allah is also Jah, Jehovah, Yahweh, God, The Almighty, etc. So there’s a good chance heaven is a war-torn wasteland of bitter rival factions locked in an eternal internecine struggle. There’s a thought.
You missed out George Burns & Morgan Freeman.
So, let me get this right …
For us non-believers death means a nice long rest, and food for the worms …
And the believers get to go to just one heaven where Jews, Moslems, Christians, Hindus etc etc can all fall out to eternity …
Thank God I’m agnostic. If there is a god that is …
>(and I effing mean EVERYBODY)
I suspect most of my Polish friends would nod and agree if the pagan significance of the egg thing were pointed out to them, and reserve it as something to annoy their parents’ religious neighbours back home with.
Thank you for the explanation, dear. I can finally lay my doubts and worries to one side, as it all makes sense now. I think I must have been guided to this blog for a reason.
Raisens? are you sure?
are they infedel californian raisens or islamic raisens?
are they coated in chocolate?
i like choccolate raisens
I remarked to my mother that the red light we were stopped at must be an act of god. she agreed. when it turned to green, we both felt that we must have pleased god for him to grant us this favourable happening.
My request to him would be please can good people not get dandruff. Also less babies killed in road accidents.
(previously mis-posted above)
So would the promise of delicious, heavenly dried grapes be the Muslim terrorist’s raisin d’etre?
yeah, yeah… ok… I know… but I’ve had a three hour Easter Dinner with ma famille and am full of Burgundy and roast veg to care.
Does roast lamb at Easter symbolise Jesus? ‘Cos he tastes deeeee-lish. Especially with parsnips. (If Christ is the Lamb, maybe the veg represent the apostoles. Peter the holy roast parsnip, Paul the divine mashed potato, Andrew the aubergine, Thomas the tank engine, no, hang on)
@Ye Gods…
Hindus??? No way. They got their own, totally seprate heaven. Nirvarna. It’s a kinda ‘Seattle with cows’ thing I think. But they is not part of the ‘Children of Abraham’ monothesistic religions. They is proper heathens.
from easter “debate”:
Having read the blasphemous comments on the BBC HYS,all I can say is God help us all.Shame on the BBC for allowing such comments to be published.It is obvious that the BBC has been taken over by some kind of evil entity,which I must admit has been obvious for quite some time.
Satan now seems to be in charge of all things that used to be decent on the British Broadcasting Companies monopolies.
Tom mac
Recommended by 13 people
its British Broadcasting Corporation you dumb shit, unless hes talking about the companies that broadcast in britain in general, in wichcase he would do better to use a different string of words as he made himself look like a propper gordon clown!
ima jihad him
and its not a monopoly
jesus this guys a fucking cretin
also, by easter Debate did he not think he would see some anti-christian rhetoric, and as the fucking (insert holy book here) brigade decide that anything that questions their religion (and much that doesnt) is blasphemious, how were they possibly going to have a non blasphemous debate
seriously, ima jihad his face off
I’ve found the problem with the lovely Ms/ Mrs Cave (after reading several pages of her extraordinary comments)…
“Someone here has thought up a question which most people who post messages here are not qualified to answer.”
Indeed, the whole problem with HYS. It’s entirely populated (and presumably moderated) by people who really think they have the answers to these questions. Hmmm… perhaps someone should start up a website where people can post any old answer to a question…